Marrying Someone Other Than Parent’s Choice

Question: I have been suffering from family problems since 2016. My parents and siblings don’t understand what I want. My mom wants me to marry someone I don’t want. She urges me all the time. I don’t have anyone close to share my problem with. I always feel lonely and depressed. I have seen one guy and when I saw him I felt like I had known him for a thousand years. I started to like him but we haven’t met. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I want to marry him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I pray that you can communicate openly with your mother about your feelings instead of suffering silently.

Forced marriage

Keep in mind that marriage cannot be forced in Islam. A woman must consent to marry her suitor and you should not be made to feel guilty about it. Have you prayed istikhara about this man that your mother speaks of? Was it negative? Have you told her that you had a negative istikhara?

There is no shame in explaining to her how you feel and that she is causing you a lot of distress and worry with her pressure. Try to sit down and understand her reasons for suggesting this man, and after clear deliberation, respond with polite curtness and firmness that you will not agree, once you are certain.

See this link as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-mother-force-marry-someone/

Your alternative suitor

As for the other man that you speak of, I am afraid that you don’t know anything about him, nor does he know you. How do you know that he is right for you? What do you base your choice on? His looks? Please pray Istikhara about this person and if it’s positive, proceed to tell your parents. It won’t be easy, but you must start communicating with them if you don’t want to be potentially miserable for the rest of your life. These are the times in life when you speak up.

See these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Friends

I noticed in your question that you said you are not close to anyone. This saddened me because a young Muslim cannot get by in life without friends. They are supporters, helpers, beloved for their good character, and there to lean on and learn from. Please socialize a bit more and seek out good religious friends that are a good influence and that you can relate to and relax with. They are instrumental in times like this.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace” [Bukhari].

May Allah make the choice easy for you and may you be blessed to marry the perfect man suited to you, and may Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 

My Non-Muslim Parents Want Me To Marry a Non-Muslim

Learn a Short Surah

Question: Idolatrous parents don’t approve of their daughter’s marriage because her suitor doesn’t believe in idol worship. Instead, they want her to marry an idol-worshipper. She does not currently believe in idol worship and believes firmly in Almighty God. What should she do in light of the Quran and hadith?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  This must be a difficult time for you since your beliefs are very different from your parents’ beliefs. I pray that you can reconcile with them with ease and good character without undue pain and hardship to either party.

Marrying a non-Muslim man

Please see this answer about why a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man, there is simply no room for it in the shari`ah and there is unanimous consensus about its impermissibility.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/muslim-woman-not-allowed-marry-non-muslim-man/

Non-Muslim father to act as a legal guardian

If your parents are non-Muslim, while you are Muslim, your father may not act as your guardian for your marriage contract. In such a situation, you would ask an imam or other reliable legal upright Muslim man to act on his behalf.

In addition, you would not need his permission to marry the man of your choice. Please see these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-a-convert-and-ready-to-marry/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-to-overcome-the-hardships-of-getting-married-as-an-hidden-convert/

Family and Wisdom

With the understanding of the above rulings, you should proceed with love, tact, and wisdom. Your parents brought you into this world and they should be involved in attending the wedding and being informed every step of the way. Explain to them gently that what they want from you is not possible.

Respect their views and hear their advice, even if you disagree and will not act upon it. Tell them that you appreciate any marital advice that they can offer after the marriage has taken place and that you hope and expect that they will be active participants in your children’s lives.

Du`a

Ask Allah after your daily prayers and during the last third of the night to facilitate this matter and that your parents be patient and accept your differences. It may take time, but I am certain that they will continue to love you and respect your choices in life. Read some Qu’ran every day with the meaning and learn your obligations in your daily Islamic practice and as a Muslim wife.

Consider taking these free courses:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/introduction-to-islam-what-it-means-to-be-muslim/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Accepting a Proposal

 

Living Green Series

Question: A guy from back home requested my hand in marriage. I spoke with him over the phone and did istikhara. After reading a Seekersguidance article about marriage, his name came up. I thought it was a good sign, but I still said no. Then I felt I made a mistake and prayed to Allah that if this proposal comes back, I’ll say yes. After a few months, they did propose again. I’m not sure now. He does not want me to work and wants me to move back home. I’m worried I won’t be happy with him with these conditions.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. It is indeed confusing and frustrating when one is trying to choose one’s spouse and make the best decision. I pray that Allah guides you to the right decision for you and puts blessings in your situation.

Istikhara

If I were in your shoes, I would pray istikhara again. This situation is different from the last situation because the timing is different and you or the suitor may have changed and seen things differently. Pray it for 3 or 7 days and see how you feel. If you are feeling good overall, that is a good sign but if you are having doubts again, then this is a bad sign. See the etiquette of istikhara here:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

A basis to pray your istikhara on

Usually before one prays istikhara for marriage, one has a basis to consider someone. Does this man have any of the qualities of a good suitor? Have you followed the Prophetic advice when you considered him? The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari and Muslim].

So, in short, if this man has the qualities that you should consider first in a husband, then you should pray istikhara and follow it. If you still can’t decide, talk to him a few more times to learn about his personality and go with your instinct. If he doesn’t even have the praiseworthy qualities of a pious husband, I think that you should just walk away.

Working and living back home

If you do decide to accept this man, you should wholeheartedly accept his conditions and not get upset later on. If there is any room for compromise, you should have that discussion now. As for living back home, be ready to accept it when you do go there and know what you are getting into. If you really feel that it’s not right for you, after praying istikhara and speaking to elders, friends, or scholars for advice, then walk away now.

Resources

Please see these articles and be sure to take a free course on marriage so that you can learn about your rights and obligations and strive for a spiritually Islamic marriage.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/arrogant-decline-proposal-promiscuous-man-now-scholar/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/marriage-in-islam-a-reader/

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

May Allah reward you and give you the absolute best in your choice of marriage for your world and hereafter.

Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 Telling Fiancee You Love Her

Question: Is it halal to tell your fiancee that you love her?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

Before one gets married to someone (the contract itself), the interactions between the bride and the groom should be of two types. The first is looking at each other and talking in order to gauge whether or not there is compatibility. The second is purely practical communication about how and when the marriage will take place.

Whatever interaction or communication that creates, or may well create lustful thoughts, after deciding on marriage is not permissible.

Please see:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/intimate-conversations-on-the-phone-before-marriage/

Regarding expressing one’s love for someone else, it is a kind of borderline and should be avoided if possible. It definitely shouldn’t spill over into romantic messages going back and forward.

Please see the novel “The Early Hours” by Marmaduke Pickthall for examples of innocent interactions between bride and groom before marriage.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Marrying My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I was born and raised in UAE and lived there for 14 years with my family and then we shifted back to Pakistan. Now that I am 18, my family is planning to shift back to the UAE. I have been in a relationship for 3 years here and when I told him about us shifting, he proposed a nikah so that our relationship would be accepted and halal. I want this, too, but how do I talk to my parents as they won’t let me marry at 18 years old.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I commend you for willing to make your relationship halal and for wanting to step out of the sin that you are currently committing. May Allah reward you for your intention and open a way for what is best for you.

Talking to parents

There really is no way around it. You will have to speak to your parents and tell them that you have found someone that you believe suits you and your family. You don’t need to reveal your illicit relationship to them, as that would break their hearts, and Muslims may not reveal their sins to others.

You may even consider asking a third party to sit down with your parents and recommend this boy to them so that it’s not only coming from you. Another option is for the boy to come directly to your parents with his father, and they officially propose. Or, his mother could call your mother and tell her that she would like to propose marriage. Involving the parents would be the most honorable way. Of course, his parents would have to be convinced, first.

Then if your parents were to accept, both parties could agree on a timeline for a nikah and wedding reception. An immediate nikah would be optimal so that the relationship becomes halal, but you would have to wait for your parents’ permission. A delayed nikah is better than nothing and you should consider yourself blessed if they agree, even if they make you wait.

If they refuse

If your parents refuse this official proposal, first discuss the reasons with them. If they want you to complete university, promise them that you will. Perhaps you can meet halfway. Complete half of your degree, and then marry, and then complete the other half. If they feel they don’t know the boy, perhaps you can have them sit down and get to know each other. If they have some other concerns, try to address it and use politeness and good character to convince them.

