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How to Deal With Overbearing Parents Who Want Control of My Money

Answered by Shaykh Rami Nsour

Question: Salam,

I live with my parents. They have always been strict and very difficult to deal with. I am losing patience to a point where I wish to ignore my parents and avoid them. They demand money from me. They want control of all my money. I used to give them money before I started graduate school, but explained to them it is difficult to give them money now and otherwise I will be forced to take interest loans. They say they don’t care and they want me to take interest loans so I can give them money. I help with expenses and help with other things but they strictly want cash from me. They are not poor but they still demand money. They are very upset with me when I don’t give money to a point where they verbally abuse me and make me feel like I am a horrible daughter. I have always been obedient.  Most of my issues have started since I began working. They believe I am hiding money for some reason and lying that I need money to pay school.

I am not sure what to do, please advise.

Answer: May Allah give you patience to deal with this difficult situation. Always remember that you have rights and your parents have rights. You have to be patient while to trying to make sure that you fulfill their rights without angering them unnecessarily while at the same time not compromising your rights.

If a parent does not have wealth and is unable to work, it is the duty of the children to financially support the parents. This financial support is whatever is within reasonable means of the child or children. If the parents are at a financial state that is reasonable for them, the child is not obligated to give them financial support.

If a child wants to give anything extra to the parents, that would be a great charity containing a lot of reward. If the child does not have any money, then he or she would not have to do anything prohibited to get that money. Taking on interest bearing loans would be a major prohibited act (kabira) thus you would not have to do that to get money for your parents.

In all your dealings with your parents, uphold the best character even if they are angry with you. Your reward will be with Allah.

[Mawlud, The Rights of Parents]

I encourage you to take the following course on The Rights of Parents: The Rights of Parents

And also review some of our answers to people in situations similar to yours:

Interest, Parents, & Upholding Good Character 

Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents

Advising My Father to Keep a Beard

Marriage to a Non-Practicing Convert and Betraying My Father’s Trust

Answered by Shaykh Rami Nsour

Question: I was born and raised Muslim but was not religious. I met an older non-Muslim man. He converted to Islam to marry me. Then, after being married for a while, I felt that I was missing something significant in my life. I became closer to Allah and started wearing my hijab. I told my husband that I cannot live with him if he is not a practicing Muslim. He was reluctant initially, then he expressed his interest to learn about Islam. He started praying and going to the masjid to learn Quran.

I still have guilt inside me and need guidance. I feel like I betrayed my father who put a lot of trust in me. He isn’t aware of the above details.  

Answer: May Allah reward you for reaching out to ask about the situation that you are dealing with. The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessing be upon him, would praise the women of Medina saying that they did not shy away from asking questions about their religion. I personally do not feel as though I understand the reality of your question, but I will try to answer and give advice to the best of my knowledge.

Being Muslim is the Most Important Thing

If your husband converted to Islam, then that is the most important thing. One’s Islam is the capital of their spiritual investment and actions are like profits to the investment. This does not detract from the importance of practice of the faith, but it is to show the grand nature of faith alone.

Once, Abdullah the son of Umar (may Allah be pleased with them), looked at the Kaaba. He said, “How wonderful you are and how wonderful you are in the sight of Allah, and the status of one believer is grander than you.” So, sister, if your husband professed the faith of Islam, he is more precious and valuable than the Ka’bah. Keep this in mind.

Continue to Encourage Him to Improve

You have taken a great step in encouraging him to improve on the practice of his faith. You should continue in this firm resolve and help him improve while you yourself also improve. The only thing to remember, is that while you and he work on the practice of Islam, you have to pace yourselves.

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, instructed us to take the practice of this faith while pacing ourselves so as not to burn ourselves out. At the same time, you have to realize that you may “run” faster spiritually than your husband. So, two things to remember are; 1) is that don’t allow your speed to be slowed down by him and 2) Be patient with the runners who cannot run as fast as you.

Consult the People of Knowledge

The way to pace yourself is to keep in constant contact with the scholars and ask them advice at every point of this journey you are on. As Muslims we cannot be guided through our personal opinions or feelings, rather we have to ask when we do not know. Allah has said, “Ask the people of knowledge if you do not know.” Feel free to reach out to us here at the Answer service for Seekers Hub Global to guide you along your journey.

Your Duty to Your Father

As for your relationship with your father, I would not be able to advise anything since I do not know the details of what transpired between you to make you feel like you betrayed your father. What I can say is that as long as you were following the tenets of the religion, you have completed your duty. If there were matters your father wanted of you and they were above and beyond the obligations of the religion, and beyond your capability, you will not be held responsible for them.

We offer a course on the Rights of Parents that you may consider taking so that you can gain more insight onto the true nature of what you obligated to do for your parents. See: The Rights of Parents

I pray that my answer assisted in some way. Please let me know if there is anything else that I can advise you about.

Rami Nsour

Related Answers:

Obeying Parents in Matters of Marriage

My Husband Doesn’t Pray: How Do I Advise Him?

How to Advise a Non-Practicing Muslim

Obeying One’s Parents and Maintaining Ties of Kinship

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: My question is what if a mother is telling you to cut of ties with her as the daughter will not leave her husband on her say so. The daughter does by force sometimes go to see them but mother does not speak with her. Is the daughter at fault here? As she has no problem with her husband and also feels that a divorce is something displeasing to Allah.

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray that you are in the best of health and faith, insha’Allah.

No, the daughter is not at fault. She appears to be doing her best given her circumstances and she will have her reward with her Lord.

The Narration (hadith)

A man came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! There is a young man who is approaching death. It is said to him, ‘Say: There is no god but Allah’, but he is not able to say it. So he said (Allah bless him and give him peace), ‘Didn’t he used to say it during his life?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘So what prevented him from doing so now?’ He subsequently mentioned the whole story.’’ [Musnad Ahmad]

The verifier, Shaykh Shu`ayb Arna`ut, notes that its chain of transmission is weak.

As for the remainder of the story, its chain is also very weak.

The Rights of Parents

Being good to one’s parents is an unconditional duty as per the Qur’anic command, ‘and do good to parents’ [17:23]

There are many manifestations of being ‘good’ to one’s parents and obedience is often one of them. There are some cases in which one would not obey one’s parents; such cases include obeying them in leaving obligations (fard), doing something unlawful (haram), non-fulfillment of rights and the like. However, even in cases where in one does not obey them, one is still duty-bound to be ‘good’ to them.

Moreover, parents don’t own their children. Therefore, she will not be expected to leave her husband on her mother’s say so. However, in such instances, one must respond with gentleness and wisdom.

Maintaining Ties of Kinship

It is obligatory to maintain ties of kinship and cutting ties is a grave sin.

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the ties of kinship.’ [Bukhari]

`Abdullah ibn `Amr reported: “The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘A person who maintains ties of kinship is not someone who only does so with those who maintain ties with him. A person who maintains ties of kinship is someone who restores them when they have been cut off.’” [ibid.]

What is emphasised is one’s maintaining the ties of kinship when others cut them off. So, she should keep visiting, give gifts and pray for her mother. And by her upholding righteous character, Allah may well turn her mother’s heart back towards her, insha’Allah.

And Allah alone gives success.

Wassalam,

Tabraze Azam

Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani