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Moving Away From my Husband

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: If I have moved away from my husband to live in another country, does he still have to support me financially?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

The default between husband and wife is a relationship between forgiveness and openhandedness. Allah Most High says, ‘And do not forget giving more to each other.’ (Qur’an 2: 237)

That said, at the same time there is a Sacred Law that defines and protects the rights of each spouse, and in the circumstance that the wife moves away from her husband to live in another country for her own reasons, he is not obliged to support her financially, even if he permitted her to travel. (Fath al Muin, Millibari)

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Repentance

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: How do I repent from having boyfriends in the past, and how can I ask Allah to make my current suitor my husband?

Answer: Dear questioner,

Thank you for your valued question. May Allah give you light, knowledge, and practice.

My advice would be to first repent wholeheartedly for your past and completely avoid the people and places that let you to the haram. This is really, really hard, but it is the only way you can really repent.

With regard to your current suitor, you should just come to a decision and get married. If you don’t socialize with your former suitor, or go to places where he or his friends are, he shouldn’t be able to meddle with you.

Repentance

To repent from sin means that you genuinely regret doing it, actually stop doing it, resolve never to do it again, and repay anyone whose rights you have squandered in the process. (Riyadh al-Salihin, Nawawi)

Part and parcel of resolving to never do it again are to completely change your environment and friends. We simply do not have the moral muscle power to withstand the pressure of bad peers and bad places, so we have to vote with our feet, and go somewhere else.

One of the Early Muslims was so shocked by his sins that when he repented he actually walked out of his house (in which he was sinning) barefoot. Thenceforth he was called Bishr the Barefooted-One.

The point is not what is on your feet, but rather the depth and totality with which one turns around.

Emotional pain is also part of the process. Please see: Pain Is an Expiation

The New You and Men

Repentance also means that there is a new way that you interact with men—new shyness, distance, professionalism, what have you.

This will really help you with your current suitor. Just think about how Sayyidna Musa got married; he had just helped two young ladies to water their flocks, and the Qur’an explains the rest:

‘Then one of the two women came to him walking on shyness. She said, “Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us.” So when he came to him and related to him the story, he said, “Fear not. You have escaped from the wrongdoing people.”

‘He said, “Indeed, I wish to wed you one of these, my two daughters, on [the condition] that you serve me for eight years; but if you complete ten, it will be [as a favor] from you. And I do not wish to put you in difficulty. You will find me, if Allah wills, from among the righteous.” ‘ (Qur’an, 28:25, 28:27)

Because she was shy and meek, Allah put baraka in their meeting, and they got married. This is how all Muslim marriages should begin.

This meekness also applies to your husband-to-be, and if you need to meet to discuss your marriage, it should be with a mahram or in a formal setting where you are not alone. It shouldn’t be a social thing, like having a coffee together or anything like that.

And as the scholars say, ‘He whose beginning is bright and shiny, his end will be bright and shiny.’ (al-Hikam al-Ataiyyah)

For more details, please see:

How Should I Interact With Non-Mahram (Marriageable) Males?
Why Does Islam not Allow Boyfriends and Girlfriends?
Can We Deny Having Committed Sins After We’ve Repented From Them?

Conclusion

The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, ‘Allah is more joyful at the repentance of one of His slaves when he repents to Him than one of you would be over his riding mount were it to have escaped from him with all his food and drink [on its back] in the middle of the desert such that he had despaired of ever finding it and had gone to a tree to lie down in its shade, and then it suddenly appeared before him, at which he took it by its reins and then said out of joy, ‘O Allah, You are my slave and I am Your Lord!’ getting confused because of his sheer joy.’

InshaAllah, by the baraka of your genuine repentance, your new way of dealing with men in general, and your husband-to-be in particular, Allah will open everything up for you. You and your husband-to-be should just ignore the other man.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Custody Of A Child

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: Assalam u Alaikum, I have been a widow for 2 years. In the Hanafi fiqh, if I decide to marry again to a non-mahram, what custody and responsibilities will I have over my son and daughter? My father-in-law has stated he is the wali of the children, what age is this till?

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah

In cases of marital separation by death or divorce, the custody of young children normally immediately transfers to the mother of the children.

If the child is a boy, the mother has a right to keep him until he is able take care of his own needs, such as eating, drinking, and using the bathroom without assistance. This has been estimated to be around seven lunars years of age. And if the child is a girl, the mother has a right to keep her until she begins becomes an adult according to the Sacred Law (shari‘a). Thereafter, the custody rights transfer to the father. In the absence of a father, the next in line is the paternal grandfather, the brother, and finally the paternal uncle. This is the upshot, but there are, of course, details.

Child Custody in Cases of Remarriage

Abu Dawud reported a tradition (hadith) in which a lady came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah! My womb was a container for this son of mine, my bosom was a source of drink for him and my lap was a place of security and protection. His father divorced me and he wants to take him away from me.” So the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “You have a greater right to him as long as you do not marry.”

If a mother remarries somebody who is not a blood relative (mahram) of the child, she loses her right to custody. The reason for this is that her new marriage may busy her from giving sufficient attention to raising the children, and even if it doesn’t, it is assumed as such. Accordingly, the right transfers to the maternal grandmother and failing that, the paternal grandmother. Any time there is a death or a person is unfit or unable to look after the child, the right transfers to the next person. When the right is with other than a mother, both girls and boys have the same custody period.

Whenever the child becomes an adult, custody rights no longer apply. Hence, the children may choose where to live at this point. Similarly, and whenever the matter is taken to court, the verdict is going to be binding because it now becomes a procedural issue which one is normally bound to uphold. If this occurs in a non-Muslim country, the law of the land would need to respect. Hence, if the judge rules in favor of the mother, she would have the right to keep the children. Moreover, it is possible for somebody who has a right to forgo it, and thereafter, suitable living arrangements with the mother could potentially be organized.

Guardianship of Young Children

As for guardianship (wilaya), it remains in the hands of the paternal grandfather, as long as he is alive, who takes the place of his son, the father, normally until adulthood. The job of the guardian is to ensure that the child gets an education, medical attention, when and if required, and that his money and possessions are safeguarded. It doesn’t mean that he gets custody rights immediately because that is a separate set of laws.

(Qadri Pasha, al-Ahkam al-Shar‘iyya fi’l Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya; al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya; Kurdi, al-Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya)

Please also see: Who Gets Custody of the Children After a Divorce?

And Allah Most High knows best

[Ustadh] Tabraze Azam

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Tabraze Azam holds a BSc in Computer Science from the University of Leicester, where he also served as the President of the Islamic Society. He memorized the entire Qur’an in his hometown of Ipswich at the tender age of sixteen, and has since studied the Islamic Sciences in traditional settings in the UK, Jordan, and Turkey. He is currently pursuing advanced studies in Jordan, where he is presently based on his family.

Doubts About Marriage

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: I want to marry a man and he wants to marry me. The problem is that his mother wants him to marry someone else. What can we do?

Answer: Bismillahi al-Rahman al-Rahim.

Your suitor should make a wise decision based on advice from outside his family and the guidelines of the Sacred Law. Whoever he sees fit, he should marry. His mother is not his guardian, and he has to make decisions for himself.

Obeying One’s Parents

Our moral debt to our parents, and especially our mothers is something great indeed, and seldom we do really grasp what respect, reverence, and gratitude are due to them.

Allah Most High says:

‘And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.’ (Qur’an, 31: 14)

That said, respect and reverence, and care and financial support do not entail allowing them to ruin one’s life. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Let there be no harm or any harming back.’ (Malik, al-Muwatta)

So as long as there is no harm, he should obey his mother. For more detail please from the Hanafi school, please see: When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?

In the Shafi’i school, it would not be obligatory to obey one’s mother or father in such a request. (Bulqini, al-Fatawa)

A wise and grateful son would navigate his way through such a problem taking both positions into consideration, and being respectful, loving, and polite to his mother. But he would not marry someone he knows he cannot ever live with.

Please also see: Obeying Parents in Matters of Marriage 

Mama’s Boy

Many modern scholars of different schools of thought have warned of the over-involvement and control of parents, and particularly mothers, in their sons’ marriages. Sometimes, there is an all too close attachment between mother and son that is really not healthy. At a certain point, people have to realize that the married couple area new and independent family, and that the son is no longer a baby sitting on his mother’s lap filling her eyes with joy: he has moved on and has a life of his own.

Mothers may not take well to this realization, and it can sometimes require the son/husband to take the initiative and distance himself from his mother in order for the relationships to assume their proper mold.

Conclusion

Your husband-to-be should make his independent decision while being polite, caring, and respectful. He should also look at which of the two brides-to-be have the best character and religious practice.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid DingleFarid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to crafts lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Grave Visits

Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: My husband offers only Friday prayers and their family belongs to a sect. They visit shrines. Is my marriage valid?

Answer: assalamu alaykum

Yes, your marriage is certainly valid.

Missing prayer is sinful but a person does not become a non-Muslim due to it. You should gently encourage your family to perform their obligatory prayers when the right moment presents itself for presenting such advice.

Similarly, visiting shrines is permissible. It is no different from visiting any other grave.

Marriage is only invalidated through divorce, annulment, a khul’, or the apostasy of one of the spouses. The latter case has a very high threshold. We do not rule Muslims as disbelievers unless there is decisive and clear evidence in that regard. The issues you mention do not relate to belief/disbelief.

[Ustadh] Salman Younas

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Salman Younas was born and raised in New York and graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Political Science and Religious Studies. After studying the Islamic sciences online and with local scholars in New York, Ustadh Salman moved to Amman. There he studies Islamic law, legal methodology, belief, hadith methodology, logic, Arabic, and tafsir. Ustadh Salman’s personal interests include research into the fields of law/legal methodology, hadith, theology, as well as political theory, government, media, and ethics. He is also an avid traveler and book collector. He currently resides in Amman with his wife.

Heartbreak and Looking for a Blessed Marriage

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: I fell in love with someone married and we work in the same company. I don’t know what to do. Every time I see him with his wife it kills me inside. I have become depressed and I keep having mental break downs. Please advise me. Should I marry him? Should I leave him?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Practical steps

If I were in your shoes, I would just cut relations with him, and try my best to work in another company. You would not be doing anything haram, but it would make the heartbreak much easier if you just distanced yourself as much as possible.

It doesn’t sound like being a second wife will work out.

Please see: Can the Man I Love Take Me as a Second Wife Despite His Mother’s Disapproval? 

Building on love

We all know the adage ‘Love is blind.’ We all have to direct our deep feelings of love, adoration and obsession to the wider plain of being that it belongs to: Allah Mighty and Majestic.

The is a Persian maxim that goes: Fake love without real love is pointless, yet real love without fake love is pretty difficult. It means that loving this world or its creatures is a fake love that does not mean anything and is just worldliness. However, it is very hard to love Allah and worship Him fully if you have never tasted love, and usually, heartbreak.

Try and make a habit of reciting Surah ‘Qul huwa Allahu ahad’ and focus on Allah as the One to which your heart really turns to and needs.

I would also advise getting the book Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to crafts lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Marriage With a Minor.

Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum,

An individual shared the following opinions with me (see below). I had been taught that the minimum conditions for intercourse were (i) menstruation, (ii) being 9 years of age, and (iii) having a valid marriage contract.Is it permissible for a pre-menstruating individual to engage in intercourse simply based on her father’s permission to do so?

(1) Al-Nawawi:

“And the sleeping with a minor age wife and having intercourse with her, if the husband and the guardian of the wife agreed upon something that is not harmful for the minor age wife, it is legitimate and if they did not agree upon then Ahmad and Aboo Ubayd say that if she is at nine years of age she can be forced to, not the younger ones, and Malik and Shafi’i and Aboo Hanifah say that the criteria is that she can bear intercourse, and the differences of opinion about this issue comes from these scholars. But the correct opinion is that it does not depend upon age.

Source: Saheeh Muslim Sharh Al-Nawawi. Vol. 9, Pg. # 206.

(2) Ibn Hajar:

“Nikah of a minor age to an adult is allowed, there is consensus of scholars on this, even if she was in cradle, but he should not sleep with her until she can bear it.”

Source: Fath ul-Bari fi Sharh Saheeh al-Bukhari . Vol. 11, Pg. # 347.

Answer: Wa alaykum al-Salam

The quotations you presented above are correct and accurate in so far as the theory may be concerned. A young girl may be married if the following conditions are met.

1. Her father marries her off. It is not permitted for anyone, other than the father to marry her off.
2. The father must be sane and possess integrity.
3. There must be a benefit or welfare for the young lady in the marriage.

Once the young girl is married, she may move in with her husband and partake in sexual intercourse, whether she reached the age of puberty or not, when the following conditions are met:

1. The father permits and deems it an acceptable practice.
2. She could physically bear sexual intercourse
3. Society in terms of its practice and culture approves of it
4. That the law of the country one lives in, is not contravened.

Taking points 3 and 4 into consideration, one may safely deduce that sexual relations for minors would not be permitted in most countries around the globe today. Societies and cultures have changed and one has to follow the law of his country, as long as it does not contradict an injunction of the Sacred Law.

Governments are allowed to establish a law that sees to the welfare of its citizens. Citizens who fail to uphold this law, may not be held accountable in the court of Allah, but may be punished accordingly by the government. These concepts are well established under the branch of our Sacred Law known as al-Siyasah al-Shar’iyyah.

Finally, and as a last thought, the Shari’ah is realistic. While the idea of permitting a minor to engage in sexual activity sounds almost barbaric, the reality is that cultures are forever changing. What was accepted in Christian Europe a thousand years ago is of course no longer accepted in modern day Europe. In the current world, where sexual activity for minors are considered abhorrent, the reality is that so many easily available statistics speak of girls from the ages of 10 and 11 already being sexually active. The current author is in no way encouraging sexual activity for minors, but drawing to light that our religious texts, such as those quoted above, refers to a norm in both the Muslim and non-Muslim worlds of yesteryear. Some of which can still be seen in this modern age.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan
received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

Arranged Marriage Setting.

Answered by Shaykh Farid Dingle

Question: Assalamu alaykum

Muslims are expected to take the means to assess whether someone is suitable for marriage and in that limited interaction make what seems like the biggest commitment or contract in our life.

In an arranged marriage setting, this usually means meeting the person 3 or 4 times, asking some basic and hypothetical questions and then making a decision on suitability. How much can one know about a person from meeting them 3 or 4 times? How should one make full use of that limited interaction to assess suitability?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

You should meet as many times as you need. Often you can get a good idea from family members, colleagues and seniors.

As long as it doesn’t develop into a relationship, you can meet as many times as you feel you need. 3-4 is not a limit in the Sacred Law.

I hope this helps.

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Farid Dingle

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Shaykh Farid Dingle grew up in a convert family in Herefordshire, UK. In 2007, he moved to Jordan to pursue traditional studies. Shaykh Farid continues to live in Amman, Jordan with his wife and kids. In addition to continuing his studies he teaches Arabic and several of the Islamic sciences.

Shaykh Farid began his journey in sacred knowledge with intensives in the UK and Jordan (2004) in Shafi’i fiqh and Arabic. After years of studying Arabic grammar, Shafi’i fiqh, hadith, legal methodology (usul al-fiqh) and tafsir, Sh. Farid began specializing in Arabic language and literature. Sh. Farid studied Pre-Islamic poetry, Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid, and Andalusian literature. He holds a BA in Arabic Language and Literature and continues exploring the language of the Islamic tradition.

In addition to his interest in the Arabic language Shaykh Farid actively researches matters related to jurisprudence (fiqh) which he studied with Shaykh Hamza Karamali, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, and continues with Shaykh Amjad Rasheed. 

Husband Asking About My Past.

Answered by Shaykh Farid Dingle

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I have recently gotten married to a wonderful man. The only thing that has been bothering me is that he asks me questions of my past. A few years ago I used to smoke marijuana to help with my depression. I have since quit and it’s not something I’m proud of… My husband keeps asking me of whether or not I have smoked before.

What should I do?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Married couples should not pry into each others’ past. This is particularly the case about previous relationships, be they halal or haram.

Just answer in an all-but direct why, like, ‘No way, I never touch the stuff,’ meaning that you never actually touch the plant, or never touched the marijuana itself.

Please see this answer.

When he is not asking about that, just make a clear point to him that if he shouldn’t actually anyone about haram things, and he should give someone space when they give some resistance.

I pray this helps.

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Farid Dingle

Shaykh Farid Dingle grew up in a convert family in Herefordshire, UK. In 2007, he moved to Jordan to pursue traditional studies. Shaykh Farid continues to live in Amman, Jordan with his wife and kids. In addition to continuing his studies he teaches Arabic and several of the Islamic sciences.

Shaykh Farid began his journey in sacred knowledge with intensives in the UK and Jordan (2004) in Shafi’i fiqh and Arabic. After years of studying Arabic grammar, Shafi’i fiqh, hadith, legal methodology (usul al-fiqh) and tafsir, Sh. Farid began specializing in Arabic language and literature. Sh. Farid studied Pre-Islamic poetry, Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid, and Andalusian literature. He holds a BA in Arabic Language and Literature and continues exploring the language of the Islamic tradition.

In addition to his interest in the Arabic language Shaykh Farid actively researches matters related to jurisprudence (fiqh) which he studied with Shaykh Hamza Karamali, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, and continues with Shaykh Amjad Rasheed.

I Want to Marry Someone but He Wants Me to Wait Three Years.

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

In my first marriage, my husband treated me like a slave and so I got khula. I live with my parents now. I know someone very pious. A nice guy who prays 5 times a day and is also involved in Islamic activities. I always wondered and prayed to have a life partner like him.

But the problem is he is not ready for marriage now. He wants me to wait for 3 years. He has an elder brother who needs to get married first, and also he has some responsibilities so that he can’t marry me now.

But my parents have started searching for prospective husbands for me. They want me to get married as soon as possible.

What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Waiting for marriage

Dear sister, I am sorry about the pain you have gone through with your first marriage. May Allah ease your sorrow, and replace what you have lost with something better. Alhamdulilah, you are free to now make better choices.

Even though you are already emotionally attached to this young man, it is unwise for you to wait three years for him.

You describe him as being a practising Muslim who performs his prayers and does Islamic activities. This is praiseworthy, but not a guarantee that he will be a good husband for you. In fact, the way he is behaving right now is not a good sign of his character. The responsible thing for him to do was to not get in a relationship with you to begin with, because he knew his elder brother wasn’t married yet.

It is unfair for you to keep you a secret from his parents. You are an honourable Muslim woman deserving of the protection of marriage.

Moving forward

Your mother has every right to be concerned about you. She wants to protect your heart, especially because you have been hurt before.

The solution is not to hang around for three years until he is ready. What if his elder brother is not married by then? What if his responsibilities still remain?

I suggest that you end your relationship with this young man, and consign the matter to Allah. This will hurt, but know that you will overcome it, through Allah’s help.

Second marriage

Please know that it is not difficult for Allah to bless you with a loving marriage, the second time around. Please do your due diligence beforehand – this does not mean getting emotionally attached before nikah, but it does mean doing certain things like making dua and doing character checks.

If you are interested in marrying someone, what are his expectations? What was his parents’ marriage like? Men who are used to seeng their mothers being treated like slaves often expect the same from their wives. Does he treat the women of his family well? How does his father treat his own wife and daughters? These are all clues.

Also, please prepare yourself through this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Power of Dua

“Whoever fully submits themselves to Allah and is a good-doer, they have certainly grasped the firmest hand-hold. And with Allah rests the outcome of all affairs.” [Qur’an, 31:22]

Ultimately, do not underestimate the power of dua. Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, as often as you need to, and beg Allah for the gift of a loving and righteous husband.

Let go of this young man, and hold onto Allah.

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.