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Do I Have to Obey My Husband in Everything?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I met an Imam about my bad marriage. He said paradise lies at the foot of the husband and that I must obey him in everything because men are caretakers of women. However, what if he is mistreating the wife, emotionally abusing her, and not fully supporting her financially when able? What if she works full-time and feeds and clothes herself? Does he still have a right to be obeyed? Why is a man’s behavior towards his wife barely discussed, but paradise is still at his feet? This is like slavery. Can he command me to do things such as cooking, cleaning, which are not obligatory in Shafi’i madhab? Can he order me to hop on one foot for an hour? Do we have to obey them only concerning his rights or is it a blanket statement?

Answer: Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are experiencing problems with your husband, this can cause a lot of frustration and unhappiness. All of this can be rectified with the help of Allah and you asking for sincere guidance on the topic.

Your answer is found here in the following link: Is It Sinful to Disobey to One’s Husband?

In short, obedience to the husband regarding permissible actions is obligatory, whether he is supporting her fully or not. [see link above] A marriage is built on the premise of love, mercy, understanding and aiming to please Allah. Harmony, peace, and aligning yourselves in your relationship is key.

Although this may be difficult to digest, taking the first step to a marriage’s harmony is usually done by the wife. A woman has enough patience, wisdom, sweetness, and smarts to completely change a man.

A marriage should never be about the black and white rules of obedience. These rules should only be brought up when a couple is unable to get along. Then the shari`ah is called upon to settle a dispute between them. Generally speaking, if a woman is kind to her husband and does obey him, he will move mountains for her.

Please take a course on marriage together: Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage

See these answers about marriage:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

And these articles will answer some of your questions as well:

Obedience to the Husband in Mustahab and Makruh Acts

I’m Fearful That Islam Is Causing My Depression. What Can I Do?

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Husband Leaving Islam.

Answered by Shaykh Farid Dingle

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I’m seeking advice for my friend. She is married to a man who is having doubts about Islam, he wants to leave the folds of Islam and she can’t understand why as he was a practicing Muslim. My friend has been talking to him gently and encouraging him to talk to a scholar but he refuses.

Can you please advise what my friend what should do?

She says if he doesn’t practice Islam then she doesn’t want children with
him and therfore will have to leave him.

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Giving space

Someone who is wrestling deal internal conflicts needs to be given space. Continually trying to change them or attack the change that they are heading towards is often not a good idea. The first thing I would do is just let him thinks things through for a long time: ‘Deliberation is from Allah, and hastiness is from the Devil.’ [Tirmidhi]

Finding the root of the problem

It is also worth indirectly trying to find out what his problem really is. Does he feel let down by a religious figure? Confused by politics in the Muslim world? Stuck on some problem with fate, or some rules in Islam?

To be quite frank, people have doubts about Islam for some very paltry reasons. When left to fester, they turn out to be huge problems, even though they could be answer with very little effort from a trained scholar.

Legal repercussions

If things continue indefinitely, and he says or does something that demonstrates very clearly that he no longer believes in Islam, you must go to scholar. She has to ascertain whether or not it is permissible to remain with him. She should not act upon her own gut instinct: this is a legal matter.

Once this is clear, she must sit down with him and explain to him very clearly what the significance of his actions/beliefs means. She must tell him that once he clearly leaves Islam, then she will be in her waiting period, and once that is over, they will no longer be married.

I pray this helps, and I pray that her husband becomes stronger in the religion.

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Farid Dingle

Shaykh Farid Dingle grew up in a convert family in Herefordshire, UK. In 2007, he moved to Jordan to pursue traditional studies. Shaykh Farid continues to live in Amman, Jordan with his wife and kids. In addition to continuing his studies he teaches Arabic and several of the Islamic sciences.

Shaykh Farid began his journey in sacred knowledge with intensives in the UK and Jordan (2004) in Shafi’i fiqh and Arabic. After years of studying Arabic grammar, Shafi’i fiqh, hadith, legal methodology (usul al-fiqh) and tafsir, Sh. Farid began specializing in Arabic language and literature. Sh. Farid studied Pre-Islamic poetry, Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid, and Andalusian literature. He holds a BA in Arabic Language and Literature and continues exploring the language of the Islamic tradition.

In addition to his interest in the Arabic language Shaykh Farid actively researches matters related to jurisprudence (fiqh) which he studied with Shaykh Hamza Karamali, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, and continues with Shaykh Amjad Rasheed.

My Husband Doesn’t Pray.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My husband used to pray and go for jumu’ah, but now he doesn’t pray at all. He says he is mad at Allah for all the suffering in the world, and why should he pray to a God who is supposed to be merciful, but let women and children be violated etc? We end up arguing sometimes. His mother is not Muslim. My kids and I are Muslims and practice, but he refuses to pray with us, so I lead salah with my kids. What else can I do? I keep making dua to Allah to bring him back to the straight path. He knows the punishment of neglecting his salah and jumu’ah.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Meaning of tribulations

This must be such a difficult situation for you and your family. May Allah grant you a way out, and bring your husband closer to Allah.

When we view suffering through the lens of the dunya, then there is no end to pain. But this is not the way of the believer. We must remember to look at suffering through the lens of the akhirah.

Please refer him to these resources:

Suffering and Divine Wisdom
The Problem of Evil and a Summarized Islamic Response
Why We Suffer – 2 – What Is the Problem of Evil? – Shaykh Hamza Karamali

Husband’s anger

Your husband sounds very sensitive. This quality, when harnessed well, is a very positive trait. When it is not channeled well, then it can cause great harm to himself, as manifested by his refusal to pray.

Anger is a secondary emotion. Beneath it is often deep sadness, anxiety and/or powerlessness. Your husband was not born into a Muslim family and embraced Islam at a later age. He needs stronger foundations. He needs to better understand Allah, and have a better opinion of Him, through a courses such as Absolute Essentials of Islam (Shafi‘i): Habshi’s Encompassing Epistle Explained: Getting Started With Your Belief and Practice or Absolute Essentials of Islam (Hanafi): Getting Started With Your Belief and Practice. I pray that he enrols in these courses.

I discourage you from arguing with your husband. Focus on nourishing your connection with him. Soften him through your own kindness and patience with him.

Beautiful character of the Prophet

I encourage your husband to soften his anger through getting to know the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). There is deep healing in that. Studying the Shama’il with a teacher would be so beneficial for him. In lieu of that, perhaps he can listen to A Beauty Most Sublime and The Prophet’s Heart: Understanding the Prophet’s Beautiful Relationship with Allah and with Allah’s Creation. Even if does not want to, please strive to listen to these blessed recordings. Your heart will change, and impact on his, inshaAllah.

If he is willing to listen, encourage your husband to write a letter to the Prophet (peace sand blessings be upon him), pouring out his sorrow, anger, disbelief and so on. When his eyes shed tears, then his heart will often.

The door of punishment is not changing your husband’s behaviour. Perhaps the door of Prophetic love will.

Spiritual nourishment

Please look after your own heart during this time. Guard your prayers, and increase your acts of worship. Bring light into your home. Have regular gatherings of goodness in your home, and connect to like-minded and like-hearted families.

Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. When you feel overwhelmed, I encourage you to practice these Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises

Guiding your children

It was narrated from Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness in all things.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Your children are so blessed to have you as their mother. Please ensure that your own aqidah foundations are strong, so that you can teach them about Allah and protect them from being negatively influenced by your husband. You are the wellspring from which they draw from, and they learn best from you who are.

I strongly recommend that you purchase and go through these wonderful children’s books from Fons Vitae. I have bought them for my own children.

Please continue to lead salat for your children. Do acts of worship together, as a family (reading Qur’an, reading Hadith, making dua together etc), even if your husband is unwilling to join you. The states of your illuminated hearts will flow to your husband. Trust in this.

Please see:

A Reader on the Problem of Evil, Suffering, Destiny, and Allah’s Mercy

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

What Is the Ruling of the Husband Living Away From His Wife?

Answered by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Question: Assalamu alaykum

What is the ruling of the husband living away from his wife in ‘idda and marriage?

Is there any difference to the ruling, if the wife owns the marital home?

Answer: Wa ‘alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

Thank you for your question.

