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I Am Getting to Know a Man for Marriage, but He Tells His Mother Everything. How Should I Proceed?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am a very private person getting to know a man for marriage, but he tells his mother and friends everything we talk about, and he is easily persuaded by them. How should I proceed?

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Change

A good general rule is that people do not change after marriage, unless they are motivated to.

I am concerned that you are deeply private, yet are considering marriage to someone who does not know how to keep your confidence. Additionally, it sounds like he does not have the strength of character to make up his own mind. A husband is not only a companion, but he is also the leader of your household. These qualities do not bode well for a healthy and happy marriage.

So many marriages are troubled by interfering in-laws, or by spouses who have weak resolve. The fact that you have prior warning is a blessing. Choose wisely. Accept reality, and work with it, instead of fighting against it.

Communication

Please raise your concerns with your prospective husband after reading this helpful article Soften Your Startup.

If you find it difficult to do so on your own, then please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor for some pre-marital counselling.

Education

Please listen to this free downloadable lesson set, Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

When registration reopens, please enrol in and complete Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Istikhara

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times about how to proceed. If your heart softens towards him, or he shows commitment to change his ways, then that is your answer. If he does not see any problem with divulging personal information about you to his mother or his friends, then that is your answer.

In the end, this is your decision to make. I urge you to listen to your istikhara, and approach this with a calm head and heart. May Allah grant you what is best in both this world and the next.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam.

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Want to Marry Someone With Excellent Character but Weakness in His Religion. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I want to marry someone with excellent character but weakness in his religion. He struggles with believing in certain principles of Islam, certain miracles mentioned in the Qur’an, and with the idea of Islamic prayer. What should I do?

Answer:
Assalam alaykum wa rahmatuLlahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out clarity on this issue.

Marriage

The Messenger of Allah said: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care of) one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be turmoil in the land and abounding discord.” [Tirmidhi]

The way of our deen is one of balance. AlhamduliLlah, it is praiseworthy that this young man has excellent character. However, that is not enough. Love is not enough, either, to sustain a successful Islamic marriage. It sounds like he lacks a basic understanding of the deen.

I encourage him to download this free lesson set titled Who Is Allah? When registration reopens, please encourage him to enroll in courses to help strengthen his belief, such as Being Muslim: A Clear Introduction to Islam.

I also encourage both of you to download the free lesson set titled Getting Married. When registration reopens, please enroll in Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life

Children

“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded.” [Qur’an, 66:6]

Marriage will have a tremendous impact on the trajectory of your life, and that of your unborn children. Please choose wisely. The father of your children will be their role model, for better or for worse. Make it easier on yourself. Marry someone whose heart is already inclined towards Allah and His Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace). This way, you will have a companion who also walks with you towards Allah, and who will encourage your children to do the same.

Moving forward

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times in order to help you decide what to do. Observe how events unfold. If this young man takes the time and effort to better understand Islam, then insha Allah marriage to him would be good for your dunya and akhirah. If he does not work on his deen, then marriage to him may bring you both tremendous heartache and difficulty in dunya and akhirah. The choice is yours. May Allah grant you what is best for you in both worlds.

Please see:
Can I Marry a Non-Practising Muslim Man?

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi‘i fiqh, Arabic, Sirah, Aqidah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajwid. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

My Friend Committed Fornication in the Past, and Wants to Tell Her Prospective Husband About It. Is This a Good Idea?

Important clarification: This page previously featured a photograph of a groom at his wedding, taken from Flickr Creative Commons. The image was used as a stock photograph. SeekersHub confirms that the individual featured in the photograph and his family bear no relation whatsoever to the subject matter addressed here. Our sincere apologies for the confusion and upset caused.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: One of my friends committed fornication with someone. Now her family is searching for a groom for her. She wants to tell her future husband that she has committed fornication because she feels that it is wrong to live a lie. What should she do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for having sincere concern for your friend.

Exposing sin

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Every one of my followers will be forgiven except those who expose (openly) their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allah has covered for him, and in the morning, he would say (to people): “I committed such and such sin last night,’ while Allah had kept it a secret. During the night Allah has covered it up but in the morning he tears up the cover provided by Allah Himself.” [Bukhari and Muslim].

It is impermissible for your friend to expose her past sins to anyone. Alhamdulilah, her sincere repentance wipes her slate clean. She is not living a lie because the woman her future husband knows has been forgiven by Allah. She is not condemned because of her past mistakes. Shaytan wants us to despair in Allah’s Mercy.

Reality

Please tell her to not say anything to her future husband. This concept of ‘telling all’ goes against what Islam teaches us. Allah knows His creation. If she does confess her sin to her future husband, then she would run the risk of losing his trust.

Her feelings of guilt are a good sign, but exposing her sin will not relieve her heart. The conditions of a valid repentance are:

1. Leaving the sin;
2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
4. (If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]

[Excerpt from What is Sincere Repentance? By Shaykh Faraz Rabbani]

Moving forward

Salman reported that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Verily, Allah created on the same very day when He created the heavens and the earth, one hundred parts of mercy. Every part of mercy is coextensive with the space between the heaven. and the earth, and He, out of this mercy endowed one part to the earth; and it is because of this that the mother shows affection to her child, and even the beasts and birds show kindness to one another, and when there would be the Day of Resurrection, Allah would make full (use of Mercy)”. [Muslim]

Alhamdulilah for the Mercy of our Loving Creator, who forgives us when we return to Him.

Encourage your friend to guard her prayers, make continual istighfar, salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace), give in charity, and make continual shukr that Allah has blessed her with a second chance. Ask her to perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night and beg Allah to ease her heart and bless her with a beautiful marriage. This restlessness in her heart can only be cured by Allah, the Turner of hearts.

Please refer to the following link:
Informing a Prospective Spouse About Past Non-Marital Relationships
Can We Deny Having Committed Sins After We’ve Repented From Them?
A Reader on Repentance
What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani