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Honesty towards Parents and Future Wife

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil gives advice on being honest to one’s loved ones.

Question:

Should I tell my parents and friends how I met my wife? Let’s say it was through a mutual friend. Do they need to know?

Does my future wife needs to know if have broken my legs three times, or lets say I had three bouts of depression but I’m fully functional and working full time? Does she need to know?

Answer:

Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Parents’ Concern about Future Wife

Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Avoid suspicion for suspicion is the most lying form of talk. Do not be inquisitive about one another, or spy on one another.” (Sunan Abu Dawud)

Dear questioner, I recommend that you reassure your parents’ and friends by saying that you were introduced to your wife by mutual friends. Any parent would be concerned, because they would like to know the background about the person their child wants to marry.

If you do not tell them the truth, then they may jump to incorrect conclusions that would cast your future wife in a bad light. I encourage you to cut off any suspicion by being honest. You have done nothing wrong by meeting your future wife through mutual friends.

I do not know your background, but are you concerned because your family prefers marriages arranged with cousins? If they do, then prepare yourself for that and stay calm, firm and respectful.

Speaking about the Past

Anas bin Malik, may Allah be pleased with him, said: “The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah has appointed an angel in the womb, and the angel says, ‘O Lord! A drop of discharge [i.e. of semen], O Lord! a clot, O Lord! a piece of flesh.’ And then, if Allah wishes to complete the child’s creation, the angel will say. “O Lord! A male or a female? O Lord! wretched or blessed [in religion]? What will his livelihood be? What will his age be?’ The angel writes all this while the child is in the womb of its mother.” (Bukhari)

I invite you to reflect upon the question you have asked me. What would you like if your future wife were in your position?

I invite you to reflect upon the question you have asked me. What would you like if your future wife were in your position? I do encourage you to be honest with your future wife, and tell her that you have had depression in the past. Mental illness is becoming more and more prevalent in today’s world, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a tendency many of us have, because of past trauma and the complexities of our childhood in today’s fragmented world.

Marriage and then parenthood bring about stressors that may cause you to become depressed again. It is better for your future wife to know this, so you can work together as a team through that possibility. It is better for you to be vulnerable with your future wife, instead of pretending that everything is okay. 

If you do not tell her, marry her, and you become depressed again, then she will most likely feel betrayed. Trust that Allah will reward you for your honesty with her.

What are you afraid of? If you fear that she will not marry you because you have been honest about your past depression, then please know that she is not the right woman for you. The right spouse for you will accept and cherish you for all of your scars, because it is our scars that help to bring us closer to Allah. Trust that Allah has already destined the right wife for you, and your responsibility is to uphold excellent character. 

I pray that Allah grants you the courage, wisdom, and the gift of a loving marriage.

Please see Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

Wassalam,

Raidah

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Should I Inform My Potential Spouse That I Am a Carrier for a Genetic Disease?

Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: If one has a genetic disease or syndrome or is a carrier for a disabling disease or syndrome, then should they declare this to a potential spouse? Is the marriage valid if failing to do so?

Answer: assalamu alaykum

While this would not effect the validity of a marriage contract, there is an expectation of honesty and openness between the two potential spouses when it comes to issues of such nature.

This is particularly the case when it comes to diseases and conditions that (a) have a reasonable possibility of being transmitted to others, such as future offspring, (b) have a significant negative impact on the affected, and (c) are of the type that people generally wish disclosed. Thus, for example, disclosing that one’s family has a history of heart disease or diabetes in old age is not something that families generally care for. Similarly, one may possess certain gene combinations that lead to defects in offspring but the possibility of this actually occurring is only slight.

As such, you should look at the type of genetic disease and decide whether it is important to disclose it to a future spouse based on some considerations above. It may also be useful to consult a professional in regards to the transmission of this disease, its possibility, and so forth.

Salman

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

True Light: Lessons from the Trueness of Abu Bakr

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani shares stories from the life of the foremost of the Companions of the Beloved Messenger of Allah (peace & blessings be upon him & his folk), Abu Bakr al-Siddiq (Allah be pleased with him).

These stories highlight why Abu Bakr was a true lover of Allah and the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), and why he truly deserved the name “al-Siddiq” (the Veracious—or the Chamption of Trueness).

They highlight the realities of being true to Allah, being true to Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), being true to Allah’s religion, and being true to Allah’s creation.

This lesson was delivered on 27th July 2015 in Sandton Muslim Jamaat (Marlboro Jaame Masjid) in Johannesburg, South Africa. Follow the Spread Light tour of South Africa on the SeekersHub website. Your financial support is crucial to our #SpreadLight campaign, which seeks to provide truly excellent Islamic learning to at least 1,000,000 seekers of knowledge in the coming year. This will serve as an ongoing charity (sadaqa jariyah) so please donate today.

The Importance of a Truthful Life, Surat al-Isrā’ (verse 80): Duas from the Qur’an Explained

You’re listening to a series of lessons on important duas found in the Qur’an, as explained by Shaykh Ahmed Sa’ad Al Azhari – a distinguished master of the Qur’an and scholar in residence at Seekershub Toronto during Ramadan 2015.

All SeekersHub programming during this blessed month is freely available at the Ramadan Hub. Your financial support is crucial to our #SpreadLight campaign, which seeks to provide truly excellent Islamic learning to at least 1,000,000 seekers of knowledge in the coming year! This will serve as an ongoing charity (sadaqa jariyah) so please donate today.