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Married but Cannot Climax

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil gives advice on dealing with an inability to orgasm in marriage.

I’ve been married for over a year to my husband and haven’t reached orgasm. I understand that it takes longer for a woman to orgasm than it does for a man, but that’s not a reason for me to not have reached orgasm from all the times we’ve had sex thus far. Although we’ve had multiple conversations about what can be changed in bed for me to orgasm, I haven’t yet.

I’ve been reading up on it, and it’s said that knowing what pleases you is important, and that’s achieved by masturbating. My lack of orgasms has really put a hamper on our sex life, which is important in a marriage, so I was wondering if it would be permissible in this case to masturbate as a way to sort this all out?

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us about such an important topic.

Lack of orgasm

Dear sister, please know that you are not alone in your struggle to achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse.

Every woman is different. Because it is sinful for you to masturbate, please refrain from using your own hand. Know that you can ask your husband to use his hand, instead. Remember to use a lot of lubrication. It is perhaps much easier for you to orgasm through clitoral stimulation instead of vaginal, at this early stage of your marriage. You have the rest of your marriage to enjoy each other, insha Allah.

Islamic sexual education

I suggest that you and your husband read the book Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations as a way of helping you along your journey.

Please consider this too: Predictable Passion: Could you The 6-Step System To Build And Sustain The Passion Your Marriage Needs To Thrive Again

Relaxation

Orgasm is something that cannot happen if you are stressed. It will, insha Allah, when you let go. This is much easier said than done. Could you consider perhaps taking the pressure off, and just enjoy the journey for now?

What is your marriage like, outside the bedroom? Are you and your husband still able to be playful with each other? In an online workshop, Hakim Archuletta said that foreplay begins in the morning when you’re nice to each other, do small things for each other etc.

Pelvic Physiotherapy

It may be worthwhile seeing a female pelvic physiotherapist for help. Speak to her about how she can help you with your sex life.

Couples Coaching

I recommend that you seek counseling with Sister Megan Wyatt of Wives of Jannah. She has couple of coaching packages which may work for you and your husband. If cost is an issue, then perhaps you can consider her free eBooks about marriage and intimacy.

Prayer

I suggest that you and your husband perform the Prayer of Need. May Allah bless you with a loving, healthy and vibrant sex life, as well as the gift of children, when the time is right.

Please see Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

Raidah

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

What is the Ruling of Two Women Masturbating in Front of Each Other?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam
Question: If a girl masturbates in front of another girl without touching her is it lesbian intercourse or actual fornication in Islam?
Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray that you are in the best of health and faith, insha’Allah.
Masturbation is impermissible and sinful.
However, it is not fornication (zina) whether or not a person is present.
Please see: A Reader on Pornography and Masturbation and: Mutual Masturbation Between Spouses
Masturbation has many personal and societal ill-effects that are known and recognized in sane traditional societies and by balanced people. The early Muslims used to say, “The one who weds his hand is accursed.” [Ibn Humam, Fath al-Qadir]
Please see: Is Masturbation Sinful? How Do I Stop?
And Allah alone gives success.
Wassalam,
Tabraze Azam
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani

Mutual Masturbation Between Spouses

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question: Is a wife permitted to masturbate her husband and her husband permitted to masturbate her?
Answer: In the name of Allah, the inspirer of truth.
All praise is to Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate, and all blessings and peace to our Master Muhammad, his family, companions, and those who follow them.
Ibn ‘Abidin clearly states the permissibility of mutual masturbation between the husband and the wife, quoting the Mi’raj al-Diraya as saying ‘And it is permitted to masturbate with the hand of one’s wife’. However, elsewhere in al-Durr al-Mukhtar (upon which Ibn ‘Abidin is commenting) Imam al-Haskafi quotes the Jawhara al-Nayyara as saying ‘It is disliked if one enables one’s wife … to play with one’s penis such that it results in ejaculation’. Ibn ‘Abidin explains that the ‘dislike’ here must mean, at most, somewhat disliked (makruh tanzihan) so it does not negate what ibn ‘Abidin quoted earlier from Mi’raj al-Diraya concerning the lawfulness of this act.
Ibn ‘Abidin further explains the difference between this and masturbating with one’s own hand, which is clearly forbidden except in exceptional circumstances, as being that in the former one is satisfying oneself with that which is permissible to gain satisfaction from, namely a part of one’s spouse all of whom one is permitted to seek sexual satisfaction from, whereas in the later one is not.
He adds that therefore just as masturbating with one’s hand is forbidden so is masturbating with one’s own thigh or a wall or any other object.
Based on this reasoning and the explicit text mentioned above concerning the permissibility of a man masturbating with his wife’s hand it can be concluded that the reverse is also permissible, namely the wife’s masturbating with the husband’s hand.
[Radd al-Muhtar, 2:400, 4:28, al-‘Ilmiyya]
And Allah alone gives success.
Faraz Rabbani