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Marrying Someone Other Than Parent’s Choice

Question: I have been suffering from family problems since 2016. My parents and siblings don’t understand what I want. My mom wants me to marry someone I don’t want. She urges me all the time. I don’t have anyone close to share my problem with. I always feel lonely and depressed. I have seen one guy and when I saw him I felt like I had known him for a thousand years. I started to like him but we haven’t met. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I want to marry him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I pray that you can communicate openly with your mother about your feelings instead of suffering silently.

Forced marriage

Keep in mind that marriage cannot be forced in Islam. A woman must consent to marry her suitor and you should not be made to feel guilty about it. Have you prayed istikhara about this man that your mother speaks of? Was it negative? Have you told her that you had a negative istikhara?

There is no shame in explaining to her how you feel and that she is causing you a lot of distress and worry with her pressure. Try to sit down and understand her reasons for suggesting this man, and after clear deliberation, respond with polite curtness and firmness that you will not agree, once you are certain.

See this link as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-mother-force-marry-someone/

Your alternative suitor

As for the other man that you speak of, I am afraid that you don’t know anything about him, nor does he know you. How do you know that he is right for you? What do you base your choice on? His looks? Please pray Istikhara about this person and if it’s positive, proceed to tell your parents. It won’t be easy, but you must start communicating with them if you don’t want to be potentially miserable for the rest of your life. These are the times in life when you speak up.

See these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Friends

I noticed in your question that you said you are not close to anyone. This saddened me because a young Muslim cannot get by in life without friends. They are supporters, helpers, beloved for their good character, and there to lean on and learn from. Please socialize a bit more and seek out good religious friends that are a good influence and that you can relate to and relax with. They are instrumental in times like this.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace” [Bukhari].

May Allah make the choice easy for you and may you be blessed to marry the perfect man suited to you, and may Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

 

Marrying a Non-Muslim Interested in Islam

Question: I am 23 years old and am interested in marrying a non-Muslim who is currently studying to convert to Islam. My mother is however against it and I am not sure what to do. My father does not have objections but he is non-Muslim. Can I marry without my mother and with my father as my Wali even though he is non-Muslim?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum

Thank you for your question. I am assuming that you are a female, and as such, you do not need the permission of your mother nor your non-Muslim father to marry (even if you are male, you don’t need their permission). In addition, it would be invalid for your father to be a wali because he is not Muslim.

To have or not to have a wali

I don’t recommend that you take this route of doing it alone, so it would be wise of you to seek out a Muslim elder, relative, or imam to be your wali. It is recommended (and in some schools, obligatory) for a Muslim girl to have wali in order to conduct her marriage, but not obligatory in the Hanafi school as you will see in the links below. This provides some ease for converts. Please see a local, reliable, imam for his suggestions about your nikah:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-need-help-finding-a-wali/

Istikhara

Istikhara is the first step to making any big decision like marriage. Have you prayed it yet? Did you follow the etiquette of praying istikhara? Please see these links for full information on it, and be sure to have done your istikhara and let that be the foundation of your decision to marry this would-be convert. If you find that your istikhara comes out negative, you must be prepared to walk away from this and consider that your mother might have been right.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Your mother

Try to communicate openly with your mother that you feel this is the right person for you. Tell her that you have prayed istikhara and that you will not marry him if he does not convert, as that would be sinful and invalid (if you are female). Assure her that this will not dissuade you from your religion or make you a worse Muslim. Be open, kind, polite, understanding, and never get angry. Let them spend some time together so that your mother can see his good character and qualities. Give your mother time to accept and get used to the idea, but do let her know that you plan to marry him and that you need and want her support.

Learn and prepare before you marry

I commend you for being Muslim, seeing that your father is not Muslim and I advise that you and your suitor take a course on marriage before you tie the knot. It is incumbent that you both learn your rights and obligations and about the spirit of an Islamic marriage.
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
Also, see this link for more articles and resources:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/marriage-in-islam-a-reader/

May Allah make it easy for your mother to accept this suitor, may his conversion be blessed, may both of your parents rejoice in your union, and may Allah bless the marriage.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

My Non-Muslim Parents Want Me To Marry a Non-Muslim

Learn a Short Surah

Question: Idolatrous parents don’t approve of their daughter’s marriage because her suitor doesn’t believe in idol worship. Instead, they want her to marry an idol-worshipper. She does not currently believe in idol worship and believes firmly in Almighty God. What should she do in light of the Quran and hadith?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  This must be a difficult time for you since your beliefs are very different from your parents’ beliefs. I pray that you can reconcile with them with ease and good character without undue pain and hardship to either party.

Marrying a non-Muslim man

Please see this answer about why a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man, there is simply no room for it in the shari`ah and there is unanimous consensus about its impermissibility.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/muslim-woman-not-allowed-marry-non-muslim-man/

Non-Muslim father to act as a legal guardian

If your parents are non-Muslim, while you are Muslim, your father may not act as your guardian for your marriage contract. In such a situation, you would ask an imam or other reliable legal upright Muslim man to act on his behalf.

In addition, you would not need his permission to marry the man of your choice. Please see these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-a-convert-and-ready-to-marry/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-to-overcome-the-hardships-of-getting-married-as-an-hidden-convert/

Family and Wisdom

With the understanding of the above rulings, you should proceed with love, tact, and wisdom. Your parents brought you into this world and they should be involved in attending the wedding and being informed every step of the way. Explain to them gently that what they want from you is not possible.

Respect their views and hear their advice, even if you disagree and will not act upon it. Tell them that you appreciate any marital advice that they can offer after the marriage has taken place and that you hope and expect that they will be active participants in your children’s lives.

Du`a

Ask Allah after your daily prayers and during the last third of the night to facilitate this matter and that your parents be patient and accept your differences. It may take time, but I am certain that they will continue to love you and respect your choices in life. Read some Qu’ran every day with the meaning and learn your obligations in your daily Islamic practice and as a Muslim wife.

Consider taking these free courses:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/introduction-to-islam-what-it-means-to-be-muslim/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Telling My Parents About My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I’m in a true relationship with a person for the past 8 years since our student days. We both are honest and true for each other. We want to make our relationship halal and for that, we need more time because he is not settled financially yet. I am getting many marriage proposals and my parents are telling me to get married but I want to marry him only. My parents don’t know that I’m in a relationship and I want to tell them about it but I’m afraid.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. The first thing that I need to tell you is that your relationship is not honest or true, as you describe. You have lied to your parents, done the impermissible in the eyes of Allah, and your relationship is based on lust, not love.

Repentance

The first step to getting what you desire is to turn to Allah and repent for your sins. You have had a secret boyfriend, been in a secret relationship, and have become close to a man and emotionally attached instead of following the rules of gender interaction in Islam. Stay away from him from now on and only proceed with a serious engagement or nikah. Please see this link on sincere repentance:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/what-are-the-conditions-of-making-tawba-transcript-ustadh-abdullah-misra/

Istikhara

After your repentance and resolving to stay away from him, pray istikhara to see if this man is the right one for you. Do not think to make such a big decision just based on feelings, please consider the Prophetic advice first. It seems to me that man who agreed to be in a relationship with you for 8 years without a nikah doesn’t honor you.

Please see this link:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/istikhara-prayer-for-marriage/

A proposal: Engagement or nikah

He must come to your family with his parents and offer a formal proposal. There is no reason to tell your parents of your past with him, as it will only break their hearts. Tell them that you are attracted to this proposal and that you feel that it is right for you. If they give their permission, then you are all set and you can have your nikah. If they don’t, you will have to walk away from him.

If your boyfriend can’t come with his family to propose yet, then you must wait for him to find the right time. If you can find a way to hold off your parents, do so, but if you can’t you might have to tell them the truth which will cause them pain and disappointment. Otherwise, you will have to leave him. You certainly can’t be expected to wait for him very long. At least, he should have the decency to propose to you so that you can get engaged, if not married.

