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How Long Is It Permissible To Date a Person Before the Nikah?

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Question: How Long Is It Permissible To Date a Person Before the Nikah?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.

Dating

According to the western definition, dating means one is actively going out alone with a person of the opposite gender and spending time with them regularly in hopes of finding a committed relationship. This type of dating is not permissible, as one is getting close to a non-mahram in the wrong way beyond the scope of the shari`ah. See the details below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/limits-of-relationship-between-males-and-females/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/why-islam-does-not-allow-boyfriends-and-girlfriends/

Getting to know someone before marriage

A person may get to know their prospective spouse as much as they need to before a nikah. They should speak, look at one another’s face and hands, ask questions and get to know their family. This should be done with supervision if they meet in person, and they should not be going out alone together. They may speak on the phone as well, but they should not overdo it, as it doesn’t take long to realize when someone is wrong for you, and one usually can tell the difference between getting to know someone to decide for marriage and simply hanging out.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-a-man-to-look-at-the-shape-of-his-potential-spouses-body/

Nikah

Once a couple has decided to marry, they should hasten their nikah and avoid long engagements, as this comes with too much temptation and the possibility of problems arising. Please see the resources below:

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophet-muhammad/four-keys-to-the-most-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/is-physical-intimacy-allowed-if-you-are-engaged/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 

Should I Marry This Moderately Religious Girl or Wait and Look for a More Religious One?

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Question: I’m strongly considering marrying someone, but I’m not sure if I have the right reasons. I know certainly that her wealth and lineage are not my reasons. What I’m not sure of is if her deen is my main reason for considering this marriage. I was initially drawn to her for her beauty, and since then, I have found her to be a decently religious person. Should I wait until I find someone whose more deen-oriented in her lifestyle to avoid my nafs (ego)?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your sincerity and your desire to act according to the Prophetic hadith. I am certain that with your noble intention, you will end up with the right girl by the grace of Allah.

Istikhara

Really, I can’t give you your answer because I know that you can find this answer in your heart. Pray istikhara, and ask Allah if this is the right girl for you. Ask her the most important questions first. Does she pray, fast, and wear hijab? How does she envision raising her children? What are her spiritual and material goals in life? Was she raised in a religious family? From this, you should gather sufficient information to help you finalize your answer, along with your istikhara.

 

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/the-reality-of-istikhara-2/


https://seekersguidance.org/answers/understanding-the-answer-to-my-istikhara/

Looks

Are looks important? Of course, they are, and a couple attracted to each other is more conducive to a loving and happy marriage, at least until they build a more solid foundation.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bless your union with whomever it may be.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can I Marry the Man I Love in Secret Because I Already Live With Him and My Parents Don’t Approve?

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Question: My parents don’t approve at all of the man that I want to marry. I live with him, but I will keep my virtue until marriage.  We talked about getting married in secret until my parents approve in the future, but right now, I don’t know the Islamic rules when it comes to that. I don’t want to disobey God when we are together.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Your situation sounds a little tricky, and I pray that open communication and istikhara can lead you to make the right decision.

Roommates

I am not sure why you live with him, but it is prohibited and sinful to live alone with a man who is not your mahram (unmarriageable family member). You should immediately move out until you pray istikhara and decide what to do. I can’t make this decision for you, as you may never obtain your parent’s permission in the future. Please see these links for tips on praying istikhara:

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Options

If your istikhara comes out positive, you should not marry in secret, but openly tell your parents that you feel positive about marrying him. Plead for their permission, have them meet again, give them time, and if they refuse, the superior thing is to walk away from this man. You don’t want to start a life with someone who doesn’t get along with your parents because of the undue stress on you and the marriage. Your parents deserve more respect than this. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “You never leave something for the sake of Allah, except that he replaces it with something better for you.” [Musnad of Ahmad]

If your istikhara comes out negative, you should leave this man and intend to marry someone with your parents’ permission. There are always great blessings in making decisions in your life that are in line with Allah’s pleasure and Islamic law; please don’t make light of them. Also, it would be best if you never made a decision based on what might happen, but rather, make decisions based on what is currently in front of you. I see that you are in an illicit relationship, living illicitly, with your parents’ disapproval. Is this guy really worth it? Does he think that it’s OK for you to anger your parents and your Lord for him?

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Do I Deal With a Family Who Is Pressuring Me To Marry My Cousin Back Home?

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Question: I am a 21-year-old Afghan woman currently in college in the United States. A week ago,, my mom and dad told me that I need to get married to my cousin whose family had asked them for my hand. I’ve been directly saying no to them,, but they were insistent that the family wants me,, and my grandfather and father have agreed,, and celebrated that I was given to them. I haven’t said yes at all,, and I’m afraid they will take me to my country and force in a nikah that I don’t want.
Answer:Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry for this predicament that you are in, and I pray that you can understand with your parents with mutual respect.

Saying no

A girl cannot be forced into marriage, especially if the boy is not suitable, and you will have to be strong and firm, as you state your position, and you may have to do so repeatedly. Please see these links for some tips on this situation:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-friends-mother-wants-him-to-get-married-to-her-niece-what-should-he-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-mother-force-marry-someone/
https://islamqa.org/shafii/shafiifiqh/29973

Two options

Try to sit down and explain your reasons to your parents, have open and honest communication. Tell them that you want to finish your degree and have certain goals you want to achieve. If they refuse to listen, at least tell them to wait until you graduate, so you can buy more time to talk to them.

Your other option is to consider this man. Have you spoken to him or seen him? Do you think that your parents actually might have chosen someone suitable for you, as they do care for your best interest? Is it possible that they know you better than you think? I urge you to speak to the boy before you say no, and see for yourself the reality of the situation. It would help if you had a basis for saying no since it is so important to your parents.

Istikhara

I recommend that you pray istikhara and actually consider him. Ask your parents and the boy in question to pray it too. Come back and discuss the results and feeling from your istikhara, then take it from there. Until then, ask Allah to help you, guide you and facilitate this matter for you. Turn to Him whole-heartedly, fulfill your duties to Him and rely on Him. By his grace, you will come out of this situation stronger and happier. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/how-do-i-deal-with-parents-forcing-me-to-marry-a-man-that-i-do-not-like/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria,, for two years,, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan,, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What are some Sunna etiquettes for the first night after marriage? Are there any supplications to be recited before intimacy?

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Question Summary

What are some Sunna etiquettes for the first night after marriage? Are there any supplications to be recited before intimacy?

Question Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

The following etiquettes taken from the Prophetic guidance should be upheld on the first night:

(1) Righteous Intentions

The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “All actions are based on their intentions.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

He also said, “Three people Allah has promised to assist: the one striving in the path of Allah,  the endangered servant who intends to fulfill their contract, and the one who marries intending chastity.” [Tirmidhi]

Other righteous intentions include having children who will be raised in the obedience of Allah.

(2) The Prophetic Supplication

The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When any of you marries a woman ….., then let them say,

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ خَيْرَهَا وَخَيْرَ مَا جَبَلْتَهَا عَلَيْهِ، وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شَرِّهَا وَمِنْ شَرِّ مَا جَبَلْتَهَا عَلَيْهِ

‘O Allah, I ask you of the good of her and the good of nature upon which you created her, and I seek refuge in You from the evil or her and the evil of nature upon which you created her.'”

In other narrations, Abu Sa’id added the following, “Then place your hand on her forehead and pray for blessing for the wife.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]

(3) Prayer

It is amongst the etiquettes for the newlyweds to prayer two units of prayer together.

(4) Supplication before Intercourse

The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “If one of you, when intending to approach their spouse, said,

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ، اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا
‘In the Name of Allah. O Allah, drive the Shaytan away from us. And drive Shaytan away from what You’ve provided us.’

Thereafter, if it is decreed that there should be a child between them, Shaytan will never cause it harm.” [Abu Dawud]

(5) Intercourse

Some of the Righteous scholars added the following to be recited (in the heart) by the husband at the time of ejaculation:

وَهُوَ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَ مِنَ ٱلْمَآءِ بَشَرًۭا فَجَعَلَهُۥ نَسَبًۭا وَصِهْرًۭا ۗ وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ قَدِيرًۭا
“And He is the One Who creates human beings from a ˹humble˺ liquid,1 then establishes for them bonds of kinship and marriage. For your, Lord is Most Capable.” [Qur’an; 25:54]

If one intends intercourse a second time, it is Sunna to perform ablution (wudu) beforehand.

The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “If any of you approaches their spouse then intends to return (i.e., repeat), let them perform their wudu like that done for prayer.” [Muslim]

Closing:

These are some of the Prophetic etiquettes relating to the first night of marriage. It is important that both the husband and wife approach each other in a way that both are comfortable with and with the spirit of mutual respect and understanding.

Even with the above, it is most important to understand the overall Sunnas of mercy, compassion, and sincere concern for the well-being of all. If these core Sunnas are applied throughout the marriage (not only on the first night), the marriage is sure to be successful.

Hope this helps
Allah knows best
[Shaykh]Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he then completed four years at the Darul Uloom seminary in New York, where he studied Arabic and the traditional sciences. He then traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he stayed for three years studying in Dar Al-Mustafa under some of the greatest scholars of our time, including Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Kadhim al-Saqqaf, and Shaykh Umar al-Khatib. In Tarim, Shaykh Yusuf completed the memorization of the Qur’an and studied beliefs, legal methodology, hadith methodology, Quranic exegesis, Islamic history, and some texts on spirituality. He joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.

What Should a Couple Do When They Have Divorced but Want To Re-Marry and They Fear a Delayed Nikah Will Make Them Fall Into Sin?

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What Should a Couple Do When They Have Divorced but Want To Re-Marry and They Fear a Delayed Nikah Will Make Them Fall Into Sin?

Question: In a scenario where two people who were previously married for five years and are divorced, and now have a strong emotional connection with one another, and live in different countries, and are unable to travel due to COVID conditions and restrictions, but are concerned about falling into sin through texts, calls and video calls, what would you recommend? The girl’s wali has already been asked for the proposal, and he has agreed but has asked to delay the nikah.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Alhamdulillah, I am pleased to hear that a divorced couple is getting back together, and I pray this time will be a fruitful and loving marriage for everyone involved.

Delay of nikah

If the nikah is delayed, then my recommendation is to be patient. When Allah makes it possible for you to be together, you can be together, and it is not worth it to risk falling into sin. You should refrain from phone calls and texts that are not necessary, and rather you should put your efforts into finding out where and when you can travel so you can marry.

Why has your father asked to delay the nikah? Have you prayed istikhara about this? If not, you should. Is he having doubts? Perhaps you and your father can go to a third country if flights are allowed, and you can marry your ex there. Perhaps, you can apply for an emergency flight. Exhaust all options and ask your father not to delay without good reason. Please see the links below:

https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/having-to-wait-for-nikah/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bless your union.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 

 

 

 

Should I Get Engaged to a Man Who Wants To Delay the Proposal To Sort Out His Career First?

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Question: I have been praying istikhara for marriage for some months now. There has been some progress and positive inclination from both our parents. However, we are both young, and he wants more time to sort through his career decisions before our parents meet. Although things are moving forward, there have been delays in a formal commitment. Is this a sign from Allah to give up, or should I keep waiting? I am confused because I don’t know if these delays are good or bad.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  I can see your frustration and confusion, and I pray that you come to an understanding with him on the subject.

The reality

It seems to me that the bottom line is that he has chosen you for marriage and that your istikhara seems positive. However, as you mentioned, you are both young, and sometimes these things cannot be rushed. He may actually need to be accepted into his program or finish some of his studies to please his parents and give them security. I have seen many young couples in your situation, and it’s hard to balance an engagement, a wedding, and graduation and find a job at the same time.

Communicate

Your job is to tell him that you don’t know if you should stay and wait and ask him if he is really serious about you. His delay seems level-headed because he understands what it takes to be a husband and is taking steps to prepare. Ask him about a realistic timeline and prepare yourself in the meanwhile. Both of you should take the marriage courses here at Seekers, and you should both consider an early nikah (marriage contract) to make it permissible for you to spend time together and talk freely. The wedding can be later.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/understanding-the-answer-to-my-istikhara/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/do-women-need-to-be-financially-independent-before-marriage/

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How can I seek a divorce?

