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Mother and Husband Not on Good Terms

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil is asked about a mother who vehemently dislikes the husband of a sister, and how she can best deal with the threats she faces.

Question:

Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

Should I get a divorce because my mother doesn’t like my husband, and says she never will? She said that if I wanted to leave and go and be with him at my home, she’ll take my passport and social away because she knows I can’t survive without it.

Does that mean my marriage won’t be good because she doesn’t support it? Does that make me a bad person? She doesn’t want to make amends and is making me choose between him or her.

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Mother

Dear sister, I am very sorry that your mother is putting you in this impossible situation. When parents are deeply troubled and fearful for their adult children, then they can behave in damaging and controlling ways. What your mother is doing is sinful because she is causing you emotional harm and trying to break up your marriage.

Please do not get a divorce just because of what your mother said. It can be so, so difficult to make your own choices as an adult when you have a controlling and disapproving parent, but it does get easier with practice, and distance.

Please know that you can still make choices to protect yourself and your marriage. Do not cut ties with your mother, but do work on setting stronger boundaries. Speak to a culturally-sensitive counselor if you need to. It is natural to want to please your mother, but not at the cost of your marriage.

Husband

Why does your mother disapprove of your husband? Is he hurting you? Or is he a good man who recognizes the harm your mother is causing you?

Dear sister, please know that you are not a bad person. Your marriage can still be a loving and rewarding one.

Self-soothe

I encourage you to use apps such as Calm and Head-space to help you make space for your feelings of stress, agitation and/or anxiety.

Please read and listen to Qur’an to soothe your pain.

Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Well-being by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Priorities

If your mother is threatening to keep your passport, then you must keep it safe, because that is your property. Please secure your valuables and keep them locked and away from your mother.

I do not know the logistics behind your situation, but is your mother keeping you away from your husband, against your will? Is there anyone you can call for help?

Please gather your belongings and when you are in a safe position to do so, please return to your husband. Please limit your contact with your mother, until your well-being and the safety of your marriage is restored.

Time

Time is often the best remedy for broken hearts. That being said, if your mother is determined to still have a poor opinion of your husband, then it is better for you to accept that she will not change.

You can still live a good life, have a loving marriage, and raise your children well. It is okay to feel sad that she disapproves of your husband – just don’t let this sadness overtake your entire life, and eclipse all of your other blessings.

Please keep in touch. I pray that Allah heals your heart, your mother’s and reunites you with your husband.

Please see: Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

Wassalam,

Raidah

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.


Forced to Sit without Tahiyat al Masjid

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat is asked about the sunna of tahiyat al masjid and whether it is best to sit down during the iqama or to stand.

Question:

Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

I live in an area where there is only one mosque within walking distance and it is the local mosque affiliated to no organization or jamaat.

I have the same right over the mosque as they have, but when there is no time for tahiyat al masjid, I tend to stay standing until one or two minutes before the iqamah is given. Sometimes people will force me to sit down saying it is a sunna.

I want any unbiased islamic fatwa/hadith/Qur’anic interpretation from any faqih/mufti that will help me make wiser/less fitna-inducing decisions.

Jazak Allah khayr.

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Sitting During the Iqama

It is better for you to sit. Firstly because it is disliked to remain standing whilst the Iqama is being given until the statement of “hayya ‘ala ’l-falah.” (Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar).

Getting On With People

Secondly, because the Messenger of Allah said, “The believer gets on [with people].” (Ahmad) Going against the regular practice of people causes friction, and a believer is someone who leaves a positive mark on people with a smile, a light joke, or an endearing gesture.

Doing something that rubs people the wrong way will make you a bullseye for a lot of glares and comments. This could leave you with an unpleasant feeling about the masjid and its people, or even put you off from going there.

It is best to overlook minor annoyances, or, even better, to deal with them with a sense of humor. We have all dealt with the uncles in the mosque who have a heart attack if someone walks in with their socks on, or if the Iqama is not called when the second hand reaches “12” on the clock – sometimes, even if the imam is not present!

In many cases these people are the ones who gave their hard-earned money to build the masjid in the first place, and they are particular about how things are done. Give them a smile, make a joke about something, and walk away having shown good character, honoured the elderly, and done something to please Allah. A pleasant sentence is charity (Bukhari).

Following a Weaker Position to Avoid Friction

Sometimes, it is better to do something sub-optimal in fiqh if it means not causing friction – unless it means that something impermissible will be done. An example of this is what to after the prayer ends.

The position of the Ḥanafī school is to ask for forgiveness (astaghfirullah) three times, and then say a short sentence of duʿa or praise (Allahumma Anta ’s-Salam, wa minka ’s-salam…) before immediately getting up for the sunna prayers. To sit and say one’s devotional prayers and praises is slightly disliked. Even reciting Ayat al-Kursi is deemed too long a wait. (Shurunbulali, Maraqi al-Falah).

However, in many mosques, the imam will sit and make a collective supplication after the prayer. Getting up at this point could cause offence§, so it is better to sit and do what everyone else does, and then get up for the sunna prayers.

The Point is Allah

Going to the masjid is about pleasing Allah. He should be focus of the entire endeavor. If a particular masjid resembles a concentration camp then it might be better to pray in another masjid, if possible, where you can focus on Allah.

May Allah make our hearts attached to the mosques and shade us with His shade on the day where there is no shade save His. Amin.

Abdul-Rahim

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.


Agreeing to Disagree: Ikhtilaf in the Islamic Tradition, by Shaykh Ahmad Sa’ad

Shaykh Ahmad Sa’ad on the manner in which we should handle differences of opinion in the Muslim tradition, a difficult but necessary endeavour.

Our thanks to ISNA Canada for this recording.

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With Hearts United, We Must Respect Differences of Opinion

One of the blessings of being Muslims is that this religion was sent by Allah to unite the hearts of believers. However, Shaykh Faid Mohammad Said warns us that this does not mean we don’t accept and respect differences of opinion amongst us. We must learn how to agree to disagree. Listen in for the full details.