How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?

Question: 

How should I handle abusive parents?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long-run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.

 

Resources

First, the best thing I can advise for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers,
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/

 

Excellence Towards Parents

It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence to your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellence. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.

 

Communicate

As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually and communicate. Explain to them that you need to study or work, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are hurting your feelings and that you need some positivity from them. If you feel that you cannot tell them, write a letter to them and have them read it. Remember that the degradation of a child never was and never will be the Prophetic way, and many Eastern parents need to learn this.

 

Temporary

It sounds like you are coming to the age of independence and want to make your own decisions, while your parents want to hold on to you as though you are a child. Rest assured that you will move out one day and marry, perhaps sooner than you think, and things will get easier, in sha Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children. Just be sure not to repeat the cycle of emotional abuse when you have your own children.

 

Steps

-Turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness and guidance to a solution. He will surely come to your aid.
-Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and pinpoint what is bothering you and what you need.
-Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you.
-Exercise, take your supplements and get very fresh air every day. Do not ever let your physical health suffer.

 

Patience

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.

When Is a Child Ascribed to the Father in Islam?

Question:

If a woman gets pregnant out of wedlock and then marries the biological father less than 6 months before the delivery of the baby, is the baby deemed the child of the father?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

No, if the child is conceived out of wedlock and then the marriage happens in less than six lunar months from the time of delivery, the child will be Islamically fatherless. It would not be permissible for the man to claim the child as his. [al-Iqna’, al-Shirbini al-Khatib]

To give an illustration, a man and a woman are in a long-standing relationship, and the woman gets pregnant. Four months into the pregnancy, she informs him, and they decide to get married. The child is born 5 months later. The child will not be considered his child.

The questioner specifically asked about certain dates. January 1st 2020, was 6th Jumada Al-Awwal, 1441. Six lunar months later was 7th Dhul Qadah, 1441, which was  June 27th, 2020. This means that the child cannot Islamically be ascribed to the husband of the child’s mother. The child is however a mahram of the husband of the child’s mother.

This would not apply if the child was initially conceived out of wedlock and then the two married, and the child was born six months after the two got Islamically married and had intercourse. This is because of the theoretical possibility of the child being the product of the marriage and the subsequent intercourse. If the child is born less than six lunar months from that time, there is no possibility that the child is Islamically his. [al-Iqna’, al-Shirbini al-Khatib]

The mother’s husband who is the biological father of the child should still support the mother and child and be a paternal figure. However, it should be clear to the child that his biological father is not the father in Allah’s eyes, and he is merely a step-father.

This is keeping with the words of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), “The child shall be ascribed to the mother (lit. the bed) and the fornicator gets the stone!” [Muslim]

Repentance and reparation are always possible. Just because the relationship starting with sin, and just because the child is fatherless, does not mean that the baraka of a new and strong Islamic trajectory cannot mend everything.

“O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” [Qur’an, 39: 53]

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

How Do I Deal With My Toxic Parents Who Give Me Constant Stress?

Question:

I am an 18-year-old girl, who has been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused due to my toxic and overcontrolling parents since I was six. They often play the Muslim parent card, and I find it hard to communicate with them as I fear talking to my dad, and my mom tries to brainwash me with her emotions. It has been tough for me to focus on my studies and other things. I am often forced to do anything they please, and I recently lost my patience to deal with them.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.

 

Resources

The best thing I can tell you for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers, first:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/#
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/

 

Excellence towards Parents

It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence towards your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellent. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.

 

Harm

As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually. Explain to them that you need to study, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are asking too much of you and that you need a bit more free time. Perhaps you can discuss their expectations of you and write them down, so it is clear and agreed upon.

 

Patience

Your age is the most difficult age when it comes to dealing with parents. You are coming to the age of independence and making your own decisions, while your parents have to learn to start letting go of their little girl. Rest assured that you will move out one day, and marry, maybe sooner than later, and things will get easier, by the grace of Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children.

 

Turn to Allah

In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslimah that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness. He will surely come to your aid.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation.

Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you. 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Am I Sinful For Always Making Mistakes That Displease My Parents?

Question:  I have been making my parents displeased with me since I was little. I used to be very rude. Was that a sin? I always seem to get on their nerves. I have tried to do things right, but I figured I will always get things wrong. I stopped making a concerted effort to make them happy. Is that a sin? I have tried again, but I keep on getting things wrong. When I get some things right,  I get other things wrong. I have a reputation for this now, can I change?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time, but I urge you not to give up on yourself. The devil has a way of dissuading a person from good, don’t let him.

 

Mistakes

People are not born perfect, and we make mistakes all the time. I, personally, make mistakes every day of my life. Everything that I do, I most certainly could do better. I do not want you to think about your mistakes, but I want you to be grateful to Allah for everything that you have, and I do not want you to feel guilty. Listen to this for more details:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9tzjqtSYvA

 

Intentions

Your intention is what matters. If your intention is to please Allah and your parents in everything that you do and if you take a little longer to learn to do things than others do, your reward will be commensurate with your efforts.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, Allah does not look at your forms or your wealth, rather He looks at your deeds and your hearts.” [Ibn Majah] Please take this hadith to heart and know that Allah is only interested in your sincerity and not how nimble you are.

 

Sin

It is not sinful to “stop trying“ or “to put less effort“ in what you do, but it is sinful to despair in Allah’s mercy. Believe in yourself, do not tire of good works, and leave the rest up to Allah. Please see this excellent answer for more details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/everything-going-wrong-life/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Am I Right for Cutting Off My Sister’s Family?

Question: My family and I are Muslims alhamdulillah. My younger sister got involved with a non-Muslim man and married him in the US courts. My parents accepted it, but I refused this and tried to convince her otherwise. I asked scholars for their advice on the situation in the beginning, but nothing has worked. It has been 10 years now, and I refuse to talk to her spouse and children, but I do check up on her. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain and suffering regarding your sister. What is clear is that your sister has not listened to you and has moved on with her life. Now it is up to you to do the right thing.

 

Cutting Off Family

I am relieved to hear that you have not cut her off completely and that you are in touch with her. It would have been impermissible to cut her off in any case. Islam encourages maintaining ties of kinship even when that person lives in sin because does not encourage hating the individual but rather hating the action.

 

Dealing with Family Members Who Sin

The best answer you can read about keeping in touch with family members who are sinning is here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-i-maintain-ties-with-family-who-openly-sin-or-shun-them

 

Cutting Off Her Children

Please keep in mind that her children are innocent, and they have nothing to do with their parent’s choice. They are your sister’s children, and honestly, it disgusts me that you do not have a relationship with them. They did not ask to be brought into this world. You are a living Muslim member of their family, and they have basic rights over you.

It is never too late to start a relationship now, and it is well worth it. Do you not want them to have an Islamic perspective in their lives? Do you not you want them to come to you for Islamic advice or learn their deen? You are a powerless person because right now. In other words, you are no one to them, hence you have zero influence.

 

Cutting Off Her Husband

As for the husband, he is not your mahram anyway, so you only need to be cordial and respectfully distant from him. Your goal in life should not be to alienate him but to show him Islam and make him learn to love it so that he converts and their marriage will be halal. Is that not all you ever wanted? So why not contribute something to the solution? I believe your behavior has alienated him and turned him off from Islam, and I highly discourage it.

Please see these links as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-son-married-a-non-muslim/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage-and-divorce/i-have-a-kid-with-a-non-muslim-man-can-i-marry-him/
https://seekersguidance.org/tag/marrying-a-non-muslim/

May Allah facilitate this matter for you and rectify your relationship with your sister, and may she rectify her affairs as well. May Allah reward you all and send you every good.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?

Question:  I am really in love with a kind-hearted, pious gentleman whom my parents are not accepting. His parents are divorced and remarried to other partners, and he is not wealthy. What should I do?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this pain and frustration with your parents. It is never easy to convince your parents when they feel they know what is best for you. I pray that you come to a compromise.

 

Two options

Your options are very simple but difficult. You might wind up hurting someone either way. Your first option is to persist with your parents, even if it takes time. You will have to be patient, kind, maintain good etiquette and character, and pray every step of the way. Ask Allah to facilitate the matter for you and let them get to know the man. You may face rejection, but at least you tried instead of wondering if you tried hard enough.

Your second option is to trust your parents, walk away, and not look back. Moving on will be difficult, but possible, and every day is easier than the last. Know that marriage is an institution that you enter into for the sake of Allah, and it should be easy and blessed from beginning to end. If you are already facing the obstacle of consent, without which you cannot marry, then perhaps you should reconsider the whole thing.

 

The reality of financial constraints

I want to mention that numerous couples that I know have split due to financial problems, so it seems to me that your parents are protecting you from a very big problem in the future that they foresee, but you do not. Living in a situation where there never seems to be enough money for school fees, groceries, and good quality items or services takes a huge toll on health, spirituality, and marriage. Your parents genuinely understand this, so try to see it from their perspective.

Can your suitor go back to school, or can he change his career, or get more training? Can he get higher education in order to better support you? Please consider these options.

 

Istikhara

Before deciding whether to pursue or not, pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara) about what to do. Also, pray the Prayer of Need:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-does-one-perform-the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-haja/

 

Prepare yourself

It is very easy to get married but not easy to be a good wife. My advice to all single Muslims, such as yourself, is to take a free course at Seekers on Islamic Marriage so that you can learn your rights and responsibilities and act accordingly. Preparing oneself for marriage is the greatest thing that you can give your spouse, and I hope that Allah sends you what is best for you and that you place your trust in Him.

May Allah give you tawfiq, ease, and happiness in your marriage process, with whomever it may be. Please see this course:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Responsibility of the Milk Mother

Question: I nursed a friend’s child for about a month while she worked. Her mother was nursing and had to work and she refused the formula, so she told me to go ahead and nurse her. Years passed and her mother asked me to be sure I nursed her daughter enough times to make me her milk mother. I assured her I had. It seems she did not wish me to be her milk mother and she resented me for it even though she instructed it. We later had a falling out and she has not spoken to me since. What is my responsibility to my milk daughter and her mother?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, as you had not done anything wrong. I pray that you can reconcile with her, not just because of your milk-daughter, but because she is your sister in Islam.

Responsibility

As for your relationship with your milk-daughter, she is like your daughter, and your sons are like her brothers. Your husband and your father are her mahrams. There is no financial responsibility upon you toward her, but rather, the basis of your relationship is love, respect, and honour. See the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-you-tell-me-about-the-role-one-takes-as-a-babys-milk-father/

Generally speaking, it is always worthwhile to try and get along with people even if they have been unjust or have wronged you. While you mustn’t allow someone to disrespect you, you can tell her that you are not comfortable with this silence between you and that you would like to reconcile. If she refuses, at least there is no sin upon you. If she demands an apology, you could apologize once, for the sake of Allah.

This du`a will benefit you in sha Allah:

اللَّهُمَّ أَلِّفْ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِنَا وَأَصْلِحْ ذَاتَ بَيْنِنَا وَاهْدِنَا سُبُلَ السَّلاَمِ وَنَجِّنَا مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ وَجَنِّبْنَا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ وَبَارِكْ لَنَا فِي أَسْمَاعِنَا وَأَبْصَارِنَا وَقُلُوبِنَا وَأَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ وَاجْعَلْنَا شَاكِرِينَ لِنِعْمَتِكَ مُثْنِينَ بِهَا قَابِلِيهَا وَأَتِمَّهَا عَلَيْنَا

“O Allah, join our hearts, mend our social relationship, guide us to the path of peace, bring us from darkness to light, save us from obscenities, outward or inward, and bless our ears, our eyes, our hearts, our wives, our children, and relent toward us; Thou art the Relenting, the Merciful. And make us grateful for Thy blessing and make us praise it while accepting it and give it to us in full.”

May Allah reward you for your sincerity and for doing the right thing.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I was born and raised in UAE and lived there for 14 years with my family and then we shifted back to Pakistan. Now that I am 18, my family is planning to shift back to the UAE. I have been in a relationship for 3 years here and when I told him about us shifting, he proposed a nikah so that our relationship would be accepted and halal. I want this, too, but how do I talk to my parents as they won’t let me marry at 18 years old.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I commend you for willing to make your relationship halal and for wanting to step out of the sin that you are currently committing. May Allah reward you for your intention and open a way for what is best for you.

Talking to parents

There really is no way around it. You will have to speak to your parents and tell them that you have found someone that you believe suits you and your family. You don’t need to reveal your illicit relationship to them, as that would break their hearts, and Muslims may not reveal their sins to others.

You may even consider asking a third party to sit down with your parents and recommend this boy to them so that it’s not only coming from you. Another option is for the boy to come directly to your parents with his father, and they officially propose. Or, his mother could call your mother and tell her that she would like to propose marriage. Involving the parents would be the most honorable way. Of course, his parents would have to be convinced, first.

Then if your parents were to accept, both parties could agree on a timeline for a nikah and wedding reception. An immediate nikah would be optimal so that the relationship becomes halal, but you would have to wait for your parents’ permission. A delayed nikah is better than nothing and you should consider yourself blessed if they agree, even if they make you wait.

If they refuse

If your parents refuse this official proposal, first discuss the reasons with them. If they want you to complete university, promise them that you will. Perhaps you can meet halfway. Complete half of your degree, and then marry, and then complete the other half. If they feel they don’t know the boy, perhaps you can have them sit down and get to know each other. If they have some other concerns, try to address it and use politeness and good character to convince them.

If they refuse, even after many discussions, then you are left with no choice. You will have to move on and allow your heart to heal and find someone else at the right time and in the right way. If this happens, don’t ever tell your future spouse about him.

For now

For now, you should repent and cease all physical contact with him. You both have to make a major decision and there is no sense in dragging this on if it will not lead to fruition. Get serious, stop seeing him, make a good intention, and start working on convincing your parents. If it doesn’t work, make the painful break and start the healing process. Don’t ever allow yourself to be used and disrespected in this manner again. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best decision.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad of Ahmad].

Please see the link below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-in-an-impermissible-but-healthy-relationship-what-should-i-do/

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Rights of Parents

Forgiveness in Light of Being With The People

Question: I wanted to know the rights of parents and how much control do they have over you once you are an adult and is going against their wishes sinful? I have parents who throughout my life have been overwhelming and controlling in their approach towards me.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your parents are so controlling of you. It is not of the Prophetic character for them to be this way and a child does have a right not to be emotionally abused, coerced, and unduly pressured by the parents.

When to obey your parents

The best advice that I can give you is to read the answers at these links for they explain when a person should not obey the parents:

https://dev.seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obeying-ones-parents-and-maintaining-ties-of-kinship/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-may-parents-be-disobeyed-and-how/

Generally speaking, do not obey your parents if they try to forbid you from something obligatory or a confirmed sunna. Other than that, there are details explained in the links above. Try to be kind to them, well-mannered, and loving, and they will love you and be pleased with you even if they don’t agree with your actions. Being treated well is what most parents want and a smile and hug can make a lot of complaints disappear.

Deal with them as best as you can

If you find that your parents are difficult to deal with, sometimes, text them instead of calling or cut your visits a little shorter. Bring them nice gifts and meet them in public places or with friends so as to reduce the tension. Pray for them and help them when they need it. Also, communicate with them and don’t bottle your emotions up, it’s not healthy and can come out sideways in the future.

Please see: https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/extent-boundary-can-dysfunctional-parents/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-speak-with-my-parents/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

The Proprieties of TravelQuestion: Can a wife visit her parents without the permission of her husband? And can a husband stop her from visiting them for no valid reason?

Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question.
The best thing that I can tell you is to read these articles to understand the man’s responsibility towards his family but also must be very careful not to abuse this authority, for he will be taken to account for it:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-cut-everything-life-can/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-a-husband-prevent-his-wife-from-visiting-her-godparents-and-their-children/Her rights

A man may not prevent his wife from visiting her parents as it is obligatory for her to maintain ties of kinship with them. Seeing her parents is also a major part of her being good to them, which is an enormity if ignored. Rather, a man should focus on preventing his family from sins, such as missing obligatory prayers and fasts, backbiting, stealing, cheating, and lying.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-should-i-uphold-my-family-ties/

Leaving the House
I have copied this section from an article by Shaykh Abdul- Rahim Reasat from our site:
“Another related point is the narration you mentioned which suggests that if a woman was to leave her home without the permission of her husband, the angels all curse her. As far as the standards of hadith criticism go, this narration is so weak it cannot be relied upon for rulings (al-Targhib wa al-Tarhib, ed, al-Karmi). According to some scholars it is fabricated narration.

Does a woman need the permission of her husband to go out of the house? It depends on the reason. The scholars of Islam have laid down scenarios where the wife would need permission – which some scholars considered to be the husband’s knowledge of it without his objection (Fatḥ al-Bari, Ibn Rajab) – based on some narrations from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). There are various reasons for this, but most return to her safety. The husband is responsible for the safety of his wife, and for her to leave the home with no way of him knowing where she is, or if she is safe, then he has fallen short of his responsibility.

The situations which do allow her to leave the home are well documented in the books of Law, such as if she needed to learn her religion and he was unable to teach her, or if she had a genuine need. Being in constant contact with people all day is a very recent phenomenon, therefore, laws reflect the majority of cases. Also, this is not a right that is used as a whip to subdue someone; rather the spirit of Islam calls for everything to be ‘wrapped in goodness’.
To the modern mind, this may seem strange, but relative safety is not something that has always been around. These matters change from time and place. Twenty years ago, for a parent to leave an eight-year-old in the car while she goes into a supermarket to buy some milk may have been acceptable, but now, in many places, it is not. Therefore, those charged with responsibility for others are also granted the use of certain measures, within reason, to ensure that their function is properly performed. There are other factors too, such as matters which could lead to the detriment of the marriage, so the husband is responsible for ensuring things remain smooth.
But if we go and ask most Muslim women, the chances are that there is no exhaustive list stuck on the fridge, stipulating when she can and cannot leave the house. These are matters which are best dealt with the principle of dealings being ‘wrapped in goodness’ depending on the situation. Having said this, many righteous women do request permission from their husbands as an act of obedience to Allah, so they do not contradict the literal wording of some of the statements of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace)”
Something deeper

It seems to me that if a man is preventing his wife from seeing her parents, there must be a deeper underlying problem that is angering him and they would do well to communicate and compromise. He should never be made to feel neglected or disrespected, while she should never be made to feel oppressed, controlled, or belittled. I pray that you can both resolve this and live together in tranquility, love, respect, and ease.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.