I am unable to marry the man I love

Question: A few years back, a boy proposed, so we talked, and he had a place in my heart. My family rejected the proposal, and I am unable to stop thinking about him. I feel sad and can’t replace him with anyone else, and if I get married to someone else, I would not be doing justice to my husband as I already love someone else. What should I do so that Allah fulfills my wish and bless me with the person I want.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  I empathize with your pain and feeling of helplessness. You were getting to know this brother for marriage, but it didn’t work out.

Pain

Although you feel that your heart is broken and you can never love your husband, I guarantee that you will get over this. Pain is complicated, and it takes time to mend a broken heart.

Turn to Allah

Channel your pain into du`a and ask Allah to fill your heart with love of Him and worship of Him and dhikr of Him so that your pain dwindles and doesn’t leave a trace. Fulfill all of your obligations to Him and pray the Prayer of Need before dawn, when Allah is looking for people who are asking to answer their prayers:

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “When half of the night or two-third of it is over, Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) till it is daybreak. [Muslim]

Don’t let this overpower you.

Boy-girl relationships are very complex, and it is complicated to see clearly through the cloud of pain and broken hearts. Put all of your efforts into taking care of yourself and distracting yourself with good things and good people. Exercise, eat healthily, take Vitamin D, see your friends and family who are a good influence, get involved in charitable organizations with your time and money. Spend your free time in learning and worship, or hobby and beneficial activity. Take charge of your pain, and don’t let it control you.

Most importantly, remember this prophetic hadith: “Wondrous are the ways of a believer for it is good in every affair of his, and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. If he has an occasion to feel delighted, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.“ [Muslim]

May Allah rewards you tremendously for following the correct steps for getting married, and may he bless your union with the perfect suitor for you. Please see these articles about preparing for marriage and taking a marriage course before you endeavor on such a big matter.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/marriage-in-islam-a-reader/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-i-get-over-feelings-for-someone-who-got-engaged-to-someone-else/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Tension between wife and mother living together

The tension between wife and mother living together

Question: I live with my widowed mother, my wife of 5 years, and a 2-year-old. My elder brother lives separately from us. My mother does not give us space and likes to control everything in the house. In the beginning, my wife compromised a lot, shunning her own desires and giving all her time to my mother. In a day, we only spend 2 hours together before bedtime. My mother often creates tension in the house or suspects us of hiding things from her or blames my mother-in-law for creating a fight, which is not true. We have both sacrificed, hardly going out together for quality dinner or meeting friends. My wife is mostly confined in the house with her. My mum does not like to go to my brother’s place. She is always with us. We love her and want her to stay, but due to growing tensions, lack of quality time together, and my wife always being judged, her always on her toes, for my mother has now given up. My wife is demanding that she moves back to her parent’s house in Pakistan, and I can visit her once or twice a year. I have tried talking her out of it for more than a year, but she refuses. Indeed, my mother will not change. What does Islam say?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your wife’s frustration and unhappiness. You have taken her rights away from her, and you should give her rights immediately so that she wants to stay with you.

Housing

A Muslim wife has the right to her own housing, whether it be a separate home or her own private wing in a shared home. It would be best if you made arrangements immediately to buy a bigger house with separate facilities or get two small apartments close to each other, one for your mother and one for your family. Your mother will be upset at first, but she will get used to it, and you can visit her often. A Muslim woman has the right to invite her mother-in-law to her home when she deems fit. You can also hire a cleaner or nurse for her if she needs one. See this link on separate housing:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/a-wifes-right-to-housing-seperate-from-her-in-laws/

Communicate

It would be best if you also stood up to your mother. You should give your mother restrictions and tell her that you want your wife to eat out with you once a week and that you want to see your friends once a week. It would be best if you also insisted that she leave the house every day, for any reason at all. She should take a drive with you, shop with you, get coffee with you. She should go out on her own to the park, takes walks, exercise, meet the neighbors, etc. Your wife needs fresh air and socializing.

If your mother asks you why you are insisting, tell her that you are not happy, and your wife should say that she is just obeying you, which is not her decision. Please remember that asking your mother to go to your brother’s house once in a while is not an unreasonable request. But it is unreasonable to ask your wife to live with her and be her slave.

