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Halal Relationship at School

Ustadh Salman Younas gives advice on marrying against the wishes of parents.

There are sometimes you love a lady and the lady loves you too and is ready to live with you. but the problem is from both parents. They are not ready for you to get married since you are still a student and poor. And the parents of the girl want someone rich for their daughter.

Is there any possibility to make your relationship halal since parents are against it and two of us are true lovers? Due to fear of Allah we want to make the relationship halal, but due to parents avoidance it might lead to something bad as the barriers are only the parents not the two of us.

The dilemma that you find yourselves is understandable. On the one hand, you have found someone that you would like to marry, but given your age and status, it is proving difficult to convince the parents. 

In this situation, the default is that one should not go forward with a marriage that is kept secret from the parents. Rather, one should have patience, put the relationship on hold, and then have a frank discussion with their parents regarding the situation they find themselves in.

This is admittedly not easy, but parents have rights, and they are entitled to our respect as the Qur’an and sunna clearly affirm. To go behind their back and get married would generally be seen as a contravention of this. 

Similarly, marriage comes with responsibilities. One cannot simply rush into a marriage based on feelings alone without being able to fulfill these responsibilities. 

I would advise you to read the following answer for a more detailed answer on this issue, which relates to a case similar to yours: Can We Get Married Without Involving Our Parents?

Salman

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

My Adopted Parents Keep Rejecting My Marriage Proposals. Can I Go Ahead Without Their Permission?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am an adopted girl. My mother is still alive. My adopted parents do not want me to get married because they don’t want to take responsibility for my marriage. There is a boy I want to marry but they have ignored him. Can I marry with my biological mother’s permission?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah grant you ease in this difficult situation.

Balance

You have the right to marry a Muslim man of good character and religion. However, your adopted parents also deserve to be treated with respect, consideration and kindness.

I strongly encourage that you and your suitor complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life when registration reopens. Please make this a priority, and please do not take any drastic action until you have completed this course.

Solutions

Please find and consult a compassionate local scholar or a community elder who can speak to and reason with your adopted parents.

“Among the signs of success at the end is the turning to God at the beginning” [Aphorism of Ibn ‘Ata illah Al-Iskandari]

Please do everything in your power to win over your adopted parents before you do your nikah. Please perform the Prayer of Need, give in charity with the intention of seeking Allah’s favour, make regular istighfar, and salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).

Because your father has passed away, you do not need your adopted father’s permission to marry. But I am concerned that if you mishandle this situation, you will damage your relationship with your adopted parents. Who will you turn to when you support and guidance during your time as a newlywed?

Marriage is more than you and the man you want to marry. Marriage is also about families coming together, and that brings both ease and hardship. The first year of marriage is often a big adjustment, even in the best of scenarios.

Patience

Until you resolve this matter peacefully, I urge you to limit your contact with the man you wish to marry.

Yes, the threat of falling into zina is real when you are already emotionally attached for so many years. However, rather than think that the only solution is to rush into nikah, take a step back. Give yourselves some time to cool things down. Ask yourself, “How am I making this better or worse?” If you know that seeing or talking to him regularly is only inflaming your desire and his, then please take a breather. When you do meet, please ensure you are chaperoned.

Please be honest with yourself. If you are already involved in sin, or are very close to it, then don’t delay your nikah. Again, this is your last resort, and not your first.

I pray that Allah blesses you with a tranquil marriage which brings you and your loved ones closer to Allah.

Please refer to the following links:

Can I Marry Without My Parents’ Consent?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Philip Halling