Am I Right for Cutting Off My Sister’s Family?

Question: My family and I are Muslims alhamdulillah. My younger sister got involved with a non-Muslim man and married him in the US courts. My parents accepted it, but I refused this and tried to convince her otherwise. I asked scholars for their advice on the situation in the beginning, but nothing has worked. It has been 10 years now, and I refuse to talk to her spouse and children, but I do check up on her. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain and suffering regarding your sister. What is clear is that your sister has not listened to you and has moved on with her life. Now it is up to you to do the right thing.

 

Cutting Off Family

I am relieved to hear that you have not cut her off completely and that you are in touch with her. It would have been impermissible to cut her off in any case. Islam encourages maintaining ties of kinship even when that person lives in sin because does not encourage hating the individual but rather hating the action.

 

Dealing with Family Members Who Sin

The best answer you can read about keeping in touch with family members who are sinning is here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-i-maintain-ties-with-family-who-openly-sin-or-shun-them

 

Cutting Off Her Children

Please keep in mind that her children are innocent, and they have nothing to do with their parent’s choice. They are your sister’s children, and honestly, it disgusts me that you do not have a relationship with them. They did not ask to be brought into this world. You are a living Muslim member of their family, and they have basic rights over you.

It is never too late to start a relationship now, and it is well worth it. Do you not want them to have an Islamic perspective in their lives? Do you not you want them to come to you for Islamic advice or learn their deen? You are a powerless person because right now. In other words, you are no one to them, hence you have zero influence.

 

Cutting Off Her Husband

As for the husband, he is not your mahram anyway, so you only need to be cordial and respectfully distant from him. Your goal in life should not be to alienate him but to show him Islam and make him learn to love it so that he converts and their marriage will be halal. Is that not all you ever wanted? So why not contribute something to the solution? I believe your behavior has alienated him and turned him off from Islam, and I highly discourage it.

Please see these links as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-son-married-a-non-muslim/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage-and-divorce/i-have-a-kid-with-a-non-muslim-man-can-i-marry-him/
https://seekersguidance.org/tag/marrying-a-non-muslim/

May Allah facilitate this matter for you and rectify your relationship with your sister, and may she rectify her affairs as well. May Allah reward you all and send you every good.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?

Question:  I am really in love with a kind-hearted, pious gentleman whom my parents are not accepting. His parents are divorced and remarried to other partners, and he is not wealthy. What should I do?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this pain and frustration with your parents. It is never easy to convince your parents when they feel they know what is best for you. I pray that you come to a compromise.

 

Two options

Your options are very simple but difficult. You might wind up hurting someone either way. Your first option is to persist with your parents, even if it takes time. You will have to be patient, kind, maintain good etiquette and character, and pray every step of the way. Ask Allah to facilitate the matter for you and let them get to know the man. You may face rejection, but at least you tried instead of wondering if you tried hard enough.

Your second option is to trust your parents, walk away, and not look back. Moving on will be difficult, but possible, and every day is easier than the last. Know that marriage is an institution that you enter into for the sake of Allah, and it should be easy and blessed from beginning to end. If you are already facing the obstacle of consent, without which you cannot marry, then perhaps you should reconsider the whole thing.

 

The reality of financial constraints

I want to mention that numerous couples that I know have split due to financial problems, so it seems to me that your parents are protecting you from a very big problem in the future that they foresee, but you do not. Living in a situation where there never seems to be enough money for school fees, groceries, and good quality items or services takes a huge toll on health, spirituality, and marriage. Your parents genuinely understand this, so try to see it from their perspective.

Can your suitor go back to school, or can he change his career, or get more training? Can he get higher education in order to better support you? Please consider these options.

 

Istikhara

Before deciding whether to pursue or not, pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara) about what to do. Also, pray the Prayer of Need:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-does-one-perform-the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-haja/

 

Prepare yourself

It is very easy to get married but not easy to be a good wife. My advice to all single Muslims, such as yourself, is to take a free course at Seekers on Islamic Marriage so that you can learn your rights and responsibilities and act accordingly. Preparing oneself for marriage is the greatest thing that you can give your spouse, and I hope that Allah sends you what is best for you and that you place your trust in Him.

May Allah give you tawfiq, ease, and happiness in your marriage process, with whomever it may be. Please see this course:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Responsibility of the Milk Mother

Question: I nursed a friend’s child for about a month while she worked. Her mother was nursing and had to work and she refused the formula, so she told me to go ahead and nurse her. Years passed and her mother asked me to be sure I nursed her daughter enough times to make me her milk mother. I assured her I had. It seems she did not wish me to be her milk mother and she resented me for it even though she instructed it. We later had a falling out and she has not spoken to me since. What is my responsibility to my milk daughter and her mother?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, as you had not done anything wrong. I pray that you can reconcile with her, not just because of your milk-daughter, but because she is your sister in Islam.

Responsibility

As for your relationship with your milk-daughter, she is like your daughter, and your sons are like her brothers. Your husband and your father are her mahrams. There is no financial responsibility upon you toward her, but rather, the basis of your relationship is love, respect, and honour. See the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-you-tell-me-about-the-role-one-takes-as-a-babys-milk-father/

Generally speaking, it is always worthwhile to try and get along with people even if they have been unjust or have wronged you. While you mustn’t allow someone to disrespect you, you can tell her that you are not comfortable with this silence between you and that you would like to reconcile. If she refuses, at least there is no sin upon you. If she demands an apology, you could apologize once, for the sake of Allah.

This du`a will benefit you in sha Allah:

اللَّهُمَّ أَلِّفْ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِنَا وَأَصْلِحْ ذَاتَ بَيْنِنَا وَاهْدِنَا سُبُلَ السَّلاَمِ وَنَجِّنَا مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ وَجَنِّبْنَا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ وَبَارِكْ لَنَا فِي أَسْمَاعِنَا وَأَبْصَارِنَا وَقُلُوبِنَا وَأَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ وَاجْعَلْنَا شَاكِرِينَ لِنِعْمَتِكَ مُثْنِينَ بِهَا قَابِلِيهَا وَأَتِمَّهَا عَلَيْنَا

“O Allah, join our hearts, mend our social relationship, guide us to the path of peace, bring us from darkness to light, save us from obscenities, outward or inward, and bless our ears, our eyes, our hearts, our wives, our children, and relent toward us; Thou art the Relenting, the Merciful. And make us grateful for Thy blessing and make us praise it while accepting it and give it to us in full.”

May Allah reward you for your sincerity and for doing the right thing.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I was born and raised in UAE and lived there for 14 years with my family and then we shifted back to Pakistan. Now that I am 18, my family is planning to shift back to the UAE. I have been in a relationship for 3 years here and when I told him about us shifting, he proposed a nikah so that our relationship would be accepted and halal. I want this, too, but how do I talk to my parents as they won’t let me marry at 18 years old.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I commend you for willing to make your relationship halal and for wanting to step out of the sin that you are currently committing. May Allah reward you for your intention and open a way for what is best for you.

Talking to parents

There really is no way around it. You will have to speak to your parents and tell them that you have found someone that you believe suits you and your family. You don’t need to reveal your illicit relationship to them, as that would break their hearts, and Muslims may not reveal their sins to others.

You may even consider asking a third party to sit down with your parents and recommend this boy to them so that it’s not only coming from you. Another option is for the boy to come directly to your parents with his father, and they officially propose. Or, his mother could call your mother and tell her that she would like to propose marriage. Involving the parents would be the most honorable way. Of course, his parents would have to be convinced, first.

Then if your parents were to accept, both parties could agree on a timeline for a nikah and wedding reception. An immediate nikah would be optimal so that the relationship becomes halal, but you would have to wait for your parents’ permission. A delayed nikah is better than nothing and you should consider yourself blessed if they agree, even if they make you wait.

If they refuse

If your parents refuse this official proposal, first discuss the reasons with them. If they want you to complete university, promise them that you will. Perhaps you can meet halfway. Complete half of your degree, and then marry, and then complete the other half. If they feel they don’t know the boy, perhaps you can have them sit down and get to know each other. If they have some other concerns, try to address it and use politeness and good character to convince them.

If they refuse, even after many discussions, then you are left with no choice. You will have to move on and allow your heart to heal and find someone else at the right time and in the right way. If this happens, don’t ever tell your future spouse about him.

For now

For now, you should repent and cease all physical contact with him. You both have to make a major decision and there is no sense in dragging this on if it will not lead to fruition. Get serious, stop seeing him, make a good intention, and start working on convincing your parents. If it doesn’t work, make the painful break and start the healing process. Don’t ever allow yourself to be used and disrespected in this manner again. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best decision.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad of Ahmad].

Please see the link below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-in-an-impermissible-but-healthy-relationship-what-should-i-do/

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Rights of Parents

Forgiveness in Light of Being With The People

Question: I wanted to know the rights of parents and how much control do they have over you once you are an adult and is going against their wishes sinful? I have parents who throughout my life have been overwhelming and controlling in their approach towards me.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your parents are so controlling of you. It is not of the Prophetic character for them to be this way and a child does have a right not to be emotionally abused, coerced, and unduly pressured by the parents.

When to obey your parents

The best advice that I can give you is to read the answers at these links for they explain when a person should not obey the parents:

https://dev.seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obeying-ones-parents-and-maintaining-ties-of-kinship/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-may-parents-be-disobeyed-and-how/

Generally speaking, do not obey your parents if they try to forbid you from something obligatory or a confirmed sunna. Other than that, there are details explained in the links above. Try to be kind to them, well-mannered, and loving, and they will love you and be pleased with you even if they don’t agree with your actions. Being treated well is what most parents want and a smile and hug can make a lot of complaints disappear.

Deal with them as best as you can

If you find that your parents are difficult to deal with, sometimes, text them instead of calling or cut your visits a little shorter. Bring them nice gifts and meet them in public places or with friends so as to reduce the tension. Pray for them and help them when they need it. Also, communicate with them and don’t bottle your emotions up, it’s not healthy and can come out sideways in the future.

Please see: https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/extent-boundary-can-dysfunctional-parents/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-speak-with-my-parents/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

The Proprieties of TravelQuestion: Can a wife visit her parents without the permission of her husband? And can a husband stop her from visiting them for no valid reason?

Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question.
The best thing that I can tell you is to read these articles to understand the man’s responsibility towards his family but also must be very careful not to abuse this authority, for he will be taken to account for it:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-cut-everything-life-can/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-a-husband-prevent-his-wife-from-visiting-her-godparents-and-their-children/Her rights

A man may not prevent his wife from visiting her parents as it is obligatory for her to maintain ties of kinship with them. Seeing her parents is also a major part of her being good to them, which is an enormity if ignored. Rather, a man should focus on preventing his family from sins, such as missing obligatory prayers and fasts, backbiting, stealing, cheating, and lying.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-should-i-uphold-my-family-ties/

Leaving the House

I have copied this section from an article by Shaykh Abdurragman Khan from our site:

“Another related point is the narration you mentioned which suggests that if a woman was to leave her home without the permission of her husband, the angels all curse her. As far as the standards of hadith criticism go, this narration is so weak it cannot be relied upon for rulings (al-Targhib wa al-Tarhib, ed, al-Karmi). According to some scholars it is fabricated narration.

Does a woman need the permission of her husband to go out of the house? It depends on the reason. The scholars of Islam have laid down scenarios where the wife would need permission – which some scholars considered to be the husband’s knowledge of it without his objection (Fatḥ al-Bari, Ibn Rajab) – based on some narrations from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). There are various reasons for this, but most return to her safety. The husband is responsible for the safety of his wife, and for her to leave the home with no way of him knowing where she is, or if she is safe, then he has fallen short of his responsibility.

The situations which do allow her to leave the home are well documented in the books of Law, such as if she needed to learn her religion and he was unable to teach her, or if she had a genuine need. Being in constant contact with people all day is a very recent phenomenon, therefore, laws reflect the majority of cases. Also, this is not a right that is used as a whip to subdue someone; rather the spirit of Islam calls for everything to be ‘wrapped in goodness’.
To the modern mind, this may seem strange, but relative safety is not something that has always been around. These matters change from time and place. Twenty years ago, for a parent to leave an eight-year-old in the car while she goes into a supermarket to buy some milk may have been acceptable, but now, in many places, it is not. Therefore, those charged with responsibility for others are also granted the use of certain measures, within reason, to ensure that their function is properly performed. There are other factors too, such as matters which could lead to the detriment of the marriage, so the husband is responsible for ensuring things remain smooth.
But if we go and ask most Muslim women, the chances are that there is no exhaustive list stuck on the fridge, stipulating when she can and cannot leave the house. These are matters which are best dealt with the principle of dealings being ‘wrapped in goodness’ depending on the situation. Having said this, many righteous women do request permission from their husbands as an act of obedience to Allah, so they do not contradict the literal wording of some of the statements of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace)”
Something deeper

It seems to me that if a man is preventing his wife from seeing her parents, there must be a deeper underlying problem that is angering him and they would do well to communicate and compromise. He should never be made to feel neglected or disrespected, while she should never be made to feel oppressed, controlled, or belittled. I pray that you can both resolve this and live together in tranquility, love, respect, and ease.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Financial Help From Relatives

Question: My wife isn’t working so I am receiving financial help from a relative. Is this okay?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

Receiving financial “gifts” from a family member is perfectly fine. Receiving “financial help” from others is perfectly halal, but not the preferred situation to be in. If you are personally able to earn more, live in a cheaper area, or do without the financial help, it would be better.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, ‘The giving hand is better than the receiving hand’ (Bukhari and Muslim).

And he said, ‘It is better for anyone of you to carry a bundle of wood on his back and sell it than to go and beg from someone who may or not give to one’ (Bukhari and Muslim).

As for your wife working, that it is completely up to the two of you. If you are happy with her working and making money for herself to spend on her own interests, that is fine.

Otherwise, as a wife, she is never under any obligation to work or contribute financially to you. Her work has nothing to do with your finances in the eyes of the Sacred Law.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

How Can My Husband and I Should Split Time Between His Parents and Mine?

Question: When we visit our parents we spend half the time at his parents and half the time at mine. That upsets his parents. They want us to spend the entire time at their place, and that I just visit my parents during the day. Can you please advise us?

Answer: Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. This is not a question of shari`ah, but a question of giving everybody what they want with the least pain and conflict.

I suggest that you sit down with your husband and ask him the following:

1) Is he happy with the current arrangement?

2) Does he want to change this arrangement to make his mother happier or should he just talk to her to accept it as it is?

3) What does he think of spending more time with his parents alone while you go and see your parents? There is no harm in splitting for a few days.

There are many solutions to this problem, you just have to sit down and make sure that you are both happy with it. Your husband’s happiness is more important than your mother-in-law’s. Once you and your husband feel that you have given his mother what is fair, then ask her to accept the time she has and cherish every moment together. Complaining only takes away from the blessings of the time together and dampens the mood.

You may also wish to pray istikhara about how to split the time. As it seems to me, it is already fair. Another thing you may want to consider is doing more special things with your mother-in-law. Maybe the time feels short to her because you didn’t do anything special together. Eat out with her, go shopping together, throw a dinner party together, surprise her with gifts. May Allah reward you for thinking about her wishes and trying to make her happy. May Allah send you a similar daughter-in-law who is kind and compassionate.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Promise to one’s parents

Question: 
Without my consent, my mum made a promise that I would pay for a poor person’s Hajj if certain things happened. My mum believes those things have happened. It’s actually difficult to pay for a person’s Hajj as I do not know anybody personally who would be eligible for this charity. Is there an alternative I can do to fulfill her promise?

Answer: 
Assalamu alaykum

Thank you for your question.

Obedience to one’s parents has a high position in Islam. Allah says in surah al-Isra, “And your Lord has decreed that you do not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Qur’an, 17:23] Accordingly, good treatment of one’s parents is the best of actions after belief in Allah.

Nonetheless, there are instances where one is not obliged to show parents obedience.  The 18th-century Shafi’i jurist, Bujayrami, listed some of these instances:

1. when they instruct one to leave an act of worship;
2. when they tell one to sin;
3. when they instruct one to divorce a spouse that he or she loves; and
4. when they instruct one to sell one’s property (Hashiyah al-Shirwani).

The fourth example establishes that one is not under an obligation to fulfill the financial instructions of one’s parents. Accordingly, you are not obliged to send someone for Hajj in the first place. If, however, you wish to fulfill the promise made by your mother, you could do so, and in turn, you will earn a great reward from Allah.

If your only concern is identifying someone who is eligible for this charity, you may speak to your local imam or contact us at Seekersguidance, and we will gladly put you in touch with a worthy candidate.

Dealing With Difficult Parents and Keeping Promises

And Allah knows best.
Abdurragmaan Khan

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdurragmaan received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind

Question: My mom has an illogical and weird approach toward things, and often uses bad abusive language with me. I’m trying my best to hold on with her but I don’t know how long I can. I’m having mental breakdowns, now. It would be great if you could quote any dua about this matter.

Answer: Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your honest question. I understand that you are suffering from your mother’s mistreatment towards you. Her behaviour is causing you harm and it isn’t permissible for her to abuse you, call you names or react badly to you. That being said, everyone will be responsible in the hereafter only for how they behaved, and not how their mother behaved.

Allah says, “No burdened soul will bear the burden of another: even if a heavily laden soul should cry for help, none of its load will be carried, not even by a close relative. But you [Prophet] can only warn those who fear their Lord, though they cannot see Him, and keep up the prayer- whoever purifies himself does so for his own benefit–– everything returns to God.“ [Qur`an, 35:18]

Talk to your mother with a renewed intention

I urge you to talk to your mother first and apologize for any mistreatment of her from the past. Tell her that you want to turn over a new leaf, and start your relationship with her anew. Tell her that you will be patient and ask her to do the same. Tell your mother that it hurts your confidence when she calls you names and tell her that you will never force her to do anything in Islam that she doesn’t want to. Try to help her with cooking, cleaning, and errands and make her feel that you are involved. Make her a drink, take her out.

Realize her rank in Islam

Allah, Most High, says, “We have enjoined on man, kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth“. [Qur`an, 46:15].

And He, Most High, says, “Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood’ “[Qur`an, 17:23-24].

Paradise is beneath your mother’s feet. Mu’awiyah ibn Jahima reported: Jahima came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, and he said, “O Messenger of Allah, I intend to join the expedition and I seek your advice.” The Prophet said, “Do you have a mother?” He said yes. The Prophet said, “Stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.” [Al-Nasa’i]

Although it may be difficult, try to recall her rank at all times and know that Allah is watching and is pleased with you for dealing with her. You may only come to fully realize the status of a mother when you have children of your own. It’s a real eye-opener.

Mental breakdowns

It is dangerous and unhealthy to be abused, especially if you are abused to the point of having breakdowns. Please see a therapist that can help you cope when issues arise and teach you conflict resolution. A therapist can also teach you how to respectfully disengage your mother when things get difficult.

Keep busy

If things don’t improve much with your mother, keep yourself busy with good activities. Pray on time, take a course for personal obligatory knowledge, on respecting the rights  of parents, and many other courses that are available on Seekers. Do not hesitate to follow your Islam correctly, she will eventually get used to it. Exercise, get fresh air, travel, develop a skill set that can help you earn a living, or get a healthy and beneficial hobby, maybe pay one of the household bills. May Allah give you all the best and make you and your mother the best of friends. Please see the following link for more excellent information.

How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?

I also recommend these du`as from the Qur`an.

“My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good thing You may send me.“ [28:24]

“Moses said, ‘My Lord, forgive me and my brother; accept us into Your mercy: You are the Most Merciful of all who show mercy.“ [7:151]

“Our Lord, give us good in this world and in the Hereafter, and protect us from the torment of the Fire.“ [2:201]

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.