If they refuse, even after many discussions, then you are left with no choice. You will have to move on and allow your heart to heal and find someone else at the right time and in the right way. If this happens, don’t ever tell your future spouse about him.

For now

For now, you should repent and cease all physical contact with him. You both have to make a major decision and there is no sense in dragging this on if it will not lead to fruition. Get serious, stop seeing him, make a good intention, and start working on convincing your parents. If it doesn’t work, make the painful break and start the healing process. Don’t ever allow yourself to be used and disrespected in this manner again. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best decision.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad of Ahmad].

Please see the link below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-in-an-impermissible-but-healthy-relationship-what-should-i-do/

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Choosing Phone Over Family

Reconnecting With Family

Question: My husband neglects me & the kids. He chats on social media all day long, even in the toilet, at the dinner table, and ignores us. He lies and says it’s work but it’s not. Often, all I get from him is a greeting. I constantly tell him to stop. I applied for a fasakh but he lied to the counselor. I feel lonely. When I discuss it with him, he ignores me. He doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t want to make time for me either. I don’t have any other adults to talk to but him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

I am so sorry that you are going through this hardship and I empathize with your pain. Some people don’t handle the use of the internet well and it destroys their time and relationships. I pray that your husband comes to understand your needs and learns how to balance his obligations with his personal entertainment.

Faskh or khul`

My understanding is that a Faskh can only be accomplished by an Islamic Court of Law after proving that your husband hasn’t supported you financially. Rather, in your case, a woman can apply for khul`, which is a release for payment. One would pay the husband a mutually agreed upon sum for him to release her from the marriage with his consent.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-women-stipulate-marriage-contract-right-initiate-divorce/

Communicating the problem

I recommend that you try fixing this marriage before walking away. There are many things that you can do, but I am afraid that telling him to stop isn’t one of them. You will have to take steps of having an honest, non-confrontational discussion about it, making technology-free zones in the house, turning up the intimacy, and making sure that you spend less time on the phone yourself.

I know a woman who had the same problem with her husband at the dinner table, so one evening, she overdid the salt in his dinner. He was shocked and asked her what happened to the food, and she said that she did it so he would speak to her at the table. After that day, he always spoke to her at dinnertime. Here are some ideas for you:

-Try inviting others for dinner, anybody, just so that he turns away from his phone and is forced to socialize.
-Try bringing up an interesting topic to him, such as sports, politics, or something else he likes.
-Try asking him to take you all out for dinner because you are tired and don’t want to cook.
-Try having him read stories to your children or take them to the park, appealing to him that they need to spend more time with him.
-Try getting him to help with their homework, or to buy certain things for them that they need for school.
-Try communicating with him through text message yourself, for this can often get a man’s attention.
-Last but not least, explain to him that the children need his love and attention and a male role model, or they will just grow up and ignore their families too. This is contrary to any decent way of living, let alone the Prophetic way.

Resources

Please read these books and article and see which one strikes a chord with you, that you can act upon:
https://www.amazon.ca/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0743204441/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8063/phone-addiction-ruining-relationship/

Please see these articles for excellent advice about internet addictions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-reconnect-to-my-husband-who-is-addicted-to-his-phone/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/log-off-live-life_b_1220542?fbclid=IwAR1p1-ItMHGFNwo6_7eZxAIGT9mXqL9Kxm4gdVXmKSveYlUhKIX4RvEo7xU

Please see this article for advice on addiction in general:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/advice-to-a-young-man-with-ocd-and-struggling-with-pornography-and-other-major-sins/

May Allah make it easy for you to move forward in a positive and loving marriage and help your husband realize that he is wronging himself and others. May Allah make it easy for all of you to change and grow together.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Interest-bearing Loan on Wife’s Name

Question: If a husband takes debts on the wife’s bank account, will she be the one who is in debt in front of Allah? He did not even tell her about it first. How should a wife deal with such behavior? The husband cannot pay back the money as quickly as he thinks and there are letters coming in that she has to make payments. This situation is very stressful for her because of usury.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have to go through this situation and I understand your frustration at your husband’s actions. It is wrong, and unmanly to treat a woman like this and to be comfortable with going at war with Allah over usury.

Are you responsible?

I don’t understand how your husband was able to take a loan out in your name without your signature? Perhaps this is possible in a shared account, but in light of his actions, I would recommend that you keep your money in a separate account under your name alone.

As for your responsibility, if he did this without your knowledge, how could you be responsible? However, now that you are both involved, as the bank could come after you, too, I would do my utmost to put everything towards your debt and live frugally until you are able to pay it off. Remove the sin as quickly as you can because it will affect your family life and you may be devoid of blessings in your day to day life. See this expert’s advice for getting out of debt.
https://funcheaporfree.com/how-to-get-out-of-debt-in-3-simple-steps/

Stress

As it is, you are stuck in a situation and I don’t want you to get stressed about it. You can do your best to help your husband, and budget well, but you are not responsible to pay this debt yourself. Remember to see every problem that you have, as sent to you by Allah as a test. You must try to have the right reaction and trust in Him. Ask him to guide you to the best way to get out of this and strive to fulfill your other obligations to Him. Spend time learning your religion, involve your husband as well, and take time to de-stress. Spend time in nature, take your supplements, exercise, and push away thoughts that won’t help you. Make a plan and follow it step-by-step.

Resources

Please learn this du’a about debt and say it daily:
https://seekersguidance.org/podcast-feeds/prophetic-character/prophetic-cure-worry-debt/

Please listen to this series on debt and try to have your husband listen to it with you:
https://dev.seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/debt-destroys-lives-rizqwise/

The absolute best advice that I can give you to deal with your husband’s bold behavior is here in this article about usury:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/am-i-sinful-to-live-with-a-husband-who-is-not-concerned-with-avoiding-usury/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next and facilitate your getting out of this situation, soon.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Living With My Fiancé

Question: I am engaged to someone who has just reverted to Islam. I am a revert too and I am homeless so I live with him. I feel guilty because we hang out together alone and sometimes we hug and kiss (no intercourse) and the situation is tricky because we have to wait a little bit to do the nikah because of his family situation. We know we are getting married, but is this still zina? What should we do to be halal until marriage?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, but I commend that you are asking about what is correct according to your new religion and that you are striving to do the right thing. May Allah reward you eternally.

Gender interaction with the fiance

According to Islam, it is impermissible for you to live with your fiancé. Specifically, you may not touch him and you may not be alone with him. See the rules of gender interaction here. These same rules apply to interaction with a fiancé because a nikah has not yet occurred:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/

Nikah ASAP

The situation that you describe, and that the fact that you are both reverts, makes me feel that you must do your nikah as soon as possible. As you are both reverts, parental permission is not needed, but they should be informed, involved, and included with respect and love throughout the process. It seems to be a trick of the Devil, who is telling you to delay your nikah and not making you worry about incurring major sin on a daily basis.

Waswasa (baseless misgivings)

Ignore any misgivings or doubts, do what is beneficial for your hereafter, and avoid that which is sinful, for Allah’s rights are more deserving to be fulfilled than a need of the family’s. It is a direct command in the Qur’an not to approach zina (Qur’an, 17:32) and although this is not fornication, this is zina of the eyes and tongue, as you are both hanging out like partners, looking, touching, and getting close. Please get yourselves to a local mosque with two witnesses and start living like a married couple who can fulfill each other’s rights. See the conditions here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/minimum-steps-must-taken-marriage-valid/

Move-in with a female

If you are unable to have a nikah soon, I recommend that you move out and find a Muslim girl, even non-Muslim, to live with as soon as possible. This will be much better for you in every way. And if you tell him that you are serious about leaving, he may take doing the nikah more seriously.

May Allah guide you through this and facilitate your every affair and bless you in your future marriage.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying a Decent Christian Woman

Worth of Marriage Advice

Question: I have met at work a Christian woman who has very good character. I avoid dating and I don’t want to marry a Christian. However, after loving her character, I have fallen attracted to her. She may not even be interested to marry me or convert to Islam. I have low self-confidence that I need to fix before marriage. I would like some advice to reduce my attraction because I work a lot with her. Is marriage a solution?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration. You are working closely with an attractive and intelligent woman and you are right to ask what your options are.

Not optimal

The first thing you should know is that marrying a Christian woman is not an optimal idea for you. Because you are speaking solely on the basis of attraction, you don’t even know if she likes Islam and you can imagine how detrimental that could be for your children. Don’t ever take that risk. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad Ahmad]. Walk away before you get extremely attached.

Marry for religion

Rather, marry a girl for her religion which was the strongest advice that the Prophet gave us about marriage, may Allah bless him and give him peace, when he said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim].

A decent man like you, who doesn’t want to date, already fears Allah and you deserve a like-minded girl, who is modest, knows how to pray, and reads the Qur’an. You deserve a girl who will strive with you to make a decent, peaceful family home where Islamic principles are valued and respected. A Muslim wife will honor you according to Islam and raise her children to pray, believe in Allah and His Messenger, and learn His book. Please don’t be swayed and pulled in by this woman’s appeal.

Gender Interaction

Please review the rules of gender interaction below, strive to lower your gaze, and keep your communication formal and cordial if you are able. Fear Allah as much as you can. If you are able, you should immediately ask your family to help you look for a wife:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-gender-interaction/

May Allah bless you in this world and the next and may you marry a perfectly suited Muslim girl for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

The Proprieties of TravelQuestion: Can a wife visit her parents without the permission of her husband? And can a husband stop her from visiting them for no valid reason?

Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question.
The best thing that I can tell you is to read these articles to understand the man’s responsibility towards his family but also must be very careful not to abuse this authority, for he will be taken to account for it:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-cut-everything-life-can/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-a-husband-prevent-his-wife-from-visiting-her-godparents-and-their-children/Her rights

A man may not prevent his wife from visiting her parents as it is obligatory for her to maintain ties of kinship with them. Seeing her parents is also a major part of her being good to them, which is an enormity if ignored. Rather, a man should focus on preventing his family from sins, such as missing obligatory prayers and fasts, backbiting, stealing, cheating, and lying.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-should-i-uphold-my-family-ties/

Leaving the House

I have copied this section from an article by Shaykh Abdurragman Khan from our site:

“Another related point is the narration you mentioned which suggests that if a woman was to leave her home without the permission of her husband, the angels all curse her. As far as the standards of hadith criticism go, this narration is so weak it cannot be relied upon for rulings (al-Targhib wa al-Tarhib, ed, al-Karmi). According to some scholars it is fabricated narration.

Does a woman need the permission of her husband to go out of the house? It depends on the reason. The scholars of Islam have laid down scenarios where the wife would need permission – which some scholars considered to be the husband’s knowledge of it without his objection (Fatḥ al-Bari, Ibn Rajab) – based on some narrations from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). There are various reasons for this, but most return to her safety. The husband is responsible for the safety of his wife, and for her to leave the home with no way of him knowing where she is, or if she is safe, then he has fallen short of his responsibility.

The situations which do allow her to leave the home are well documented in the books of Law, such as if she needed to learn her religion and he was unable to teach her, or if she had a genuine need. Being in constant contact with people all day is a very recent phenomenon, therefore, laws reflect the majority of cases. Also, this is not a right that is used as a whip to subdue someone; rather the spirit of Islam calls for everything to be ‘wrapped in goodness’.
To the modern mind, this may seem strange, but relative safety is not something that has always been around. These matters change from time and place. Twenty years ago, for a parent to leave an eight-year-old in the car while she goes into a supermarket to buy some milk may have been acceptable, but now, in many places, it is not. Therefore, those charged with responsibility for others are also granted the use of certain measures, within reason, to ensure that their function is properly performed. There are other factors too, such as matters which could lead to the detriment of the marriage, so the husband is responsible for ensuring things remain smooth.
But if we go and ask most Muslim women, the chances are that there is no exhaustive list stuck on the fridge, stipulating when she can and cannot leave the house. These are matters which are best dealt with the principle of dealings being ‘wrapped in goodness’ depending on the situation. Having said this, many righteous women do request permission from their husbands as an act of obedience to Allah, so they do not contradict the literal wording of some of the statements of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace)”
Something deeper

It seems to me that if a man is preventing his wife from seeing her parents, there must be a deeper underlying problem that is angering him and they would do well to communicate and compromise. He should never be made to feel neglected or disrespected, while she should never be made to feel oppressed, controlled, or belittled. I pray that you can both resolve this and live together in tranquility, love, respect, and ease.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.