Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil gives advice on dealing with an inability to orgasm in marriage.
I’ve been married for over a year to my husband and haven’t reached orgasm. I understand that it takes longer for a woman to orgasm than it does for a man, but that’s not a reason for me to not have reached orgasm from all the times we’ve had sex thus far. Although we’ve had multiple conversations about what can be changed in bed for me to orgasm, I haven’t yet.
I’ve been reading up on it, and it’s said that knowing what pleases you is important, and that’s achieved by masturbating. My lack of orgasms has really put a hamper on our sex life, which is important in a marriage, so I was wondering if it would be permissible in this case to masturbate as a way to sort this all out?
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us about such an important topic.
Lack of orgasm
Dear sister, please know that you are not alone in your struggle to achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse.
Every woman is different. Because it is sinful for you to masturbate, please refrain from using your own hand. Know that you can ask your husband to use his hand, instead. Remember to use a lot of lubrication. It is perhaps much easier for you to orgasm through clitoral stimulation instead of vaginal, at this early stage of your marriage. You have the rest of your marriage to enjoy each other, insha Allah.
Islamic sexual education
I suggest that you and your husband read the book Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations as a way of helping you along your journey.
Orgasm is something that cannot happen if you are stressed. It will, insha Allah, when you let go. This is much easier said than done. Could you consider perhaps taking the pressure off, and just enjoy the journey for now?
What is your marriage like, outside the bedroom? Are you and your husband still able to be playful with each other? In an online workshop, Hakim Archuletta said that foreplay begins in the morning when you’re nice to each other, do small things for each other etc.
It may be worthwhile seeing a female pelvic physiotherapist for help. Speak to her about how she can help you with your sex life.
I recommend that you seek counseling with Sister Megan Wyatt of Wives of Jannah. She has couple of coaching packages which may work for you and your husband. If cost is an issue, then perhaps you can consider her free eBooks about marriage and intimacy.
I suggest that you and your husband perform the Prayer of Need. May Allah bless you with a loving, healthy and vibrant sex life, as well as the gift of children, when the time is right.
Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.