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My Mother Is Having an Extra-Marital Affair. What Should I Do?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My mother is having an extra-marital affair and is having zina with that person. What should I do, as in Islam, children are not allowed to say a word to their parent. Should I say something to her or just pray to Allah for her guidance?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for my delay.

Affair

I am deeply sorry to hear that your mother is having an extra-marital affair. This must be incredibly heartbreaking for you. I pray that Allah grants you the wisdom and guidance to deal with this tribulation.

Parents

It is reported on the authority of ‘Abdullah that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) observed: The best of’ the deeds or deed is the (observance of) prayer at its proper time and kindness to the parents. [Sahih Muslim]

I strongly encourage you to enrol in the SeekersHub course Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents. This will give you a solid foundation on how to interact with your mother, even under better circumstances. In short, it is sinful to disrespect your mother by raising your voice, belittling her, or other forms of rude behaviour. It is not disrespectful for you to calmly and gently speak about how worried you are about her.

Consider

You know your mother best. Will speaking to her lead to her actually leaving her sin? Or will it potentially create a rift between the two of you? Is there anyone else you could confide in, who could actually influence her? If you do approach someone, ensure that it is someone trustworthy, who will not disclose your mother’s sin to anyone else.

Prayer

Reach out to Allah to turn your mother’s heart. Perform The Prayer of Need and ask Him to help her make a sincere repentance.

If you are unsure about how to best approach her, then please perform The Prayer of Guidance. Watch what Allah unfolds for you. For example, if He makes it easy for you to speak to her about this, then that is a sign that it is better for you to bring it up. On the other hand, if it is too difficult for you to bring this up to her, then that may be a sign that it is better for you to leave it.

Writing

If it is difficult for you to speak to her, perhaps you can write her a letter. Start with stating how much you love her, then list how concerned you are about her affair and appeal to her conscience, then end it with more affirmations of your love for her.

Responsibility

Allah Most High says: “And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.” [35:18, Qur’an]

Please remember that your mother is an adult, and she alone will answer for her choices. Her decisions may wound you, but you are not responsible for them. Please do not blame yourself. It is up to her to decide the path that is pleasing to Allah. Nobody can force her.

Self-care

Please look after yourself during this time. Know that there is no shame in seeking out support from a culturally-sensitive counsellor, psychologist or therapist. You need to process your feelings of anger, grief and betrayal.

Keep up a daily spiritual practice of dua/awrads to keep you nourished and grounded, alongside exercise, a healthy diet, and mindfulness. Sit in the company of people who remind you of Allah. Draw strength from SeekersHub’s collection of scholarly podcasts and lesson sets.

Patience

Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that a person said: Allah’s Messenger, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).” [Sahih Muslim]

This may be very difficult for you to hear, but even though your mother is committing a major sin, she is still your mother, and deserving of your love and dua. She is especially in need of your dua because of her trial.

Extra-marital affairs are often the result of long-term unhappiness, discontent and disconnection from Allah. It may take a long time for your mother to find her way back, unless Allah wills. Consider this an exercise of building your patience and compassion.

I pray that Allah brings about the best possible outcome for you and your mother.

Please see:

Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Fear Falling Into Sin With a Young Woman. What Can I Do?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I fear falling into sin with a young woman. What can I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Marriage

You and this young woman have made your choices, and now it is time for both of you to take responsibility. You have two choices – either get married, or end your relationship.

Doing a marriage course is praiseworthy, but it is only the beginning of your preparation. You describe yourself as being mentally and emotionally ready for marriage. Is she? Are you financially ready for marriage?

Practical steps

What is your plan for nikah, and after it? Have you completed your studies? If not, are you able to work part-time while studying, and earn enough to support yourself and your future wife? Where will you live? Can you afford to pay rent?

If you cannot afford to live on your own, will you be living with your family? Will your future wife be happy with that? Alternatively, if she wants her privacy, is she willing to work and contribute to your living expenses, even though her financial upkeep is your obligation and responsibility? These are some of the important questions you will need to ask yourselves.

To give yourself better practical solutions, I strongly encourage you both to read and apply what you learn in this book: Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples.

Practical steps

You need to consider a few different things:

1) Her family: You describe them as being unhappy about her Islam. It is important for you to tread carefully here. Try your very best to maintain good ties with her family. As much as possible, it would be better for you to win her family over. Technically, because her father is not Muslim, then you do not need his consent in order to marry her. However, it is far better for you to marry her with her family’s blessings, than without it. This effort that you put in before nikah will pay off, inshaAllah.

2) Her wali/guardian: I suggest that you find a trustworthy, wise and kind community elder who can take on this role.

3) Your family: How happy will your family be about you getting married to the young woman you have in mind? Do they have certain cultural expectations of your future bride, for example? All families do, to some extent. You must begin persuading them from now, with wisdom, gentleness and respect.

4) Gender interaction rules: It is important that you make an effort to reduce the time you spend with each other, until you are actually married. Please make an effort to meet in public, preferably chaperoned. Once your families, or at least yours, are involved, then it will be easier.

Reality

It was narrated from Ibn Abbas that the Messenger of Allah said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

If it is written for you, then I pray that this marriage will be a blessing and joy for both of you.

That being said, I advise you to put in great effort to win over your family and hers, for your long-term happiness. The arrival of grandchildren softens hearts, but it is far better for both of you to be on good terms with your respective families before that happens.

When you are young, it may seem that love is enough. However, the pressures that come from an isolated young wife and/or a financially strained husband can wreak havoc on a new marriage.

Converts

The first years of marriage, especially the first year, is a tremendous adjustment. In many ways, it can be harder on converts, because they often lack family support and the cultural knowledge about how to best interact with their in-laws. Please be patient with each other, and please always be on her side. Many things in your family are second nature to you (the food you eat, the titles you call your elder family members etc), but it is most likely very new to her. It will be a steep learning curve, there will be many mistakes, and these are all opportunities for you to grow closer to each other.

Equally, these differences can also cause you both to pull away from each other. It is a choice you will both make. Communicating well with each other is a lifelong skill.

Manage Conflict: The Six Skills
Dr. Gottman’s 3 Skills (and 1 Rule!) for Intimate Conversation

I pray that Allah blesses you with marriage if it is good for your deen, dunya and akhirah.

Please see:

Marrying a Convert Without Parental Approval
The Muslim Marriage Crisis – A Frank Conversation with Imam Zaid Shakir
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

How to Deal With a Wife Revealing an Illicit Sexual Relationship Before the Marriage?

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Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

What should a husband do when his wife reveals that, before he married her, she had a ‘physical relationship’ (direct quote) outside a marriage, which she is ‘ashamed of’?

Answer: Assalam ‘alaykum. Jazakum Allah khayr for reaching out to us.

In any situations where the details become overwhelmingly complex, it is useful to strip down the scenario to its core issues and focus on the practical solutions available.

From what I can gather from your detailed explanation is that the real issues lie in whether the husband can now remain married without the issue of previous relationships haunting him and surfacing time to time, and whether the couple can resolve their marital intimacy concerns.

Previous physical relationships and ‘marriages’

Given what has been said, the wife’s insistence on honesty and her final response that there was no previous nikah, this suffices for the marriage to be valid if the husband believes her to be telling the truth.

If he does not believe her, then the usual process would be to establish the facts through a legal court, which involves the wife swearing an oath to such an affect, or questioning the guardian and witnesses etc. [‘Iyanat al Talibin]

It seems what has happened is that the wife obviously made a mistake in telling the husband about past relationships, albeit to explain the medical issue, then tried to make amends by putting the past relationship into a ‘lawful’ context to avoid being judged, and then finally wanted to clear the air and be honest in that a physical relationship had previously taken place outside of marriage. She has said she has made her repentance and regrets what happened, so on her side, it does not seem that there is anything left for her to do or say.

The real issue here is how the husband is going to move on. He has to be honest and ask himself whether he can truly move on from this and not let what he knows to eat away at the marriage, and not become a source of misery for them both. If he feels resentment and jealousy and that he may use this to remind his wife of her past and cause her hurt, then he must consider whether it is fair to continue in the marriage. If they both agree to not mention the past and are able to move on, then all they have to focus on is their own intimacy issues.

Sexual Abuse

Despite any natural feelings he may have as a husband, he should do his best to be gentle and considerate to the wife, no matter the outcome to the marriage. Most of us will never know the torment, guilt, helplessness, and confusion that a victim of sexual abuse will experience, especially if it happens at such a tender age. Though certainly not always, it is not unusual for sexual abuse victims to be involved in physical relationships later on in life, or equally, avoid sexual situations all together. Trust and honesty in relationships, on many levels, is also a key issue for victims of abuse.

The fact that the wife turned to the religion for guidance, comfort and hope is a great blessing and a sign that Allah wanted good for her, so this should be treated carefully. If they choose to continue in the marriage, then the husband should take great care not to use what he knows as a reason to inflict subtle forms of abuse on her.

Medical Care

If they both decide to continue in the marriage, then I highly recommend that the wife seeks natural medical treatments for her condition, especially given that she was sexually abused, as holistic therapies take into account the emotional-psychological aetiology of symptoms as well as the physical manifestations. From a holistic medical perspective, it seems an obvious assumption that the vaginismus is directly related to the wife’s past experiences and trauma, but of course, this would need proper medical assessment.

I suggest the couple seek out a qualified and experienced homeopath or trauma therapist. This may be coupled with general marriage counselling.

I pray that Allah Most High brings ease and clarity to their situation, and peace to their hearts and lives.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

Am I Allowed to Hit My Father If He Continues to Commit Major Sins?

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Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

It’s been almost 10 years that my father is committing fornication but I cannot found any way to get him on track.

Am I allowed to hit my father if he continues to commit this sin?

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. I pray you’re well insha’Allah. May Allah make your affairs easy.

While your father’s actions are wrong, it will not be permissible to raise your hands to your father. Instead, you must seek peaceful ways to guide him. If he will not listen after this, then you must accept that he bears responsibility for his own actions. Families can only do what is in their control, and then leave the rest to Allah.

Suggestions

1. Your father may be more likely to listen to someone of his own age. Seek out a reliable confidant, such as a community elder or the local Imam, that you can speak to and ask them to speak to your father.

2. If you father is not willing to listen to anyone, then all that remains is for you to continue to make du’a to Allah to change your father’s ways and guide him. You are not asked to do beyond what is in your ability. At the same time, do not cut your father off. You can disapprove and make clear your position towards his behaviour without severing ties. When you see him, be kind to him, yet also be cautious and do not permit him to take advantage of any kindness, such as asking for money to fuel his habit.

3. Pray the Prayer of Need (Salatul Haja), and recite the following supplication much,

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ

‘O’ Turner of the hearts, keep my hearts firm on your religion.* [Al Tirmidhi]

*Change the word قَلْبِى (my heart) to قَلْبِهِ (his heart) to refer to your father.

May Allah guide your father and bring peace to your family.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

How Do I End a Sinful Relationship Without Breaking His Heart?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am in a sinful relationship with a young man, and we have fallen to the point of major zina. I just want to end this relationship and wait for him until he is ready to marry me.

I don’t know how to tell him. How to do this and tell him without breaking his heart?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Heartbreak

I am afraid that there is no other way for you to end this relationship. It will break his heart, and it will yours, but this is the wisest thing you can do for both of you.

As far as the Shari’ah is concerned, he is a stranger to you. You do not owe him a gentle apology or a tender goodbye. Keep your farewell brief and succinct. If you do not trust yourself enough to keep your cool in person, then end this via different means. Consider a phonecall or email.

Marriage

Dear sister, please trust that your marriage is already ordained for you. Your husband may or may not be this young man you are already involved in.

When you are young, clouded by emotion, and torn by guilt, you may feel that the only way to make this right is by marrying the young man you have sinned with. Please know that this is not the only way.

I strongly encourage you to read this book – Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples. After reading it, and after enough time has elapsed, I want you to reflect on whether or not you wish to

When you are ready, please Perform the Prayer of Guidance about whether or not this young man is truly the best husband for you.

Repentance

Narrated Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The adulterer is not a believer while he is committing adultery, and the thief is not a believer while he is stealing, but there is a chance for repentance; (if he repents, Allah will accept the repentance).” [Tirmidhi]

Please commit to a serious repentance and make good to your Islam. Consider this a fresh start to your life, and a promising beginning to deeper growth and closeness to Allah. You were created to know Him, and to be of service to Him through service to creation. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I pray that your heart heals through the remembrance of Allah and obedience to Him.

Pay back anything else you owe to Allah, whether it be prayers or fasts. Wake up in the last third of the night and beg Allah for forgiveness, strength and guidance. Read more Qur’an. Please consider enrolling in an course on SeekersHub, and/or listening to our podcasts and lesson sets. Nourish and strengthen your heart through connecting to Allah through these means.

I pray that Allah gifts you with a beautiful and complete repentance, a righteous and loving husband, and most of all, love and closeness to Him.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Do Unlawful Relationships Deprive One of Faith?

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Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I have read that a muslim gets deprived of his faith when he is involved in fornication. Can I get deprived my faith if I kiss and touch a girl?

Answer:Wa’alaykum assalam. Thank you for your question.

Major and minor sins, including zina, do not deprive one of faith. Disobedience to God can however decrease one’s faith, in the same way obedience to God can increase one’s faith [Jawharat al Tawhid].

Works and Faith

Faith is not only linked to belief but also acts and states. This is evident from the words of the Prophet ﷺ, ‘Faith has seventy-odd branches, the most virtuous of which is La ilaha illallah (there is none worthy of worship except Allah) and the least of which is removing something harmful from the road. And modesty (Al-Haya’) is a branch of faith.’ [Muslim]

Persistence in sin leads to the ruining of the soul. A brand new, unstained shirt, is not the same as a stained shirt that has to be washed, and a repeatedly soiled and used shirt, even if washed multiple times, is not the same as a shirt that is new, or washed once. Such is our heart and soul, the less we soil it, the more innocent and pure it remains, and the same applies to our faith. The more we increase in obedience, the stronger and purer our faith becomes.

The Power of Repentance

Through God’s infinite Mercy, the door of repentance is always open, and the chance to make amends and start afresh is always there. Each time we make sincere repentance, the sin is washed away and we start anew, albeit with a lesson learnt, insha’Allah.

Genuine repentance means that one:

1. Is truly repentant for their wrong doing
2. That they pray two cycles of prayer followed by sincere supplication
3. That they desist from the sin (meaning stop all contact with the other person in this case)
4. That they resolve not to return to the sin

I urge you to make tawba, and then work on increasing your faith through good works, fulfilling your obligations, and learning about the religion.

May Allah increase you and us in faith until it is complete.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

When I Was Pregnant, I Slept With Two Different Men. Do I Need to Confess That?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I slept with two different men because I never thought my boyfriend and I would end up together. If I confess to him, he will never forgive me. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Concealing Sin

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, “All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah’s covering from themselves in the morning.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

Dear sister, please do not confess anything to the father of your child. Make good on your repentance by burying this, and never speak of this to anyone. It is obligatory for you to hide your sins, especially one that could bring harm to you and your daughter.

Please refer to this article: Can We Deny Having Committed Sins After We’ve Repented From Them?

Repentance

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “If you were to commit sin until your sins reach the heaven, then you were to repent, your repentance would be accepted.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Allah wants everlasting good for you. The door of repentance is wide open for you, and continues to be, until you depart from this dunya. Never despair in the mercy of Allah.

Marriage

Are you married to the father of your child? I ask you this because it is important to establish the legitimacy of your daughter.

If your daughter was born out of wedlock, or prior to 6 months before wedlock, then she is considered illegitimate. If this is the case, then her father cannot be her wali when it is time for her to get married, and cannot inherit from him after his death. She is attributed to you, and can inherit from you.

When it is time for your daughter to marry, she has two options:

1) Tawliyah: appointing a man of integrity to act as her wali.

2) Tahkim: when she appoints, with her fiancé, as a she appoints, with her fiance, a scholar as an ad hoc judge to marry her off to her fiancé.

(Excerpt from: What Is the Process for Delivering a Proposal For Someone’s Hand In Marriage?)

Allah

What is your relationship with Allah like? I encourage you to study with SeekersHub, so that you can better ground yourself with your deen.

Introduction to Islam: What It Means to Be Muslim

In the meantime, please listen to podcasts such as Content of Character and The Rawha. Please use these resources as a means to strengthen your connection to Allah.

Daughter

Make dua for your daughter everyday. Ask Allah to guide her, protect her, and to make her amongst the foremost of the righteous. Strive to improve your own state so that you can nurture her well. Please refer to articles such as Raising Children with Deen and Dunya to guide you along. When registration reopens, please consider enrolling in the course How To Raise Righteous Children.

I pray that Allah draws you ever closer to Him, and makes obedience to Him a source of joy for you.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions AnsweredA Reader on Tawba (Repentance)

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Porn Is Big Business and Muslims Are Becoming Customers – Ustadh Amjad Tarsin

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Porn is big business and Muslims are far from immune to it. Ustadh Amjad Tarsin, Muslim Chaplain at the University of Toronto and teacher at SeekersHub Toronto, spends ten minutes reflecting on how he helps young people deal with it.

Resources for seekers

Cover photo by Johan Larsson. Our thanks to Quran Speaks for making this video available.

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Is It Permissible to Marry Someone Pregnant?

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Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: Assalam alaykum,

Is it permissible to marry someone pregnant?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmatuLlah,

Yes, it is permissible to contract a marriage with a lady who has been impregnated unlawfully through fornication. However, sexual intercourse during the pregnancy would only be permitted in the case that the fornicator is now the husband. If the husband is another man, they would need to avoid such relations until after birth because of the interdiction of mixing between the sperm of different men, as per the traditions (hadith) found in Tirmidhi and elsewhere.

[Maydani, al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab (486)]

Please also see: Is it Prohibited to Marry Someone Guilty of Adultery/Fornication?

And Allah Most High alone knows best.

wassalam,
[Ustadh] Tabraze Azam

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Tabraze Azam was born and raised in Ipswich, England, a quiet town close to the east coast of England. His journey for seeking sacred knowledge began when he privately memorized the entire Qur’an in his hometown at the age of 16. He also had his first experience in leading the tarawih (nightly-Ramadan) prayers at his local mosque. Year after year he would continue this unique return to reciting the entire Quran in one blessed month both in his homeland, the UK, and also in the blessed lands of Shaam, where he now lives, studies and teaches.

Photo: Peter Dahlgren

"I’m Married To A Sex Addict" – 5 Tips on Moving Forward

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In this guest column for SeekersHub, Danielle Adams from Lifestar Therapy offers advice to couples dealing with pornography and sex addiction.

Pornography and sexual addiction is a complicated issue, especially if you’re married to someone who is struggling with this fixation. You’ve probably felt shocked, angered, depressed, and resentful over your spouse’s problem. That’s normal. However, there are things you can do to help yourself move past the hurt and into a better place emotionally.
Follow these five tips to learn how you can improve your relationship, move toward forgiveness, and start feeling more love for yourself and your marriage.
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1. Acknowledge the Addiction

When secrets are kept and problems aren’t acknowledged, distrust and fear will develop within a relationship. Before the healing process can begin, you and your spouse both need to recognize and admit that (a) there is an addiction, and (b) that relational distress is one of the many consequences of that addiction.

2. Get Help

Addiction isn’t something your spouse can just “get over.” Seek answers to your questions and get the support you need from a professional marriage therapist, a spiritual leader or trusted friend, and a support group. They can help you more fully understand how and why sex addiction starts, help you through your emotional trauma, and get you and your spouse on the path to recovery.

3. Invest in Yourself

Resist the urge to dwell on the unfortunate circumstances you now find yourself in. Instead, take this time to invest more fully into yourself. Write down some recovery or spiritual goals to work toward, serve others who are in need of help or support, enjoy healthy eating and exercising, and distract yourself with a new, fun hobby.
By focusing on your own goals, you’ll be distracted from your difficult situation and will give yourself some much-needed, much-deserved positive attention. By having more love for yourself, it’ll be easier to have more love for your spouse.

4. Support One Another

One of the most important things you can do to support one another during this trying time is to have full and open communication. Talk non-aggressively about feelings and struggles, trials and triumphs. Listen with an open heart and allow yourself to feel love and empathy.
You may also want to set clear physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual boundaries regarding your spouse’s behaviors and actions that might make you feel uncomfortable. By setting and keeping these boundaries, your spouse will be able to start earning your trust once again and you will have some control over how the situation affects you and your family.

5. Look Forward

There’s no need to continually dwell on the actions and mistakes of the past. It’s an ugly trap that you don’t want to find yourself residing in, keeping you miserable. By looking forward, together, each day will get a little easier. Recommit to rebuild trust, improve communication, and focus on the bright future of your marriage. Some days will be more difficult than others, but with time and patience, healing can be achieved and you will once again feel whole.

Resources for seekers

Cover photo by Johan Larsson