How Can I Get My Husband To Be More Involved With the Children?

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Question: 

How can l get my husband more involved as a father?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Having an involved father is crucial for a child’s development, self-esteem, stability, and security, although some, to this day, still do not realize it.

 

In Front of the Kids

The first thing is first. Do not ask him to be involved with the children in front of them. He may refuse, which will break their hearts, and you should not end up fighting in front of them. It is very important not to fight in front of kids, and many people do not understand this. Take the right first step, and make sure this does not happen. If he starts an argument in front of them, do not respond, and save it for later.

 

Choose His Way

Most fathers want to help and would love to, but you have to figure out his forte. I know several men would not be comfortable revising Qur’an with their children. (For this I always recommend an official Qur’an teacher-paid if necessary)  Instead of giving him ideas, ask him to take the children out for an hour, so you can have a break, and let him do whatever he wants with them. Give him the freedom to choose and make sure to appreciate what he does. Gradually, he will increase and vary the activities with them.

 

Age

You may not realize this now, but fathers gradually spend more time with their children when they get older. When they are born, you may despair that your husband will never do anything, but when they are teenagers, especially if they are boys, you will notice that his role has become bigger than yours, Then, you are just the cook. Balance is always the key with parenting and both should support and help each other all the way through.

 

Please see these excellent tips to get you started and an excellent article and video below as well:

https://www.exchangefamilycenter.org/exchange-family-center-blog/2018/6/21/10-ways-to-be-a-better-dad-get-involved-to-raise-happier-healthier-kids
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/shepherding-our-sons-daughters/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/where-are-the-fathers/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and make your children the coolness of your eyes.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Is It Permissible To Be Alone With the Children’s Nanny?

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Question:
Is it permissible to be alone with the children’s nanny?
Answer:
Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
May Allah, Most High reward you for your desire to increase in knowledge.
A man should never be in seclusion with a strange woman, and a woman should never be alone with a strange man.
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.” [Tirmidhi, al-Sunan]
“No man should be alone with a woman except when there is a Mahram with her.” [Muslim, al-Sahih]
The legal ruling of seclusion is lifted when there is a family member of the woman present, another man is present, or there is a barrier between them. The presence of children does not lift the ruling of seclusion.
It is permissible for you to be in the same house with the nanny as long as you are in different rooms.
[Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]
When there is a need to speak to the nanny, you should do so by phone or while you are in different rooms. Let the nanny know of your preferences so that it becomes an easy process for both of you.
Outwardly, this may seem like something quite difficult and overbearing. However, Islam seeks to prevent all possible harm before it can occur.
Having someone other than the parents look after the children is a big step. Please see:
And Allah alone knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Should I Abort My Illegitimate Child if the Baby’s Father Has Run Away?

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Question:

I am a 23-year-old girl and have been intimate with a man who has been Muslim for two years. I have found out I am pregnant. Once I told him this, he messaged me, “On the Holy Quran I am never having any children with you. I will never be there for you, and the child will never know me.” I really want to keep this baby, but my child will never have a father or family as I will lose them too. What do I do? Will Allah forgive me if I have an abortion?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am so terribly sorry for the pain that you are going through and for finding out that the baby’s father is a flake. The absolute best answer that I can give you is here, please read it fully:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/pregnant-zina-not-want-abortion-want-repent/

 

Abortion

If a woman wants to abort because the child would be illegitimate, and she would not have support, it would not be a valid reason to abort. Please see the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-is-having-an-abortion-permitted/

 

Involve Your Parents

This is a very, very sensitive topic, and your circumstances are very challenging. Despite this, you should communicate the problem to your parents. You absolutely cannot go through this alone. A pregnancy requires all kinds of support and help, and when they get past the shock and emotion, they will actually think things through with you, by the grace of Allah, and help you.

 

Allah’s Mercy

Allah is Merciful and forgives all sins, place your trust in Him and repent sincerely. See the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/living-religion/sincere-repentance-zina/
Please supplicate to Allah to help you navigate this difficult time and apply the tips given above at the link. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Are the Duties Of Family Members Towards Each Other?

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Question: Assalamu ‘alaykum. What are the duties of family members towards each other?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

In general, kind, gracious, forgiving, and beautiful character is what the duties of a Muslim are towards his relatives. This is who relationships thrive, and this is a key aspect of the Sunna of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). Some family members are more deserving than others, such as one’s mother, then the father, etc. There is a balance to be maintained, however.

Some relationships have financial duties too, such as the obligation support one’s wife and children. One must provide for one’s parents if they cannot support themselves. Other family members are entitled to financial support too in certain situations. The details are best studied properly from a fiqh text due to the nature of the rulings and the many scenarios that present themselves. [Maydani, al-Lubab]

Course On Prophetic Excellence

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/living-right-halal-and-haram-and-living-prophetic-excellence-hanafi/

May Allah bless us with the character that allows us to make our relationships thrive. Amin.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

How Do I Go About Marrying My Partner With Whom I Have Three Children?

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Question: I have been in cohabitation with three children, and I want to marry my partner. What is the Islamic ruling?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am delighted to see that you want to make your relationship permissible. I pray that Allah makes this easy and that you can be a good role model for your children in family affairs and in their religion.

 

A Valid Nikah

You have not mentioned whether you are male or female. If you are male and your partner is Muslim, Christian, or Jewish, you should go to a local imam and conduct a nikah with two witnesses. Your children can be present if you wish. Please do ask your wife to consider learning and converting to Islam. If she is of neither of those religions, then I am afraid that a nikah with her will not be valid until she converts to Islam.

If you are a female Muslim, your partner must convert to Islam first, and then you can have a nikah conducted by your local imam and two witnesses. It would be highly recommended to have your father present as your guardian.

 

Repent, Learn, and Change

Please note that once your marriage has taken place, you should repent for the illicit relationship and be determined never to repeat such behavior. Ask Allah to protect your children from being in such a relationship as well. Please be sure to take a course on marriage to learn about your rights and responsibilities and a course on raising children with an Islamic upbringing.

Please see:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-tawba-repentance/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/istikhara-prayer-for-marriage/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/doubts-about-marriage/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/do-women-need-to-be-financially-independent-before-marriage/

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/40-hadiths-on-successful-marriage/

I pray that you can live as a happy family, devoted to each other and to Allah and His Messenger, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and strive to learn and apply all that you can in Islam. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Is the Difference Between Discernment and Puberty?

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Question: What is the difference between the age of discernment and puberty?
Answer:
Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
Discernment (tamyiz) would be the child’s ability to understand right from wrong. The older a child grows, the more discernment he/she obtains.
Puberty (bulugh) would be the child’s reaching an age where they are now legally responsible (mukallaf) before Allah, Most High, to perform obligations and refrain from prohibitions.
Yes, it is possible for a child to have a degree of discernment before reaching puberty. However, they still would not be considered legally responsible (mukallaf) until they reach puberty.
A child who has not reached puberty is not permitted to lead in any action which has the condition of puberty, such as leading prayer.
They may perform any action which does not contain that condition, such as giving the call to prayer.
And Allah alone knows best.
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Can a Dead Fetus Be Buried Along With Its Mother?

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Question: Can a dead fetus be buried along with its mother?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

Yes, when a woman dies while pregnant and a fetus dies inside her, they do not have to be buried separately.

If, however, the woman dies and the fetus is still alive, the baby must be aborted. If then the baby is born by a cesarean section from the dead mother, shows signs of life, and then dies, it must be washed and prayed over, and it also must be shrouded and have its own burial. (Bushra al-Karim, Ba-Ishn)

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

 

Can I Wear Make-Up Even If My Husband Tells Me Not To?

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Question: I have been married for six years and have two young children. My husband is too controlling and has called me a prostitute and a disobedient wife for wearing light makeup. He forbids me from wearing makeup, just light enough to cover blemishes, in public and at home. His brother and his wife have also spied on me with makeup and have constantly harassed me. Light makeup improves my self-esteem and confidence. I am not allowed to post pictures of myself online neither. I feel suffocated and depressed.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you disagree with your husband, and I pray that you can both come up with some compromise with mutual respect and understanding.

 

Make-Up

My advice to you is to stop applying make-up and listen to your husband for the sake of your marriage. Allah will reward you tremendously for this and improve your relationship. There is nothing more important than that. Please see these links about the rulings:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/guidelines-for-using-makeup/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/islamic-belief/is-it-disbelief-to-not-give-up-wearing-makeup-in-public/

 

Improve Your Skin

All this being said, I recommend that you spend your husband’s money on skincare products and work on making your skin healthier. There are many oils and creams out there that contain Vitamin E, Vitamin C, or aloe vera gel that will help your scars disappear over time. Clogging the skin with make-up might just exasperate the issue. Also, consider beautifying yourself with other ways around the house. Spend your money on beautiful clothes to wear at home instead, jewelry and perfume for home.

 

Communication

Communicate with your husband that you will try to listen to him, but ask him to be kind and loving and to give you confidence. Try to understand him and where he is coming from. Try to compromise about wearing make-up at home once a week, but do so tactfully. If he does not budge, listen to him and judge whether you should bother bringing it up with him again later. Generally speaking, if he is not letting you post pictures of yourself online, it is not worth fighting over. See these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/can-i-post-my-pictures-on-social-media-while-wearing-correct-hijab/

 

In-Laws

As for your brother-in-law and his wife, you should tell them to stay out of your matters, and your husband should defend you in this. No one has a right to harass you when you are already dealing with your husband about it. Please take this course to understand your rights and responsibilities within the spirit of an Islamic Marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next, make your home a loving sanctuary and make you a garment for him, and him a garment for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Naming a Daughter Paradise

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Question: Is it okay to name one’s daughter one of the names of Paradise?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

It is permissible to name one’s daughter Jennah, Firdaws, or Illiyyin, or any other name of Paradise. These are all beautiful names.

However, the Early Muslims did not use these names, and it would be better to use a name like Fatima, Khadija, or Maryam, or any other righteous women of the past.

Please also see:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/is-it-permissible-to-name-ones-daughter-barakah/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/it-is-permissible-to-name-a-child-jalal/

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Choice of Schooling For My Child

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Question: Where I live, I have a number of schools that I could send my young child to: an Islamic school, a public school and a Catholic school. I could even do homeschooling. Which should I choose?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

I completely understand your predicament. Many Muslims in the West face this same issue.

You really just have to rule out that which is unquestionably haram, weigh up the pros and cons, ask others who have done the same thing, and be an active part of your children’s lives.

Allowing one’s children to be active in religious activities of other religions is categorically forbidden, and therefore untenable. This does not completely rule out Christian or Jewish faith schools, however, since it is possible to avoid these things with the cooperation of parents and staff.

Another error would be to look solely at the expected academic results, be it in Math, English, or even memorizing the Qur’an. The priority is education (leading children down a good path). In our paradigm that is a holistic path that includes the Next Life, love of Allah and the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), morals, social skills, academic achievements, and ultimately to be able to function proactively in this world as a religious Muslim. Being the winning the spelling bee, or being a hafidh for that matter, does not necessarily mean you fit this paradigm.

The default would of course be to send our children to Islamic schools. But some Islamic schools are far from ideal, and other faith schools are sometimes safer. Some parents have also found homeschooling a possible third option. But it does have its pros and cons.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/deal-free-mixing-public-schools/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/knowledge/10-successful-strategies-for-raising-children/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/the-powerful-dua-of-a-parent-2/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/advice-about-high-school/

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language