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Can a Son Force His Mother to Wear Hijab?

Ustadh Farid Dingle is asked whether a son can force his mother to wear hijab.

Can a teenage son force his mother into hijab or certain types of clothing?

A teenage son cannot force his mother to do anything, but he can and must, just like anyone else, command her to comply to Sharia which includes wearing the hijab and dressing modestly.

Please see What Are the Requirements of Hijab? for more detail.

It would be a good idea for both mother and son to read these together too: A Reader on Calling to Allah, Giving Advice, and Commanding the Good.

I pray this helps.

Farid

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

The Patience of Umm Ayyub

Umm Ayyub was an ordinary lady with extraordinary patience and strength.

She was a very ordinary women, so ordinary that you wouldn’t notice her. She was so ordinary that I still don’t know her name to this very day.

I don’t remember where I first met her, or when I met her. In fact, I don’t  think I ever actually met her. Rather, I’d see her, floating around in the background at various masjid and community organization events across the city.

She always wore the exact same clothes, a dark blue hijab and a white square hijab, folded over her head and secured under her chin. She said very little. In the beginning I thought that she didn’t speak English well, but later I found out that her English was quite good, despite the fact that she had recently immigrated from the Middle East with her husband and their two little girls.

Her husband was a very nice man, always helping others and driving their daughters to Qur’an classes at the masjid. From what it seemed, they were a stable and happy family.

All this time, I didn’t really take note of her. I didn’t even know she was pregnant with her third child, a boy, until someone from the community told me that she had gone to the hospital to deliver, only for the medical staff to inform her that his heart was no longer beating.

She gave birth to a stillborn baby, and named him Ayyub, after the patient Prophet, peace be upon him. The janazah prayer was held in the masjid and then the tiny coffin was taken to be buried.

Patience In Losing A Child

It can’t be easy to lose a child at any stage, much less through a stillbirth. The Umm Ayyub must have felt extremely sad, but she bore it all with extraordinary patience. Some sisters who visited her said that she was up and taking care of her family as normal. The words “Alhamdulillah” were always on her lips. After such a difficult situation, doing routine things takes enormous courage and strength, and she must have had a lot of it.

I didn’t think too much about her situation, besides sympathizing with her difficulties. Later, as I grew older and wiser, I learned more about the enormous rank granted to mothers whose children have died.

In a Hadith related in Sahih Tirmidhi the Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, said:

“When someone’s child dies, Allah Most High asks His angels, ‘Have you taken the life of the child of My slave?’ They say yes. Allah then asks them, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They say yes. Thereupon He asks, ‘What has My slave said?’ The Angels say, ‘He praised you and said, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un (To Allah we belong and to Him we will return)’ At that Allah replies, ‘Build a home for my slave in Jannah and call it ‘Bayt al-Hamd’ (The Home of Praise).’”

Khalid al-‘Absi said, “A son of mine died and I felt intense grief over his loss. I said, ‘Abu Hurayra, have you heard anything from the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, to cheer us regarding our dead?’ He replied, ‘I heard the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, say, “Your children are roaming freely in the Garden.” (Bukhari)

If there was one thing I learned from this experience, it was that sometimes the most amazing people are not the ones that we look up to most. Sometimes, they are the most ordinary people that we don’t notice.


How to Divide Inheritance After a Parent’s Death?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

My mother just passed away but hasn’t left any sort of will to her name. She verbally said a few things to us her children but nothing written. How do we correctly deal with her finances in light of the Sharia?

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. My deepest condolences to you and your family. May Allah magnify your reward, bring you solace, and forgive your mother, and grant her the very highest stations in Paradise. Amen. May Allah also reward you for striving to correctly deal with your affairs during this difficult time.

Division of inheritance

When dividing inheritance various factors have to be considered, such as any debts due, bequests, the range of possible inheritors present, such as children, spouse, parents, siblings etc., their specific numbers, as well as the male and female among them. These factors influence the way the inheritance is distributed. As such, one would need the full details to work out the estate division in each case.

