How Can Children Be Guided to Obey Their Parents?

Answered by Shaykh Abdul Sami‘ al-Yaqti

Question

How can children be guided to obey their parents?

Answer

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. Blessings and peace be upon the Master of the Messengers, his Family, and all his Companions.

Honoring one’s parents is a trait children are raised upon, as is disobedience. This is the fundamental principle, though other factors may influence it, such as parenting style, peer influence, media, and more.

Therefore, it is essential to guide children toward honoring and obeying their parents from a young age. This can be achieved through several practical steps, including:

Training

Training them to respond promptly to their father or mother’s call and answer immediately the first time. They should leave aside any games or distractions. “As the tree is bent, so grows the tree.”

Non-Lenient

Not being lenient when children delay or ignore their parent’s calls. If parents are lenient in such situations, it gives the child a negative impression that this call is not important.

Positive and Negative Reinforcement

Using appropriate positive or negative reinforcement depending on the situation:

• In cases of obedience and quick response: praise, thank, and pray for the child, or offer a small reward.
• In cases of delay or disobedience, a gentle reminder should be given at first, emphasizing that this behavior is wrong. If the behavior repeats, escalate with negative reinforcement, such as delaying the child’s requests or not fulfilling them, pointing out that this is due to their wrong behavior towards their parents.

Collaboration of the Parents

Parents must collaborate in directing their children to honor and obey them. For example, if the mother asks something from the child and the child delays, the father should step in and stress the importance of fulfilling the mother’s request promptly. Likewise, the mother should direct the children to hasten in responding to their father’s requests and obeying him.

Encouragement and Warning

Using appropriate religious encouragement and warning for each situation starting from around ten years of age, in preparation for the age of accountability upon reaching puberty. At this stage, in addition to the previous steps, children should be reminded of the obligation of obedience and its importance in Islam, as well as the rewards associated with it. At the same time, the consequences of disobedience and its punishment in this world and the Hereafter should be made clear, as emphasized in this great verse from Surat al-Isra:

“For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honor your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them (even) ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” [Quran, 17:23]

As mentioned in the noble hadith, a man came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and asked: “O Messenger of Allah, who is most deserving of my good companionship?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked again: “Then who?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked once more: “Then who?” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “Your father.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

In another hadith, Abdullah Ibn Mas‘ud (Allah be pleased with him) said:

“I asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), ‘Which deed is most beloved to Allah (Most High)?’ He replied, ‘The prayer at its proper time.’ I asked, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Being dutiful to one’s parents.’ I asked, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Striving in the way of Allah.’” [Ibid.]

Additionally, there is the story of Jurayj, the devout worshiper, whose mother called him for three days while he was preoccupied with his worship, and he did not respond. His mother prayed against him, and Allah accepted her prayer. [Ibid.]

Imam Nawawi says:

“This hadith of Jurayj teaches many lessons, including the importance of honoring one’s parents, especially the mother, the fact that her prayers are answered, and that when matters conflict, priority should be given to what is most important.” [Nawawi, Sharh Muslim]

These and other texts from the Sacred Law affirm the rights of parents and the duty of being dutiful to them, even if a person is engaged in worship. What, then, if one is preoccupied with worldly matters?

Summary

It is essential to consider the age of the children when guiding them to obey their parents and gradually apply the practical steps mentioned earlier. Positive or negative worldly reinforcement should be used according to the situation, and religious reinforcement should be introduced from the age of ten and continue beyond puberty. And Allah knows best.

We must also remember to pray for our children in all circumstances and avoid praying against them, as such a prayer might coincide with a moment when prayers are answered, leading to regret and sorrow later.

Allah (Most High) says:

“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74].

All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all worlds.

[Shaykh] Abdul Sami‘ al-Yaqti