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Cheating Husband

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Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: Should I seek a divorce if my husband has been cheating on me?

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

Dear questioner, may Allah relieve you of your emotional pain, and reward for the disloyalty that has been shown to you.

If he is clearly trying to change, and your can emotionally bear living with him, you should try your best to stay married to him for the sake of you both, and for the sake of the children.

When to forgive and forget

The default modus operandi for a Muslim is to forgive and forget, even when cheated on by one’s spouse. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Whosoever covers up the faults of others, Allah will cover up his faults on the Day of Rising.’ [Bukhari and Muslim] This even applies to a spouse being unfaithful, because it does not involve anyone else’s rights.

That said, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said, ‘The believer is not stung from the same hole twice.’ [Bukhari and Muslim] Therefore, if your husband is not showing any real signs of change and you suspect he is continuing in his bad ways, you should seek a divorce.

This would also obtain if you just feel that you can’t live with him anymore given the gross level of his betrayal.

The right to divorce

According to many scholars, a woman has the right to ask for a divorce if she is being emotionally abused by her husband. They distinguish between a one-off major form of abuse and a one-off lesser form of abuse. [al Sharh al Kabir, Dardir and others]

In order to unilaterally enact a divorce, you would have to agree with your husband to go to a Muslim arbitrator. The arbitrator–ideally a mufti–would decide whether or not there are grounds to enact a divorce without your husband’s concept on the mere basis of what he has done.

Otherwise, you could just simply convince him to divorce you by telling him that you cannot live with him anymore.

Feeling down

Allah created us only knowing Him. Then we entered this world and turned our hopes and attention to other than Him. If He loves a slave of His, He turns him back to Him by sending him blessings or by calamities, or by sending both. What you are going through right now is that very thing: Allah is turning you to Him through a very difficult trial.

The only way to pass the trial and escape the pain of what others do to one is to turn completely to Allah and make Him your one goal. This isn’t easy, but it will change your life forever. Allah Most High says:

So flee to Allah. Indeed, I am to you from Him a clear warner. [51:50]

Please also read: Prayer For Mental Well-Being

Upshot

Ask yourself if you have the strength and willingness to live the rest of your life with him, and try to see if he has genuinely changed and has turned his back on his bad past. If it is just impossible, then just seek a divorce.

Allah Most High says:

And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of a settlement between them. And settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah, then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted. [4: 128]

But if they separate, Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise. [4: 130]

Please also have a read of this: Unfaithful Husband Working Overseas

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Do I Have to Keep in Touch With My Mother’s Friends?

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Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum,

Do I have to keep in touch with my mother’s friends?

Answer: Wa alaykum salam

May Allah reward you for your question.

Islamic law has placed emphasis on maintaining good ties with all, Muslim and non-Muslim. This emphasis is further emphasized in relation to parents and relatives. In addition, the Hadith of the Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam, specifically encourages the maintaining of ties with the friends of one’s parents.

Imam Muslim narrates in his Sahih that a bedouin met AbduLlah ibn ‘Umar radiyaLlahu anhu on the road to Mecca. AbduLlah radiyaLlahu anhu, then greeted him, made him ride on his donkey and gifted him the turban that he was wearing. Those accompanying AbduLlah ibn ‘Umar said to him, “May Allah rectify your state, the man is a bedouin, and would have been pleased with much less (than you gifting him a ride on your donkey and your turban)”. AbduLlah radiyaLlah anhu, replied saying, “his father was a beloved (friend) of my father, ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab, and I heard the Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam saying, “of the greatest acts of piety, is for the child to maintain good ties with those who are beloved to his father.””

Note, that AbduLlah ibn ‘Umar showed kindness, not to his father, Umar’s friend, but to the son of his father’s friend. In addition, it’s been narrated that the Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam would on many occasions share gifts with the friends of his late wife Khadija radiyaLlahu ‘anha. He taught us, sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam, that the way one shows kindness to his late parents, is by honoring and maintaining ties with their friends.

In conclusion, maintaining ties and keeping in touch with your mother’s friend is emphasized and of the greatest acts of piety.

May Allah guide us to that which is most pleasing to Him, Amin.

For a further reading on what constitutes maintaining ties and the types of ties, see this.

Wassalam
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

Am I Sinful for Not Answering the Phone Calls of My Abusive Father?

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Answered by Shaykh Salim Ahmad Mauladdawila

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I have recently converted to Islam. My atheist father has been abusive towards me and my mother since my childhood. He has left us for another family but he keeps calling me while being drunk. It scares me a lot. I have stopped answering his phone calls. I am sinful for this?

Answer: Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim

Walaikum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakathu,

Thank you for your question and the opportunity to write a reply. May God make you firm upon His faith, draw you closer to Him, and ease your hardships in this life and the next. May He also bless your parents with Islam as He has blessed you, and make you a cause for their guidance and a cause for the spreading of guidance throughout the world.

We know that different people, depending on their situation and their relationship to us need to be treated differently. We do not treat our grandparents the same way we treat our friends, nor do we treat a person with an illness the same way we treat someone who is healthy, even though we wish the same thing for both of them. Similarly, in spreading Islam we must deal with everyone individually and in a way
best suiting them and their situation. What is to remain fixed in our actions and the starting point of all our efforts though must be mercy, and wanting what is best for them. If the Prophet SAW was sent as a mercy for all the worlds, and we are followers of the Prophet, then it is upon us to do the most we can to show mercy in all our actions, and any more than we can do is not asked of us

We are ordered to obey our parents in all matters which do not conflict with our religion. We are also to help them in whatever way we can. In the case of non-Muslim parents, what greater help can one offer than that of Islam? However we should also remember God’s words,
“God does not burden a soul with more than it can bear” [2:286]. It is upon us then to do the most we can to facilitate them coming into Islam, and whilst sometimes we may not be able to speak to them or even be with them for whatever reason, we can always pray and ask God
to make their hearts accepting of Islam and divine guidance.

The Prophet Muhammad SAW said in a hadith, “The most beloved people to Allah are the most beneficial of them for people”. If we make this our sincere purpose and strive for it, we believe that God will choose for us that which is best and enable us to do that which pleases Him. If speaking with your father causes intolerable emotional and psychological anxiety, and you are the best one to judge your situation, then not being in contact with him could be excused. However even with staying out of contact, he should know that the door is open, and if he were to change you would be accepting because ultimately it is not the person we dislike, but their actions. By showing the beautiful manners of Islam with the intention that he too can receive the gift of faith from God, God may choose to make you a means by which your father improves his life and even insha’Allah enter Islam.

While honouring and respecting one’s parents is an important part of Islam, what is important for us to realise is how we honour and respect them. So pray to God that He makes your situation easier and that He improves your father’s state. Pray that He enables you to carry the responsibility of faith and beg your Lord in prostration, after prayers, in the middle of the night, and at all times to bring your parents into Islam and unite you all in paradise “among those He has blessed: the messengers, the truthful, the witnesses, and the righteous. What excellent companions these are” [4:69], and such a thing is not difficult for God.

Wassalam,

[Shaykh] Salim Ahmad Mauladdawila

How to Avoid Cutting Ties With People and Bad Company at the Same Time?

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Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum,

When is something considered cutting ties as opposed to avoiding company of people who may either cause you to waste time in frivolous talk or may lead to sin such as backbiting?

Answer: Wa alaykum salam

Thank you for your question

There are two important considerations regarding your question. The types of ties one may have and what constitutes maintaining ties.

Types of ties:

Muslims are encouraged to maintain good ties with all. However, the emphasis of maintaining ties differ from person to person. Keeping ties of kinship, by way of example, is compulsory; while extrafamilial ties do not share the same ruling.

What constitutes keeping ties:

Imam al-Nawawi defined maintaining ties as, “showing kindness to relatives according to your condition and there’s. This could be through financial support; offering your services; and at times by visiting or greeting and so forth.” [Sharh Sahih Muslim]

Ibn Hajar explained it as, “the comprehensive meaning (of joining ties) is to offer all possible good and removing all possible harm. If however, they are disbelievers (apostates) or wrong doers, then severing ties with them for the sake of Allah, is the (prescribed) form of joining ties.” [Fath al-Bari]

Your question:

Avoiding the company of someone, family or other, does not constitute severing ties, as long as you are there to assist when assistance is required, and that you try visiting once in a while. In addition, avoiding the company of someone that may be the cause that you become sinful, is definitely encouraged.

