Choosing Phone Over Family

Reconnecting With Family

Question: My husband neglects me & the kids. He chats on social media all day long, even in the toilet, at the dinner table, and ignores us. He lies and says it’s work but it’s not. Often, all I get from him is a greeting. I constantly tell him to stop. I applied for a fasakh but he lied to the counselor. I feel lonely. When I discuss it with him, he ignores me. He doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t want to make time for me either. I don’t have any other adults to talk to but him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

I am so sorry that you are going through this hardship and I empathize with your pain. Some people don’t handle the use of the internet well and it destroys their time and relationships. I pray that your husband comes to understand your needs and learns how to balance his obligations with his personal entertainment.

Faskh or khul`

My understanding is that a Faskh can only be accomplished by an Islamic Court of Law after proving that your husband hasn’t supported you financially. Rather, in your case, a woman can apply for khul`, which is a release for payment. One would pay the husband a mutually agreed upon sum for him to release her from the marriage with his consent.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-women-stipulate-marriage-contract-right-initiate-divorce/

Communicating the problem

I recommend that you try fixing this marriage before walking away. There are many things that you can do, but I am afraid that telling him to stop isn’t one of them. You will have to take steps of having an honest, non-confrontational discussion about it, making technology-free zones in the house, turning up the intimacy, and making sure that you spend less time on the phone yourself.

I know a woman who had the same problem with her husband at the dinner table, so one evening, she overdid the salt in his dinner. He was shocked and asked her what happened to the food, and she said that she did it so he would speak to her at the table. After that day, he always spoke to her at dinnertime. Here are some ideas for you:

-Try inviting others for dinner, anybody, just so that he turns away from his phone and is forced to socialize.
-Try bringing up an interesting topic to him, such as sports, politics, or something else he likes.
-Try asking him to take you all out for dinner because you are tired and don’t want to cook.
-Try having him read stories to your children or take them to the park, appealing to him that they need to spend more time with him.
-Try getting him to help with their homework, or to buy certain things for them that they need for school.
-Try communicating with him through text message yourself, for this can often get a man’s attention.
-Last but not least, explain to him that the children need his love and attention and a male role model, or they will just grow up and ignore their families too. This is contrary to any decent way of living, let alone the Prophetic way.

Resources

Please read these books and article and see which one strikes a chord with you, that you can act upon:
https://www.amazon.ca/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0743204441/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8063/phone-addiction-ruining-relationship/

Please see these articles for excellent advice about internet addictions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-reconnect-to-my-husband-who-is-addicted-to-his-phone/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/log-off-live-life_b_1220542?fbclid=IwAR1p1-ItMHGFNwo6_7eZxAIGT9mXqL9Kxm4gdVXmKSveYlUhKIX4RvEo7xU

Please see this article for advice on addiction in general:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/advice-to-a-young-man-with-ocd-and-struggling-with-pornography-and-other-major-sins/

May Allah make it easy for you to move forward in a positive and loving marriage and help your husband realize that he is wronging himself and others. May Allah make it easy for all of you to change and grow together.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Interest-bearing Loan on Wife’s Name

Question: If a husband takes debts on the wife’s bank account, will she be the one who is in debt in front of Allah? He did not even tell her about it first. How should a wife deal with such behavior? The husband cannot pay back the money as quickly as he thinks and there are letters coming in that she has to make payments. This situation is very stressful for her because of usury.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have to go through this situation and I understand your frustration at your husband’s actions. It is wrong, and unmanly to treat a woman like this and to be comfortable with going at war with Allah over usury.

Are you responsible?

I don’t understand how your husband was able to take a loan out in your name without your signature? Perhaps this is possible in a shared account, but in light of his actions, I would recommend that you keep your money in a separate account under your name alone.

As for your responsibility, if he did this without your knowledge, how could you be responsible? However, now that you are both involved, as the bank could come after you, too, I would do my utmost to put everything towards your debt and live frugally until you are able to pay it off. Remove the sin as quickly as you can because it will affect your family life and you may be devoid of blessings in your day to day life. See this expert’s advice for getting out of debt.
https://funcheaporfree.com/how-to-get-out-of-debt-in-3-simple-steps/

Stress

As it is, you are stuck in a situation and I don’t want you to get stressed about it. You can do your best to help your husband, and budget well, but you are not responsible to pay this debt yourself. Remember to see every problem that you have, as sent to you by Allah as a test. You must try to have the right reaction and trust in Him. Ask him to guide you to the best way to get out of this and strive to fulfill your other obligations to Him. Spend time learning your religion, involve your husband as well, and take time to de-stress. Spend time in nature, take your supplements, exercise, and push away thoughts that won’t help you. Make a plan and follow it step-by-step.

Resources

Please learn this du’a about debt and say it daily:
https://seekersguidance.org/podcast-feeds/prophetic-character/prophetic-cure-worry-debt/

Please listen to this series on debt and try to have your husband listen to it with you:
https://dev.seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/debt-destroys-lives-rizqwise/

The absolute best advice that I can give you to deal with your husband’s bold behavior is here in this article about usury:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/am-i-sinful-to-live-with-a-husband-who-is-not-concerned-with-avoiding-usury/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next and facilitate your getting out of this situation, soon.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Living With My Fiancé

Question: I am engaged to someone who has just reverted to Islam. I am a revert too and I am homeless so I live with him. I feel guilty because we hang out together alone and sometimes we hug and kiss (no intercourse) and the situation is tricky because we have to wait a little bit to do the nikah because of his family situation. We know we are getting married, but is this still zina? What should we do to be halal until marriage?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, but I commend that you are asking about what is correct according to your new religion and that you are striving to do the right thing. May Allah reward you eternally.

Gender interaction with the fiance

According to Islam, it is impermissible for you to live with your fiancé. Specifically, you may not touch him and you may not be alone with him. See the rules of gender interaction here. These same rules apply to interaction with a fiancé because a nikah has not yet occurred:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/

Nikah ASAP

The situation that you describe, and that the fact that you are both reverts, makes me feel that you must do your nikah as soon as possible. As you are both reverts, parental permission is not needed, but they should be informed, involved, and included with respect and love throughout the process. It seems to be a trick of the Devil, who is telling you to delay your nikah and not making you worry about incurring major sin on a daily basis.

Waswasa (baseless misgivings)

Ignore any misgivings or doubts, do what is beneficial for your hereafter, and avoid that which is sinful, for Allah’s rights are more deserving to be fulfilled than a need of the family’s. It is a direct command in the Qur’an not to approach zina (Qur’an, 17:32) and although this is not fornication, this is zina of the eyes and tongue, as you are both hanging out like partners, looking, touching, and getting close. Please get yourselves to a local mosque with two witnesses and start living like a married couple who can fulfill each other’s rights. See the conditions here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/minimum-steps-must-taken-marriage-valid/

Move-in with a female

If you are unable to have a nikah soon, I recommend that you move out and find a Muslim girl, even non-Muslim, to live with as soon as possible. This will be much better for you in every way. And if you tell him that you are serious about leaving, he may take doing the nikah more seriously.

May Allah guide you through this and facilitate your every affair and bless you in your future marriage.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying a Decent Christian Woman

Worth of Marriage Advice

Question: I have met at work a Christian woman who has very good character. I avoid dating and I don’t want to marry a Christian. However, after loving her character, I have fallen attracted to her. She may not even be interested to marry me or convert to Islam. I have low self-confidence that I need to fix before marriage. I would like some advice to reduce my attraction because I work a lot with her. Is marriage a solution?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration. You are working closely with an attractive and intelligent woman and you are right to ask what your options are.

Not optimal

The first thing you should know is that marrying a Christian woman is not an optimal idea for you. Because you are speaking solely on the basis of attraction, you don’t even know if she likes Islam and you can imagine how detrimental that could be for your children. Don’t ever take that risk. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad Ahmad]. Walk away before you get extremely attached.

Marry for religion

Rather, marry a girl for her religion which was the strongest advice that the Prophet gave us about marriage, may Allah bless him and give him peace, when he said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim].

A decent man like you, who doesn’t want to date, already fears Allah and you deserve a like-minded girl, who is modest, knows how to pray, and reads the Qur’an. You deserve a girl who will strive with you to make a decent, peaceful family home where Islamic principles are valued and respected. A Muslim wife will honor you according to Islam and raise her children to pray, believe in Allah and His Messenger, and learn His book. Please don’t be swayed and pulled in by this woman’s appeal.

Gender Interaction

Please review the rules of gender interaction below, strive to lower your gaze, and keep your communication formal and cordial if you are able. Fear Allah as much as you can. If you are able, you should immediately ask your family to help you look for a wife:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-gender-interaction/

May Allah bless you in this world and the next and may you marry a perfectly suited Muslim girl for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Rights of Parents

Forgiveness in Light of Being With The People

Question: I wanted to know the rights of parents and how much control do they have over you once you are an adult and is going against their wishes sinful? I have parents who throughout my life have been overwhelming and controlling in their approach towards me.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your parents are so controlling of you. It is not of the Prophetic character for them to be this way and a child does have a right not to be emotionally abused, coerced, and unduly pressured by the parents.

When to obey your parents

The best advice that I can give you is to read the answers at these links for they explain when a person should not obey the parents:

https://dev.seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obeying-ones-parents-and-maintaining-ties-of-kinship/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-may-parents-be-disobeyed-and-how/

Generally speaking, do not obey your parents if they try to forbid you from something obligatory or a confirmed sunna. Other than that, there are details explained in the links above. Try to be kind to them, well-mannered, and loving, and they will love you and be pleased with you even if they don’t agree with your actions. Being treated well is what most parents want and a smile and hug can make a lot of complaints disappear.

Deal with them as best as you can

If you find that your parents are difficult to deal with, sometimes, text them instead of calling or cut your visits a little shorter. Bring them nice gifts and meet them in public places or with friends so as to reduce the tension. Pray for them and help them when they need it. Also, communicate with them and don’t bottle your emotions up, it’s not healthy and can come out sideways in the future.

Please see: https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/extent-boundary-can-dysfunctional-parents/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-speak-with-my-parents/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can My Brother-in-law Hold My Wedding Feast/Walima?

Faith is Believing

Question: Can my sister’s husband hold my walima if I permit him to?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.

It says in the Reliance of the Traveller:

The wedding feast is a sunna (A: whose time never expires, though it is recommended to be after intercourse). The sunna is for the meal to consist of a sheep or goat (shah, def: h2.S), though it is permissible to serve whatever food is readily available [m9.1].

It is permissible for your brother-in-law to hold your walima. I assume that by “holding“ your walima, you mean that he will pay for it and invite the guests. This is a praiseworthy act on his behalf.

Please see this article for more details:
https://islamqa.org/shafii/shafiifiqh/30244

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Is There Any Specific Supplication I Can Read to Find a Spouse?

Question: I am a 24-year-old unmarried lady. Is there any specific Du`a (Supplication) or surah I can read to find a spouse?

Answer: Assalamu alaykum sister,

I pray that you can soon find a spouse to complete half of your religion, but don’t obsess about it.

Allah, Most High, says, “It may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good” [Qur`an, 4:19].

“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know”[Qur`an, 2:216].

Being unmarried right now is from Allah, and accept that Allah’s plan is always better than ours. Fill your time with completing the first half of your religion and Allah will surely send you the best thing for you.

The Prophet said, may Allah bless him and give him peace, “Take benefit of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death” [Al-Hakim].

In the meantime, learn all of your obligatory Islamic knowledge, take a course with Seekers on preparing for marriage, Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage, exercise, eat healthily, learn skills that will help you as a wife or skills that can help you earn a living, etc. Keep yourself busy until you get much busier, in sha Allah. Your good deeds will not be lost on Allah, The Exalted.

See the following link for beneficial general du`as and the next link for a du’a for marriage from the Qur`an.

May Allah provide you with a righteous spouse, pious offspring, and eternal happiness.

Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
Difficulty In Finding A Spouse And Losing Hope

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

I am in Love and Want To Make Her My Second Wife

Question: I am in love with a girl of another Muslim ethnicity that I worked with. Five years ago, I proposed to her to become my second wife, and she rejected me, complaining to management whenever I spoke to her. Praise be to God that I didn’t lose my job. I have not spoken to her in the last five years, but now she is inclining toward me. Is this a blessing from Allah, the Almighty?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. No, I would not look at this as a blessing from Allah, but rather as a test.

Taking a second wife

It’s not right for you to take a second wife, because of the hardship and pain that it will cause your first wife. You will not be able to fulfill her rights and you won’t be able to see your children as much as you should. Please see these links for more details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-the-man-i-love-take-me-as-a-second-wife-despite-his-mothers-disapproval/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-a-husband-marry-a-second-wife-without-his-first-wifes-permission/

Ignore lust

Loving a girl is not enough to make a marriage endure and is by no means the right reason to get married again. I encourage you to restrain your gaze and to follow the rules of gender interaction when you are at work, lest the Devil occupy you with thoughts of a second wife. I also encourage you to rekindle your relationship with your wife and try new things with her. One must be willing to adjust and change in order to improve one’s marriage and drive away any thought of other women.

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Should I Accept a Proposal From My Relative Due To My Mother’s Death?

Question: I am a 22-year-old female. My mother passed away unexpectedly three months ago. Since then my father has been worried as I’m his only responsibility. My father wants me to get married to my mother’s cousin who is 28 years old. He respects my father a lot and is willing to let my father stay with me after marriage as I’m a single child and there is no one else to take care of my father. He also knows everything about my life. My father likes him because he is educated, prays, has a good family background, and is someone my father can trust. Should I approve of this marriage?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I pray that Allah envelops your mother in His mercy and that you are reunited with her in the hereafter, in a place where there will be no fear or grief.

Istikhara

The first step to making any decision is praying istikhara. This prayer of seeking guidance help one to turn to Allah before anyone else and give you the peace of mind and ease to move forward, if it feels positive. Please check these links for details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Prophetic advice

Check with the Prophetic sunna before you make your decision. Are you marrying him for his deen? The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari and Muslim].

Don’t be blinded by what your father wants. Step back and make sure that you are marrying him for religion and for his suitability to be a father to your children. If it is just convenience or pressure that is drawing you in, I beg you to reconsider.

Ask yourself

Ask yourself, if your mother was alive, would you marry this person? Would you even consider him? It is very honorable that your father wants to take care of you and fulfill his responsibility, but ask him if he is rushing this decision or whether he truly feels this is the perfect match for you. Although he is worried, this decision should not be rushed and he should be sure that this is not done in haste. Allah takes care of people’s affairs and we should rely on Him fully.

Live with him

If you feel that this person fulfills all of your criteria of a husband, and he has good character, then you should certainly pray istikhara, and if it’s positive, say yes. If there is truly no reason to doubt him, then don’t. However, I must caution you that living with your father after marriage, without your husband, is detrimental and it would be better for him to move into your house, so you can both take care of your father. Or you could both move into your own place and go to your father regularly to help him. A couple must never be apart and it can destroy a marriage. Neither party would be fulfilling their obligations nor getting their rights. This arrangement would be a disaster. Try to live together as soon as the nikah is done.

Prepare yourself

Please take this course on marriage before you jump into anything. Learn your obligations and rights and live a spiritual Islamic marriage as best as you can. Continue to help your father, but your husband’s authority will be above your father’s authority. Keep this in mind. I pray that Allah blesses you and gives you and your family the best in this world and the next.
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Muslim Woman Be a Fashion Model

Question: Is it possible for a woman to be a fashion model if she’s covered properly?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.

It is, in and of itself, permissible for a woman to become a female fashion model if she is covered properly and does not advertise the impermissible and is not involved in the impermissible during the process. She would have to fulfill all of the conditions of clothing: 1) that they are loose, 2) that they are not transparent, 3) that they cover the nakedness and 4) that they are modest.

See the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/is-wearing-a-jilbab-obligatory/
https://dev.seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/is-it-permissible-for-men-to-participate-in-modeling-clothing-lines/

There is a valid and strong opinion that photography is permissible, see the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/what-is-the-ruling-on-taking-photographs-of-humans/

The reality of modeling

Although we can deduce that taking a photo of a covered Muslim woman can be permissible, one should consider a great many other factors when choosing such a career path.

  • One would be putting oneself in the spotlight which contradicts the very modesty and simplicity that Islam teaches us.
  • By openly exhibiting one’s beauty to the public, men would see her, when they should be lowering their gazes. Why should she be associated with their sin?
  • Modeling might entail her husband’s displeasure, which would render her modeling sinful if done without his permission.
  • Many view this career path as tactless and undignified, as one is flaunting one’s beauty just to advertise consumerism and material gains. Modesty and restraint are considered the higher ground.
  • Using a woman’s looks and measurements as the basis of her livelihood puts her in a position of disgrace and lack of honor. A woman’s beauty was never meant to be displayed to promote purchases, especially for a tube of toothpaste or a bar of soap. A woman has been given a high degree in Islam and she should honor that rank by choosing her actions carefully.

In conclusion, if it is possible to model the right way, for very modest Islamic clothing companies or Turkish religious brands, perhaps even without showing the face, one would be in a much better position, but rarely does this industry get it right, so I don’t advise it. May Allah help you make the best decision and give you the best in this world and the next.

Anas ibn Malik reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Whenever there is modesty in a thing, it adorns it. Whenever there is indecency in a thing, it debases it” [Albani].

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.