How do I count my ‘Idda (waiting period), if my menstruation is irregular due to acute stress?

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Question Summary

How do I count my ‘Idda (waiting period) if my menstruation is irregular due to acute stress?

Question Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

The unique situation which you’ve described is known as ‘the issue of the elongated purity.’ This is when a woman who previously had a normal menstrual cycle than her period ceases before she reaches the age of menopause without any known cause.

The Hanafi School

In the Hanafi school, a woman in the above circumstance cannot count her ‘Idda and therefore must wait till menopause (55 years of age) and then count her ‘Idda as three months. [Maydani, al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab]

Due to the great difficulty in applying the Hanafi opinion and the undue harm that will necessarily result therefrom, scholars legally advise taking the Maliki opinion in this regard.

The Maliki School

In the Maliki school, such a woman will count her ‘Idda as one full lunar year. 9 months of the year is to make certain that the woman is not pregnant, and the additional 3 months is the official ‘Idda.

The above is the position of Dar al-Ifta al-Masriyya

Taking From Another School of Thought

Generally, it is encouraged for people to stick to one school of thought. It is, however, permitted to take from another school if not doing so would result in undue harm/difficulty.

See the following links for more clarity on this issue:

A Reader on Following Schools of Thought – Madhabs
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-following-schools-of-thought-madhabs/

Hope this helps
Allah knows best
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he then completed four years at the Darul Uloom seminary in New York, where he studied Arabic and the traditional sciences. He then traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he stayed for three years studying in Dar Al-Mustafa under some of the greatest scholars of our time, including Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Kadhim al-Saqqaf, and Shaykh Umar al-Khatib. In Tarim, Shaykh Yusuf completed the memorization of the Qur’an and studied beliefs, legal methodology, hadith methodology, Qur’anic exegesis, Islamic history, and several texts on spirituality. He joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.

I Am a Maliki and My Father Was Not Physically Present When I Remarried My Ex-Husband. Was My Nikah Valid?

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Question:

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

I am of Moroccan descent and Maliki by madhhab. I re-married my husband (Pakistani and Hanafi) after a talaq ba’in, without my dad being present, although we called him during the nikah to confirm consent. Is our nikah valid?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

The Father’s Presence at a Nikah is Not Needed

Yes, you are free to marry whoever you want, and your father’s physical presence is not a condition in the Hanafi school. The Father’s approval is important if the groom is not suitable for the lady, but that is not the case.

If all the conditions of the nikah were present, then it is a valid marriage, provided he didn’t divorce you with a triple divorce. Your school of Fiqh does not affect the situation. (Maydani, al Lubab)

May Allah bless you in your marriage. Please take this free course with your husband. It may be the means for many blessings to come into your life.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History, he moved to Damascus in 2007, where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital. He was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

Is a Civil Marriage a Considered to be a Nikah?

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Question:

As-salaam Alaykum.  I got married under English law but have not done the nikah; is this still recognized in Islam?

The reason I ask this is that he became abusive, and I want to get a divorce. I can push through a legal divorce; however, he states that as we are also married in the eyes of Islam, due to us having the intention to get married in front of two witnesses, we are also married Islamically, and he refuses to divorce me Islamically.

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

The Conditions of a Nikah

Your civil marriage could have been a valid nikah, depending on the way the ceremony was conducted. A nikah has an offer and an acceptance which are to be made in the presence of two male – or one male and two female – witnesses. (Mawsili, al-Mukhtar)

There are a few details which also need to be present. It would be best to discuss the ceremony with a reliable local scholar to get his feedback.

A Civil Divorce is Also a Shar’i Divorce

If you pursue a divorce through the courts, your husband will eventually sign a document that gives his clear consent for the court to issue a divorce. In essence, he would be tasking the court to issue a divorce on his behalf, and the signing of this would entail a divorce in the Shari’a. (Ibn ‘Abidin, Radd al Muhtar)

As I said, it is best to consult with a local scholar on this issue. This is very important to ensure things are done validly: ”Ask those of the Remembrance if you do not know.” (Qur’an, 16:43)

May Allah facilitate all matters for you.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History, he moved to Damascus in 2007, where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital. He was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

Does saying to one’s wife, ‘you are perfectly wrong for me’ count as a divorce if one did not mean what they said?