For this reason, it would be necessary for you to consult a qualified and reliable local scholar and go through your specific case. If there is no Shafi’i scholar that you can access, then I would suggest that you consult any scholar who fulfils the above criteria, even if they follow another madhab, such as the Hanafi madhab, which may be more readily available in your area. At least this way, the estate inheritance division would be legally valid in one of the schools, and the obligation would be lifted.

Benefiting your mother

The Prophet ﷺ has said, ‘When a human being dies, all of his deeds are terminated except for three types: Ongoing charity, a knowledge (of Islam) from which others benefit, and a righteous child who makes du’a for him.’ [Muslim]

Despite the deep grief and sense of loss we feel when a loved one departs from this world, especially our mothers, God, through His Infinite Mercy, has made it that there are many ways to still benefit our departed loved ones. The best of these is giving charity on their behalf, making sincere supplication for their forgiveness and reward, and by the child themselves striving to be pious, so they can be a source of Mercy and honour for their parents.

Please also read this answer, which may be of further benefit: How Do We Deal With the Death of a Loved One?

May Allah grant your mother mercy and peace, and your hearts consolation, serenity, and deep faith.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

Should I Confess to My Mother Something Wrong I Did to Her?

Answered by Shaykh Farid Dingle

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I have commited a sin towards my mother so bad that I’m afraid to tell her. Should I confess to my mother and tell her everything or should I just sincerely ask for forgiveness from Allah and her?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahamtullah wa barakatuh,

Your mother

You clearly know better than I that the rank of the mother in Islam is something really great. Allah Most High has conjoined the command to worship Him alone with kindness to parents saying, ‘And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Should either o of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.’ [17:23] A man came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, who has the best right to my kind companionship?’
‘Your mother,’ replied he.
‘Then who?’
‘Then your mother.’
‘Then who?’
‘Then your mother.’
‘Then who?’
‘Then your father.’
[Bukhari and Muslim]

Having a general feeling of guilt that one has not given one’s mother her due, is a sign of iman and faith in Allah, as long as it doesn’t go to extremes. In reality, this feeling is an extension of of unlimited indebtedness to Allah Most High that extends to all those of His creation that He employs to our benefit.

Telling others of one’s sins

Generally speaking, as you have mentioned, sins should not be shared with another, even if they are against the person you wish to mention it to. However, if it involves financial or legal rights, you must mention it to someone, so that you don’t add insult to injury and withhold a right of theirs.

Conclusion

If it sin does not affect her rights or it can or has been repaid finacially or otherwise, then just repent to Allah.

I pray that this helps,

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Farid Dingle

Shaykh Farid Dingle grew up in a convert family in Herefordshire, UK. In 2007, he moved to Jordan to pursue traditional studies. Shaykh Farid continues to live in Amman, Jordan with his wife and kids. In addition to continuing his studies he teaches Arabic and several of the Islamic sciences.

Shaykh Farid began his journey in sacred knowledge with intensives in the UK and Jordan (2004) in Shafi’i fiqh and Arabic. After years of studying Arabic grammar, Shafi’i fiqh, hadith, legal methodology (usul al-fiqh) and tafsir, Sh. Farid began specializing in Arabic language and literature. Sh. Farid studied Pre-Islamic poetry, Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid, and Andalusian literature. He holds a BA in Arabic Language and Literature and continues exploring the language of the Islamic tradition.

In addition to his interest in the Arabic language Shaykh Farid actively researches matters related to jurisprudence (fiqh) which he studied with Shaykh Hamza Karamali, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, and continues with Shaykh Amjad Rasheed.

My Mother Is Having an Extra-Marital Affair. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My mother is having an extra-marital affair and is having zina with that person. What should I do, as in Islam, children are not allowed to say a word to their parent. Should I say something to her or just pray to Allah for her guidance?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for my delay.

Affair

I am deeply sorry to hear that your mother is having an extra-marital affair. This must be incredibly heartbreaking for you. I pray that Allah grants you the wisdom and guidance to deal with this tribulation.

Parents

It is reported on the authority of ‘Abdullah that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) observed: The best of’ the deeds or deed is the (observance of) prayer at its proper time and kindness to the parents. [Sahih Muslim]

I strongly encourage you to enrol in the SeekersHub course Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents. This will give you a solid foundation on how to interact with your mother, even under better circumstances. In short, it is sinful to disrespect your mother by raising your voice, belittling her, or other forms of rude behaviour. It is not disrespectful for you to calmly and gently speak about how worried you are about her.

Consider

You know your mother best. Will speaking to her lead to her actually leaving her sin? Or will it potentially create a rift between the two of you? Is there anyone else you could confide in, who could actually influence her? If you do approach someone, ensure that it is someone trustworthy, who will not disclose your mother’s sin to anyone else.

Prayer

Reach out to Allah to turn your mother’s heart. Perform The Prayer of Need and ask Him to help her make a sincere repentance.

If you are unsure about how to best approach her, then please perform The Prayer of Guidance. Watch what Allah unfolds for you. For example, if He makes it easy for you to speak to her about this, then that is a sign that it is better for you to bring it up. On the other hand, if it is too difficult for you to bring this up to her, then that may be a sign that it is better for you to leave it.

Writing

If it is difficult for you to speak to her, perhaps you can write her a letter. Start with stating how much you love her, then list how concerned you are about her affair and appeal to her conscience, then end it with more affirmations of your love for her.

Responsibility

Allah Most High says: “And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.” [35:18, Qur’an]

Please remember that your mother is an adult, and she alone will answer for her choices. Her decisions may wound you, but you are not responsible for them. Please do not blame yourself. It is up to her to decide the path that is pleasing to Allah. Nobody can force her.

Self-care

Please look after yourself during this time. Know that there is no shame in seeking out support from a culturally-sensitive counsellor, psychologist or therapist. You need to process your feelings of anger, grief and betrayal.

Keep up a daily spiritual practice of dua/awrads to keep you nourished and grounded, alongside exercise, a healthy diet, and mindfulness. Sit in the company of people who remind you of Allah. Draw strength from SeekersHub’s collection of scholarly podcasts and lesson sets.

Patience

Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that a person said: Allah’s Messenger, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).” [Sahih Muslim]

This may be very difficult for you to hear, but even though your mother is committing a major sin, she is still your mother, and deserving of your love and dua. She is especially in need of your dua because of her trial.

Extra-marital affairs are often the result of long-term unhappiness, discontent and disconnection from Allah. It may take a long time for your mother to find her way back, unless Allah wills. Consider this an exercise of building your patience and compassion.

I pray that Allah brings about the best possible outcome for you and your mother.

Please see:

Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Mother Is Not Muslim. How Can I Help Her?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I’m 15 years old and I’ve always wanted one thing – for my mum to become a Muslim. She loves Islam, she defends it anywhere, and she even tells me to pray. She was brought up with a Christian/Orthodox background but she doesn’t practice ever since she married my father. How do I help my mother?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Mother

Abu Huraira reported that a person said: “Allah’s Messenger, (upon him be blessings and peace) who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness). [Sahih Muslim]

Dear questioner, your mother is blessed to have you has her child. Your deep concern for her Akhirah is proof that your parents have nurtured you well.

Nobody can force belief into another’s heart. This is a gift from Allah alone. However, there is still much you can do to positively influence your mother.