Your wife leaving

Don’t ever make the mistake of letting your wife leave. You are one unit and one team, and you need to find a solution together. Do not let your mother divide you. Your son has a right to live with you, and you should raise him as a couple. Nurture your relationship with your wife. You must make an effort to make her feel loved, appreciated, and doted on. Take her out, buy her things, help around the house, thank her. She will never ask to leave you.

Please stand up to your mother and change the living situation so everyone can have peace. Pray istikhara about what to do and the Prayer of Need before dawn to ask for Allah’s help and guidance. May Allah reward you for trying to fulfill everyone’s rights. Please see these excellent answers:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-wife-doesnt-get-along-with-my-mother-what-do-i-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/leave-parents-allow-wife-house/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obligatory-woman-look-laws/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

I feel like a failure being single

Question: When I was 23, I got an arranged marriage and divorced 3 months later. I was depressed, and my family was also suffering from all the children’s problems. I am living with my family at 29 years old and am now more stable. But, I don’t get along with my sister, who is 30, single, depressed, and blames my mother for her own mistakes. She abuses my mother, who is intolerable for me. My mother is a divorcee, and she is the strongest woman I know. I love her very much. I want to leave this house full of bad memories because I feel like a failure, and I want a new start for myself. But I don’t want to leave my mother, and I am Pakistani, and it’s taboo to live alone. I don’t pray as much as I should. I’m so confused as to what to do with my life. If I leave, will I be cursed forever and never marry for going against my mother? If I stay, I will be miserable but may get somewhere in life.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through so much trouble with your personal situation, and I empathize with your frustration.

Worth

Her marital status does not decide a woman’s worth. There are great women in our history who never married, but their legacy lives on until today. Take Rabi`a al `Adawiyyah and Maryam, the mother of `Isa, for example. Countless women among our ummah brought tremendous benefit and good to the ummah, including lady scholars, benefactresses, and physicians from our history. The Prophet said, “The best among you is the one brings the most benefit.“ See this link about great Muslim women of the past.
https://funci.org/great-women-in-islamic-history-a-forgotten-legacy/?lang=en

Busy yourself

From your question, I can see that your feelings of failure and frustration are not coming at all from living with your mother. You only feel this way because you believe that you haven’t accomplished anything. It would help if you did something. Please consider going back to school to get certified in something you are interested in or get a job in your field. You will feel motivated to work hard in something and have the satisfaction of accomplishment every day. I guarantee that you that staying home at your age will drive you crazy. I know more than one person that chose a new career path in their late twenties and was successful and satisfied by their mid-thirties.

The side benefits are that you will be out of the house more and don’t have to deal with your sister. If you choose the path of education, you will bet setting yourself up financially to help your mother in the future, and the blessings in your rizq (sustenance) will increase from there. If you decide to work, you can contribute financially now as well.

Also, in your free time, do what is right for your mind and body. Get a beneficial hobby, exercise, learn a skill set that can help you in the future, take a class recreationally on something that you enjoy, see friends and family and make sure to get out in nature for fresh air. If staying home does not benefit you, don’t stay home too much.

Moving out

Moving out to be in your home is harder than you think, especially if you want to pursue a study or a career. It will be much easier to do that from your mother’s home and not have the extra burden of handling all the cooking, cleaning, and bills. Please take advantage of being with her and use that time to your full potential.

Istikhara and praying

I can’t make this decision for you, and I may not know all the facts.  But I know that if you don’t start praying the five prayers, you may not have the maturity to move out. The way I see it is that you want success and happiness from Allah, you must give him something at the very minimum, and that is the obligations that he is imposed on you. This includes fasting, praying five times daily, paying zakat on time, and performing hajj if you can. I guarantee that if you start putting Allah first on your list, you will find tremendous changes in your life.

Pray istikhara about what to do and the Prayer of Need before dawn to ask for Allah’s help and guidance. May Allah reward you for trying to change your life. Just remember that the change must start from within you, not necessarily from your outside circumstances. Consider taking this course on change:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/change-happens-the-quranic-principles-for-justice-and-social-change/

And see these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/everything-going-wrong-life/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage-and-divorce/how-can-i-deal-with-the-pain-of-failing-to-marry/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Nikah delayed until graduation

Nikah was delayed until graduation.