Put Allah first

I pray that your situation works out for you, but I recommend that no matter what happens, you put Allah first in your life and strive to live your life by His rules. Learn the halal and the haram of daily life, worship, and the rights and obligations in a Muslim marriage. May Allah reward you and give you the best of both worlds.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I was born and raised in UAE and lived there for 14 years with my family and then we shifted back to Pakistan. Now that I am 18, my family is planning to shift back to the UAE. I have been in a relationship for 3 years here and when I told him about us shifting, he proposed a nikah so that our relationship would be accepted and halal. I want this, too, but how do I talk to my parents as they won’t let me marry at 18 years old.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I commend you for willing to make your relationship halal and for wanting to step out of the sin that you are currently committing. May Allah reward you for your intention and open a way for what is best for you.

Talking to parents

There really is no way around it. You will have to speak to your parents and tell them that you have found someone that you believe suits you and your family. You don’t need to reveal your illicit relationship to them, as that would break their hearts, and Muslims may not reveal their sins to others.

You may even consider asking a third party to sit down with your parents and recommend this boy to them so that it’s not only coming from you. Another option is for the boy to come directly to your parents with his father, and they officially propose. Or, his mother could call your mother and tell her that she would like to propose marriage. Involving the parents would be the most honorable way. Of course, his parents would have to be convinced, first.

Then if your parents were to accept, both parties could agree on a timeline for a nikah and wedding reception. An immediate nikah would be optimal so that the relationship becomes halal, but you would have to wait for your parents’ permission. A delayed nikah is better than nothing and you should consider yourself blessed if they agree, even if they make you wait.

If they refuse

If your parents refuse this official proposal, first discuss the reasons with them. If they want you to complete university, promise them that you will. Perhaps you can meet halfway. Complete half of your degree, and then marry, and then complete the other half. If they feel they don’t know the boy, perhaps you can have them sit down and get to know each other. If they have some other concerns, try to address it and use politeness and good character to convince them.

If they refuse, even after many discussions, then you are left with no choice. You will have to move on and allow your heart to heal and find someone else at the right time and in the right way. If this happens, don’t ever tell your future spouse about him.

For now

For now, you should repent and cease all physical contact with him. You both have to make a major decision and there is no sense in dragging this on if it will not lead to fruition. Get serious, stop seeing him, make a good intention, and start working on convincing your parents. If it doesn’t work, make the painful break and start the healing process. Don’t ever allow yourself to be used and disrespected in this manner again. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best decision.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad of Ahmad].

Please see the link below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-in-an-impermissible-but-healthy-relationship-what-should-i-do/

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Choosing Phone Over Family

Reconnecting With Family

Question: My husband neglects me & the kids. He chats on social media all day long, even in the toilet, at the dinner table, and ignores us. He lies and says it’s work but it’s not. Often, all I get from him is a greeting. I constantly tell him to stop. I applied for a fasakh but he lied to the counselor. I feel lonely. When I discuss it with him, he ignores me. He doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t want to make time for me either. I don’t have any other adults to talk to but him.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

I am so sorry that you are going through this hardship and I empathize with your pain. Some people don’t handle the use of the internet well and it destroys their time and relationships. I pray that your husband comes to understand your needs and learns how to balance his obligations with his personal entertainment.

Faskh or khul`

My understanding is that a Faskh can only be accomplished by an Islamic Court of Law after proving that your husband hasn’t supported you financially. Rather, in your case, a woman can apply for khul`, which is a release for payment. One would pay the husband a mutually agreed upon sum for him to release her from the marriage with his consent.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-women-stipulate-marriage-contract-right-initiate-divorce/

Communicating the problem

I recommend that you try fixing this marriage before walking away. There are many things that you can do, but I am afraid that telling him to stop isn’t one of them. You will have to take steps of having an honest, non-confrontational discussion about it, making technology-free zones in the house, turning up the intimacy, and making sure that you spend less time on the phone yourself.

I know a woman who had the same problem with her husband at the dinner table, so one evening, she overdid the salt in his dinner. He was shocked and asked her what happened to the food, and she said that she did it so he would speak to her at the table. After that day, he always spoke to her at dinnertime. Here are some ideas for you:

-Try inviting others for dinner, anybody, just so that he turns away from his phone and is forced to socialize.
-Try bringing up an interesting topic to him, such as sports, politics, or something else he likes.
-Try asking him to take you all out for dinner because you are tired and don’t want to cook.
-Try having him read stories to your children or take them to the park, appealing to him that they need to spend more time with him.
-Try getting him to help with their homework, or to buy certain things for them that they need for school.
-Try communicating with him through text message yourself, for this can often get a man’s attention.
-Last but not least, explain to him that the children need his love and attention and a male role model, or they will just grow up and ignore their families too. This is contrary to any decent way of living, let alone the Prophetic way.

Resources

Please read these books and article and see which one strikes a chord with you, that you can act upon:
https://www.amazon.ca/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0743204441/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8063/phone-addiction-ruining-relationship/

Please see these articles for excellent advice about internet addictions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-reconnect-to-my-husband-who-is-addicted-to-his-phone/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/log-off-live-life_b_1220542?fbclid=IwAR1p1-ItMHGFNwo6_7eZxAIGT9mXqL9Kxm4gdVXmKSveYlUhKIX4RvEo7xU

Please see this article for advice on addiction in general:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/advice-to-a-young-man-with-ocd-and-struggling-with-pornography-and-other-major-sins/

May Allah make it easy for you to move forward in a positive and loving marriage and help your husband realize that he is wronging himself and others. May Allah make it easy for all of you to change and grow together.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying a Decent Christian Woman

Worth of Marriage Advice

Question: I have met at work a Christian woman who has very good character. I avoid dating and I don’t want to marry a Christian. However, after loving her character, I have fallen attracted to her. She may not even be interested to marry me or convert to Islam. I have low self-confidence that I need to fix before marriage. I would like some advice to reduce my attraction because I work a lot with her. Is marriage a solution?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration. You are working closely with an attractive and intelligent woman and you are right to ask what your options are.

Not optimal

The first thing you should know is that marrying a Christian woman is not an optimal idea for you. Because you are speaking solely on the basis of attraction, you don’t even know if she likes Islam and you can imagine how detrimental that could be for your children. Don’t ever take that risk. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad Ahmad]. Walk away before you get extremely attached.

Marry for religion

Rather, marry a girl for her religion which was the strongest advice that the Prophet gave us about marriage, may Allah bless him and give him peace, when he said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim].

A decent man like you, who doesn’t want to date, already fears Allah and you deserve a like-minded girl, who is modest, knows how to pray, and reads the Qur’an. You deserve a girl who will strive with you to make a decent, peaceful family home where Islamic principles are valued and respected. A Muslim wife will honor you according to Islam and raise her children to pray, believe in Allah and His Messenger, and learn His book. Please don’t be swayed and pulled in by this woman’s appeal.

Gender Interaction

Please review the rules of gender interaction below, strive to lower your gaze, and keep your communication formal and cordial if you are able. Fear Allah as much as you can. If you are able, you should immediately ask your family to help you look for a wife:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/mixed-gatherings-a-detailed-response-regarding-gender-interaction/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-gender-interaction/

May Allah bless you in this world and the next and may you marry a perfectly suited Muslim girl for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

The Proprieties of TravelQuestion: Can a wife visit her parents without the permission of her husband? And can a husband stop her from visiting them for no valid reason?

Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question.
The best thing that I can tell you is to read these articles to understand the man’s responsibility towards his family but also must be very careful not to abuse this authority, for he will be taken to account for it:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-cut-everything-life-can/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-a-husband-prevent-his-wife-from-visiting-her-godparents-and-their-children/Her rights

A man may not prevent his wife from visiting her parents as it is obligatory for her to maintain ties of kinship with them. Seeing her parents is also a major part of her being good to them, which is an enormity if ignored. Rather, a man should focus on preventing his family from sins, such as missing obligatory prayers and fasts, backbiting, stealing, cheating, and lying.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-should-i-uphold-my-family-ties/

Leaving the House

I have copied this section from an article by Shaykh Abdurragman Khan from our site:

“Another related point is the narration you mentioned which suggests that if a woman was to leave her home without the permission of her husband, the angels all curse her. As far as the standards of hadith criticism go, this narration is so weak it cannot be relied upon for rulings (al-Targhib wa al-Tarhib, ed, al-Karmi). According to some scholars it is fabricated narration.

