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I Am in an Impermissible but Healthy Relationship. What Should I Do?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I am in a relationship which I know is haram and we have also done haram in the time we spent together during meetings and now people are getting suspicious but as a couple we are helping each other islamically which is making our attachment even stronger and harder to break. What am I meant to do?

Answer: Assalam ‘alaykum. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Though the situation may feel complex to you, the solutions are actually very simple. There are only really two options for you both: You either get married or you break up. There is no third option.

Getting Married

Allah Most High has commanded us to keep away from going anywhere near unlawful relationships, ‘And approach not fornication; surely it is an indecency, and evil as a way’ [17:32]. ‘Approaching fornication’ begins with the eyes and ears, then speech, then touch, and so on.

If you are both suitable for marriage, then I first suggest you have your friend speak to your father directly and ask for your hand in marriage, or, have his family approach your family. If you are serious about being with each other, then marriage is the only lawful way for this to happen. Allah has permitted us to marry in order to preserve chastity.

Breaking up

If marriage is not an option, then you must break off the relationship, for your sake and his. Breaking up means cutting off all communications with each other (including text messaging, etc.). If this needs to be done, send an email stating what needs to be done, and then move on, without going back and forth.

It may be hard, but the reality is that you cannot help each other Islamically if your being together is unislamic. While love is an important factor in any relationship, the true and highest meaning of an Islamic relationship is that which is done for Allah, and within the boundaries Allah has set forth.

If you really can’t get married, breaking up may be a true sign of your concern for one another, in this life and the next.

Repentance

Whether you marry or not, you must both pray salat al tawba. This consists of two cycles of prayer, sincere du’a for forgiveness, and a genuine and firm resolve not to return to the sin again (including talking with each other without need). I would also recommend giving some charity as a way of atonement, even if a small amount.

I wish you all the best, and that Allah guide you both to that which is pleasing to Him, and increase you in obedience to Him.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

How Do I Mend a Broken Relationship?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I was in a relationship with a view to marriage that broke down 6 months ago. In hindsight, there was a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and heightened emotions that dissolved the relationship.

Are there any dua or prayers that can help reconcile broken hearts and mend relationships?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Broken relationships

“And no (moving) living creature is there on earth but its provision is due from Allah. And He knows its dwelling place and its deposit (in the uterous, grave, etc.). all is in a Clear Book (Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuz – the Book of Decrees with Allah).” [Qur’an, 11:6]

If Allah has destined marriage for you with this person, then it will happen. If Allah has not, then I pray that you come to peace with that. Trust that when Allah closes one door, then it is only a matter of time before He opens a better one for you.

Prayer

Please perform The Prayer of Need. Beg Allah to heal your heartbreak, and to bless you with a loving and tranquil marriage. Ask him to restore your relationship, if that is what is best for your deen and dunya.

Continue to perform Istikhara about pursuing marriage to this person. A positive istikhara means that she will return to your life and you can resume your marriage talks. Has this happened? A negative istikhara means that she will not return to your life, and marriage to her will not happen. It is difficult to remain objective when feelings are involved, so keep praying istikhara until you gain the clarity and contentment which you need.

Communication

Moving forward, it is critical for you to learn better communication skills. Communication is an art that requires a lot of patience and practice. Learning how to listen and respond non-defensively can be very difficult at first, so make dua for ease and commit to self-improvement.

Dr. Gottman’s 3 Skills (and 1 Rule!) for Intimate Conversation
Exercise: The Art of Compromise
Marriage is Not a Big Thing, It’s a Million Little Things

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Was in a Sinful Relationship. Will Allah Forgive Me?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I was in a sinful relationship with a guy but feel so guilty, ended it, cry and repent every day. I’m still a virgin. Will Allah forgive me? Will He still consider me as pure? If this guy tells my parents, can I deny it?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Repentance

“If any one does evil or wrongs his own soul but afterwards seeks Allah’s forgiveness, he will find Allah Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Qur’an, 4:110]

Dear sister, please trust in Allah’s Love and Divine Concern for you. A sincere repentance makes you pure again, and if Allah wills, He can transform your bad deeds into good deeds. Please strive to perfect your repentance, as best as you can, and have a good opinion of Allah. Your repentance could be the means of you attaining an even higher rank with Him.

The conditions for repentance are well known:

1. Leaving the sin;
2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
4. (If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]

(Excerpt from What is Sincere Repentance? by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani)

Spiritual Connection

What is your relationship with Allah like? I encourage you to do regular acts of devotion with the intention of drawing closer to HIm. Start by completing your obligatory acts first, then beautify your acts of worship by adding supererogatory acts of worship. Take small, consistent steps which you can then build on.

I also encourage you to podcasts such as Content of Character and The Rawha. Nourish your heart with the waters of obedience to Allah, and your limbs will follow.

Parents

It is obligatory for you to hide your sin. Because of this, if he does speak to your parents, then you are obligated to lie to them, and deny that it happened. Please refer to this answer to help you understand this better: Is It Permissible to Lie In Order to Conceal Past Sins? by Shaykh Faraz Khan.

Marriage

It was narrated from Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Longing for companionship is normal and healthy. Please channel this into marriage. I encourage you to enrol in and complete the course Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. In the meantime, you can download free downloadable lesson sets on Getting Married. A successful Islamic marriage requires far more than love and attraction. It requires a lifelong commitment to exercising sincere concern for your spouse, for the sake of Allah, through the sweetness and bitterness of life.

I encourage you to begin the conversation with your parents about you getting married. Raise your concerns. Let them know about the kind of person you would like to marry.

I pray that Allah grants you a complete repentance and, when the time is right, the gift of a successful marriage.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Reader on Repentance
Can One Lie About Past Sins?

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.