Posts

I Met Someone at College, but My Mother Said We Cannot Get Married. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I met someone at college, but my mother said we cannot get married.

Should I hold on to this man or listen to my mother’s instincts and end this? Will hurting his feelings be a sin considering he is willing to wait for me?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Mother

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “There are three supplications which are answered: the supplication of the person who is wronged, the supplication of the traveller, and the supplication of a parent for his child.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Please look after your mother’s heart. Her duas for you are accepted, and it would wise for you to heed her advice. Mothers have years of life experience, and a love for you that is unfathomable, until you become a mother yourself.

It would sinful for you to remain in a pre-marital relationship. I encourage you to end this relationship with dignified restraint; his feelings will inevitably be hurt, as will yours, but it would be far worse for you to persist.

Tests

Allah places people in our lives to help us refine our character. You are very emotionally attached to a man you are not married to, and you have a very serious decision to make. You can either continue in a state of sin, or free yourself through sincere repentance.

I see a few options, and both involve ending your relationship with him:

1) End this temporarily

If he says that he wants you by his side in his old age, then logic would entail that he would have to marry you. If he truly is serious about you, then he will take all the means necessary to win over your parents and seek your hand in marriage. It would be better for you both to stop seeing each other until you can actually perform a nikah.

2) End this permanently

Give him up for the sake of Allah, and trust in His promise that He will grant you far, far, better.

Prayers

Please continue your sincere effort to perform your obligatory prayers. Use that as a barometer of your closeness to Allah.

I encourage you to wake up 15 minutes before Fajr, and perform The Prayer of Need. Ask Allah to help lift this tribulation from your life.

Marriage

I strongly encourage you to complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Please learn about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. In Islam, love is more than attraction, and getting everything you desire. Learn about what qualities you need to look for in a husband, and what qualities you need to have as a wife.

Ask yourself, which is better for your dunya and your akhirah: A husband who will tell you, with kindness, when you are being unreasonable, or one who will give in to your every whim? True love is what brings you closer to Allah, and not what pleases your lower self.

Repentance

The door to repentance is open for as long as you are alive. Ending a pre-marital relationship can be very difficult, so please reach out for support. Lean on your mother, and others who are close to you. Recite and listen to more Qur’an.

Moving forward

“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!” [Qur’an, 13:28]

Dear sister, please save your heart for the man you are destined to marry. I pray that he is out there, somewhere. Orient your life back to what pleases Allah, and always let that be your guide. Only His Pleasure with you will grant you lasting, long-term contentment.

Please see:

A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

How Can I Remove the Jealousy I Have Towards People Younger and More Successful Than Me?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: After a decade of poverty, today I’m able to enter college but I’m already 26 years old, making me the oldest in my class. Sometimes I feel ashamed to go to school. I get jealous at some people who are younger than me and are now working. How do I remove this?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah lift your depression, and fill your heart with the contentment with His Decree.

Destiny

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) as saying:
“A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in everyone, (but) cherish that which gives you benefit (in the Hereafter) and seek help from Allah and do not lose heart, and if anything (in the form of trouble) comes to you, don’t say: If I had not done that, it would not have happened so and so, but say: Allah did that what He had ordained to do and your” if” opens the (gate) for the Satan.” [Muslim]

Each time you have thoughts of regret for the past and lost opportunities, seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan. Remember that everything that happens in your life, even the hardships like extreme poverty, is part of Allah’s Decree for you. There is nothing you could have done differently, because everything that happened was best for you. Instead of mourning over the past and falling into the trap of ‘what-if’s, focus on the blessings you have right now. Don’t let Shaytan trick you into despair.

Allah’s Wisdom

“Jihad (holy fighting in Allah’s Cause) is ordained for you (Muslims) though you dislike it, and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” [Qur’an, 2:216]

Sometimes, only Allah knows the wisdom behind why things unfold in our lives. Perhaps if you had finished college all those years ago, you would be far away from the deen, and not interested in helping your family. Allah protected you from that by testing you with poverty. Through your college hiatus,you attained closeness to Him, and gained your praiseworthy desire to support your family.

Shame

You are doing something praiseworthy by returning to college in order to get a halal income through a respectable profession. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

As for being teased by your classmates – people make fun of others because are bored, or because they enjoy your reaction. You can set clear boundaries and tell them firmly and politely that you don’t like being teased about your age. Or you can smile and move on. If those responses don’t work, then make dua for Allah to keep you steadfast and to help lift this trial from you. Don’t let a bunch of 18 year olds get you down.

As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You have nothing to feel ashamed about. When I was in college, there were a handful of mothers and fathers in their forties and fifties in my class. They were the most mature, wisest and kindest people in my cohort. They brought their life experience into their classes and it made them better students.

Counselling

There are two sides to every coin and you can choose to dwell on the negative or focus on the positive. If you struggle to remain positive, then consider seeking out a student counsellor to help you come up with a strategy. There is no shame in seeking help. Remember to exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep to help you feel better. Spend time with good Muslim friends who remind you of Allah.

Provision

Every single person on this earth already has his/her provision destined for him/her. The way to remove jealousy is seeking refuge in Allah from Shaytan, by recognising that everyone’s provision has already been written, by remembering that everyone has trials, and by counting your own blessings. You don’t know what hardships other people have gone through, until you get to know them well. Every person as his/her story.

Life in this dunya will always be imperfect, and the only place you will attain everlasting joy is in Jannah, inshaAllah. I pray that Allah lifts your spirits, helps you see the goodness you already have in your life, and blesses you for working so hard to support your family.

Please refer to the following links:

The Meaning of Rizq (Provision) When Used in the Qur’an and Sunnah
Allah’s Names Explained: Al-Razzaq – Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Trust in Allah and Provisions for Seekers of Knowledge
Imam Nawawi on Fighting The Ego (nafs)

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Should I Finish My College Degree Before Seeking Sacred Knowledge?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am an international student pursuing a degree in Finance. I recently developed a passion in seeking sacred knowledge. I can’t drop out of college and return to my country to study Islam because of war and I can’t go to any other country either because of my financial situation. I am afraid that if I wait till I finish my college degree to seek sacred knowledge that it would be too late. What should I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Alhamdulilah, may Allah reward you for your intention to study sacred knowledge and grant you ease in pursuing it.

Making a decision

The best thing you can do right now is perform the Prayer of Guidance, let events unfold, and then make a decision about what to do next. You do not need to look for a dream; the key is to be open to either outcome.

Online learning

SeekersHub online courses are a wonderful place for you to start learning. Test your commitment to learning sacred knowledge by aiming to complete at least one course, then build on that foundation. Although online learning is not for everyone, since there are no classes in your immediate area, this could be a useful option for you.

Start by studying what is personally obligatory upon you to ensure your current acts of worship are valid. Decide on which school of thought you wish to study (Hanafi, Shafi’i, or Maliki) and this will depend on what you are already practising. As far as I know, Yemen is a predominantly Shafi’i.

Good company and practice

Do you have any like-minded seekers of knowledge you can spend time with? This will help you remain focused on your goal.

Additionally, you can start putting into practice what you already know. Sacred knowledge is only beneficial when you apply it to your everyday life.

Patience

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” [Qur’an, 2:153]

Wait for an opening from Allah. Maybe now is not the right time to travel abroad to seek sacred knowledge. It takes patience, commitment, time and effort for anything to come to pass. Until Allah moves you elsewhere, take this time to come up with a viable plan. Find a part-time job, save up money and research where you can go. Find a wise elder in your community whom you can seek counsel from.

Tahajjud

Remember to pray Tahajjud in the last third of night and ask Allah to grant you what is best. Take heart in the knowledge that Allah is your Loving, Nurturing Lord, and He will not let you down.

Wassalam,
Raidah

Please see:

“From knowing nothing to becoming a student of knowledge” by Ustadha Shireen Ahmad
I want to study abroad but my parents insist on me staying at home.
Studying tips for Seekers of Knowledge

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani