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How Do I Protect Myself From The Evil Eye?

Shaykh Farid Dingle answers a question on how to protect oneself from the evil eye.

 

Question:

Salam,

How do we protect ourselves from the evil eye and jealousy, but without being excessive? For example if you have a child and you want to protect him/her from evil eye, do you just not post a photo of your baby? I don’t understand how to be moderate in it without being excessive in it. Please provide some guidance on this matter.

 

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

The Evil Eye

Please read this article first: http://seekershub.org/ans-blog/2010/03/19/the-evil-eye-a-reality/

Ostentation

Showing off in one’s acts of worship, or in worldly possessions or achievements is forbidden. What is wrong with it is that one looks at a blessing that is from Allah, and ascribes it to one’s ownself. Then one seeks that it be seen by others so that one’s rank my rise in their eyes. This results in pride, and has been compared to polytheism: ‘Indeed even a slight amount of showing off is worshipping gods besides Allah.’ [Hakim]

Talking about one’s baby and showing pictures to others can be ostentation and haram. You have to look at your heart when you are doing it and after when people respond. If you are eager to get likes on your Facebook page, for example, or you are waiting for someone to show that they are impressed, or the opposite, you are crestfallen when you don’t get the attention you wanted, then it is ostentation.

If you feel this, you have to get it out of you heart and change your intention before you take an action. Otherwise, you will be acting upon ostentation and doing something forbidden and hated in Allah’s eyes.

It can also be a way of sharing the joy and thanking Allah. If all you want is to show others how happy you are with Allah, and there is not hankering in your heart for their praise then it is not ostentation, inshaAllah.

Breaking others’ hearts

Sometimes, even if we don’t mean to, we break other people’s hearts by mentioning a blessing in our lives that others don’t have. You mention how your baby is staying to coo and you hurt the person you are talking to because she doesn’t have a baby, or her baby has a disability.

This is not sinful if you don’t intend to harm them and you don’t know that it will hurt they feelings, but you do have to be careful.

‘The Most-Merciful only shows mercy to those who are merciful. Show mercy to those on Earth, and He upon high shall show you mercy.’ [Tirmidhi and others]

So you have to look at the scenario, and many other similar scenarios, from these three angles.

I pray this helps.

Farid

 

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani


 

Am I a ‘Dayyuth’ If I Let My Wife Go out Without Hijab and How Do I Maintain Protective Jealousy (Ghayrah)?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I saw a post online that if my wife doesn’t wear hijab, that I am a “dayyuth”. Is this true?

I want to maintain a proper level of jealousy, but I do not want to tell my wife what to do as if I am her father.

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam, I hope you’re well insha’Allah.

Ghayrah (الغَيْرَةِ) carries the meaning of protective jealousy, honour, and earnest concern. It is a positive trait, especially in a man in regards his female family members. The dayyuth (الديُّوث) is its opposite, generally referring to a man who has no protective jealousy and honour over his female family members, whilst also carrying a specific meaning, which we will discuss below.

Man and Woman

The relationship between the sexes is as old as mankind itself, for it was in the Gardens of Paradise that man and woman were forged to co-exist in intimate harmony. That this innate pairing and bond between the two sexes is of the Divine Will and Wisdom, is highlighted in God’s oath, in Suratul al Layl,

وَاللَّيْلِ إِذَا يَغْشَىٰ وَالنَّهَارِ إِذَا تَجَلَّىٰ وَمَا خَلَقَ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنثَىٰ

By the night enshrouding, and the day resplendent, and [by] Him Who created male and female. [92:1-3]

God does not make an oath by His creation except for that it is a Sign to be reflected upon and honoured, and upon reflection, one’s thoughts return to the Creator of those Signs. We were made and placed on earth in pairs of male and female, and the thrust and success of every pious community is the conservative preservation of this union and keeping away from anything that will break it down. One of the key attributes in preserving the marital bond of men and women is the presence of ghayrah.

Ghayrah

God tells us in the Qu’ran, ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women.’ [4:34]. Out of His infinite wisdom, this is the general and natural order that God has chosen for the mutual co-existence of the sexes in this world.

The word ‘قَوَّامُونَ’ in the verse carries the meaning of protector, caretaker, and guardian. To be a protector or guardian over someone necessarily demands a strong sense of responsibility, and is associated with the qualities of honour, dignity and correct moral conduct. These are essentially intertwined with the attribute of modesty, which in turn, is a fundamental aspect of one’s very faith, for the Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Modesty is a branch of faith.’ [Muslim].

As such to have true ghayrah, protective jealousy and honour, is to fulfil and uphold one’s sense of duty and honour, as well as preserve and instil modesty and deep faith. This not only applies to oneself, but also the honour and respect of others, as its presence provides limits and boundaries between right and wrong, particularly in regards human interactions and relationships. The most important of these being the relationship between man and woman.

Boundaries

We mentioned that having ghayrah places limits and boundaries between what is right and wrong, upholding moral conduct and self-respect. Because of this, what initially begins an individual trait which is concerned with one’s immediate family, potentially becomes a societal value, as it upholds the moral integrity of the community at large and prevents social depravation from occurring.

When I was in Kerala a few years ago visiting a ‘conservative’ and scholarly community, one of the reoccurring issues that locals and scholars mentioned was that in recent years the area had experienced an unprecedented amount of cases concerning adultery and some cases of children being born out of wedlock. The chief reason given for this was because husbands spent extended periods abroad in the middle east to work and earn better wages. Although there could be many more factors to consider, it certainly seems that the absence of any ‘protective’ element in the family unit had a significant part to play in the crisis.

This is why scholars have said ‘خير فيمن لا غيرة له لا’, ‘There is no good in a person who has no protective jealousy and honour’ [Kitab al Kaba’ir]. We could extend the saying to ‘There is no good in a community which has no protective jealousy and honour,’ because individual parts make the whole.

Lest it be misconstrued, this is not meant in any way as a form of patronising women or a tool for gender oppression, and nor should it be used by men to do as such, but rather, it is an attribute which should stem from earnest solicitude and care. It is a valid and necessary condition for mutual respect and love between men and women, forming individual dignity and self-respect, maintaining the cohesiveness of the family structure, upholding the moral integrity of society, and preserving one’s faith. Without this ‘protective’ element, relationships, self-worth, family, morality, and piety, inevitably fray and unravel.

Ibn al Qayyim al Jawziyyah, summarised ghayrah and what we have discussed in the following words, ‘The foundation of the religion is ghayrah, and the one without ghayrah is one without religion, for ghayrah protects the heart and enlivens the limbs and shields one from evil and lewdness, and lack of ghayrah kills the heart so that the limbs die, so that there remains not even shielding from [the minor things]. And the example of ghayrah in the heart is the example of the strength that shields one from sickness and fights it off, so if the strength leaves, he will be faced with the sickness, and will not find anything to protect himself from it, so it will establish itself [within him] and destroy him.’ [Al Da’ Wal Dawa]

The Ghayrah of God

The attribute of ghayrah and the ‘setting of boundaries’ due to it, is also affirmed for God and the Prophet ﷺ, as the Prophet ﷺ said, ‘By Allah, I am more jealous than him [Sa‘d bin ‘Ubadah], and Allah is more jealous than me. It is because of His protective jealousy that Allah forbade immoral deeds, both open and secret’ [al Bukhari],

He ﷺ also said, ‘Allah has protective jealousy, and the protective jealousy of Allah is provoked when the believer does something that Allah has forbidden.’ [al Bukhari, Muslim]

Ghayrah in Practice

It’s important to note here that what we mean by protective jealousy is not a man’s overbearing oppression of his female family members, nor being suspicious, irrationally jealous, or narcissistic, nor being oppressive for purely cultural reasons without any basis in sacred law.