Question: I’m almost 20 years old and currently engaged to a great man who is 26 years old. We are both ready to start our lives together, but my parents don’t want a nikah (katb al-Kitab) for another few years until I graduate. I sat down with them multiple times and told them that it isn’t right to postpone marriage. My fiancé is financially stable, and he can provide for me while I study. He has a house for us and a great business. We don’t want to postpone any longer as it’s already almost been a year. We want to make this halal ASAP for the sake of Allah. Is there a way for us to do our nikah without my parents?

Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration. A long engagement is not the right thing in Islam, and there is great wisdom and protection in following the sunnah of hastening a nikah.

Secret marriage

Despite your frustrations, a secret marriage is never a good idea. It entails great disrespect to the parents, and many problems could arise during a secret marriage. What would you say if you got pregnant? What if he divorced you three times? Imagine explaining to your parents all of this happened before they knew you were even married.

Please see this answer for a full answer to your question:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/having-to-wait-for-nikah/

Slow down

I pray that you can find a way to cut down your communication with him and keep him at a distance. It will just make it harder if you are talking, texting, and meeting every day. Try to keep the conversation to what is necessary and keep it formal. This is the only way you will survive until you graduate.

Keep talking to your parents.

As for your parents, continually talk to them about allowing your nikah. They must understand that this is the best way to proceed. It will finalize the agreement to marry, and you can both start to get to know each other and get comfortable with one another. If you are already comfortable with him and know him well, you may have gone too far without a nikah already. One should always keep a respectful distance until a nikah is done.

Ask Allah

Ask Allah to change your parents’ minds, for He has control over everything. Ask Allah to fulfill your need by praying the Prayer of Need and doing your best to fulfill your obligations to Him. Show Allah that you will make an effort to keep it halal, and ask Him to bestow ease in this matter for you. May Allah reward you for trying to keep it halal, and may you keep it halal even if it doesn’t go how you planned.

 

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-to-solve-the-problem-with-prolonged-engagements/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

My husband won’t be intimate with me

Question: My husband is not interested in a physical relationship with me despite having no medical condition. I have talked to him many times but to no avail. I’ve come to the point of frustration now. What does Islam say in such a situation? Generally, he’s a very religious man, offers his prayers and lots of dhikr.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this pain and frustration. This is truly a crime against you and is contrary to the purpose of marriage.

Please see this link to know your rights of intimacy:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-advice-can-you-give-for-a-woman-whose-husband-does-not-want-to-be-intimate-with-her/

Please see these excellent links for your problems:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-husband-and-i-barely-have-marital-intimacy-what-do-i-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/value-companionship-husband-refuses-marital-intimacy/

Please try the steps mentioned in the links as well as these:

-Try dressing up for him every day, smelling nice, and wearing lingerie to bed; also, consider sleeping naked
-Try spending time cuddling with him or talking to him before bed after the children are asleep
-Work on the bond between you instead of talking about intercourse. Do fun things together, eat out together, pray together, exercise together, and work on building your relationship. When you are bonded, he won’t want to disappoint or hurt you.
-Communicate your feelings to him in a way that is not belittling, complaining, criticizing, or not validating his feelings. The approach is critical.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah for all of your problems and give charity, asking Allah to change his desires. Pray the Prayer of Need and make du`a, for the One who sent this problem is the very One that can take it away. Show patience and reliance.
Channel your pain into du`a and ask Allah to fill your heart with love of Him and worship of Him and dhikr of Him so that you become stronger to face this problem and don’t face fitna or temptation.

Most importantly, remember this prophetic hadith: “Wondrous are the ways of a believer for it is good in every affair of his, and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. If he has an occasion to feel delighted, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.“ [Muslim] May Allah rewards you for your patience and helps you through this.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

If I Follow the Shafi’i Position on Hurma al Musahara Can I Marry Someone as a Hanafi?

 

Question:

Assalamu ‘Alaykum.

I asked you about hurma al musahara and you advised me to follow the Shafi’i school on that. Based on that, do I have to marry the lady I am to marry according to the Shafi’i school?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Do not worry. A Nikah which fulfills the conditions of the Hanafi school would suffice. However, the scenario you have described above would make a valid nikah in the Hanafi and the Shafi’i school. (al Mawsu’a al Kuwaitiyya)

You have nothing to worry about. Ask Allah for ease, and make this a marriage a means to draw closer to Allah.

May Allah facilitate all matters for you.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

What are the gender interaction limits before our nikah?

What are the gender interaction limits before our nikah?

Question: I’m 20 years old and in a relationship with a girl that I met online in a community. We know each other extremely well but still have not seen each other. We both have true feelings for each other for marriage. Alhamdulillah, we both have stopped listening to music, telling lies, for Allah’s pleasure, and to improve ourselves. I’m doing Hifz, and she also reads Qur’an. We talk daily about Islam and teach each other. Since we love each other for marriage, but at the moment, it’s not possible because we both are studying and have to complete university before we tell our parents, can we maintain this relationship like this until marriage, and what should we avoid?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am very pleased to hear that two young religious people have found each other for marriage and have not crossed any physical limits. However, I am still concerned about the emotional attachment you have formed with her without telling your parents.
Please see this detailed article about gender interaction:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/

Atypical road to marriage

The problem here is that you have not taken the traditional means of proposing to a girl. Normally, a man looks at a girl when he is ready for marriage and starts from there. If he is pleased with her looks, he starts to get to know her with everyone’s knowledge and decides whether her goals and religion align with his. Then he gets proposes and gets engaged, during which he limits interaction with her to wedding planning, or shopping for their new home, never being along with her, and marries her very soon after.

What I see is that you have an online girlfriend, and you have not yet fulfilled the basic sunnah of looking at her. Instead, you have a full-fledged attachment to her and have made quite a big promise to her without involving your parents. What if they don’t approve? What if her parents disapprove of you? I feel that what you have both done will set you up for disappointment and pain. I also feel this will negatively impact your hifz.

First, look

You obviously seek Allah’s pleasure, and the only way to do that is to make it halal. Please look at her and make sure that you want to go ahead with proposing. Looking at her is a basic sunna that the Prophet advised for anyone who wishes to marry; may Allah bless him and grant him peace.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-get-married-if-i-cant-look-at-the-opposite-sex/

Second, talk to your parents.

Please tell your parents that you have made an intention toward a girl and that you would like to proceed to get engaged. Once you are both engaged formally with everyone’s knowledge, you can talk about doing a nikah even before you both graduate to spend time together. You can also plan to have your wedding upon graduation and move in together.

Don’t continue like this.

Carrying on like this doesn’t really have any benefit. I guarantee you that although you speak of Qur’an and Islam with her, after months or even years, the conversations will take an unhealthy turn. Anything could happen; you may even fall out of love and leave her. Imagine if you had a daughter. Would you want her to be attached to a man online? Give her the honor and dignity that she deserves and propose to her, in everyone’s presence, with a mahr and a plan for support and housing. Limit your interaction until the wedding to only the necessary. This will give you barakah in your life and make the whole experience sweeter.

May Allah facilitate this union for you and guide you both to the best for this world and the next.

[Ustadha]  Shazia Ahmad

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Desires while waiting for marriage

Question: I am 27 years old from India and currently preparing for civil services. From this Ramadan, Allah has guided me a lot. I have stopped listening to music, watching tv, and looking at explicit content. I was in a relationship, but when I learned anything before nikah is haram, I have stopped it. Now my parents want to wait until I qualify for my exam, i.e., another 6 months, to get married. I don’t want to indulge in any haram, but I miss having a companion and want to get married as soon as possible. What should I do?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum

Thank you for your question. Congratulations on your recent transformation and your desire to stay away from the haram. This is truly a gift from Allah that can’t even be measured.

Try these steps to curb your urges until you are married. Be grateful that it is only six months, as many Muslims have to wait longer or unable to marry altogether.

Fast

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry should marry because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e., his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse, etc.), and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes; his sexual power.“ [Bukhari]

Fast at least twice a week, according to the prophetic advice, you will think about your dinner instead of your desires. Always keep away from images of women and lower your gaze from them in real life, too. See these links for excellent advice on controlling sexual urges:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-deal-with-my-sexual-urges-if-i-dont-want-to-marry/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/controlling-sexual-desires-when-marriage-is-put-on-hold/

Good company and hobbies

Another excellent outlet is friends. Good religious friends are so important in times like this; they give you relief from stress, you can talk to them, pray with them, you can invite them for food, or go to their place. They can be a man’s best remedy. Please reach out to some God-fearing people you know and initiate some socializing; it will go a long way in sha Allah.

