I Waited Four Years to Be Married to the Man I Love. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am in love with a man who proposed to me four years ago. He said he would marry me soon, but it has been four years. Now he said he cannot marry me due to job and family restrictions. What should I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah make a way out for you and bless you with a righteous and loving husband.

Marriage

Narrated `Abdullah: We were with the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.” [Sahih Bukhari]

It sounds like this young man has made it clear – he does not want to marry you. I am so sorry that he broke his promise and your heart. May Allah ease your sorrow. Grieve your loss, then focus on moving on.

Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to remove him from your heart, and to send you the best husband for you.

Marriage is a huge blessing and a protection for you. Being in a pre-marital relationship puts you at risk of committing sinful acts.

Hope

Dear sister, trust in the Mercy and Generosity of Allah. As unimaginable as it is for you to consider marrying someone else, have hope that you will heal and love again.

Please complete this Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life to help you learn the spirit and law behind marriage in Islam. InshaAllah, this course will empower you with knowledge and help you move forward. You will know what to do differently, the next time you are considering someone for marriage.

When you are ready, please speak to your family and trusted close friends, and ask them to help you find a suitable husband. Be clear and respectful when you speak to your parents about what you are looking for in a husband. Start the conversation, if you haven’t already, about wanting to get married. They may have different expectations for you, as many parents do, so try your best to be on the same page. Your parents love you, and want what is best for you. It is best to keep them involved in your marriage process instead of going it alone and getting your heart broken.

Please refer to the following links:

Marriage in Islam: A Reader
What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Gianni Dominici

Can a Muslim Boy Meet a Non-Muslim Girl in a Public Place, Unchaperoned, to Discuss Her Interest in Marriage?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Given the current Western society, if a Muslim boy were to meet a non-Muslim girl in a public space to discuss marriage and to gauge her interest in Islam, does she need to be chaperoned? She might not be comfortable with it.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you clarity in this matter, and reward you for seeking out an answer which is pleasing to Him.

Marriage

Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” [Sahih Bukhari]

Honesty with oneself is critical in matters of the heart. Is this a case of falling in love with a non-Muslim, and then hoping she will convert? Or is this a case of someone who is genuinely interested in Islam?

If she is interested in Islam, then part of nurturing that interest is helping her befriend a trusted Muslim sister. If feelings between the young man and young woman are already there, then it is even more important for a trusted Muslim sister to step in and assist.

Any Muslim looking to get married must know the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life is an extremely beneficial course. This course will help increase understanding about how to choose a suitable spouse, permissible ways of getting to know one another, and so on.

Meetings

It is unwise to begin the habit of unchaperoned meetings between a young Muslim man and a young non-Muslim woman. Shaytan is ever-present. This scenario has played out so many times, to so many young people. It often leads to sin, heartbreak, and nobody is closer to Islam.

It would be more appropriate for a Muslim woman to get to know her and ask her if Islam is something she is willing to explore. If she is serious, then introduce her to women who can encourage her to good. Ensure she receives authentic Islamic knowledge from traditional scholars, such as those on SeekersHub.

Once she embraces Islam, then give her time to make good her deen. Changing religions is already a very big adjustment, and the first year of marriage contains many ups and downs. This is why it is so important to remain emotionally unattached. If feelings are already present, then it is important to let go and give things time to run their course. If Allah has written marriage for them, then it will happen.

Comfort

Implementing Islam in our lives is not always comfortable. The Shari’ah is there to protect us from ourselves. It is designed to reduce harm, and to increase good, in both worlds. Remember that Allah is not in need of us, but we are constantly in need of Him.

Please refer to the following links:
Marriage in Islam: A Reader
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Matt Krause