What we are referring to is a dignified and rational sense of honour and chivalry, based on sound religious values, which enables a person to ensure that the moral limits of the religion are not transgressed.

In practice, that means that husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons, should have a strong sense of honour and responsibility over their female family members, particularly when it comes to public interaction with the opposite sex.

To do this, it entails that a man knows the boundaries that the religions asks to be put in place, and this is bought about by studying fiqh. Without this, mistakes and transgressions are often made. He should also study something of manners and purification of the heart, in order that his actions and decisions are coupled with the spirit of Islam and the sunna of the beloved Prophet ﷺ, not just the letter of the law devoid of heart. He himself must practice what he preaches, ensuring that he is a guard and protector over himself, protecting his own eyes, limbs and heart, when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex and sins in general.

A man who lacks ghayrah is lacking an essential part of moral and religious integrity and respect. A specific word was used by the Prophet ﷺ for a particular type of person who lacks ghayrah is ‘al dayyuth’.

Al Dayyuth

The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Three types of people will never enter Paradise; the dayyuth, the woman who resembles a man [in dress], and the one addicted to alcohol.’ [al Nisa’i, Ahmad]. When asked what ‘a dayyuth meant, the Prophet ﷺ replied, ‘The one who does not care who enters into his wife.’ There are various other similar narrations.

The word dayyuth then, specifically refers to a cuckold, which is a man who permits and does not care if his wife has sexual intercourse with other men.

Some scholars restrict the meaning of dayyuth to this meaning. However, other scholars took the meaning of dayyuth to be more general, and applied it to ‘any man who does not have ghayrah over his female folk’. [al Zawa’jir].

Al Mulla Ali al Qari stated, ‘Al dayyuth is the one who is content with illicit intercourse of his female folk such as his wife, bonds maid, or female relative, or [content with] sexual foreplay [with other men], and every other type of sin, such as drinking alcohol, neglecting to take the purificatory bath etc. Al Tibi said, ‘It is the one that sees in his womenfolk evils, and he has no protective jealousy and honour over them nor prevents them.’’ [Mirqatul Mafatih]

Ibn al-Qayyim also said, bringing in the concept of chivalry, ‘The dayyuth is the vilest of Allah’s creation, and Paradise is forbidden for him [because of his lack of ghayrah]. A man should be ‘jealous’ with regards to his wife’s honour and standing. He should defend her whenever she is slandered or spoken ill of behind her back. Actually, this is a right of every Muslim in general but a right of the spouse specifically. He should also be jealous in not allowing other men to look at his wife or speak with her in a manner which is not appropriate.’

Complexities

It should be noted from the description of the dayyuth that there is a strong sense of having no ghayrah over one’s female family members, and not caring about what they do and what is done to them in sexual matters. If one goes by the general meaning adopted, then it encompasses all acts and types of sin. As such it would also apply to men who allow and are pleased with their wives’ not covering appropriately in public or content with their free mixing with men in general.

However, this is different to a situation where the man really does care about how his wife (or other) carries herself in public and sincerely desires that she follow the dictates of the religion, however, the wife refuses to do so, or is not at a stage where she feels she wants to or can. This may be due to a number of reasons and factors that need to be considered and discussed.

In the situation you described, the main issue seems to be that your wife is not observing hijab. Given everything we have mentioned, below is some practical steps to move forward:

1. Supplicate to Allah with sincerity to guide yourself and your wife to that which is pleasing to Him.

2. Tell your wife how you feel and you would like her to wear the hijab. Don’t worry about ‘sounding like her father’, you are her husband and in many ways more important when it comes to matter of ghayrah than a father. Don’t be aggressive or forceful, but make it clear where you stand on the matter and why.

3. Ask her if anything is preventing her from wearing it. Discuss these open-heartedly and try to find resolutions that work for her. It’s also important to remember that for many people it is necessary to instil meaning before you expect form to take place. What I mean by this is that for some people they need to understand the ‘why’ of a situation and their hearts need to be nourished and inspired to love Allah and the Prophet first, before they are ready to make external religious observations such as the hijab, praying etc. It is worth considering this and how to go about it.

4. Seek out good company of religious people, and go to religious lessons or events, bearing in mind your wife’s like and dislikes and temperament. Don’t be forceful and preach, and be selective of friends, events and places you go to. Let positive surroundings affect her outlook rather than constant verbal reminders.

4. In the meantime, dislike it in your heart each time she leaves the house without hijab.

5. Learn and practice the religion yourself so she can see that you are moving forward and benefitting. Couples often follow each other, and if you truly love each other, you will both desire to connect on the deepest level of a relationship, which is the spiritual level.

I wish you all the best, warmest salams,

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

My Husband Is a Religious Teacher. Should I Fear for Our Marriage?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have dealt with doubt about my husband’s attraction to me since we got married.

Seeing another religious public figure fall from grace has reignited my fears.

I love my husband, and I don’t ever want to lose him, but my fears get the better of me sometimes, and I am really at a loss on how to deal with this anxiety. Is it healthy to confront him about it so that we can deal with my anxiety together?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Fears

It is indeed unfortunate that another public figure has fallen from grace in the Muslim community. It sounds like this incident has triggered a long-standing fear within you.

Wives of public religious figures do have reason to be worried. Power corrupts, and only Prophets (upon them be blessings and peace) are protected from sin. For some, the temptation proves too great. Others are protected through their own fear and love for Allah and commitment to their marriages.

On that note, it is still very possible for you and your husband to work as a team, and safeguard your marriage.

Attractiveness

The truth of the matter is this – there is always going to be a woman who is more attractive than you. By the same token, there is also always going to be a man who is more attractive than your husband.

What is stopping you from embarking on an affair with a more handsome man? Please reflect on this. Trust yourself. Trust your husband. Take the steps you need to build that trust between the two of you.

Emotional Regulation

In addition to working together with your husband, you will need to better regulate your emotions and fears. Self-soothing is an incredibly important skill.

You must learn how to manage your strong feelings of fear, mistrust and anxiety. Mindfulness is a very useful strategy. There are many useful apps which you can download and use, such as Calm and Headspace. I encourage you to cultivate a daily practice of mindfulness.

I strongly suggest that you look into holistic therapies too. Is there a naturopath, homeopath and or somatic therapist you can consult?

Counsellor

It is possible that you may be fuelling your own worst nightmare by doubting your husband’s sincerity and love for you.

You sound troubled and insecure. I do encourage you to seek professional help. Please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor.

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night as often as you can. Beg Allah to help you overcome your fears, and to protect your marriage.

Nourish your connection to Allah, and ask Him for grounding and strength. Please consider enrolling in one of SeekersHub courses, and/or listen to our podcasts and lesson sets. I encourage you to select a course that helps nourish your spirituality, such as Imam Haddad’s Book of Assistance Explained (Part 1).

Marriage

Affairs do not spring out of nowhere. I encourage you to read these articles to help you nourish your marriage:

5 Ways To Prevent Infidelity
Don’t You Trust Me? – The 5 Characteristics of Trust
Three Marriage Monsters And The Secrets For Defeating Them
5 Trust-Building Boundaries

Strategies

Could you brainstorm with your husband and agree with on some strategies to help safeguard for marriage? For example, make an agreement to travel with him if he goes abroad, or interstate. Perhaps agree to go on weekly date nights.

May Allah make things easier for you, your husband, and bless you with a trusting, loving and nourishing marriage.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Am Jealous of My Husband’s Other Wife. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am the wife of someone who is married to several women. His other wife does not know about our marriage. I am struggling with issues of jealousy.

I am jealous of the physical side that he shares with his first wife.

How do I deal with this?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Second wife

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah said: “Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

This is a difficult situation. By right, your husband is meant to equally divide all of his resources between you and your co-wife. However, because he has kept you a secret, he is unable to do so without arousing suspicion in his first wife. This is deeply problematic for all of you.

Communication

How well do you communicate with your husband? How open is your husband to your influence?

I encourage you to soften your start-up with your husband and express how you feel. Tell him that it hurts you when you are unable to spend more time with him.

Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage
Help Your Partner Understand Your Side of the Conflict in 3 Steps

Moving Forward.

Did you know that your husband was going to keep your marriage a secret?

If your husband does not want to tell his first wife about you, then you must ask yourself if you’re willing to continue living like this. If you were to have a child with him, then your child is legitimate and deserving of his father’s love, time and wealth. However, if your husband does not tell his first wife about you, how will he even broach the topic of a child from his second wife?

If things do not change, then I do not see this ending well, for anyone. You, your child, and your unborn children deserve better. You are his wife, not his mistress. The Shari’ah honours you through marriage, even if your husband is currently failing to do so.

I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Guidance as many times as you need to, until you gain clarity. If your husband is willing to be honest with his first wife about you, then that may be a clear sign for you to work on your marriage. If your husband refuses to, then that may be a clear sign for you to end your marriage.

Please see:

Is Polygamy really Allowed?
Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

How Do I Deal With Jealousy and Feeling Ugly?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

1) I feel jealous of someone, try to ignore it, make dua for her every night for her worldly and eternal benefit, so that my jealousy will not cause any harm to her. I also say masha’Allah tabarak Allah. Is this enough to keep me free from sin?

2) I am very unhappy with the way some parts of my body look. I want to have surgery done to improve the appearance because if I don’t I cannot ever get married. This causes me mental anguish. Is it permissible to have surgery done?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Jealousy

May Allah reward you for making dua for the person you are jealous of. I pray that Allah opens up doors of good for you.

I suggest that you perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to remove this envy from your heart, increase you in gratitude and contentment, and to bless you with whatever it is you long for.

I suggest that you take a look at Emotional First Aid. Emotions, especially strong ones like jealousy, do not go away when you ignore them.

Move Forward

Waki’ bin Hudus narrated that his paternal uncle Abu Razin said: “The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: ‘Allah laughs at the despair of His slaves although He soon changes it.’ I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, does the Lord laugh?’ He said: ‘Yes.’ I said: ‘We shall never be deprived of good by a Lord Who laughs.'” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Please reflect on what it is that you actually want in your life, instead of focusing on what another person has. There are many Muslimah life coaches online who can help you. Your own potential perhaps lies untapped.

When times are difficult, it’s hard to imagine things getting any better. Trust that when Allah inspires change in your life, then anything is possible. It takes patience for things to unfold, so place all of your hopes in Him.

Surgery

“And so many a moving (living) creature there is, that carries not its own provision! Allah provides for it and for you. And He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.” [Qur’an, 29:60]

I am sorry that you are suffering. Cosmetic surgery is permitted to correct defects. Please see the following link Is Cosmetic Surgery Allowed?

I suggest that you speak to a culturally-sensitive counsellor about the way you feel about your body.

Please trust that with Allah’s help, anything is possible. Different people around the world struggle with so many tribulations, and yet, Allah can still bless them with marriage. The modern world sells us the lie that if we were only to look a certain way, and be a certain weight, then we will find love. This is untrue. Your provision has already been written for you.

Marriage

Marriage, especially while you are still single, can seem like the solution to all of your pain. Please remember that no marriage is perfect, and through marital hardships, you can grow into a better version of yourself. In the meantime, what can you do to make your current life more fulfilling?

Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

When Can Protective Jealousy Become Abuse?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalam alaykum

Many problems that occur between spouses are the result of according to the husband “ghayra” (jealousy) and according to the female “abuse”. Can “ghayra” become abuse? How to differentiate between ghayra and abuse?

Answer: Assalam alaykum. Jazakum Allah for your question. I pray your studies and training are going well insha’Allah.

The word ‘Ghayra’ is often translated as ‘protective jealousy’, because it carries not only the sense of a type of jealousy, but a jealousy that roots from a sense of honor, protective instinct, and earnest concern. It falls under the general concept of chivalry.

Ghayra as a positive and negative quality

Perhaps the easiest way to differentiate between desirable protective jealousy and undesirable protective jealousy, is that desirable protective jealousy relates to those things that the sacred law has put in place and protects, so that when they are transgressed, a person, male or female, has the right to feel jealous over another and their honour compromised.

Undesirable protective jealousy over another is when the sacred law is not being transgressed, but the person becomes overprotective, overbearing, and oppressive.

The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘There is a kind of protective jealousy [ghayra] that Allah loves and a kind that Allah hates. As for that which Allah loves, it is protective jealousy when there are grounds for suspicion. And as for that which He hates, it is protective jealousy when there are no grounds for suspicion.’ [Ibn Majah]

For example, if a person saw their husband or wife flirting with a stranger of the opposite sex on the street (or online!), and they feel a sense protective jealousy come over them, then this is not deemed as blameworthy or inappropriate. Likewise, if a spouse notices people staring at their wife or husband, and they feel jealous and uncomfortable, this is also from protective jealousy that is not appropriate.

In fact, protective jealousy is not only confined to one’s spouse, but can extend to others. For example, a sibling or parent may feel it towards their sibling or child, and to a certain extent can be healthy protective instinct.

It is narrated that Sa’d ibn ‘Ubada (Allah be pleased with him) said, ‘If I were to see a man with my wife, I would have struck him with the sword, and not with the flat part (side) of it. When Allah’s Messenger ﷺ heard of that, he said, ‘Are you surprised at Sa’d’s jealousy of his honour? By Allah, I am more jealous of my honour than he, and Allah is more jealous than I. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret. And no person is more jealous of his honour than Allah.’ [Sahih Muslim]

However, when the shariah is not being transgressed, then it is not the right place to have protective jealousy and react on it.

For example, if the person happens to see their spouse doing something which is part of normal life, such as simply being polite to someone who has done them a favour, or a brief exchange of greetings to a neighbour or local grocer, or helping someone in urgent need, without anything suspicious occurring etc., and one becomes jealous and upset, then, although it may be the person’s natural reaction which they cannot help, they must learn to keep it in check.

Ghayra becoming abuse

We can see then how undesirable Ghayra can become oppressive, and may even lead to a form of abuse, when it is not based on any valid reason, and the person reacts and lets it affect their treatment of the other.

In addition to undesirable Ghayra, there is also another situation to consider, and that is when a person, usually the husband, has a jealous side to him (or controlling) and this affects his treatment of the wife, but he stays within the limits of the law and imposes his legal rights in the marriage, to the point it becomes stifling for the wife.
It is in these situations where, although legally valid, if bare-bone legal rights are enforced without wisdom, consideration, and devoid of the spirit of the religion and sunna of the noble Prophet ﷺ, marriages become difficult and psychological and emotional abuse can occur. These are the most difficult situations to deal with and advise on, and one needs to navigate through the issues with careful consideration.

On the other hand, one must also consider if the person is truly being oppressive or even abusive, or if it is simply a matter of differing levels of religious practice. If one spouse is religious and the other is not, then the religious spouse may not be being oppressive but it may seem overbearing to the less religious spouse. For example, if a husband insists that his wife ensures that she covers herself properly when leaving the house, or the wife insists the husband stop mixing freely with his female cousins, and the other spouse feels this is just out of jealousy and an overbearing disposition, then the situation is different.

The role of the counsellor

From the above, it becomes clear that the role of any counsellor or advisor is a very delicate one. For these reasons, other than the training and personal skills needed to be a good counsellor, it is essential that anyone involved in the field of Muslim marriage counselling should have a good working knowledge of the fiqh rulings pertaining to marriage and have access to reliable and capable scholars to seek advice from.

