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How can I seek a divorce?

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Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
May Allah, Most High, draw you close to him.
Marriage
Marriage is a journey full of ups and downs. When a spouse or couple finds themselves not satisfied in marriage, they should immediately seek help to solve the marital problem.
Seeking help in a difficult relationship is either through confronting one’s spouse, seeking arbitration through family, or going to marital therapy.
No matter how difficult the marital problem is, it does not allow one spouse to have an extramarital affair. Adultery is an egregious transgression against Allah, Most High, and one’s spouse. You should immediately repent to Allah, Most High, from these actions and make a strong intention to never return to it.
Know that Allah, Most High, forgives all sins and descends his mercy upon all those who seek it. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“The one who repents from a sin is like one who did not sin.”
(Ibn Maja’, al-Sunan)
 If one is already divorced, then, of course, they may pursue marriage with another person.
Seeking Divorce
As for seeking a divorce in this situation, you should first try to save your marriage through the aforementioned methods.
If you cannot save your marriage, you should express your desire for a divorce to your husband. Your intention should be that the divorce is amicable for the sake of the children.
If your husband is unwilling to give you a divorce, please read the following answer for more information.
And Allah alone knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

What Is an Implicit Divorce?

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Question: What is an implicit divorce?
Answer:
Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
If a husband says “leave me alone” with no intention of divorce, the divorce does not take place.
An implicit divorce (kinaya) is: “the proclamation of a word which signifies divorce (ex. “You are single now”), coupled with the intention of divorce.”
[Quduri, al-Mukhtasar]
Although no divorce has taken place, couples should ensure to watch the language they use when going through any dispute, significant or insignificant.
Allah, Most High says, “That [is so]. And whoever honors the symbols of Allah – indeed, it is from the piety of hearts.” [Quran 22:32]
The symbols of Allah are anything which Allah, Most High has made sacred such as the institution of Marriage. Hence, we should watch our language when discussing these matters.
May Allah, Most High reward you for your desire to learn more about how to honor him.
And Allah knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Is My Husband’s Divorce Valid Through a Vague Text Message?

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Question: Is my husband divorce valid through vague text message?
Answer:
Wa Alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,
Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
When a husband writes a text message to his wife saying “I divorce you”, the divorce takes place, regardless of intention. [Ibn Aabideen, al-Hashiyah]
When a husband writes a text message to his wife only saying “divorce”, the divorce takes place only if the husband had the intention of divorce. If no intention was made at all or the husband did not intend divorce, then no divorce occurs. [al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya]
If the husband intends three divorces with one utterance of divorce, then the divorce is binding. The husband and wife are now separated. [Jassas, Sharh Mukhtasar al-Tahawi]
Please reach out to your husband and get clarity on this serious issue. It is necessary that everybody who desires to get married learns the basic rulings of marriage and divorce so they can avoid problematic outcomes.
I pray Allah, Most High brings ease and clarity into your life. Remember that divorce is only a separation that occurs in this life. Protecting ourselves from separation from Allah, Most High is every Muslim’s highest aim.
Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.
May Allah, Most High reward you for your care in upholding his rights during this difficult time.
And Allah alone knows best.
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Should I Divorce My Husband If All We Do Is Argue?

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Question: I have been married for two and a half years. My married life has been filled with constant arguments. My husband is an angry man and gets in a rage about the tiny things. He refuses to believe that he is ever wrong. We do not understand each other at all, and I have tried so hard but the arguments never stop. I am so tired of always being unhappy. I know Allah hates divorce, but how do we know when we should divorce?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with the frustration and unhappiness that you are constantly feeling. It looks like you have to make a serious decision and take serious steps. By the grace of Allah, your decision will be clear to you at the end.

 

Work, Work, and More Work

Every marriage takes work, and it sounds like your marriage needs a bit more of it. Please take a free course on marriage, read the books below, and apply the tips and techniques in them. The only way to move forward is to learn, intend to change, and apply. If you remain as you are, you are doomed to be unhappy for a long time. It is true that he needs to change too, but start with yourself as you are willing.
[5 love languages, John Gottman’s Marriage Book, Fascinating Womanhood]

 

Istikhara

Please apply some of the tips in your marriage, and see if you notice an improvement. Give it some time and sincerely ask Allah to help you better your situation. If you do not see any improvement, it might be time to pray istikhara about divorce. Although divorce is the most hated of the permissible things, one cannot live a life of misery where one is behaving un-Islamically from morning to evening.

 

Steps

In the meantime, I recommend that you take these steps:
-Give a little charity regularly, as Allah may bless and accept your good deed and make it a means of success in your problem
-Be the best Muslim that you can be. Pray on time, read some Qu’ran every day, and learn or review your obligatory knowledge. Arguing day in and day out should make your relationship with Allah stronger.
-Try to spend time together with friends and family. One tends to argue less. Entertain as much as you can.
-Try the secret weapon of silence. It takes two to argue, but if you can just listen to what he is saying and not respond, it will keep things calm and cool, and he will have nothing to go on about. Use the silence for contemplation.
-Pray the Prayer of Need in the depth of the night when Allah is ready to forgive and give to whoever is asking.

Please see these link for similar situations and solutions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-argue-lot-front-small-daughter-calls-names-tells-shut-scares/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/the-fiqh-of-anger/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next and guide you to what is right for you both.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Is It Incumbent On Women In Their Post-Marriage Waiting Period To Cover?

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Question: Is it incumbent on women in their post-marriage waiting period to cover her face from non-mahrams? Can she speak to her non-mahram? Are there cultural factors that cause women to only wear niqab during the idda period, or to abstain from talking to their family members?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate,

It is not incumbent for a woman in her waiting period (idda) to keep her face covered before marriageable people (non-mahram). [Maydani, al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab]

 

Mourning (Ihdad)

A mourning period is necessary for a woman who was divorced thrice or whose husband passed away if she is an adult Muslim. In this mourning period, she must refrain from adorning and beautifying herself without excuse. She does not wear clothing dyed with provocative colors. [Ibid.]

There is no obligation for her to cover her face.

 

Purpose Of Mourning (Ihdad)

Marriage is seen as a blessing from Allah Most High. When the marriage is terminated, either by death or divorce, the woman is obliged to show a sense of loss for losing that blessing. [Ibid.]

This is echoed in the following Prophetic narration:

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most odious of the permissible to Allah Most High is divorce.” [Abu Dawud]

 

Socializing During the Idda

During the post-marriage waiting period (idda) a woman is obligated to remain in her home for a specified period of time. In this time, she can communicate with her family and entertain them as guests. [Maydani, al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab]

As for marriageable kin (non-mahram), the basic rule applies. The basic rule with non-relative inter-gender interactions is to keep the interaction to a minimum and only when there is a need or clear worldly or religious benefit that could not be obtained from a woman.

If such a case arises, she can interact/communicate with them.

 

Remaining At Home

It is necessary for the woman in her post-marriage waiting period to remain in her home. If her marriage ended due to the death of her husband, she can leave the house by day if the need arises. [Maydani, al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab]

Due to modern circumstances, the lack of strong extended family structures, and the other practical implications, scholars have given legal verdicts giving more expansive practicality regarding the waiting period. Thus if one has peculiar circumstances in which remaining at home would become unduly difficult – one should consult the scholars regarding the specifics of their situation.

 

Summary

The purpose of mourning is to show a sense of loss. That is manifested by remaining home (with the aforementioned conditions and exceptions) and abstaining from those things that are clear shows of provocative behavior. Covering the face is not entailed in this meaning.

She may continue to engage in family relations without exiting the home. Thus you will find that certain cultural aspects are congruous to the Islamic guidelines whereas others don’t.

I hope this helps,
Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a graduate from Tarim; a student of Habib Umar and other luminaries; and authorized teachers of the Qur’an and the Islamic sciences

How Can I Overcome My Traumatic Divorce?

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Question: I have been separated from my husband for 2 years, and we have 3 young children. The divorce happened because of an argument between us, but multiple events happened between my mother and his family which lead to a dramatic divorce. My husband is mad because I did not stand by him, and he does not understand that I was depressed at the time. We got the divorce papers, and now he will not forgive me. How can we reconcile with all his anger and resentment?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you have gone through such a traumatic divorce with three young children. It is truly heartbreaking, and I pray that Allah sends you the best thing for your life.

 

Separated

Sister, you have already been separated for two years, and it seems to me that you are holding onto your last shred of hope. If he has waited this long and he is satisfied to not come back to you and has sent you divorce papers, it may be that this is not meant to be. He seems determined, and I think you might have to start to accept it. Two years is a long time to try and get someone to forgive you. You do not see it now, but goodness will come from this and Allah wants you to turn to Him.

 

Improve Yourself

The best advice that I can give any person is to read this answer and apply the tips and read the du’as mentioned:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-heart-feels-uneasy-after-divorce-what-can-i-do/

You must take this time for introspection and work on yourself. Make a list of your faults, and ask yourself how you can improve. Make a list of spiritual, physical, emotional and material goals, and start working toward them. You should have a growth mindset about your life and not let this divorce destroy you or throw you sideways. Also, make a gratitude journal and write down in it every day what you are grateful for.

 

Turn to Allah

The best first step for anyone when they are hit by a big test is to turn to Him, wholeheartedly, and worship Him to the best of their ability. Learn the basics of your religion as best as you can (right here with free Seekers courses), read some Qur’an with the meaning every day, even if only a few lines and surround yourself with positive religious people. Spend some time on self-care, eating healthily, exercising and being active, or try to do some charitable work.

 

Children

Your biggest responsibility right now is your children. If he does not want to continue this marriage, I recommend that you focus on getting him to spend time with the children in a regular way, and insist that he be a big part of their lives. A couple who is divorced and co-parenting generally should be talking every day regarding their child’s upbringing, homework, and overall development.

Take this opportunity, when discussing the children, to show him that you are a serious mother and will not falter when it comes to your responsibilities. He may find you gentle, caring, responsible, patient, smart and kind to co-parent with him without fighting, begging, crying, or acting out. Give him a chance to see the real you (or the new you), and perhaps his admiration for you will get you a second chance.

 

“After Difficulty, There Is Ease”

The words of Allah, Most High, above, promise us there is ease after every difficulty. Although you do not see it now, your difficulties are teaching you and blessing you layer after layer, and the end result is that you will be a different person. I pray that Allah facilitates your matters for you and helps you focus now on what you need to do. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Please see these links as well.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/problems-in-my-life/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/everything-going-wrong-life/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Can I Do about a Husband Who Does Not Want Children?

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Question: My husband of six years has finally told me that he does not want to ever have children. I have always wanted children, and he began saying he needed a few years and now has said he does not want children at all. He says he feels guilty for not fulfilling my rights, however, he is too selfish to have children. What advice and guidance can be given before coming to the decision of divorce?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Your husband has indeed robbed you of a basic right and sounds too immature to put your needs and the Prophetic Sunnah before his own desires.

 

Resources

The absolute best advice for your situation is here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/my-husband-doesnt-want-to-have-kids-what-can-i-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-husband-who-does-not-want-to-have-children/

 

Istikhara

Six years is a long time to wait, and it sounds like you are inclining to a divorce. This is permissible grounds for a divorce, and you should pray istikhara before you make this decision. Turn to Allah in the last third of the night and ask him to guide you to His pleasure and to facilitate the basic fulfillment of your rights.

 

Communication

If he absolutely refuses, you should put everything openly and honestly on the table and tell him that you are making a plan to spend your future without him. You should consult family and friends on their opinions and perhaps have them try to convince him. This might get him thinking more seriously. If you divorce him, do so with the support of friends and family and turn to Allah at every step. Consider the etiquette of divorce here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/etiquettes-going-divorce/

I pray that he changes his mind, and if not, I pray for a happy union for you with someone who can give you a family and dedicate himself to raising them as pious servants of Allah, Most High.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can My Husband be Intimate with Me after an Irrevocable Divorce?

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Question:

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

My husband sent me an irrevocable divorce (talaq ba’in), and I was advised to sit through ‘the idda. During this time, my husband came to see me, and we were intimate. We continue to live separately, and he still meets me and talks to me on the phone. He claims that it is only one divorce, and the doors are open for him. What is the ruling on this?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

 

Types of Divorce

There are two types of divorce when it comes to the permissibility of intimacy: the revocable divorce (raj’i) and the irrevocable divorce (ba’in). The difference between the two is the wording with which it was issued and the number.

Saying just the word ‘divorce,’ or ‘I divorce you’ are examples of a revocable divorce. If two or more of these are given – at once or separately – it becomes an irrevocable divorce. Irrevocable divorces have a stronger wording.

 

Intimacy After Divorce

Intimacy after one or two revocable (raj’i) divorces is permitted, but any display of physical affection automatically revokes the divorce. They become a married couple again.

Intimacy is not permitted after an irrevocable divorce. If he has given only one or two in total, then they can only be intimate if he marries her again with a fresh nikah and mahr.

Based on how you phrased your question, it would appear that intimacy with him is impermissible. Please let him know. If he does not agree, tell him to consult a local scholar. If it was a revocable divorce, you are now married again. [Maydani, al Lubab]

I suggest you repent from the act of intimacy, and ask Allah for forgiveness. He forgives all sins. “Indeed, He is the All-Forgiving, Ever-Merciful.” (Qur’an, 39:53)

May Allah facilitate all matters for you.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

Choosing Phone Over Family

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Reconnecting With Family

Question: My husband neglects me & the kids. He chats on social media all day long, even in the toilet, at the dinner table, and ignores us. He lies and says it’s work but it’s not. Often, all I get from him is a greeting. I constantly tell him to stop. I applied for a fasakh but he lied to the counselor. I feel lonely. When I discuss it with him, he ignores me. He doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t want to make time for me either. I don’t have any other adults to talk to but him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

I am so sorry that you are going through this hardship and I empathize with your pain. Some people don’t handle the use of the internet well and it destroys their time and relationships. I pray that your husband comes to understand your needs and learns how to balance his obligations with his personal entertainment.

Faskh or khul`

My understanding is that a Faskh can only be accomplished by an Islamic Court of Law after proving that your husband hasn’t supported you financially. Rather, in your case, a woman can apply for khul`, which is a release for payment. One would pay the husband a mutually agreed upon sum for him to release her from the marriage with his consent.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-women-stipulate-marriage-contract-right-initiate-divorce/

Communicating the problem

I recommend that you try fixing this marriage before walking away. There are many things that you can do, but I am afraid that telling him to stop isn’t one of them. You will have to take steps of having an honest, non-confrontational discussion about it, making technology-free zones in the house, turning up the intimacy, and making sure that you spend less time on the phone yourself.

I know a woman who had the same problem with her husband at the dinner table, so one evening, she overdid the salt in his dinner. He was shocked and asked her what happened to the food, and she said that she did it so he would speak to her at the table. After that day, he always spoke to her at dinnertime. Here are some ideas for you:

-Try inviting others for dinner, anybody, just so that he turns away from his phone and is forced to socialize.
-Try bringing up an interesting topic to him, such as sports, politics, or something else he likes.
-Try asking him to take you all out for dinner because you are tired and don’t want to cook.
-Try having him read stories to your children or take them to the park, appealing to him that they need to spend more time with him.
-Try getting him to help with their homework, or to buy certain things for them that they need for school.
-Try communicating with him through text message yourself, for this can often get a man’s attention.
-Last but not least, explain to him that the children need his love and attention and a male role model, or they will just grow up and ignore their families too. This is contrary to any decent way of living, let alone the Prophetic way.

Resources

Please read these books and article and see which one strikes a chord with you, that you can act upon:
https://www.amazon.ca/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0743204441/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8063/phone-addiction-ruining-relationship/

Please see these articles for excellent advice about internet addictions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-reconnect-to-my-husband-who-is-addicted-to-his-phone/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/log-off-live-life_b_1220542?fbclid=IwAR1p1-ItMHGFNwo6_7eZxAIGT9mXqL9Kxm4gdVXmKSveYlUhKIX4RvEo7xU

Please see this article for advice on addiction in general:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/advice-to-a-young-man-with-ocd-and-struggling-with-pornography-and-other-major-sins/

May Allah make it easy for you to move forward in a positive and loving marriage and help your husband realize that he is wronging himself and others. May Allah make it easy for all of you to change and grow together.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Do I Revoke a Divorce I Gave When My Wife Was Menstruating?

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Question: How Do I Revoke a Divorce I Gave When My Wife Was Menstruating?

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

I said the word divorce once to my wife. She was having her period that day when I said that word. Later the same day we cleared the misunderstanding between us but we had no sexual relation because I was left for work out of the city. Now it has been 40 days and she already had her 2nd female period.
I have 3 questions in this regard.

1. Since she was having her periods so will that period be counted or not?

2. I am still physically away so is it required to have sexual activity between us to ruju? I did not new about intercourse being required otherwise I would have done that before leaving for work.

3. In case if she has her 3rd period (including the period when I used that word) before my return then what will be the right way to save the marriage?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Divorces During Periods Are Valid – But Sinful

The divorce during a woman’s menstrual cycle is valid, but a sinful act for which one must repent from.  One of the Companions did this and the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) was angered by it (Bukhari). Words have consequences – beware! Ask Allah for forgiveness and don’t repeat it. The ‘idda does not start until her next menstrual cycle.

Revoking a Divorce

To revoke a divorce you just need to say “I take you back” or to engage in any act which displays intimacy, such as a kiss or a hug. If you did anything like that the divorce was revoked.

If the ‘idda ends without the husband having revoked a revocable divorce, as in this case, the couple simply need to conduct a new marriage contract (nikah) with a new mahr payment for her. This is only the case if he has not given her three divorces.
(Maydani, al Lubab)

See also: What Are the Rulings of ʿIdda (Waiting Period)?-https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/rulings-ʿidda-waiting-period/

What Are the Rulings of the Waiting Period (‘Idda)? [Video]- https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/rulings-waiting-period-idda/

May Allah forgive all our sins.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.