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Advice to Single Sisters Entangled with Married Men – Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi

Advice to Single Sisters Entangled with Married Men – Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi

The man you claim to “love” and are eagerly waiting on the sidelines for in the hopes that he’ll see you, is keeping you in the periphery for a reason. He knows perfectly well that he can go on enjoying his game on the field and you’ll still be standing there waiting around when everyone else goes home. You see, he loves the attention you give him. He relishes every minute of it. He loves the power he has over you. He loves that you are so eager to please him. Come rain or shine, he knows that you’ll always be standing there, eagerly waiting for him to just give you a glance…and no matter how difficult the game is he’s playing, unlike everything else he’s got going on, he knows you’re a sure shot. You may be the only guarantee he has in life, which is why his grasp on you is so tight.

He may say all the right things, he may go out of his way to make you feel EXTRA special. Maybe he has a nickname for you and “only” you. He has you convinced that YOU are an exception above all other women, even his wife, which is why he can’t stay away from you. If he’s really good, he’ll periodically pull the “I’m feeling guilty” card and disappear for a while. Then, in poetic fashion, he’ll reappear and tell you how “impossible” it was to forget you, how he thought of you every day and just needed to see you again!

Sounds so amazing doesn’t it? After all, what woman doesn’t want to believe that she’s irresistible? What woman doesn’t want a man to make her feel that she has a special power, above all other women in his life, to make him weak?

He’s figured out that by sticking to this solid script he can manipulate you to do pretty much anything he wants you to and believe anything he tells you.

Now, I know it’s hard for you to hear these things about the man you “love”. After all, he’s so sweet and such a good man otherwise. He has a good heart, he may even go to the masjid, help raise funds for charitable causes, and be an all-around “good guy”. How can such a man be capable of intentionally manipulating you? He’s not evil! He loves you…you know it, you feel it…he just can’t be with you because his life is so difficult. He’s sacrificing his own happiness (which is being with you) because of his family, his children, his parents…you feel so sorry for him but it makes you love him even more that he’s so noble…

Hold up…let’s rewind for just a second.

No one is saying that he’s evil. Being a man who is caught up in this toxic situation and one who is otherwise a relatively “good Muslim” are not mutually exclusive. Throughout history, even in the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him), men (and women) have fallen into this dangerous trap of shaitan. So, no one is denying that he has virtues. He is caught up in the addictive cycle the same as you are, just for different reasons. But that’s a whole other topic all together. We’re focusing on you right now.

Now, I want you to indulge me for just a moment and consider the possibility that what you perceive as “love” for this person is not as pretty and romantic as you think but it’s actually something else, something that is actively harming you. How many nights have you cried yourself to sleep because of the loneliness, the feelings of neglect? How many times have you beaten yourself up wondering why he’s not with you or why he didn’t choose YOU as his wife? How many times have you felt sick to your stomach over the guilt? Is that what you imagined you’d feel when you met “the one”? Or did you imagine someone who RECIPROCATED your feelings, and not just by word, but by action?

Didn’t you imagine that when you found the person you were created for that he would be loyal to you, be there for you when you needed him, take care of you when you were sick, honor your friends and family, wipe away your tears when you were down, and be proud to walk side by side with you, just as you were proud to do so with him? If you did, then you were right. That is how a man and woman who are in love behave with one another.

I’m certain you didn’t imagine that being in love meant that you would be hidden, like someone’s shameful secret. Unfortunately, despite the intensity and authenticity of your feelings for him, despite the fact that you already have and would probably continue sacrificing yourself, your principles, your reputation, your family’s honor, your spiritual health, etc., for him, he is not willing to do what it takes to be with you.

That would take honesty on his part. It would take for him to sacrifice many things that are part of the life he’s created…but he’s not willing to do that, which is why his promises to you will most likely NEVER be fulfilled. He is not willing to lose it all for you…if he was, he’d already have done it and wouldn’t be stringing you along as he has been.

Trust me when I say that a man in love will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. A man in lust, a man addicted to the attention his ego gets from such relationships, a man who cannot control his desires, will NOT. He will just continue to fulfill his desires. He will keep the addiction going as long as the supply is there and he can continue getting whatever he wants out of it. The moment his needs are no longer being met he will disappear completely. What does that mean for you? It means that the moment you stop giving in to him, the moment you stop showing up at the games, the moment he no longer sees you on the sidelines, he will dispose of you without a second thought…and unless he gets help, he’ll move on to his next conquest.

So, please my dear sister, do not be someone who lets ANYONE treat you like you are disposable. Do you realize who you are? I know this relationship has probably worn down your self-image and self-worth, but let me remind you that you have been honored by Allah (swt) to not only be a Muslim, but to be in the ummah of the Best of Creations (peace be upon him). Much of the Prophets life mission, even up until his last moments on earth, were to fight for YOUR rights as a woman, to be honored, to be cherished, to be loved, to be respected. You deserve better than this. You were not created to be used by someone and have your rights and honor stripped from you in the process. Would he ever allow someone to do this to his sister, to his daughter? Of course not! So what gives him the right to do it to you? It’s because what you risk losing is not as important as what he risks gaining from you. He does not care that you are in a state of perpetual heartache, that you cry when you are not with him, or that you have possibly missed out on so much of your life being caught up in this vicious cycle.

Please get out and seek help. There are professionals who can help you, people who will never judge you or ever expose you. They will do whatever they can to guide you out of this, inshAllah. You just have to believe that with Allah (swt) anything is possible. If you are sincere, in the blink of an eye, he can remove these feelings from your heart and set you free. Return to Him. He loves you, He loves your tears of repentance more than you can ever know. I promise you, if you surrender to Him, you can and will overcome this inshAllah. You just have to value yourself as much as He (azza wajal) has valued you and take the first step.

Allah (swt) said: “I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself. And if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.” (Hadist Qudsi: Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah)

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16 Responses
  1. observer says:

    Assalamualaikum, What a horrible article???!!! …..were to fight for YOUR rights as a woman….! Subhan Allah!!! What rights? The right to meet non-mahram men in a haram manner??? The person who wrote the article must and should seek help for themselves Subhan Allah!!! This is how the shaitan sneaks into the Muslim Ummah, may Allah protect us Ameen! Instead of being a feminist the person who wrote this should sincerely try to get to the core of the problem. The problem is that BOTH the brother AND the sister have committed a horrible sin by disobeying the commandments of Allah and the Rasool (SWS)! The sin is that they BOTH contacted/communicated/met/spoke with/etc. a NON-MAHRAM in impermissible manners/situations. There are halaal ways in which non-mahrams can interact without creating the risk of “falling in love” Subhan Allah!!! This sister has caused just as much damage and harm to the Muslim Ummah (includsing herself) by not following the principles of interacting with non-mahrams as the brother has done to the Muslim Ummah (including himself) by not following the principles of interacting with non-mahrams Subhan Allah. Instead of being a feminist, the person who wrote the above article, must learn and share the principles of Islam and follow them right from the get go so that they don’t have to save “innocent little sisters” from the “evil brothers” Subhan Allah!!! In Islam women do have the right and means to initiate marriage to a man (as long as he has less then 4 wifes) just as our mother Kadejah did with our Rasol (SWS) Subhan Allah!!! So, instead of being negative with the sister, please try to point out to her that she should never have contact with non-mahrams in a manner that is not allowed in Islam. However, if she is really interested in this brother she can by all means seek help from her friends/relatives to approach her responsible elders (wali), so dua and have a third person approach the brother’s people insh’Allah. Do a lot of “istakharah”, and then if it works out it will be a good thing insh’Allah, but if it does not work out then know that it is best for the sister and she did “istakharah”!!! And remind the sister to never ever again make impermissible contact with non-mahrams insh’Allah.

    • Sara says:

      Assalaamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

      I pray this finds you well.

      ‘Observer’,

      While I understand where you are coming from, I think you should re-read the article. The person who wrote this is in no way condoning relationships out of wedlock, nor do they say that a woman has the right to be in such a relationship.
      If that were the case, this article wouldn’t have been posted on this website.

      The issue of premarital relations is just a layer in this more complex situation, where a woman has agreed to not only transgress the rights that Allah has given her, but to transgress against the rights of another woman and her husband. This is usually due to the understanding that she thinks she is in love and cannot help it. That was the author’s perspective in this, to try to explain to her that this is not what real love is and that real love in Islam means that you have rights and the greatest of those rights is to be married and taken care of.

      When a person is in this kind of position, they need to be shown love and concern, not made to feel like they’re a sinner that can’t be helped. This article is a beautiful articulation of that love and concern from one Muslim to another.

      Human beings do not change by being told to do this and that, rather they need to be inspired, to be moved, to be cared for. If Allah has granted you enough wisdom to stay away from the haram, it is incumbent open you to love those who haven’t been given this until they see that it is something they can aspire to, as well. Of course the guidance is there with regards to male/female relationships but once someone slips into this, for whatever reason, it is hard to see things clearly and so we need people who have real concern to hold those people by the hand and show them, gradually, the right way to deal with this situation. Preventative measures don’t work after the fact, and Allah knows best.

      BarakAllahu feekum!

  2. No name says:

    Thank you for this .. for being so honest and sincere ..
    Everything you said is true .. every single word .. I never thought someone would understand how I feel .. or make me understand how HE thinks of me!

    • Hosai says:

      Dear No Name,

      Alhamdulillah that you felt solace from this article. That is great news. I sincerely hope that you will heed the advice and for your own sake, for your own happiness in this life and the next, sever all ties with the man who has done this to you.

      You deserve better and inshAllah if you return to Allah (swt), He will reward you inshAllah in this life and/or the next. As I said, remember that for Allah (swt) in an instant He can flip your heart and remove all of these feelings so that you never look back. You just have to earnestly ask Him and repent inshAllah.

      If you need any further advice, please visit our website http://www.mentalhealth4muslims.com and contact us.

      Sincerely,
      Ws,
      Hosai

    • naw says:

      Assalaamoualaikoum. I like this article sister. Alhamdulillah it helped me get courage to move on in life, because I was a victim of this recently. Good man, a doctor (married) just like me (single). I remember how i used to refuse him, my mistake was in keeping him as friend despite his various attempts to have me. Unfortunately,my life was at a nadir, i gave in to shaitan (may Allah curse satan and protect me and the whole muslim ummah from shaytan). Then alhamdulillah i realised i was not doing it in a halaal way, even if he AT TIMES mentioned second nikah. He did not seem very convincing with that. When i check his facebook and comments I see how he is open to other ladies (socialising yes, but there’s a limit. insha Allah he realises this and turns to Allah in repentance). I used to fear lest people blame me for this sin, but now I have full trust in Allah and his rassool sallallhou alaihi wa alihi wasallam. Allah forgives, that’s enough for me. I sincerely repented and insha Allah i will get a nice muslim man in the qadriya or shadhiliyya tariqa one day. I pray that Allah helps us all to stay away from sins, be it major and minor.
      “Mistakes are the entrance of discovery”
      “He who guides you to this world has cheated you, He who guides you to works has tired you, but he who guides you to Allah has truly counselled you”
      Allahou akbar

  3. Hosai says:

    Asalamu `alaykum Observer,

    I pray all is well with you and your family. Thank you for your very candid response to the article. I can completely see how someone who didn’t understand the context with which I wrote it would assume all the things that you assumed about the message and about me. So for that lack of clarity, I apologize. I now realize I should have prefaced this article with the context so people would understand the intent behind it.

    So, with that said, let me explain that I wrote this advice for a very particular situation which in my line of work I have come across multiple times. It was not written for a sister who has no scruples or fear of God and goes out seeking a haram relationship! These sisters, many of whom I have spoken to directly, are practicing Muslims and have just been duped into a very toxic relationship. Basically, they were talking to a brother for the purpose of marriage but he ended up marrying someone else for whatever reason, family pressure, Shia/Sunni differences, etc. Instead of cutting the girls off and ending the first relationship, the brothers will string them along with promises of being the second wife or some other arrangement, like they will divorce eventually, etc., but they never do.

    In most of these cases the girls are suffering major depression and spend months or years wasting their lives waiting around for someone who has no intention of doing anything but trying to use them to their benefit. So, this article was written specifically for these sisters.

    Jazakum’Allahu khayran

    • observer says:

      Waalaikum Ussalam, I pray for the same for you and your family Ameen! I do thank you very much for your response!

      Pardon me if I’m coming across a little to pushy but these issues are truly destroying the Ummah Subhan Allah … and we do need to try and nip the issue right at the roots insh’Allah. Your statement “…are practicing Muslims and have just been duped into a very toxic relationship. Basically, they were talking to a brother for the purpose of marriage…” its self contains the root of the problem! In Islam men and women are not to speak with each other in private even if it is for the same of marriage. There is definitely no concept of “dating” in Islam – the root of a majority of all evils in modern societies Subhan Allah. When a man and woman are interested in each other for marriage they should speak with each other in the presence of the woman’s wali (responsible male relative of the women). The talk should be limited to confirm compatibility such as interests, finances, what is important to each other in life, etc., but definitely nothing involving love/romance at this stage. Islam has this requirement only so that the woman won’t be “duped into a very toxic relationship” Subhan Allah! So if we insist on following the Quran and Sunnah for all aspects of our life including finding a spouse the shaitan cannot cause us harm as has been done to the sister and brother Subhan Allah. I sincerely you understand this very important point Ameen. Jazakum’Allahu khayran

    • - says:

      Asalamualaikum,
      I think this article addresses the problem very well, Allhumdolillah. May Allah SWT reward you for all your efforts and guide all the Muslims stuck in such situations Ameen.
      JazakAllahkhair
      Wasalam

  4. Alhamdulillah says:

    Thank you Sr. Hosai for such a sensitively written article about a situation not discussed in our communities. Your way of calling people toward the Truth and toward upright, beneficial behavior–with honesty, humility, and understanding–captures the true spirit of “Commanding the Right and Forbidding the Wrong.” May Allah swt help all of us who have slipped into patterns of behavior that are displeasing to our Lord. May He help us to overcome these weaknesses, and grant us contentment and satisfaction through submission to Him and the way of His Messenger, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.

  5. UmmTaaha says:

    Bismillah,

    A very well written article. Jazak Allahu khair.

    This article is clearly making a huge attempt to correct a problem in muslim society:

    “Trust me when I say that a man in love will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. A man in lust, a man addicted to the attention his ego gets from such relationships, a man who cannot control his desires, will NOT.”

    Granted the wording is not strict as that of a sharia law teacher, its worded for someone’s mental agony … if it were not as mild and compassionate as it is, it will be serving a different set of audiance.

    A muslim who is dating IS technically in the wrong, so how are we to correct them? Just to tell them they are wrong will not help them change their course, rather an understanding of their perspective and providing a solution from their angle is necessary.

    This article is definitely an emotionally intelligent peice of work.

  6. m says:

    Dear Writer,

    This is one of the best articles I have ever read.

    We are muslims, but easily misled by shaitaan,

    I am a single muslim woman, and after being divorced and having no family to support me, finding myself in the most vulnerable period of my life, a married muslim man came into my life and helped me through everything, illness, getting back on my feet and putting food on my table and a roof on my head, ive never had an affair with this man, but find that he is a really good friend and as of late, the feeling of love in my heart.

    The person who criticised your article is living in an ideal world. I am a person that hates cheating and adultery and never thought in a million years, that I wud feel love for a married man, however I find myself being tested with the exact thing that I hate.

    Sometimes I feel like I want to keep this friendship as I feel like ive found a true friend but don’t feel it is right considering he is married.

    It is one of the most difficult situations to be in, so ive now focused on my work to get complete financial stability, prayer and mostly turning to Allah, and as I go along, I am slowly distancing myself from him and hoping that in sha Allah, I find a suitable husband.

    Sometimes Allah knows best and I am grateful to Allah for sending this man to me, who helped me to get out of everything and back on my feet,but now that there is Love in my heart, I must slowly become distant. feel sad coz it is the most difficult thing as we are the best of friends, so much so that, if there is anything I need, he will instinctively bring it without me even asking, that is crazy, but that’s how close friends we are.

    I love myself and value myself and will succeed in doing the right thing, in Sha Allah

    Thank You sooo much, May you be blessed for this supportive article.

  7. Yomna says:

    Thank you for your sincere words! I wish I could print this and pass it out to all the girls and women in the world. It is a well-needed reminder. Women need to be reminded of their own value and self-worth and not to seek it through their relationship with men, but their Creator.

  8. Waheeda says:

    Assalamu alaikum! You have brought out a very much prevalent practice these days in our Ummah Sister Hosai. We are afraid of discussing this issue. I also really enjoyed the comments. One thing that we all need to keep in mind is that the ‘ Modus Operandi’ of these males who have extra marital affairs is to present themselves as being in a very bad marriage where the wife is no good so that they can get the sympathy of the other woman, while the poor wife is doing her best taking care of him, their home and kids and in most cases also his parents and other members of his family living with him. He presents himself as a very nice, loving, hard working man who is in such a bad relationship with his wife but still continuing the marriage for the sake of his kids or parents or whatever. When he is exposed he hardly gets the blame, it’s always the other woman who snared him who is no good or the poor wife who could not keep her man. It’s a very sorry state of affairs. I am so glad you brought this issue and discussed it in a public forum. Sharing in shaa Allah. Keep up the good work. Please don’t take the comments as criticism but another point of view which will educate us all. The open romance in the name of trying to know each other before marriage is not allowed but again very much prevalent. Unchaperoned visits are not allowed between non mahrams. Jazakallah khair everyone!

  9. Ruba says:

    I am a practicing Muslim and unfortunately wasted four years on someone that has used me for his benefit. At the end, I was told he didn’t want to marry me because I’m a nurse and he wants me to stay home. This man, is not a practicing Muslim- and because of this I’ve become a better Muslim… I’m so heartbroken because now I’m 30 years old depressed and can’t seem to move on… This article helped, but my question is when will Allah swt mend my broken heart and how will I be able to move on? I’ve seriously repented, and ask Allah swt constantly to set me free… I know better than this, and I know I fell in shaitaans trap… Before this I was known to be the happiest person in the world… And another thing, once I do heal-how do people meet other Muslims? My family isn’t very helpful- in connecting with others and because of my age- I’m no longer desirable…
    I’m sorry for the emotional statement… But I need some guidance
    Jazak

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