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Question Summary

Does saying to one’s wife, ‘you are perfectly wrong for me’ count as a divorce if one did not mean what they said?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

None of what you mentioned counts as a divorce. The words ‘you are perfectly wrong for me’ do not count as a divorce.

Divorce only occurs when one says one of two types of expressions.

(1) Explicit words whose meaning is only used for divorce, such as ‘you are divorced.‘ [Quduri, al-Mukhtasar]

(2) Indirect expressions that entail the meaning of divorce and other possible meanings; such expressions are not considered divorce unless one intended divorce when saying them or the situation indicates that one intended divorce. [Quduri, al-Mukhtasar]

Your singing to your wife the above words does not meet either of the above expressions.

Hope this helps
Allah knows best
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he then completed four years at the Darul Uloom seminary in New York, where he studied Arabic and the traditional sciences. He then traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he stayed for three years studying in Dar Al-Mustafa under some of the greatest scholars of our time, including Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Kadhim al-Saqqaf, and Shaykh Umar al-Khatib. In Tarim, Shaykh Yusuf completed the memorization of the Qur’an and studied beliefs, legal methodology, hadith methodology, Qur’anic exegesis, Islamic history, and several texts on spirituality. He joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.

My wife gave me three divorces

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Question: I had married for love 7 years ago even though my family was against it. From the beginning, we had friction, but our relationship weathered the storms. Recently over a petty argument, my wife said she wishes to divorce me and said talaq 3 times at one go on Whatsapp. I would like to know if my marriage to her is still valid. Also, she’s a non-practicing Muslim and, despite all my efforts, refuses to pray. Is there a way to convince her? I can’t leave her as we have a young child and are too attached to live without her.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with your wife. I pray that you can reconcile with her for your daughter’s sake.

A valid divorce?

Your wife telling you that she has divorced you three times is not valid. Your marriage is still intact.

Non-practicing wife

It truly is heartbreaking to have a wife that does not pray or practice the religion. The best way to convince her is to gently encourage her and show her the fruits of your own Islamic practice. Try to find other young religious families that might spend time with you, your wife, and your daughter. Be the best Muslim that you can be, and guide your daughter to the same path. Ask Allah daily at tahajjud time to help improve your wife’s situation; by the grace of Allah, she will come around.

The most important thing that you can do is reconnect with her and bond with her. Once your bond is strong, religion will come; be patient. Be the best husband that you can be: help around the house, help with your daughter, be generous to them, take them out or go on holidays, spend quiet time together, read the Qur’an and pray in front of your daughter. Be kind to her parents.

Please see these links for more information:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/passionate-islam-wife-not/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/divorce-someone-stopped-practicing-islam/#

May Allah reward you for staying with your wife and trying to work everything out.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

I Divorced My Wife Whist Affected by Severe Mental Health Issues. Does It Count?

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Question:
Assalamu ‘alaykum.

I want to ask a question regarding the pronouncement of divorce in the midst of mental health issues. I was enrolled in graduate school but suffered from severe anxiety and intrusive obsessive-compulsive thoughts that I was dismissed because I couldn’t focus enough to study.

I began suffering from depression, anger towards Allah – astaghfirullah – and even stopped praying for days at a time. I became angry and prone to disproportionately violent outbursts over minor issues, assuming malicious intent behind the smallest errors against me.

I heard my family members discussing with my wife that they were worried about me and wondering if I should pursue professional mental health treatment; I exploded in anger and said two divorce pronouncements and barely stopped myself from the third. I even went so far as to get into physical altercations with family members and took to often punching walls or objects out of anger during that day and around those months.

Did those two divorces occur?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Divorce In Extreme Anger With Mental Health Issues

No, the divorces did not come into effect. The combination of severe anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, bouts of anger all contributed to you not having complete control of your rational faculties.

Usually, when people get angry normally, the anger builds by degrees, retaining some degree of control over their actions. When there is dis-regulation in mental health, one can go from being calm to extreme anger quickly. This explains the violent outbursts too. Therefore, the divorces will not come into effect. (Ibn ‘Abidin, Radd al Muhtar)

Seek Healing Through Medicine and Learning

By the grace of Allah, you seem to have improved a great deal. Seek help with professionals and keep asking Allah for wellbeing.

The remedy to the anger you felt towards Allah is a deep understanding of the wisdom of trials and tribulations. Sometimes, things go smoothly, and that is a blessing that we should be grateful for. At other times, the road is bumpy. These bumps, despite being unpleasant, are for our ultimate benefit.

The First Life Vs. The Afterlife

Everyone’s situation is different, but we all have two lives to live. One feels real and is at the forefront of our minds. This life. The other is everlasting and infinitely superior. It may be that the difficulty here will grant you something indescribable there – forever.

Suppose we lose sight of the Afterlife; the pain and loss in this life can hit harder than they should. Someone whose tire goes flat on the motorway might get upset at this setback. The cost, delay, inconvenience, and effort needed to change it; may frustrate him.

However, if he has a beautiful destination, he is headed to, looking forward to the blue seas and the warm sand can ease the frustrations. So what if the flat tire saved him from being in a fatal accident? Or whilst changing tire, he meets someone who gives him a better hotel room or some other benefit?

In that case, the flat tire actually turns out to be a blessing! This is how the tests of this life are. They all bring gifts. Some you see now, and others you see later.

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ”[I am] amazed by the affair of the believer! Allah does not decree anything for him except that it’s the best for him.” (Ahmad)

Please listen to this seminar for more perspective.

May Allah grant you the best of both worlds.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History, he moved to Damascus in 2007, where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital. He was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

How Long Is It Permissible To Date a Person Before the Nikah?

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Question: How Long Is It Permissible To Date a Person Before the Nikah?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.

Dating

According to the western definition, dating means one is actively going out alone with a person of the opposite gender and spending time with them regularly in hopes of finding a committed relationship. This type of dating is not permissible, as one is getting close to a non-mahram in the wrong way beyond the scope of the shari`ah. See the details below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/limits-of-relationship-between-males-and-females/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/why-islam-does-not-allow-boyfriends-and-girlfriends/

Getting to know someone before marriage

A person may get to know their prospective spouse as much as they need to before a nikah. They should speak, look at one another’s face and hands, ask questions and get to know their family. This should be done with supervision if they meet in person, and they should not be going out alone together. They may speak on the phone as well, but they should not overdo it, as it doesn’t take long to realize when someone is wrong for you, and one usually can tell the difference between getting to know someone to decide for marriage and simply hanging out.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-a-man-to-look-at-the-shape-of-his-potential-spouses-body/

Nikah

Once a couple has decided to marry, they should hasten their nikah and avoid long engagements, as this comes with too much temptation and the possibility of problems arising. Please see the resources below:

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophet-muhammad/four-keys-to-the-most-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/is-physical-intimacy-allowed-if-you-are-engaged/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 

How can I seek a divorce?

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Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
May Allah, Most High, draw you close to him.
Marriage
Marriage is a journey full of ups and downs. When a spouse or couple finds themselves not satisfied in marriage, they should immediately seek help to solve the marital problem.
Seeking help in a difficult relationship is either through confronting one’s spouse, seeking arbitration through family, or going to marital therapy.
No matter how difficult the marital problem is, it does not allow one spouse to have an extramarital affair. Adultery is an egregious transgression against Allah, Most High, and one’s spouse. You should immediately repent to Allah, Most High, from these actions and make a strong intention to never return to it.
Know that Allah, Most High, forgives all sins and descends his mercy upon all those who seek it. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“The one who repents from a sin is like one who did not sin.”
(Ibn Maja’, al-Sunan)
 If one is already divorced, then, of course, they may pursue marriage with another person.
Seeking Divorce
As for seeking a divorce in this situation, you should first try to save your marriage through the aforementioned methods.
If you cannot save your marriage, you should express your desire for a divorce to your husband. Your intention should be that the divorce is amicable for the sake of the children.
If your husband is unwilling to give you a divorce, please read the following answer for more information.
And Allah alone knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

How Do I Deal With the Misery of a Husband Who Threatens Divorce All the Time?

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Question:

My husband spends weeks and months not talking to me, insulting me, leaving the room when I enter and locking himself in his room. He says it is my fault, that I do not speak with him and that I treat him horribly. I have tried for seven years to change and to please him but to no avail. When he decides to forgive me, he is his charming self again for a while. Then I displease him again, and the circle starts over. He threatens divorce all the time but never does it. Is there a way out?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Dear sister, it seems to me that you are living in a cycle of emotional abuse, while your husband is not behaving like a man. Locking oneself in a room and giving you the silent treatment is a swinging pendulum from acting like a child with a tantrum to acting like a criminal.

 

Repair First

You say that you have tried to change for his pleasure, but it seems to me that he has a mental illness. It sounds like narcissism or something worse. Either way, because your husband never learned to grow up, it will be very difficult for him to change, and he needs to change, too, not just you.

You should take all the steps toward rectifying a marriage, first:

– Please read these books, and take a free course on marriage right here at Seekers. Try all the tips, and give it time. Also, consider a marriage counselor that can help you both communicate and hear each other.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/keys-to-successful-muslim-marriages-practical-lessons-that-explain-the-prophetic-spirit-of-marriage/

 

Ask Allah

Turn to Allah to guide you and help you through every step with the Istikhara prayer and the Prayer of Need. Be the best Muslim that you can be, and do not miss any prayers. Read Qur’an every day with the meaning, and sincerely ask Allah to help you accomplish your obligations and to be the kind of wife that your Lord wants you to be. Ask Allah to send you help for your husband or something that will wake him up.

 

Last Resort

Do you have children? If you do not, or even if you do and have exhausted all the steps above, I recommend that you consider your final option, going separate ways. It may or may not be a good idea, but you must pray your own istikhara and communicate to him what you are feeling. Perhaps just a conversation about it will give him a reality check, and he will start treating you better. Do not hesitate to discuss the problem with family, close friends, or an imam that can advise you.

Remember, as Allah tells us in Holy Book, “So, surely with hardship comes ease. Surely with hardship comes ease.” [Qur’an, 94:5,6] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate all your matters for you.

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you. 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Did I Divorce My Future Wife?

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Question:

If somebody says “Whenever I marry someone she will be divorced on me after that.” What will happen? Can he marry someone or not?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

 

Words Have Consequences

Unfortunately, this is a very difficult scenario. Words have legal consequences, and this situation is an extreme example of it. The statement above is a conditional divorce that comes into effect when a marriage takes place.

The word “whenever” applies to every instance. This means that whenever someone who has said such a statement marries a divorce will take place immediately. Even if he was to marry her again, the divorce will take place. [Marghinani, al-Hidaya]

This is a rare situation, but it highlights the importance of consulting with scholars before taking big steps in life.

 

A Loophole

There are rulings in the Shari’a the offer solutions to certain problems. Thankfully, one does exist for this situation.

A ‘fuduli’ is a third party that conducts a marriage between two people without their express command. He does so of his own accord, and both of the spouses have to give their permission for the marriage to actually come into effect. This can be done, in your case, by giving the lady her mahr without actually verbally agreeing. That will ensure the marriage has taken place without the conditional divorce coming into effect, as the third party married you to her, not yourself.

Practically, this might take some planning to pull off. You would have to tell the prospective to bring of the situation and the solution. After that, you would have to tell someone about your situation without actually telling or requesting from him or them to marry you to her. Maybe you can show this answer and said, “If someone was to arrange a marriage for me with her I would most likely accept.“

A direct request to get you married to her would be akin to you yourself marrying her. Once this kind-hearted person has performed the contract and informed you, you should send the mahr he agrees with her on your behalf to her. After that, you are married, and you should be very careful about which words you utter from then on. [al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya]

Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.

May Allah facilitate matters for you.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.