Also, take up a beneficial hobby or skill to keep you busy in your free time. Exercise every day and get some fresh air in nature. Even better, get together with friends to be active or play a sport.

Turn to Allah

Last but not least, make du`a. Allah is the All-hearing, All-Knowing. Get up before fajr, and ask Allah to help you be patient. Pray the Prayer of Need and tahajjud before dawn and read Qur’an every day with the meaning. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, told us, “When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over. Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) till it is daybreak.“ [Muslim]

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you through this in a way that is beloved to Him and best for this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

I met someone who makes me happier than my husband does

I met someone who makes me happier than my husband does

Question: I am a Muslim woman, married for over 23 years, and have two grown-up children. It was an arranged marriage, and we have always had a difference of opinion on important matters in our lives – though I was never allowed to give my opinion while he made all the decisions. Our bond was never strong, nor was he interested in building one. The last 8 years have been very stressful for me. We have not had a relationship as a married couple for over 14 years. We live like strangers under the same roof because we barely talk. I am the current breadwinner, and the house is mine. Recently, I met someone, and for the first time, I feel mentally happy as a person. What does Islam say about nikah and divorce? I have had a hysterectomy, so I cannot bear any more children.  Given the long ‘separation’ between my husband and me – is my nikah to him valid? I am not sure he will divorce me because of maintaining reputation. Can I have a second nikah?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have had a less than optimal marriage and that your rights are not fulfilled. I pray that you can find a solution that is halal and beneficial for both of you. It sounds likes you have fallen in love and wish to leave your husband for this man. There are many things to consider before you do such a thing.

Work on your marriage

Your marriage to him is still valid even though you have not been intimate in over a decade. Have you tried communicating with him about how you feel? Is it not worth it to liven up your marriage and commit to that? Consider counseling, a weekly date night, engaging him in conversation, dressing up for him, or even taking a vacation together. Communication is always key. Consider taking this marriage course to learn more about how to improve your marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/keys-to-successful-muslim-marriages-practical-lessons-that-explain-the-prophetic-spirit-of-marriage/

Istikhara

If you feel like you have tried everything and have prayed istikhara, you should follow that. Pray the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night and pray tahajjud. Ask Allah to guide you to what is best for your faith and best for your family.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/

Consequences

Marriage takes many years to forge and solidify, and breaking it apart won’t be easy. Consider that you will battle with your husband over the house, and the kids will be conflicted about where to live or how often to visit each of you.

Also, you have absolutely no guarantee that this man will marry you after you leave your husband. How heartbroken would you be if he left you even after you divorced your husband for him? I encourage you to keep your distance from this man because you don’t want to fall into adultery or cheating. Although it seems, outwardly, you would be happier with this other man, the pain of divorce is not usually worth it, and the other man might not measure up to what you expected.

I pray that you do what is best for you and your family, objectively and wisely, and not just succumb to your whims and desires. May Allah guide you to what is best for your worldly and religious affairs.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/etiquettes-going-divorce/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Should I insist that my parents let me marry my secret boyfriend?

Should I insist that my parents let me marry my secret boyfriend?

Question: What if you are in a sinful relationship and your parents don’t agree with marriage? Should I persist in marriage or repent with Allah and forget everything and start a new life? If I don’t listen to my parents, will I suffer after marriage?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. If you are in a sinful relationship, the first thing that you must do is to leave him as a girlfriend and make sincere repentance. Continuously disregarding Allah’s commands is the thing that causes one to suffer, nothing else. See this link:  https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/what-are-the-conditions-of-making-tawba-transcript-ustadh-abdullah-misra/

Second, pray istikhara to seek guidance from Allah on this matter. Ask Him if this man is worth pursuing. Also, ask yourself if you’re satisfied with a man who doesn’t mind being in a sinful relationship before marriage. Ask yourself if he is good husband material, weigh the pros and cons, and follow through with your istikhara:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/

Finally, after separating from this man, he should come with his parents to your home and propose. Ask your parents to consider the proposal seriously. He should also come up with a financial and educational plan to marry and support you. If your parents agree, it is a blessing, but it would be better for you to move on if they don’t. See these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-i-marry-my-boyfriend-or-break-off-the-relationship/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-make-dua-allah-sends-boyfriend-future-husband/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.