May Allah grant you success in your studies and all your affairs.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

Jinn, Black Magic and How to Protect Yourself, by Shaykh Amer Jamil

In just under an hour, Shaykh Amer Jamil explains the essential what-you-need-to-know about sihr (black magic). It’s a reality – do you know how to recognise the signs and how to protect against it?

What is Black Magic and How Do We Recognise The Signs?

How Do We Protect Against Black Magic?

Resources on sihr (black magic) and related matters for seekers

Please subscribe to Shaykh Amer Jamil’s YouTube channel and Facebook page.
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Day 13 In A Nutshell – Weed The Garden of Your Ego, #YourRamadanHub Xtra

If you missed the livestream of the two extraordinary short talks Shaykh Walead Mosaad gave, you can listen to them in full on the SeekersHub podcast on iTunes. Please subscribe for automatic updates. If you could take a moment to rate the podcast and leave a review, we’d really appreciate it! In the meantime, we present you with #YourRamadanHub Xtra – the best of the day’s events in a nutshell.

 

Let’s #GiveLight to Millions More

We envision a world in which no one is cut off from the beauty, mercy and light of the Prophetic ﷺ example. A world where the dark ideology of a few is dwarfed by radiant example of the many who follow the way of the Prophet ﷺ. But we can’t do it alone. We need your support. This Ramadan, we need you to help us #GiveLight to millions more. Here’s how.

My Fiancé Does Not Like Me Keeping in Contact With My Non-Muslim Male Cousin. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am the only Muslim in my family. I have a close relationship with one of my male cousins. I have known him since he was a baby.

My fiancé feels it is inappropriate to maintain any relationship with my cousin. I cannot conceive of cutting off this relationship.

What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer which is pleasing to Him.

Family ties

Keeping family ties is an integral part of our deen, even if they are non-Muslim. Many of the Companions had non-Muslim relatives, and they showed exemplary good character towards their non-Muslim family.

However, your fiancé does have a point. How would you feel if he had the same level of closeness to his female cousin? Feelings of protective jealousy are healthy and normal in a spouse, but as always, balance is key.

Discussion

Sit down and have a honest talk with your fiancé. Try your best to understand his point of view, and calmly explain your perspective. Help him understand that by treating your non-Muslim cousin with compassion and showing good character, you are inviting him to Islam. From what you have described, you care deeply for your cousin, and there is no greater good than having him and his family embrace Islam.

Try your best to reach a middle ground which puts both you and your fiancé at ease. If Whatsapp audios make him feel uncomfortable, is there another way you can keep in touch? Is your fiancé willing to befriend him?

If these steps are not acceptable to your fiancé, then you need to make a decision about how to move forward. This issue will not go away until you deal with it. You know he disapproves of your relationship with your male cousin, so don’t expect him to change his tune after you marry him.

A cornerstone of a successful Islamic marriage is sincere concern for one’s spouse, even during times of disagreement. I encourage you and your fiancé to complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life to help you both learn how to deal with resolving conflict.

Limits

Although it is encouraged for you to maintain family ties, it is important that you do so with wisdom, and within the guidelines of the Shari’ah. Your closeness to your male cousin is problematic, despite your good intentions. He is not your mahram, and that emotional closeness is something only for your non-marriageable kin. There is wisdom behind that, even if we cannot see it right now. Trust that Allah wants only what is good for you, even if it causes you pain.

I pray that when you marry, your husband will be the coolness of your eyes, and your dearest companion. Over time, you may find that your heart will incline less towards your cousin, and more towards what pleases Allah.

Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to help guide you in a way which pleases Him. Trust that whatever you give up for Allah’s sake, He will replace with far, far better.

Please refer to the following links:
Should Converts Break Ties With Non-Muslim Family Members?
Friendship With Non-Muslims: Explaining Verse 5:51
The Protective Jealousy (Ghayra) of Spouses
A Reader On Gender Interaction

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: 玄史生

Sunnahs for a Healthy Community

Is your community torn apart by petty jealousies, conflicts and apathy? Do you feel like you don’t belong, or have nowhere to turn to for spiritual fulfillment?

Our friends from SeekersHub Perth Point composed a list from the One Body Study Circle, where Ustadh Amjad Tarsin offered from practical tips of how to rejuvenate those community bonds and nurture healthy communities.

The greatest crime: Apathy of good people & spiritual cannibalism

  • The greatest crime is not the evil of evil people, it is the apathy of good people.
  • One of the great scholars (ulema) of our times, Murabit Al Hajj, could never handle backbiting. When it occurred, he would stop it, or walk away.
  • The Prophet said, whoever relieves a tribulation or difficulty for a believer, Allah will remove a calamity from them on the Day of Judgement. We have a degree of duty of mercy to all of humanity and all of creation.
  • Whoever veils the faults of another Muslim, Allah will veil their faults in this world and the hereafter, and whoever exposes the fault of another Muslim, Allah will expose their faults.
  • A lot of people commit sins, then they feel like they can never get close to Allah. That is from the devil (Shaitaan), not from our faith.
  • Backbiting is like spiritual cannibalism, and it’s very easy to fall into.

Prevention of harm…or establishing the good?

  • A principle of sharia is the prevention of harm is of a higher priority than the establishment of benefit. The Prophet ﷺ, said at the end of times there would be a lot of bloodshed. He gave us advice: to keep our tongue and keep our hands away from evil. This means not to incite not to incite things verbally, and to not actually engage in the harm of others.
  • The Prophet ﷺ said to assist your brother whether he is the oppressor or the one being oppressed. Assisting an oppressor means to stop them.

I was sick and you did not visit Me…

  • Visiting the sick builds love, and the Prophet ﷺ said the one who does not show compassion to the elderly is not one of us.
  • Allah will say on the Day of Resurrection, “O son of Adam, I was sick and you did not visit Me.” The person will say, “O my Lord, how can I visit you when you are the Lord of the Worlds, You are unlike your creation, You are free of any possibility of even having something like this.” Allah will say, “Did you not know my servant was sick and you did not visit them?” If you had visited that person you would have found Me with them.”

Watering the tree of love…not macho enough?

  • Imam Al Haddad said brotherhood and sisterhood is like a tree; you water that tree by visiting each other from time to time.
  • According to hadith, a man was walking on a path for the sake of Allah to visit a brother. An angel appeared before him and asked, “Where are you going?” The man said, “I’m visiting someone who is beloved to me.” The angel asked, “Is there something you need from him, like a favour?” The man said, “No, I’m just doing it for Allah. “The angel said, “I bring you glad tidings from Allah, that Allah loves you for you going to visit your brother.”
  • The Prophet ﷺ said that if you love someone you should tell them. Nowadays, people feel too macho to tell each other that they love them.
  • Another thing that cultivates love is giving gifts; gifts that they would like.
  • Nowadays people give nicknames that are offensive or silly. Give people nicknames that are beautiful.
  • Defend the honour of people even if they don’t know about it, and make duaa for people in their absence. Make duaa without them even asking you.
  • Make excuses for people, look for their good qualities. It’s easy to look for the bad qualities of any human, however, we should be searching for their good qualities.
  • Reconciling between people is very important, as people are able to hold a lot of grudges against each other. It’s so important that it’s even permissible to lie to reconcile between people.
  • Habib Ali Jifri mentioned that a good way to know your place in another’s heart, is look inside yourself and see how much you love them.
  • A teacher’s love for their students is far greater than the students love for them. The teacher may not express it in words however their love and concern is greater.
  • Cornell West said that he has seen a lot of people who are successful in life because they were supported by someone who gave them a lot of love. In contrast, many people who have difficulty in life were not shown much love. That’s why the Prophet ﷺ said, “You will not enter paradise until your faith is complete and your faith is not complete until you love one another. Should I tell you what will build love between each other? Spread the Salaam (greetings of peace) between each other.
Feature photo by IIOC Masjid Omar AlFarouk.

 

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