Posts

Is It Selfish To Not Want Children?

Question: I am 30 and decided not to have kids because of the abysmal state of my mental health. I do not have anything to offer and do not want them to become emotionally/spiritually void like me or suffer neglect. My husband is nice and primarily does all the work, but he is not an intellectual or logical planning type, so he cannot raise them himself. He says is okay with the decision, but says “Ameen” to relatives making dua for kids. Am I sinning and being selfish?

Answer

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. The short answer is yes. You are being selfish and potentially sinning by refusing to give your husband children. He has every right to leave you, and this is valid grounds for divorce.

 

Children

The benefits of having children are plentiful, some of them being: they give you a new perspective on your priorities, they teach you about yourself, they help bond your marriage, they bring out the best (and worst) in you, and generally things change and improve in one’s life from the blessing of a child.

The religious virtues of having children are great, including the fact that a child who prays for you after you are gone will be a continual charity for you. Please see those details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/the-virtues-of-having-children/

The Prophetic command was to have many children so that he, Allah bless him and grant him peace, could boast about our numbers on the Day of Judgment. Raising a child to believe in Allah and His Messenger is no light matter and it should be the goal of every logical or intellectual Muslim parent.

 

Inadequate

As for your feelings of inadequacy, rest assured that we are all in the same boat. None of us is perfect, and most parents pray to Allah that He guides them to be the best people they can be and to protect them from every harm. If you feel that your mental health should be diagnosed or if you need medication, please consult a medical professional. It is important to deal with that in the correct way.

The situation that you describe with your husband seems to me to be the perfect fit for parenthood. You can be the logical one that leads the way and sets their goals, and your husband can be the one who does the heavy lifting of their physical care. If you are both happy with this arrangement and agree to it, then I feel that you should proceed.

 

Pray and Learn

As usual with any big decision, pray Istikhara and ask Allah to open your heart to this idea if that is what He really wants from you. Communicate to Him about your shortcomings and ask him to help you overcome them and send you that which will make your family whole and committed to Allah’s pleasure.
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/the-reality-of-istikhara-2/

Please take a course on raising children and basic fiqh to ensure that you are proceeding with full knowledge of your responsibilities and the rights of children. May Allah grant you children that will be the coolness of your eyes, a means of continual charity, and a reason for your eternal happiness.

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/absolute-essentials-of-islam-hanafi-getting-started-with-your-belief-and-practice/ 

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Does Not Finding a Suitable Partner Bring Wrath On One’s Father’s Grave?

Question: Assaalmu ‘alaykum. I have been informed by some family members that a Muslim who cannot find a suitable partner will bring wrath on their father’s grave and cause sin on their parents? Is this true? I would like your Islamic point of view on this. Is it a requirement in Islam to marry, and would you and your parents be punished if you do not?

Answer:

Wa ‘aalykum assalam wa rahmatulah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

No, this is not true. Whoever said this is trying to manipulate you by concocting a lie about the din.

 

The Rulings On Marriage

In Islam, it is generally a sunna to get married. This under normal circumstances. However, if someone does not have strong physical urges and can continue single without compromising their din with zina, then it is permissible for them to not marry. Although, marriage is superior.

In the same way, if someone will end up in zina or a haram relationship if they do not marry them, marriage is obligatory for them to marry. Marriage is impermissible for someone who will wrong his or her spouse. So, there is no blanket ruling for all situations, but the default is that it is a strongly emphasized sunna. (Ibn ‘Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar)

 

All Matters Are Decreed

Do not let the comments upset you. All matters are decreed by Allah. Sometimes, it takes a while for the right person to come, and sometimes, they come but marriage does not take place until much later. Be confident that Allah has a plan, and it is the best-case scenario for you. Your parents will not be sinful. They have done nothing wrong here.

May Allah grant you an excellent spouse with whom your din, dunya, and akhira flourish. Amin.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

Can a Woman Work If There Is Too Much Financial Pressure On the Husband?

Question: We know that Allah has appointed the husbands to earn for their family, and it is His mercy that he has not obliged this on women. Today, with so much expense, if a single person is to feed a large family, it creates a lot of pressure on the individual. This stress is then exhibited with bad behavior with one’s children and those around him. Can women work alongside their husbands, and is permission necessary?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

 

She Can Work

Thank you for your question. It is permissible for a woman to work to help out her husband financially, and his permission is required.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/women-the-workplace-is-it-impermissible-for-me-to-work-even-if-i-observe-proper-limits/

 

Family Budget

However, my initial reaction is not that a woman should start working in order to take the pressure off of the husband but should start with creating a better family budget. There are budget and productivity gurus out there, and I have learned that one can live a very happy lifestyle with financial freedom, by simply being smart about money. Please learn from this expert:
https://budgetbootcamp.com/
https://productivitybootcamp.com/

 

Start With Part-Time

If after this, one feels that she should still work, perhaps she can start with a part-time job, at home if possible, and decide how to proceed from there. May Allah give you tawfiq and success in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Masters and Millennials: The Importance of Teaching One’s Family

The Importance of Teaching One’s Family

The Obligations and How to Fulfill Them by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

This is the tenth part of a series of articles that are based on al-Fawa’id al-Mukhtarah, one of the seminal works of the great scholar al-Habib Zayn bin Sumayt. The book focuses on a range of topics relevant to daily life and modern challenges for Muslims living in the West. This article is a summary of the tenth episode of the podcast – The Masters and Millennials by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan. What kind of importance does teaching our spouses and our children Islam have? This article addresses this question and presents an example from our scholars on how to teach our children. This article also discusses what we should be teaching our children.


In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

What is the importance of teaching our family?

Teaching our family is fulfilling Allah’s command

Allah Most High said: “O those who believe, save yourselves and your families from a blazing fire” (Qur’an, 66:6). Sayyidina Ali (Allah be pleased with him), commenting on this verse, said “Teach yourself and teach your families good. Good is that which will save them from the fire of Hell.” Ibn ‘Abbas commented as follows on the same verse: “Grant them knowledge of fiqh and teach them in general and instill adab (good conduct) in them.” Teaching ourselves and our families Islam is no less than a command from Allah.

 

The Prophet warns against leaving one’s family ignorant

Habib Zayn bin Sumayt dedicates a chapter to teaching families and children under the broader theme of da‘wah. In it he refers to a hadith that Imam Ghazzali mentions in Ihya ‘Ulum al-Din: “No one meets Allah with a sin greater than the ignorance of his family.” We should know, then, that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) has emphasized the importance of teaching one’s family.

 

Teaching is the parent’s responsibility towards the child

Habib Ahmad bin Umar bin Sumayt said that, like children showing kindness and respect to their parents, parents must also show kindness and respect to their children. It is compulsory for both children and parents to do so. The best way for a parent to do this is to teach the child and grant it a proper upbringing.

A hadith of Sayyidina Umar provides support for this. A man complained to Sayyidina Umar that his son was disobedient, so Sayyidina ‘Umar called the son and took him to task for his disobedience. The child asked whether the child also has rights over his parents. Sayyidina Umar replied, “Yes, indeed.” The child asked what those rights are, so he said they are that the father selects a good mother for the child, that he chooses a good name for him, and that he teaches him the Qur’an. The child said his father had not done any of those things. His mother was a fire-worshipper, and his father had given him the name of a bug or a beetle, and he had never taught him a word of the Qur’an. So Sayyidina ‘Umar said to the father, “You have come to me complaining about the crimes of your son. You have wronged him before he could have wronged you, and you have done badly to him before he could have done harm to you.”

 

Examples from the Lives of the Scholars

The Haba’ib give us examples. They are men of our time from whom we can draw guidance and light. Shaykh Muhammad al-Majdub said his father nurtured him. When he was a young boy his father said at the beginning of a month, “Bring me the book of Allah.” So he did so, and his father said, “You must take a covenant with me over this book that you will not be disobedient to Allah for the whole month.” He thought a month of obedience would be easy, so he took the covenant with his father and he fulfilled it. The next month his father asked him to take another covenant, and he fulfilled that. His father continued doing this every month until he was raised to never disobey Allah, until a door connecting him to the Prophet opened, and he met him in a conscious state. His relationship with the Prophet reached the stage that, whatever he did in life, he did through the Prophet’s instruction and guidance.

 

What to Teach our Children

We should begin their education with “la illaha illa Allah,” and our children are never too young for us to teach them the recitation of the Qur’an. We should also teach them the remembrance (salawat). It is very easy to do so. We can also play qasa’id (odes mentioning Allah and the Prophet’s names) so that the children will quickly become accustomed to the names of Allah and the Prophet. Then we should teach them how to read Arabic and recite and memorize the Qur’an.

Thereafter, we should teach them du‘as. A good reference point is The Glorious Treasure by Sayyidi Habib Umar. It contains many supplications. If we are able to teach our children these supplications, we will have done a great thing. This is the best way to call our children to Allah.

The next useful text is al-Risalah al-Jami‘ah by Ahmad bin Zayn al-Habshi, translated as “The Essentials of Islam.” It covers the essentials in Shafi’i fiqh that every Muslim should know. For Hanafis, there is the text by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, The Absolute Essentials of Islam.

 

Conclusion

To conclude, we should call our children and family to Allah before becoming a scholar and a caller to Allah outside the home. If we teach our children to this level mentioned previously, we will have complied with our compulsory duty to teach our children the deen.

 

 

Author’s Biography

Al-Habib Zayn bin Sumayt is a member of the Prophet’s family. His lineage goes through many pious forebears, such as al-Faqih al-Muqqadam and al-Imam Ahmad bin ʻIsa al-Muhajir, through Sayyidina Husayn to the Prophet Muhammad. He is an authority on Shafi’i fiqh and tasawwuf. From a young age, he sat in the company of the pious and studied with various scholars and institutes. His most senior teacher was Habib ‘Alawi bin ‘Abd Allah bin ‘Aydarus bin Shihab. He was also taught by Habib Ja‘far bin Ahmad al-‘Aydarus and Habib Muhammad bin Salim bin Hafiz. Habib Zayn taught the Islamic sciences in Bayda’ for thirty years. Thereafter he moved to Madinah and opened a ribat that attracted many students before it was forced to close. He was very attached to his wife, as our beloved Prophet was to Sayyidah Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her), and was saddened when she passed away a few years ago.

 

I’ve Fallen in Love for a Girl and How Should I Proceed Islamically to Get Married?

Question: I’ve fallen for a girl that I’ve known for a long time. How should I proceed Islamically given that I am not currently in a position to get married?

Answer: 

Falling in love is perfectly normal and halal. Before contacting her directly, you should have someone else run the idea past her, and then have the family talk. It is not a good idea to increase the heartache by jumping into something that may not work out as you wish.

Baraka comes with things done purely for the sake of Allah. As much as you can, turn away from the girl in your heart and turn it solely to Allah. Seek that He be content with you, and you will find everything facilitated for you.

‘Keep to what Allah wants from you, and He will look out for you. Keep to what Allah wants from you, and you will find Him in front of you’ (Tirmidhi and others).

Please see:

Etiquette of Marriage: A Comprehensive SeekersHub Reader
Talk about Islam with Shaykh Hamza Karamali (Episode 3) – What is True Love?

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Do I Have to Name All My Heirs as Beneficiaries to My Pension?

Question:

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

My husband and I had our shariah-compliant Will drawn up a few months ago. We have only one child, a daughter who is 11 years old. My husband has to submit the beneficiary details for his Pension Fund to his work. He wants to put my name as the sole beneficiary. However, I’m concerned this would not fall into being Sharia-compliant? 

It’s a government pension so we also not sure what the implications are if we choose the estate option.

I would really appreciate guidance on what is permissible in this regard.

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

I pray you are well.

It’s fine to only have yourself as the named beneficiary to keep things simple, as long as your daughter receives her rightful share of the inheritance. If neither of his parents are around then you would inherit 1/8th and the rest would go to your daughter (Quduri, Matan al Quduri).

Besides that, there are no other Shari’a stipulations beyond “Indeed Allah commands you to give rights to those who they belong to” (Qur’an, 4:58).

May Allah grant you the best of both worlds.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

What is the Ruling of Giving One’s Child Two Last Names?

Question: Assalam Alaykum, Is it permissible for a Muslim mom to give also her last name to her children so that the children have double last name: the last name of the father and the last name of the mother. Is it permissible in Islam to carry both your father’s and mother’s last name?

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

It is not impermissible to give your child a double last name. This is because the only prohibition in this matter is that the lineage of the child not be altered. If the child’s name were (for example) ‘Abdullah Siraj the son of Zayd Siraj and was changed to ‘Abdullah son of Zubayr. This would be impermissible as this is deception in the lineage.

This is not the case with the modern concept of last names which are frequently family names and not the specific name of the child’s father as was the case in the past.

Hope this helps
Allahu A’alam

[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a graduate from Tarim; a student of Habib Umar and other luminaries; and authorized teachers of the Qur’an and the Islamic sciences.

Is It Permissible for a Muslim Woman to Marry Without Parental Consent?

Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Weltch

Question: Is it permissible for a Muslim girl to marry without parental consent if she fears to commit fornication (Zina)?

Answer: In The Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate

May Allah bless you for your question and we ask Allah to ease your difficulty

It Being Valid Doesn’t Make It Right

If one fears committing fornication and is certain that there is no way to refrain from it except through marriage it is then obligatory for such a person to marry. (al-Durr al-Mukhtar) However, you should not take the matter into your own hands and get married without parental approval. Even though the marriage of a mature free Muslim woman without consent from her guardian is valid [al-Durr al-Mukhtar], it is not advisable.

In such a situation, you need to be very candid with your parents. Explain to them the difficulty which you find yourself in and your need to get married.

Lack of Familial Support

Even though you may see quickly getting married as a solution to your difficulty, marrying without parental consent may have life long repercussions that you may regret later. Marriage is not just a union between two individuals, rather it is a union of families. To have familial support throughout your marriage is central to having a happy household; this is especially true when children are involved.

The Prayer of Need

Whenever we find our selves in difficulty, we should train ourselves to turn to Allah, Most High for help. The prayer of need is a prayer that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) taught us. See the below link for the details.

https: How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?

Prevention

In the meantime, you should try to find and refrain from anything or situation which will increase any sexual desires. Refrain from places that exacerbate your feelings. Try to keep away from looking at anything that will increase your desires. If you find using the computer or the phone stirs up your desires then you should limit their usage and only use them in public spheres. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever seeks chastity, Allah will grant it to them.” [al-Bukhari]

Speak to your parents and beseech Allah to help you. We pray that Allah blesses you with a righteous spouse and eases all your difficulties.

Ameen

Allah A’alam

[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a graduate from Tarim; a student of Habib Umar and other luminaries; and authorized teachers of the Qur’an and the Islamic sciences.

Is It Permissible for a Woman to Travel Accompanied by Her Young Son?

Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Weltch

Question: Is it permissible for a woman to travel accompanied by her young son?

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

Conditions of a Chaperone

It is permissible for you to travel with your 12-year-old son. A woman must travel either with her spouse or non-marriageable kin (mahram) who is trustworthy, mature (i.e. reached puberty), and of sound intellect. The pre-pubescent child is allowed as well, like the mature. [al-Hadiyah al-Alaiyah]

The Age of a Pre-Pubescent Child

A male child is considered pre-pubescent (murahiq) when he reaches 12 years of age. This is because 12 is the earliest age that a boy can reach puberty. [al-Hadiyah al-Alaiyah]

Hope this helps
Allahu A’alam

[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a graduate from Tarim; student of Habib Umar and other luminaries; and authorized teachers of Qur’an and the Islamic sciences.

Dealing Problems With Abusive Father

Answered by Shaykh 

Question: I’m a woman who lives with both parents and siblings home. My dad has sexually abused me for 13 long years without my mom knowing. Do I have any right to leave my parents’ home and never speak to my dad again?

Answer: Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

Dear sister, I pray Allah gives you a quick release from these difficulties you have endured. The difficulty of the situation and the burden of the secret must have been unbearable.

You have every right to leave your parents’ home; in fact, you must. You need to take all the steps to get yourself out of harm’s way, as living in such an environment is clearly very harmful to you.

Allah Hates Oppression

The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and give him peace, quoted Allah Almighty Himself to have said, “Truly, I have made it forbidden on myself to wrong anyone; and I have made it severely forbidden for you! So do not oppress each other!“ (Muslim)

Allah hates oppression, and it is necessary for you to end this cycle by moving away to your new school. This will prevent the continuation of this problem.

When you are ready, you need to discuss this matter with your mother. Do not break ties with her due to your father’s actions. She must know, as there are legal ramifications to this situation too. Also, if he has been secretly doing this to you all these years, it is very likely that there have been other victims.

If he’s managed to keep it a secret from your mother, it’s possible that you could have kept other similarly vile acts a secret. Even if there aren’t any other females he has access to, it needs to be brought up: some younger males could be in danger too.

Distance Yourself

At this point, you need to get out of harm’s way and focus on healing. I don’t advise you to go near your father again for the foreseeable future. The scars you have will take a long time to heal. You will need a lot of therapy and a supportive company to move beyond this.

This is a safeguarding issue, and it should be reported to the authorities. Usually, it is the silence of the victims that emboldens people like this to prey on others. This may even be in his own interests to prevent him from further harm to others.

Supplication

Keep supplicating to Allah for a way out, healing, and for you and your loved ones to stay safe. In the Qur’an, Allah commands us to be excellent to our parents (Qur’an, 17:23). The wording indicates that they deserve this just for being the means of entering this world.

Putting up with harm, and restraining yourself from a bad response are both forms of excellence. If things do get out don’t you yourself think that you are being bad, and don’t let anyone else convince you of that either. I’d say you’ve shown plenty of excellence through these all these years, to both of your parents.

Find Support

Find someone who can support you through this and take the necessary steps. Don’t think about cutting ties or anything right now. The priority is to get away and heal. Things may get worse before they get better.

You don’t have to go near him, nor do you have to speak to him at this point. In fact, it’s better you don’t.

As a closing thought, I’d say that such tests are not given to everyone. They are very hard, and the pain may seem unbearable, but the gifts Allah has in store for you will be infinite and unimaginable great. Have a daily dose of reminders on patience and fortitude, and this seminar may be useful on your journey to healing. Get professional help.

May Allah take very special care of you. Amin.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with erudite scholars such as Shaykh Adnan Darwish, Shaykh Abdurrahman Arjan, Shaykh Hussain Darwish, and Shaykh Muhammad Darwish. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic with teachers such as Dr. Ashraf Muneeb, Dr. Salah Abu’l-Hajj, Dr. Hamza al-Bakri, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, Dr. Mansur Abu Zina, and others. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Qur’anic recital by Shakh Samir Jabir and Shaykh Yahya Qandil. With Shaykh Ali, he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Qur’anic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.