However, given the sad state of the ummah, this may require one to go in seclusion which is not practical. What would be better for you, is to develop tactics when interacting with people. By way of example, if someone was to speak ill of another and you are able to state that this is sinful then do so. If you cannot, then try changing the topic. If you unable to do that as well, then excuse yourself, politely, and walk away. I’ve noticed that when people realize that you do not want to hear backbiting, they refrain from doing so when you are in their company.

May Allah protect us from all actions that are displeasing to him. May He guide us and make us a means for the guidance of others, amin.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

How Do We Maintain Family Ties With Bloodthirsty Relatives?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I have an extremely difficult relationship with my sister. Not only has she argued with me via phone and social media,but she also flirted with my husband.

I stopped talking to her. After that, she went around telling everyone that I called her an indecent woman.

What should we do with bloodthirsty family members?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah heal your sister and improve your relationship with her. Truly, nothing is difficult for Allah.

Boundaries

‘Abdullah bin Amr narrated that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Merely maintaining the ties of kinship is not adequate. But connecting the ties of kinship is when ties to the womb are severed, and he connects it.” [Tirmidhi]

Your sister sounds very unhappy and very unwell. With individuals like her, you must draw strong boundaries, but always with tact and balance. It is impermissible for you to completely cut ties with her, so you must maintain a minimum of contact e.g. send her emails, text messages and/or gifts, visit her for Eid. Do it for Allah’s sake. Expect nothing in return from her. Trust that Allah is All-Seeing and All-Hearing, and knows how painful this is for you. Think of this as expiation for your sins.

The talebearing that she has done about you is a major sin. Work on forgiving her, because a grudge in your heart only harms you. Please perform The Prayer of Need and ask Allah to grant you patience to bear with this trial until He lifts it from you.

Support

I strongly recommend that you see a culturally-sensitive counsellor who can help you cope with her emotionally abusive behaviour. Please describe your situation to your counsellor, and learn how to stand up for yourself in a respectful and confident way. Your priority is to protect your health and the harmony of your household.

Allah does not wish for you to be target practice. Passively taking your sister’s destructive behaviour is harmful to your spiritual, emotional and physical health. You are a Muslimah, and your dignity is sacred. Telling her to treat you with basic courtesy is an excellent start. Follow it up with minimal interaction. Hold up your end of the relationship, and Allah will take care of the rest.

Please refer to the following links:

What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?
My Sisters-In-Law Belittle Us and Their Parents. Do I Need to Maintain Ties With Them?
A Reader on Family Ties
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Martin Cathrae

Can I Still Speak to My Non-Practising Daughter, Who Chose to Be Artificially Inseminated?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My daughter is not a practicing Muslim and does not want to talk about Islam. She chose to be artificially inseminated. Her divorced mother supports her. She did this because she did not find the right man. What is my status, as her father? What can I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you patience and draw you closer to Him through this trial.

Status

Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said, “Whoever has taqwa of his Lord and maintains ties of kinship, his term of life will be prolonged, his wealth will be abundant, and his family will love him.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Even though your daughter has sinned, the child she bears is innocent. However, this child will be born into a home which is currently far from Islam. This makes it even more important for you, as the child’s grandfather, to keep strong ties with the child as well as her/his mother. InshaAllah, you will be a positive role model for your grandchild.

Wisdom and tact

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Three supplications are answered without a doubt: the supplication of someone who is oppressed, the supplication of someone on a journey, and the supplication of parents for their children.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Although it must be extremely heartbreaking to see your own daughter wilfully disobey Allah, please continue to make dua for her. Your duas for her are inshaAllah accepted, even if you do not see them answered immediately.

In addition to that, please spend time with her, and treat her with love and compassion. Do not preach about Islam if this will bring about more harm than good. Show your sincere concern for her in other ways. Support her in her pregnancy, be there for her when she is faced with the reality of caring for a newborn, and do so with an attitude of sincerity and warmth. InshaAllah your good character will soften her heart towards Islam.

Divorce

Please try your best to uphold good character when interacting with your daughter’s mother. The way you treat her will impact on your daughter’s opinion of you. Having divorced parents can be painful even for adult children, and it is even harder when there is still hostility.

Hope

“Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, ‘When (will come) the Help of Allah?’ Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near! “ [2:214]

Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to grant guidance to your daughter and your unborn grandchild. Never lose hope in the Mercy of Allah. Have a good opinion of Him, and trust that everything happens for a reason. Our role is not to ask why, but to respond in ways which are most pleasing to Him.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother will change your daughter on many levels, inshaAllah. I pray that giving birth and raising a child will bring her closer to Allah.

Please refer to the following links:

What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Should I Support Financially the Illegitimate Child of My Deceased Father?
Can I Claim a Child from an Illicit Relationship?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

What Do I Do When My Parents Reject the Woman I Want to Marry Because She Is Older and a Convert?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am struggling with my family because of my desire to get married. They are against it because she is older than me, not from our cultural background and was not raised Muslim. For them it is humiliating.

What can I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you a way out from this tribulation.

Emotional parents

Emotional parents can make dramatic statements in anger, many of which they might later regret. Try not to let that get you down. They’re upset, they don’t understand why you want to get married to her, and they have trouble communicating that calmly.

Try looking at it from their perspective. They love you and want what is best for you. They cannot comprehend why you would choose an older convert woman from a different cultural background instead of what they imagine is ideal for you. Even though the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) married our Lady Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her), when it comes down to it, parents are often unable to apply that logic to their own offspring. When you become a parent someday, inshaAllah, you might understand them better. In the meantime, even though you are frustrated with them, you must still treat them with respect and compassion.

Marriage

I see three options:

1) Work to persuade your family, and then marry with their blessings. This is the ideal scenario.
2) Marry without their consent. This is less than ideal, and it could be very stressful on your new marriage. You are likely to get disowned but it is your responsibility to still reach out and visit your parents, while shielding your wife from their anger. Most parents come around by the time a grandchild arrives.
3) End the relationship and choose someone your parents are more likely to approve of, without compromising on your Islamic values.

Each of these scenarios have their pros and cons. Be honest with yourself about what you are able to do. Please note that marrying without their consent is an absolute last resort, and this should only be done if (a) all means are taken to convince them; and (b) you have consulted a reliable, experienced scholar or religious counsellor. In most cases, parents can be convinced, if children are patient and approach them with wisdom and tact.

When registration re-opens, it would be very beneficial for both of you to complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life.

Community elder

Is there a respected community elder or family member whom you can ask for help? Many parents react poorly when their children try to correct them, especially in matters of deen. Many parents also become very emotional when it comes to their children’s marital prospects, so perhaps a wise elder can help vouch for you and the woman you wish to marry.

Prayer of Guidance and Prayer of Need

You can perform The Prayer of Guidance up to seven times to help you make a decision on whether or not to marry this woman. There’s no need to look for a dream. Just observe what Allah makes easy for you – if He throws obstacles in your way which block your marriage, then the answer is a negative. If He makes it easy, then the answer is a positive. The challenge lies in you submitting to whatever Allah decrees, especially if it goes against what you want.

Please perform The Prayer of Need and ask Allah to soften your parents’ hearts. Anything is possible with Allah’s help.

I pray that Allah guides you to what is most pleasing to Him and most beneficial for you in both worlds.

Please refer to the following links:

What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
Marriage & Dealing With Parents
Marriage in Islam: A Reader
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I have a cousin who has always provoked negative feelings in me whenever I found myself around her. The breaking point for me was when she questioned me loudly and openly on a personal matter in a room full of people. My natural response is to cut off all ties with her. How much of a relationship must I maintain with her since she is my blood relative? I only want to do the minimum.
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. I am very sorry to hear about the ill-treatment you have received over the years. What your cousin has and continues to do is unjust and unislamic. Cutting off ties with her, however, is not the way of our deen.
Maintaining family ties
‘A’isha reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: “The tie of kinship is suspended to the Throne and says: He who unites me Allah would unite him and he who severed me Allah would sever him.” [Bukhari]
No matter how bad your cousin makes you feel, she is still bound to you by blood. Your responsibility is to look after yourself, while maintaining the bare minimum of contact with her. I would suggest visiting during Ramadan and the two Eids, at the very least. Remember to behave cordially with her. You are responsible for your actions, not hers. Tie your compassion towards her with the highest intention of pleasing Allah, and inshaAllah this struggle will be means of elevating your rank in Jannah.
Assertiveness
The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “A believer does not allow himself to be stung twice from one (and the same) hole.” [Bukhari]
Islam does not call you to be a doormat. Your dignity as a believer is sacred. Knowing your cousin’s attitude towards you, please practise assertiveness training so you will be better able to stand your ground with her, if/when the need arises. See a counsellor, life coach, or therapist for support. Practise role-playing scenarios with trusted family and friends, so that when the time comes, you will be able to politely and firmly draw boundaries. She will probably be very shocked when you do stand up for yourself for the first time, and the thought of doing so may make you feel nervous. However, the solution to this problem is not avoidance. The solution is upholding family ties, while calling her out on any bad behaviour. Do so with tact and wisdom, of course, such as through speaking to her in private and being frank and non-accusatory e.g. “When you said x, I felt x. I would appreciate it if you would stop. Thank you.”
Perspective
Ustadh Usama Canon said, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Your cousin is most likely hurting in some way, and it is likely that she herself has been bullied. As hard as it might be right now, make dua for her well-being, forgiveness, and ask Allah to remove the hatred and resentment from your heart. Polish your heart with remembrance of Allah. Remove those negative traits, and ask Allah to transform your heart into fertile ground for goodness and compassion. Think of our Beloved Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace), who endured unimaginably unjust treatment – despite all of that, he remained compassionate.
I pray that Allah Most High softens her heart as well as yours, and heals your relationship with your cousin.
Please refer to the following links:
Can We Break Family Ties With Siblings Who Treat Us Badly?
Reader on maintaining family ties
Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Is it Obligatory to Forgive Others? How to Deal with Abusive Family Members?

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Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam
Question: Aslamulaykum,
1. Is it obligatory to forgive family and friends for wronging you?
2. Could you please mention some narrations or proofs with some of the main virtues of forgiving someone?
3. When is it better to forgive and when is it better to take revenge?
4. What is the balance between answering parents back and having a discussion/ conversation with them? (is this considered answering back?)
5. What is the maximum amount of breaking a family tie allowed in the Sacred Law? For example if a family member has been hurtful to me can I just only give salaams to them and cut other relation with them?
Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray that you are in the best of health and faith, insha’Allah.
(1) Forgiving others is from the noble sunna of the Holy Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). It is not a condition that others change their ways before you forgive them. You are responsible for your actions only.
(2) Abu Hurayra reported that a man said, “Messenger of Allah, I have some relatives with whom I maintain connections but who cut me off. I am good to them but they are bad to me. I am forbearing with them but they are hasty towards me!” He said, “If it is as you said, it is as if you were feeding them hot ash and you will continue to have a helper from Allah Almighty against them for as long as you act like that.” [Muslim] Abu ‘Abdu’r-Rahman ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported that a man said, “Messenger of Allah, I have some relatives with whom I maintain relations but they cut me off. I am good to them and they are bad to me. I am forbearing to them and they are impatient towards me.” He said, “If you are as you have said, then it is as if you are giving them hot embers to drink. You will continue to have a helper from Allah against them as long as you remain doing that.” [Muslim] Anas said, “I was walking with the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and he was wearing a Najrani cloak with a thick border. A bedouin came up to him and pulled the cloak violently. I looked at the Prophet’s shoulder and it had been marked by the border of the cloak due to the severity of his pull. Then he said, ‘Muhammad, allot to me some of property of Allah which you have.’ He turned to him and laughed and then ordered a gift to be given to him.” [Agreed upon]
(3) The prophetic example was in forgiving others.
(4) Be gentle with them. You can have a conversation, but don’t be rude or inappropriate.
(5) All that you have described is your test from Allah. Remember Allah, and that He will ask you about the way in which you behaved. Smile things off, forgive and forget, and gain some independence so you are not so reliant upon others. Allah is the one who will lift the trial, so ask Him to relieve you of your distress. Put up with things for His sake.
See: A Time to Build: How Believers Respond To Trials and Tests – Faraz Rabbani Eid Khutba at SeekersHub Toronto and: Struggling to Have Children: Ten Key Etiquettes of Du’a
And Allah alone gives success.
wassalam,
Tabraze Azam
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Should Muslim Converts Break Ties With Non-Muslim Family Members?

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Answered by Saira AbuBakr
Question: Recently I read an explanation here about whether to break up ties with relatives or family members in case they are sinful people and the answer was clearly advising no to do so but to keep distance. I would like to ask if this is the same case for a convert? I am a convert and my family members are non-believers. However, even though I always prefer avoiding conflicts and keeping peaceful relation, sometimes their manners, the “culture” or “value-system” they represent and their actions are harmful to my husband’s (who is a born Muslim) and my comfort and I am worried that it can harm our child’s Muslim identity. So are there differences in this matter between a born Muslim family and a converted Muslim who’s parents, sisters/brothers…etc. are not Muslims? Thank you very much. as-Salam alaikum
Answer: walaikum salaam wa RahmatuAllah. JazakiAllahu khairun for your question. May Allah give you the strength to raise spiritually healthy children despite any difficulty, however great it may seem. Know that Allah is Greater (than any tribulation).
Maintaining Ties with One’s Kin
One is required to maintain blood ties, irrespective of the religion of our relatives. The Sahabah (companions of the Messenger of Allah peace and prayers upon him) were all converts and some were subjected to torture by their relatives, including sometimes by their own parents. They bore this patiently. May Allah grant us the strength to do the same, when faced with similar situations.
You may reduce the amount of interaction with your relatives in order to protect your children. Substitute any time not spent with them with gifts (whatever is affordable), phone calls and of course dua (supplication) for them, ideally after every fard (obligatory) prayer.
Focusing on Children’s Islamic Identity
On the other hand, focus on strengthening the identity of your children by regularly taking them to spiritual gatherings, such as: dhikr sessions, classes, socializing with spiritually like minded-people. Don’t worry about them not understanding what they might hear in a class but ensure that they are able to sit for the duration of your attendance without disturbing others. If they are very young, assist them by giving them paper, color pencils, etc. so they may keep busy. The important thing is that the words/presence of the teacher, the spiritual songs (anasheed) and the like will enter their ears and their hearts, as children are like sponges.
In our local halaqahs (circles) I let mothers bring their children. They come with their “busy work”. One of the mothers once excitedly told me that her three-year-old daughter learned some of the etiquettes of dua by simply sitting in our classes and watching us. I too have noticed very blessed changes in some of the children who have attended regularly. If they develop a strong sense of identity, they will grow-up with the ability to interact with all types of people (whenever necessary).
How to View Challenges
View the struggle of challenging relatives as a sign that you need to respond with equal vigor in providing your children with a spiritual environment. If you are not familiar with what is in your local area, ask around. Be persistent. Start something in your home and invite like-minded sisters with children. Begin with a strong intention (for the sake of Allah) and start as soon as Allah sends you (even) one other sister. Avoid argumentation and be consistent in whatever you start. Start small and overlook minor shortcomings in others.
Consistency in One’s Own Spiritual Growth
Also, take the classes you need to take, even if it means taking it online. See what is available on SeekersGuidance. If you have not taken a fiqh (law) class, then do take one and combine it with a class on spirituality. If you email us with what classes you have taken so far, we can better guide you in what to take next.
I know a mother of twins who is very regular in her tahajjud (waking up in the night) ritual, as she once mentioned that when her twins were young, this is the only time she had to review the material from her Islamic classes, recite Qur’an without interruption etc. If the mother (ideally both parents) has/have a strong spiritual identity, the children will follow.
Always Remember
Above all, be consistent in your dua for your children, as a parent’s dua for his/her children is from the duas that Allah the Most High answers.
May He give you the strength to persist on the straight path and may He grant you and your children blessed company.
Saira AbuBakr
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani