What Should One Do If One Had Intercourse With One’s Wife While She Was Still Menstruating?

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: What should one do if one had intercourse with one’s wife and then later found out that she was still menstruating?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important and valued question.

In the Shafi’i school, it is recommended when one has intercourse with one’s wife and then later finds out that she is still menstruating to give away half an Islamic gold dinar in charity, or its monetary equivalent. (Asna al-Matalib, Zakariya al Ansari)

There is, of course, no sin on either party as it happened unintentionally.

The Islamic gold dinar is 4.235g. (Reliance of the Traveller, Nuh Keller) Today, half of that would roughly come out to 102 USD.

The reason for this ruling is the hadith, ‘If a man sleeps with his wife while she is menstruating, then if the blood is dark red, let him give a dinar in charity, and if it is light in color, let him give half a dinar.’ (Abu Dawud and others)

I pray this helps,

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Supplication to Find Someone to Marry

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question: I love someone a lot and I want to marry him. At first, he said he wanted to marry me, too, but later, during an argument, he said he is not interested at all. Please can you give me a Supplication [du’a] that can help this marriage happen and that softens his heart toward me?

Answer: Assalamu alaykum sister,

I pray that you have success in your life and marry the right man for you. I know this must be very difficult for you, getting in an argument and hearing big proclamations is not easy.

Limits

First, sister, I would recommend that you remain within the limits that Allah has set for you. You say you love him but are not yet married to him. Please refrain from being alone with him or uncovering in front of him. Please lower your gaze with him, be sure not to make physical contact and your interaction should be restricted to a need-basis only. I don’t want you to get more attached to him and then it doesn’t end up working out.

Trust (Tawakkul)

Rely on Allah regarding this matter. Pray the prayer of need and ask Allah to help you. If this really is the right person, ask that Allah manifest this to you. If he isn’t, ask that Allah make it plain to you. This link will show you how to pray it: How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?

Du’a

The best du’a for a Muslim is a du’a from the desperate heart. Bless the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, ask forgiveness for your sins, thank Him for the countless blessings, and then supplicate from your heart. Then end off with blessing the Prophet again, may Allah bless him and give him peace.

In addition to this, some supplications from our Holy book come to mind:

“Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You forgive us not, and bestow not upon us Your mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers. [Qur`an, 7:23]

Oh my Lord! I am indeed needy of whatever good you may send to me. [Qur’an 28:24]

Also please go through these excellent articles that comprises all you need to know for a successful marriage, in sha Allah: Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Moving Away From my Husband

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: If I have moved away from my husband to live in another country, does he still have to support me financially?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

The default between husband and wife is a relationship between forgiveness and openhandedness. Allah Most High says, ‘And do not forget giving more to each other.’ (Qur’an 2: 237)

That said, at the same time there is a Sacred Law that defines and protects the rights of each spouse, and in the circumstance that the wife moves away from her husband to live in another country for her own reasons, he is not obliged to support her financially, even if he permitted her to travel. (Fath al Muin, Millibari)

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Custody Of A Child

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: Assalam u Alaikum, I have been a widow for 2 years. In the Hanafi fiqh, if I decide to marry again to a non-mahram, what custody and responsibilities will I have over my son and daughter? My father-in-law has stated he is the wali of the children, what age is this till?

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah

In cases of marital separation by death or divorce, the custody of young children normally immediately transfers to the mother of the children.

If the child is a boy, the mother has a right to keep him until he is able take care of his own needs, such as eating, drinking, and using the bathroom without assistance. This has been estimated to be around seven lunars years of age. And if the child is a girl, the mother has a right to keep her until she begins becomes an adult according to the Sacred Law (shari‘a). Thereafter, the custody rights transfer to the father. In the absence of a father, the next in line is the paternal grandfather, the brother, and finally the paternal uncle. This is the upshot, but there are, of course, details.

Child Custody in Cases of Remarriage

Abu Dawud reported a tradition (hadith) in which a lady came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah! My womb was a container for this son of mine, my bosom was a source of drink for him and my lap was a place of security and protection. His father divorced me and he wants to take him away from me.” So the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “You have a greater right to him as long as you do not marry.”

If a mother remarries somebody who is not a blood relative (mahram) of the child, she loses her right to custody. The reason for this is that her new marriage may busy her from giving sufficient attention to raising the children, and even if it doesn’t, it is assumed as such. Accordingly, the right transfers to the maternal grandmother and failing that, the paternal grandmother. Any time there is a death or a person is unfit or unable to look after the child, the right transfers to the next person. When the right is with other than a mother, both girls and boys have the same custody period.

Whenever the child becomes an adult, custody rights no longer apply. Hence, the children may choose where to live at this point. Similarly, and whenever the matter is taken to court, the verdict is going to be binding because it now becomes a procedural issue which one is normally bound to uphold. If this occurs in a non-Muslim country, the law of the land would need to respect. Hence, if the judge rules in favor of the mother, she would have the right to keep the children. Moreover, it is possible for somebody who has a right to forgo it, and thereafter, suitable living arrangements with the mother could potentially be organized.

Guardianship of Young Children

As for guardianship (wilaya), it remains in the hands of the paternal grandfather, as long as he is alive, who takes the place of his son, the father, normally until adulthood. The job of the guardian is to ensure that the child gets an education, medical attention, when and if required, and that his money and possessions are safeguarded. It doesn’t mean that he gets custody rights immediately because that is a separate set of laws.

(Qadri Pasha, al-Ahkam al-Shar‘iyya fi’l Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya; al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya; Kurdi, al-Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya)

Please also see: Who Gets Custody of the Children After a Divorce?

And Allah Most High knows best

[Ustadh] Tabraze Azam

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Tabraze Azam holds a BSc in Computer Science from the University of Leicester, where he also served as the President of the Islamic Society. He memorized the entire Qur’an in his hometown of Ipswich at the tender age of sixteen, and has since studied the Islamic Sciences in traditional settings in the UK, Jordan, and Turkey. He is currently pursuing advanced studies in Jordan, where he is presently based on his family.

Supplication For Getting Married

Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: I had a relation for 2 months with a boy but we broke up because we are from different states and our parents won’t allow us to get married. Is there any supplication I can do to get him as my husband in the future with our parent’s acceptance?

Answer: assalamu alaykum

You should note at the outset that having such a relationship before marriage is not sanctioned in Islam. While it is good to see you are thinking about marriage and validating your relationship in the eyes of the shariah, if you have engaged in any past behaviors that the shariah deems impermissible, you should seek God’s forgiveness for it as should the other party.

In this way, you can proceed with marriage in the correct way and with the blessings of God. You should know that the doors of His mercy are always open: “Do not despair of the mercy of God. Surely, God forgives all sins. Indeed, He is the Most Forgiving, the Merciful’ (39:53).”

Regarding a supplication, you can use any words you like. There are other general supplications you should recite as well, which include:

“Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.” (25:74)

You should also recite the istikhara prayer. Set your mind and heart to God granting you a spouse who is best for your worldly and next-worldly life regardless of who it is.

Please see: A Dua to Make Someone My Spouse and Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance

Wassalam,

[Ustadh Salman Younas]

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Salman Younas was born and raised in New York and graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Political Science and Religious Studies. After studying the Islamic sciences online and with local scholars in New York, Ustadh Salman moved to Amman. There he studies Islamic law, legal methodology, belief, hadith methodology, logic, Arabic, and tafsir. Ustadh Salman’s personal interests include research into the fields of law/legal methodology, hadith, theology, as well as political theory, government, media, and ethics. He is also an avid traveler and book collector. He currently resides in Amman with his wife.

Doubts About Marriage

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: I want to marry a man and he wants to marry me. The problem is that his mother wants him to marry someone else. What can we do?

Answer: Bismillahi al-Rahman al-Rahim.

Your suitor should make a wise decision based on advice from outside his family and the guidelines of the Sacred Law. Whoever he sees fit, he should marry. His mother is not his guardian, and he has to make decisions for himself.

Obeying One’s Parents

Our moral debt to our parents, and especially our mothers is something great indeed, and seldom we do really grasp what respect, reverence, and gratitude are due to them.

Allah Most High says:

‘And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.’ (Qur’an, 31: 14)

That said, respect and reverence, and care and financial support do not entail allowing them to ruin one’s life. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Let there be no harm or any harming back.’ (Malik, al-Muwatta)

So as long as there is no harm, he should obey his mother. For more detail please from the Hanafi school, please see: When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?

In the Shafi’i school, it would not be obligatory to obey one’s mother or father in such a request. (Bulqini, al-Fatawa)

A wise and grateful son would navigate his way through such a problem taking both positions into consideration, and being respectful, loving, and polite to his mother. But he would not marry someone he knows he cannot ever live with.

Please also see: Obeying Parents in Matters of Marriage 

Mama’s Boy

Many modern scholars of different schools of thought have warned of the over-involvement and control of parents, and particularly mothers, in their sons’ marriages. Sometimes, there is an all too close attachment between mother and son that is really not healthy. At a certain point, people have to realize that the married couple area new and independent family, and that the son is no longer a baby sitting on his mother’s lap filling her eyes with joy: he has moved on and has a life of his own.

Mothers may not take well to this realization, and it can sometimes require the son/husband to take the initiative and distance himself from his mother in order for the relationships to assume their proper mold.

Conclusion

Your husband-to-be should make his independent decision while being polite, caring, and respectful. He should also look at which of the two brides-to-be have the best character and religious practice.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid DingleFarid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to crafts lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

We Created You In Pairs Meaning

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: So the concept of everyone being created in pairs, how does it apply to modern day life/ this generation? Many divorces/ separations/ men having more than one wife. So how does the concept of Allah creating us all in pairs work?

Answer: Assalamu alaykumwa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Regarding the verse of the Quran ‘And of everything single things we have created in pairs.’ [51: 49], Imam al-Alusi says,

‘This means two types that are different and distinguishable from its other, such as the male and the female, the sky and the earth … light and darkness, white and black … salvation and damnation … all of which indicate that all created beings are composite, and that they need a creator and that He alone is the One … As has been explained by Al-Kharraz (Allah sanctify his soul) that the meaning of Allah’s godhood and oneness is that He creates things in combinations, and less all singularity to Himself.’

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to crafts lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Heartbreak and Looking for a Blessed Marriage

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: I fell in love with someone married and we work in the same company. I don’t know what to do. Every time I see him with his wife it kills me inside. I have become depressed and I keep having mental break downs. Please advise me. Should I marry him? Should I leave him?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Practical steps

If I were in your shoes, I would just cut relations with him, and try my best to work in another company. You would not be doing anything haram, but it would make the heartbreak much easier if you just distanced yourself as much as possible.

It doesn’t sound like being a second wife will work out.

Please see: Can the Man I Love Take Me as a Second Wife Despite His Mother’s Disapproval? 

Building on love

We all know the adage ‘Love is blind.’ We all have to direct our deep feelings of love, adoration and obsession to the wider plain of being that it belongs to: Allah Mighty and Majestic.

The is a Persian maxim that goes: Fake love without real love is pointless, yet real love without fake love is pretty difficult. It means that loving this world or its creatures is a fake love that does not mean anything and is just worldliness. However, it is very hard to love Allah and worship Him fully if you have never tasted love, and usually, heartbreak.

Try and make a habit of reciting Surah ‘Qul huwa Allahu ahad’ and focus on Allah as the One to which your heart really turns to and needs.

I would also advise getting the book Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to crafts lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

I Fell in Love with a Married Man.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I fell in love with a married man. He confided in me about how he has not had marital intimacy with his wife since the birth of his two year old son. She is rude to him, his parents, and has many other bad character traits. He does not want to divorce her because he wants his child to grow up with both parents in the same house.

In Islam, are you are allowed to have two wives and not have marital intimacy with the first – meaning, to only keep the first because she is the mother of his child?

Answer: Dear sister, you are in a very delicate and challenging situation. I pray that Allah grants you the courage to do what is pleasing to Him.

Reality Of Trials

You have fallen in love with a married man, who has fallen out of love with his wife. It sounds like his wife may be struggling with some form of postpartum depression and/or anxiety. Having a small child to care for can be very stressful on any marriage.

I see two options:

1) He exhausts all avenues to repair his marriage before divorcing his wife and then marries you.
2) He exhausts all avenues to repair his marriage, succeeds in healing the rift in his marriage and stays committed to his wife.

When Staying Married Is Oppression

Narrated Anas (may Allah be pleased with him):

Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari]

It would be a form of oppression for this young man to stay in his marriage. His wife is failing to fulfil her marital obligations, and he has become emotionally unfaithful to her. It would be more just for him to divorce her, decide on how to jointly raise their child, and move forward.

Please know that he is already hurting his child by staying in an unhappy marriage. Children learn best from who we are, what we do, far more than what we say. Even though he is only two, his whole world is his parents, and he can tell when they are in pain. Perhaps it would be better for his child to see that it is possible for his parents to find fulfilling marriages elsewhere, rather than stagnate and grow resentful for his sake. That is a terribly unfair burden to place on an innocent child.

Problematic pattern of behaviour

It would have been better for this young man to address the problems in his marriage with the help of a marriage counsellor. This may start up a problematic pattern of behaviour. If you marry him, please ensure that you both deal with conflict as a team, instead of him straying elsewhere for comfort.

Being a second wife

It is not permissible to be married to two women with the intention to not have marital relations with the first. Both wives are owed the obligation of equal treatment.

In short, being a second wife is permissible, but in today’s modern context, strongly disliked. I strongly discourage you from being a secret second wife. You need the support of your family.

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance to help you decide how to move forward.

Marriage

Marriage is a journey of growth. Growth is not always easy. Please do this course to help prepare you: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Additionally, please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, as often as you need to.

I pray that Allah blesses you with goodness in this life and the next.

Please see:

Polygamy archives
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Want to Marry a Man with a Five Year Old Daughter.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am seriously considering marrying a divorced man who has a 5 year old daughter. He comes from a good family Mashallah and I am content with the level of deen that I understand he practices and how I see his Akhlaq.

I have never been married before nor have any children. My question and concern is what responsibility would I have towards the child?

Due to divorce laws in the States, he is able to see his daughter every two weeks during the weekend, but otherwise she lives with her Mom. This condition will be revisited when she is 9.

Also, I would greatly appreciate if you could recommend any helpful Islamic resources with this situation.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Responsibility towards stepdaughter

You will be the child’s stepmother, and your responsibility is to treat her with mercy and good character. Open your heart to her, and give yourselves time to form a relationship. Because she is still young, if her temperament is an easy one, then it will be easier for you to bond. If is a more challenging child – parental divorce is difficult even on the easiest children – then please be patient with her, and do not take her big feelings personally. Do everything in your power to be kind and a safe haven for her.

When you start to have your own children, please continue to make an effort to nourish your relationship with your stepdaughter. Her future half-siblings are mahram to her, and it is important that she feels included and loved, even if she does not live with all of you.

I pray that with an open heart, you will be able to embrace her as if she were your own flesh and blood.

Blended family resources

The Role Of A Step-Parent
Muslim Step-Families
Seven Tips for Stepfamily Success
making a good mix: seven tips for stepparenting and blended families
Grown-ups: blended families & stepfamilies

May Allah bless your upcoming marriage. The ummah needs more women like you. Please keep in touch.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.