During Marriage

In general, the husband may live away from his wife whilst married to her, as long as this fits under the bracket of ‘maʿruf’, universally recognised goodness, which the Qur’an commands. This could be temporary for the purposes of work, etc. However, if it is for too long, such that it encroaches on her rights to things such as finances, his good company, or intimacy then he would be sinful (al-Maydani, al-Lubab). Specifying the time period would be dependant on what her needs are.

During the ʿIdda (Waiting Period)

There are multiple types of ʿidda, but what concerns us here is the ʿidda from a revocable divorce (ṭalāq rajʿī) and the ʿidda from an irrevocable divorce (ṭalāq bāʾin). For the former the husband and the wife are both to stay in the marital home, and she is encouraged to dress nicely in the hope that he will revoke the divorce, make amends, and continue married life with her.

In the ʿidda of an irrevocable divorce, they are both to dwell in the marital home, but without any contact. If there is cause for concern then another lady may live in the house with her. However, if there is cause for concern it is better for him to leave the house, because Allah commanded the lady to remain at home – not him (Haskafi, al-Durr al-Mukhtar).

If the wife owns the marital home, he will have to leave at the end of the ʿidda.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 to study and sit at the feet of some of the most erudite scholars of our time.

Over the following eighteen months he studied a traditional curriculum, studying with scholars such as Shaykh Adnan Darwish, Shaykh Abdurrahman Arjan, Shaykh Hussain Darwish and Shaykh Muhammad Darwish.

In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years, in Fiqh, Usul al-Fiqh, Theology, Hadith Methodology and Commentary, Shama’il, and Logic with teachers such as Dr Ashraf Muneeb, Dr Salah Abu’l-Hajj, Dr Hamza al-Bakri, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, Dr Mansur Abu Zina amongst others. He was also given two licences of mastery in the science of Qur’anic recital by Shakh Samir Jabr and Shaykh Yahya Qandil.

His true passion, however, arose in the presence of Shaykh Ali Hani, considered by many to be one of the foremost tafsir scholars of our time who provided him with the keys to the vast knowledge of the Quran. With Shaykh Ali, he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Qur’anic Sciences, Tafsir, Arabic Grammar, and Rhetoric.

When he finally left Jordan for the UK in 2014, Shaykh Ali gave him his distinct blessing and still recommends students in the UK to seek out Shaykh Abdul-Rahim for Quranic studies. Since his return he has trained as a therapist and has helped a number of people overcome emotional and psychosomatic issues. He is a keen promoter of emotional and mental health.

Is a Divorce Valid If It Was Said Under the Pression the Husband’s Parents? (Shafi’i)

Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum,

My husband said to me “I divorce you”. He took me back after. After this, we had an argument and were separated- his mother moved in with him. After this time, we spoke and he sent me a text message saying “I divorce you”. The next day, he did the same and repeated it in text and verbally over the phone three times. However, he says now that he had no choice and was under extreme pressure from his parents to divorce me. Does that invalidate the last two divorce declarations?

Answer: Wa alaykum al-Salam

RasuluLlah sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam said that three things are to be taken serious even when joking: marriage, divorce and raj’ah (retracting one’s wife after divorce). As a result, jurists treated divorce seriously and considered the divorce valid whenever pronounced. The only exceptions were when (1) an individual’s anger, or even depression, reaches such a point where he is no longer in control of what he says or does; and (2) he was coerced in giving the divorce. Note, that he is only considered coerced, if he is threatened with his life, or that he will be badly injured. In addition, if he is coerced to divorce his wife once, but then divorces her thrice, the divorces will be valid as he went beyond that with which he was forced.

It is clear that your husband, even though coerced to certain extent, was still in control of his doings. His life was not threatened, neither did he reach a point of anger where he was unaware of his actions. However, it is unclear from your question whether he formally took you back as a wife (raj’ah) after the first divorce. Raj’ah in the Shafi’i school has to be verbal, whereby the husband explicitly states that I take you back as my wife. If raj’ah did not take place, then there are a number of possibilities. If your ‘iddah (waiting period) expired – which is three clean periods – you were technically no longer his wife and the succeeding divorces will not be valid. If you were still in ‘iddah, the divorces would be valid.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan
received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

Etiquette of Marriage: A Comprehensive SeekersHub Reader

The etiquette of marriage form the 12th chapter of Imam Al-Ghazali’s seminal work, the Ihya, which is widely regarded as the greatest work on Islamic spirituality in the world.

 

Is There Any Reason Why A Wife Can’t Teach Her Husband?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

Is it permissible for a wife to teach her husband?

My husband recently approached me and asked me to teach him how to read Quran, because he doesn’t know.

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. I pray this finds you in the best of states insha’Allah.

It certainly is permissible for a wife to teach her husband in any matter of the religion, and it would be an act that carries great rewards. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Whoever guides someone to goodness will have a similar reward.’ [Muslim]

Teaching Qur’an

Teaching the Qur’an carries a special virtue as the Prophet ﷺ stated, ‘The best of you are those who learn the Quran and teach it’ [al Bukhari].

At the same time, the way one teaches a subject, particularly the Qur’an, is very important.

Each person knows themselves and their abilities, and the decision to teach should be based on this. Not everyone makes a good teacher, and not everyone makes a good student. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Teach others, make things easy, and do not make things difficult. When one of you is angry, he should remain silent.’ [Musnad Ahmad].

It is very important for both teacher and student to be patient and respectful. This can be a potential problem when spouses teach one another, but not always the case. Therefore, make your decision based on your own personalities and dynamics of your relationship.

If you feel problems may occur, then it may be wiser for your husband to find another teacher. If there is none available, then you should teach him, as it is important for him to be able to read the Qur’an. However, I suggest that you, as the teacher, set some basic rules down before you begin any lessons, as well as discussing possible issues that may arise and how you will both deal with them constructively.

I would also encourage you both to pray Salat al Istikhara (The Prayer for Decision Making) before proceeding.

May Allah grant you both tawfiq in teaching and learning the Qur’an. I pray it is a source of bringing you both closer in love and respect towards each other and the religion.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

How Can I Support My Husband in His Striving for a More Pious Life?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

Before we got married, my husband used to mix regularly with bad company and indulge in many major sins. He has repented, and so has lost all his friends. He misses the excitement of his sinful social life. How can I support him?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer.

Prayer

First and foremost, consign this matter to Allah. Wake up in the last third of the night and beg Allah to help you and your husband through this. Perform the Prayer of Need as often as you are able to. I pray that Allah will grant you and your husband the tranquility which you seek.

Marriage

I encourage you to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

The basis of a successful Islamic marriage can be summed up in two words: sincere concern.

You seem to know a lot about your husband’s sinful past – did you know about his struggles before you married him? If so, then you need to be honest with yourself. You knew what you were getting into, and now is the time for you to make good on your commitment to him.

If you did not know about his past before you married him, then I pray that Allah grants you compassion, patience, and understanding.

Mercy

Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” [Tirmidhi]

Choose to be merciful to your husband. At first, this may feel hard to do, but persist in showing him kindness – inwardly and outwardly. I pray that over time, speaking to him kindly will plant seeds of compassion in your heart. May they bloom into a lifetime of sincere concern for him.

Gratitude

‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “He who has, in his heart, an ant’s weight of arrogance will not enter Jannah.” Someone said: “A man likes to wear beautiful clothes and shoes?” Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty. Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the Truth and looking down on people.” [Muslim].

When you begin to feel judgemental, then catch yourself, make tauba, and remind yourself that Allah alone was the One who prevented you from falling into sin. None of us know which of our good deeds will be accepted, nor do we know which of our sins will cause us to be punished. Remember this, and stay humble.

You and your husband are on the same team. You are each other’s helpmates to Allah. View this as a beautiful opportunity to grow closer to him.

Practical steps

Ultimately, you cannot ‘make’ your husband do anything.

1) Encourage him to visit you often, and visit him whenever you can. Your company is already a source of joy for him. Make dua that Allah keeps you both patient until you can move in together.

2) Suggest alternate activities for him. Perhaps there is a soup kitchen he can help out at, or other community-based projects.

3) Help him taste the sweetness of faith. Bring him to better gatherings, and introduce podcasts such as The Hikam to him.

4) Ask your married friends if their husbands get together for any sporting or deeny activities. Introduce their husbands to yours.

I pray that Allah grants your husband companions who will bring him closer to Allah.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Don’t Feel Content About My Future Husband. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have gotten to know a good man for marriage. My parents really like him. I have agreed to marry him. But why do I not feel content? I don’t know if I can be with him for the rest of my life.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Marriage

I encourage you and your fiancé to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

This course contains many gems, and I pray that it will help you attain tranquility about your decision.

Prayer of Guidance

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times about this person, and watch what Allah unfolds for you. For example, if He places many obstacles in your way, then this is a sign that marriage to this man is not good for you. On the other hand, if He makes it very easy, then that is a sign that marriage to this man is good for you.

From what you have described, it looks like Allah is facilitating your path towards marriage to this man. The only obstacle left is your anxiety. Please be assured that everyone gets nervous before a big life decision. This is why we pray istikhara, because Allah knows what we do not. Place your trust in Allah, and take it a step at a time. Fear and worry are weapons of Shaytan, so seek refuge in Allah from his deception.

Recharge

I encourage you to worship Allah in the last third of the night, even if it is 5 or 10 minutes before the entry of fajr. This is truly a blessed time, and I pray that you find solace in reaching out to your Creator. Increase in your recitation and listening of the Qur’an, and make daily salawat and istighfar.

Support

Within the guidelines of the Shari’ah, I encourage you to bring up your concerns with your fiancé. Is there something specific you are concerned about?

If you cannot think of a specific worry but you have an overall unshakeable anxiety, then perhaps it is worthwhile for you to speak to a culturally-sensitive counsellor. The first year of marriage is a big adjustment, even in the best of circumstances, and it would be wise for you to have supports in place beforehand.

I pray that Allah brings about whatever is best for your dunya and your akhirah, and makes you content with it.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

The Woman I Love Doesn’t Want to Marry Me Because of My Low Income.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am in love with a young woman. We have done sinful things in the past. Will Allah and the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) ever forgive me?

At first, she said she didn’t want to marry me because my income was too low. I begged, and then she agreed.

Soon after, she changed her mind and said she didn’t want to marry me anymore. I truly love her and want to marry her, and I’m planning to transfer to a better-paying job. What can I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Forgiveness

Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘O son of Adam, I forgive you as long as you pray to Me and hope for My forgiveness, whatever sins you have committed. O son of Adam, I do not care if your sins reach the height of the heaven, then you ask for my forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you come to Me with an earth load of sins, and meet Me associating nothing to Me, I would match it with an earthload of forgiveness.”‘ Tirmidhi].

Please do not despair in the mercy of Allah. Allah loves you, and wants goodness for you. Yes, you have sinned, so continue to make a sincere repentance. Dunya is filled with trials, so after you fall, pick yourself up, make your repentance, then move forward.

Marriage

Before you even consider marriage, please listen to the free downloadable lesson set Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani. When registration reopens, please enrol in Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Please implement the wisdom in these resources.

Your situation is a difficult one. You have sinned with this young woman, you are in love with her, and she has changed her mind many times. However, the reality is that she she longer wants to marry you.

My advice to you is to surrender to the Will of Allah. You are torn with longing and heartache because you are hoping for something that may never happen. I pray that Allah soothe your pain. Tests of heartbreak are the amongst the hardest to bear, but bear this with patience, and bring yourself closer to Allah. Allah alone can soothe your pain.

Moving forward

Occupy your heart with Allah, and He will lift the anguish from it. Listen to and read Qur’an daily, wake up in the last third of the night and pray tahajjud.

Please choose your wife wisely. She will be your companion on your journey to Jannah, and the future mother of your children. Pick a woman who brings out the best in you, who accepts you as you are, and is happy to be supported by you.

Falling in love first can often cloud your judgement. I suggest that you speak to your family about wanting to married. Your parents want what is best for you, know you, and may already have someone in mind for you.

The heart wants what it wants. You can make this harder on yourself by pining for her, or you can make it easier by actively letting go.

Provision

I encourage you to read Surah Al-Waqiah as regularly as you can, to help you increase your provision, and to eliminate fear of poverty in your heart.

Please perform the Prayer of Need  regularly, beg Allah to remove her from your heart, and ask Him to send you a righteous and loving wife who will be your solace in this world and the next.

Please see:

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.