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Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
May Allah, Most High, draw you close to him.
Marriage
Marriage is a journey full of ups and downs. When a spouse or couple finds themselves not satisfied in marriage, they should immediately seek help to solve the marital problem.
Seeking help in a difficult relationship is either through confronting one’s spouse, seeking arbitration through family, or going to marital therapy.
No matter how difficult the marital problem is, it does not allow one spouse to have an extramarital affair. Adultery is an egregious transgression against Allah, Most High, and one’s spouse. You should immediately repent to Allah, Most High, from these actions and make a strong intention to never return to it.
Know that Allah, Most High, forgives all sins and descends his mercy upon all those who seek it. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“The one who repents from a sin is like one who did not sin.”
(Ibn Maja’, al-Sunan)
 If one is already divorced, then, of course, they may pursue marriage with another person.
Seeking Divorce
As for seeking a divorce in this situation, you should first try to save your marriage through the aforementioned methods.
If you cannot save your marriage, you should express your desire for a divorce to your husband. Your intention should be that the divorce is amicable for the sake of the children.
If your husband is unwilling to give you a divorce, please read the following answer for more information.
And Allah alone knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Spouse no longers want sexual relations

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Question: If one has become old and does not value sexual relations with one’s spouse anymore, is that a valid excuse?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

People vary in their sexual needs. But at the end of the day, as long as there is a need, and as long as one is physically able to satisfy that need, one should and must. At the same time, the other spouse should help their spouse fulfill their need by giving them the emotional atmosphere they require, including giving space and time when asked for.

If one’s migraines stop one from fulfilling one’s spouse’s needs, then one, of course, is excused.

Busying oneself with worship, however, is not an excuse. Fulfilling a personal obligation is far greater in Allah’s eyes than optional worship, especially if it is an obligation to others slaves of Allah.

If one really feels like one cannot muster the emotional energy to entertain one’s spouse’s physical needs, one should try and solve the problem through discussion and mutual understanding. Counseling is also a good idea. Failing that, one might consider either a divorce or facilitating one’s husband to take a second wife.

Allah does not ask us to do things we cannot do. At the same time, one cannot remain in relation on one’s own terms to the detriment of another. ‘Let there be no harming or harming back. Whoever makes things unbearable for another, Allah will make things unbearable for him.’ (Hakim)

Please also see:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/wifes-right-to-intimacy/
https://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa/8306

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the Arabic language sciences and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years, he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Should I Wait To Marry the Man That I Love Until He Gets a Job?

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Question:

A man and woman like each other, but they live in different countries. The girl just got her bachelor’s degree and wants to marry him. The man cannot move to the girl’s country as he wants to stay close to his parents. The girl’s parents do not like him much, and they will not send her over to his country unless the man is financially independent. Jobs are rare due to Covid. Should the girl wait for him to get a job, or marry someone else because her parents do not want her to keep waiting for him?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your confusion about what to do, and I pray that you can make the best decision for yourself and your religion.

 

Istikhara

The best means that I can recommend for you to make a decision is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara). Pray it, and see if this man is really the best for you. Have you picked him based on his religion, or is it simply lust? Tell your suitor to pray istikhara as well, and follow that, with the trust and knowledge that your Creator knows what is the best for you. You should pray istikhara for at least seven days for this big decision.

 

If the Istikhara Is Positive

If it is positive you will both have to convince your parents and wait for him to get a job. It is an obligation for a husband to financially support you, and it is too great a risk to go to his country while he is jobless. You will not have family there to support or help you, and you may be at the mercy of the in-laws. Your parents are just trying to protect you, so you should let them. If it is positive, then know that Allah will facilitate the matter, things will fall into place, and you can go there with your parent’s approval.

 

Ease After Difficulty

If the istikhara is negative, remember that after every difficulty there is ease, as Allah Most High has told us in His book, and that, no matter what pain and hardship you go through now, it will just make you stronger and better. Always beware of your emotions because the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud] Make this decision based on logic and guidance, and do not let your emotions decide. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bless your union with whomever it may be.

 

Please see these answers:

https://islamqa.org/shafii/qibla-shafii/33048
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/do-women-need-to-be-financially-independent-before-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/interest-killing-barakah-lives/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.