Is It UnIslamic to Refuse to Hug Grandparents?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How should children be taught to balance respect for their personal space while still honoring elders in an Islamic manner? Does allowing them to refuse physical greetings, such as hugs from grandparents, encourage disrespect?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Yes, it is generally unIslamic and disrespectful to encourage a child to refuse a hug with grandparents.
Personal Space
Personal space is a concept applied differently across cultures. I encourage you to spend time in Muslim countries, if possible, to see how personal space is treated among the religious people there. Islamic culture includes handshakes, embracing one another, male friends holding hands in the street (without any blame), and kissing on the cheek. Family members in some Muslim countries expect it.
Respect
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and respect to our elders.” [Tirmidhi]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was kind and affectionate, but he never forced physical contact. Rather, he did it as a healthy expression of love and affection, something that is sadly missing from Western culture, a culture that has started to suffer from touch starvation.
Children
If a child is uncomfortable with hugs and kisses, I encourage you to teach him/her to overcome it. Skin hunger or touch deprivation is a condition that occurs when one experiences little to no physical contact with others. It can happen due to isolation, social anxiety, cultural norms, or circumstances like living alone or during lockdowns. This can cause loneliness, depression, stress, anxiety, Difficulty sleeping, feeling disconnected or unfulfilled, and reduced immune function due to lack of oxytocin, the “feel-good” hormone released by touch.
That being said, there are exceptions. A child who smiles, gives salams warmly, places their hand on their heart, and shows respect in other ways is not blameworthy. (Though honestly, the latter is usually reserved for non-mahram family members.) Refusing all physical interaction with elders shows a lack of proper etiquette and can be detrimental to the soul’s well-being.
Dua
Please say this dua for guidance daily:
‘Ali said that God’s messenger told him to say,
اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِنِي وَسَدِّدْنِي
“O God, guide me and dispose me to do what is right,” keeping in mind when asking for guidance his being guided in the right way, and when asking for disposal to do what is right an arrow’s faculty of hitting the mark. [Muslim]
Please see these links as well:
- Is Hugging on Eid an Innovation (Bid‘a)?
- Kissing and Hugging Mahrams
- Raising Children with Deen and Dunya
- Traditional Methods of Raising Children
- What Are the Steps for Raising Children with an Islamic Upbringing?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