He said, “My Lord, put my heart at peace for me, and make my task easy for me, and remove the knot from my tongue, so that they may understand my speech.” [Qur’an 20:25-28]

I suggest that you perform the Prayer of Need and recite the dua of Nabi Musa for eloquence (see above). Make the intention to have an honest and sincere conversation with your mother. You do not know her feelings about Islam until you ask her, but from your description, it sounds like she is already very supportive of your deen. Perhaps you can start with asking her how her feelings are about Islam. Consider this the start of an ongoing conversation over many weeks, months, and maybe even years.

When you feel she is ready, ask her what could be stopping her from becoming Muslim. Remember to approach her with an attitude of respectful curiosity. You are concerned about hurting her feelings. This is a possibility, as any difficult conversation comes with risk. However, speak to her gently, kindly, do not push her into a corner, and apologise if you do speak out of line.

Dua

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that: the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “One of you will be responded to, so long as he is not hasty, saying: ‘I supplicated, and I was not responded to.’” [Tirmidhi]

Never, ever underestimate the power of dua. It can be challenging to keep making the same dua when you do not see any immediate change, but please persist. You are not responsible for the outcome, but you can do everything in your power to do your part.

Self-care

Please learn to manage your anxiety and worry about your mother. Instead of getting frustrated at yourself or your mother, focus on what is within your control. In addition to dua, consider practising strategies from this website: Emotional First Aid.

Decree of Allah

Narrated Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him): The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “When Allah created the Creation, He wrote in His Book–and He wrote (that) about Himself, and it is placed with Him on the Throne–‘Verily My Mercy overcomes My Anger.'” [Bukhari]

Rest your heart with the knowledge that Allah’s Mercy is vast. He knows how much you love your mother. Trust that, even if it takes time, He will never let you down.

Please see:

Am I Accountable if My Family Doesn’t Practice Islam?
Dealing With Non-Muslim Parents (II)
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Mother Is Hurt Because I Don’t Talk to Her About Me Being Abused. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I do not want to tell my mother that I was emotionally abused by a man she trusted. She is hurt because of my reticence. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Mother

You are in a delicate situation. On one hand, you do not want to worry her. On the other hand, you do not want to shut her out.

It sounds like your mother is in need of reassurance. It is sinful to hurt her feelings, and it is also sinful to backbite about your ex-partner without good reason. The key here, as always, is balance.

Backbiting

In certain situations, backbiting is permissible. This man has emotionally abused you, so if another woman enquires about him for marriage, then it is obligatory upon you to warn her. With this intention of warning others from harm, then it is permissible for you to divulge that to your mother.

Is Backbiting Permissible for Marriage Prospects?
When Is Backbiting Permissible?

It is not your responsibility to protect his image. Doing so will make it easier for him to abuse the next woman he gets involved with. I am not suggesting that you spread the truth far and wide, because that would be sinful. I am encouraging you to tell the truth to your mother, and to please ask her to keep it in confidence unless someone else enquires about him for marriage.

Details

I suggest that you be start off by giving your mother as much information as you are comfortable with. You do not need to give her specific details.

Role play what you expect her to say, and prepare yourself for her probing questions, her upset feelings, her defensiveness – or whatever else you expect. Remember to keep calm.

Heal

Your mother loves you. Give her the opportunity to support you through your healing journey. Please lean on her during this time of loss and healing for you. The ending of one bad relationship can lead to the beginning of a far healthier one. I recommend that you read “Before You Tie The Knot: A Guide For Couples” by Salma Elkadi Abugideiri and Imam Mohamed Hag Magid.

Spiritual nourishment

Wake up in the last third of the night and perform the Prayer of Need. Pour out your sorrow to Allah. This is a precious time, between you and your Creator.

Please consider enrolling in a SeekersHub course, or listening to lesson sets and/or podcasts.

I pray that Allah grants you the gifts of a righteous and loving husband and children who will be the coolness of your eyes. Once you become a mother, then you will better understand the vast love and concern that your mother has for you.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Reader on Backbiting

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

An Exhausted Mother’s Eid Reflections, from Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil gives thanks for the little things in life.

As I began to write this from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, my daughter sat beside me, playing with her Lego Duplo train set. Alhamdulilah, she turned two on Eid, and I am constantly reminded of the innumerable blessings and changes she has brought into my life.

On the morning of Eid, we drove to the nearby Kampung Tungku mosque to pray. I smiled at the families walking to the mosque ; young children were carried by their parents, the elderly were supported by their children, and everyone wore festive traditional clothes cut from the same bolt of cloth,

When we approached the mosque, the elderly were given the ground floor to pray, while the rest of us went up the stairs. To save time, I carried my toddler up, and got her settled in before Salatul Eid began. I sat closer to the back, next to another mother with her small children. My daughter was eager to wear her small telukong (prayer garment) after she saw me put mine on, alongside all the other women.

Right after I raised my hands in prayer, my daughter’s telukong slipped off her head. She’s still figuring out how to put it on by herself, so she repeatedly called out to me,  “Mummy, help Taskeen wear telukong.” I worried that ignoring her could lead to a tantrum, so I made dua that the imam would read one of the shorter chapters. I was reminded of this beautiful hadith:

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin Abi Qatadah, from his father that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “I stand in prayer, then I hear a child crying, so I make my prayer brief, because I do not want to cause hardship for his mother.” [Sunan An-Nasai]

This is the mercy of our Beloved Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) who acknowledges the helplessness of a praying mother while her baby cries.

Last year, when my daughter was one, she cried and cried as I performed the Eid prayer. She was still so little then, so I broke my prayer, out of my own distress and my fear of distracting the rest of the congregation. Alhamdulilah, one year later, there was no crying, and she was able to wait until I finished two cycles of prayer. Progress! This is how I measure how far we have come: how much uninterrupted time I get in the bathroom; how many cycles I can pray before she starts calling for me, how long she can play with her toys on her own – these are the fruits of our hard, loving, real work together, as a family. My part-time jobs as a teacher and writer are my break from my full-time job as a mother.

Sadly, across the world today, we live in a time that does not value women’s work. There is no GDP or dollar sign attached to the countless tears we wipe away, the meals we lovingly prepare, and the endless diapers we change. And yet, these daily, loving acts of nurturing helps to build secure and loving human beings.

I am intimately connected now, to the brutal truth that comes with raising a child. It is relentless, everyday toil that brings both joy and pain. On good days, my toddler warms my heart with her memorable antics. On bad days, I struggle to stay calm in the face of the emotions that overwhelm her.

In the light of my all-consuming stage of motherhood, I look back wistfully to my past Ramadans of long nights of worship and Qur’anic recitation. I cannot help but compare these blessed times to the bare bones Ramadan since my baby was born. I can only pray and hope that Allah will accept the little that I do now, help me do better, and overlook my imperfections.

There has been so much tragedy this past Ramadan. I reflect on the violence perpetrated by ISIS and other extremists, and I wonder what went wrong. What broke inside these young men, to make them such vessels of violence? How can they commit these atrocities, in the name of a religion that cares deeply for the welfare of plants, animals, children, women and men? I can only pray that the light and mercy of Islam reaches their veiled hearts.

If you are an exhausted mother reading this, then trust that Allah knows every ache of your tired heart. Nothing is lost on Him – every tear you shed, every smile you bravely wear for your children, and everything you have sacrificed for them. God willing, your loving presence with your children will plant seeds of Prophetic mercy in their hearts. Your innumerable hours, days and years with them are never, ever wasted.

May these seeds we plant sprout strong, deep roots. May our children be the vanguards and sources of light and peace in a world so fractured by hatred and violence.

Resources for seekers on motherhood and parenting

My Fiance’s Mother Has Changed Her Mind. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My fiance’s mother has changed her mind at the last minute, and no longer wants him to marry me because I am “not family”. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Culture

Certain cultures place a strong emphasis on marrying within family, especially upon migrating to the West. Even though the parents may think this way, often their children do not. This is a very common and painful generational conflict which plays out in the arena of marriage, over and over again.

In short, your future husband’s mother does not have a valid reason for disagreeing with his choice of spouse. It sounds like she is upset at the thought of losing her son, which is a common fear faced by a future mother-in-law.

Solutions

For the sake of your future marital happiness, I strongly encourage you and your future husband to do your utmost in winning over his mother. Make copious dua in the last third of the night. Perform the Prayer of Need. Treat her with impeccable adab. Send her gifts. Speak to elders who can advocate for you. Be infinitely patient with her. She is, after all, the mother of the man you wish to marry.

Education

I encourage you both to complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Learn about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage, and how to manage conflict like the one you are facing.

Balance

It was narrated from Ibn Abbas that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

If you have exhausted all avenues and your future husband’s mother is still unhappy, then it is permissible for you to get married without the consent of his parents. However, please prepare yourselves.

Expect the fallout that comes with him marrying against his parents’ wishes. You and your husband must be strong, and brave. He must continue to maintain ties with them, even if they threaten to cut ties, and so on. It is important for you to also treat them with compassion and respect. If they treat you poorly, then excuse yourself, and limit interaction with them. Make dua for them.

Even in worst case scenarios, the birth of a grandchild often smoothes things over.

I pray that Allah blesses your marriage and softens the heart of your future mother-in-law.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Met Someone at College, but My Mother Said We Cannot Get Married. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I met someone at college, but my mother said we cannot get married.

Should I hold on to this man or listen to my mother’s instincts and end this? Will hurting his feelings be a sin considering he is willing to wait for me?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Mother

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “There are three supplications which are answered: the supplication of the person who is wronged, the supplication of the traveller, and the supplication of a parent for his child.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Please look after your mother’s heart. Her duas for you are accepted, and it would wise for you to heed her advice. Mothers have years of life experience, and a love for you that is unfathomable, until you become a mother yourself.

It would sinful for you to remain in a pre-marital relationship. I encourage you to end this relationship with dignified restraint; his feelings will inevitably be hurt, as will yours, but it would be far worse for you to persist.

Tests

Allah places people in our lives to help us refine our character. You are very emotionally attached to a man you are not married to, and you have a very serious decision to make. You can either continue in a state of sin, or free yourself through sincere repentance.

I see a few options, and both involve ending your relationship with him:

1) End this temporarily

If he says that he wants you by his side in his old age, then logic would entail that he would have to marry you. If he truly is serious about you, then he will take all the means necessary to win over your parents and seek your hand in marriage. It would be better for you both to stop seeing each other until you can actually perform a nikah.

2) End this permanently

Give him up for the sake of Allah, and trust in His promise that He will grant you far, far, better.

Prayers

Please continue your sincere effort to perform your obligatory prayers. Use that as a barometer of your closeness to Allah.

I encourage you to wake up 15 minutes before Fajr, and perform The Prayer of Need. Ask Allah to help lift this tribulation from your life.

Marriage

I strongly encourage you to complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Please learn about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. In Islam, love is more than attraction, and getting everything you desire. Learn about what qualities you need to look for in a husband, and what qualities you need to have as a wife.

Ask yourself, which is better for your dunya and your akhirah: A husband who will tell you, with kindness, when you are being unreasonable, or one who will give in to your every whim? True love is what brings you closer to Allah, and not what pleases your lower self.

Repentance

The door to repentance is open for as long as you are alive. Ending a pre-marital relationship can be very difficult, so please reach out for support. Lean on your mother, and others who are close to you. Recite and listen to more Qur’an.

Moving forward

“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!” [Qur’an, 13:28]

Dear sister, please save your heart for the man you are destined to marry. I pray that he is out there, somewhere. Orient your life back to what pleases Allah, and always let that be your guide. Only His Pleasure with you will grant you lasting, long-term contentment.

Please see:

A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.