Does a woman need the permission of her husband to go out of the house? It depends on the reason. The scholars of Islam have laid down scenarios where the wife would need permission – which some scholars considered to be the husband’s knowledge of it without his objection (Fatḥ al-Bari, Ibn Rajab) – based on some narrations from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). There are various reasons for this, but most return to her safety. The husband is responsible for the safety of his wife, and for her to leave the home with no way of him knowing where she is, or if she is safe, then he has fallen short of his responsibility.

The situations which do allow her to leave the home are well documented in the books of Law, such as if she needed to learn her religion and he was unable to teach her, or if she had a genuine need. Being in constant contact with people all day is a very recent phenomenon, therefore, laws reflect the majority of cases. Also, this is not a right that is used as a whip to subdue someone; rather the spirit of Islam calls for everything to be ‘wrapped in goodness’.
To the modern mind, this may seem strange, but relative safety is not something that has always been around. These matters change from time and place. Twenty years ago, for a parent to leave an eight-year-old in the car while she goes into a supermarket to buy some milk may have been acceptable, but now, in many places, it is not. Therefore, those charged with responsibility for others are also granted the use of certain measures, within reason, to ensure that their function is properly performed. There are other factors too, such as matters which could lead to the detriment of the marriage, so the husband is responsible for ensuring things remain smooth.
But if we go and ask most Muslim women, the chances are that there is no exhaustive list stuck on the fridge, stipulating when she can and cannot leave the house. These are matters which are best dealt with the principle of dealings being ‘wrapped in goodness’ depending on the situation. Having said this, many righteous women do request permission from their husbands as an act of obedience to Allah, so they do not contradict the literal wording of some of the statements of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace)”
Something deeper

It seems to me that if a man is preventing his wife from seeing her parents, there must be a deeper underlying problem that is angering him and they would do well to communicate and compromise. He should never be made to feel neglected or disrespected, while she should never be made to feel oppressed, controlled, or belittled. I pray that you can both resolve this and live together in tranquility, love, respect, and ease.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Approaching a Prospective Spouse

Worth of Marriage Advice

Question: If one sees someone that one would like to marry, how should one go about to find out if one could propose to them?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

If one sees someone that one imagines one would like to marry, one should first ascertain whether or not they are married. It would in principle be permissible to ask them directly, but one would have to take into consideration cultural norms.

One good way to do that is to have a relative or colleague of the other gender ask them, or ask about them.

Once that is the case, one may ask them directly if they would be interested in meeting to discuss marriage. Again, if this is not done in the cultural setting one is in, this could well be very shocking, and, in many traditional countries, even dangerous to oneself and the prospective spouse.

One should be direct so as to avoid the vagueness that could lead to or be misconstrued as flirting.

Given the age and cultural setting, it would often be necessary to ask the family before you meet. But as long as you meet in an open area and keep the conversation within the bounds of modesty, it would be halal.

Once you notice that you like the look of the other person, you can only look again if there is a good chance that you could marry them (Mughni al Muhtaj, Shirbini).  This would entail taking the steps above.

Please see the links below for additional information:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage-and-divorce-maliki-fiqh/proposal-for-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/guidelines-for-interacting-with-the-opposite-sex/

I pray this helps.

[Shaykh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

I am in Love and Want To Make Her My Second Wife

Question: I am in love with a girl of another Muslim ethnicity that I worked with. Five years ago, I proposed to her to become my second wife, and she rejected me, complaining to management whenever I spoke to her. Praise be to God that I didn’t lose my job. I have not spoken to her in the last five years, but now she is inclining toward me. Is this a blessing from Allah, the Almighty?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. No, I would not look at this as a blessing from Allah, but rather as a test.

Taking a second wife

It’s not right for you to take a second wife, because of the hardship and pain that it will cause your first wife. You will not be able to fulfill her rights and you won’t be able to see your children as much as you should. Please see these links for more details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-the-man-i-love-take-me-as-a-second-wife-despite-his-mothers-disapproval/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-a-husband-marry-a-second-wife-without-his-first-wifes-permission/

Ignore lust

Loving a girl is not enough to make a marriage endure and is by no means the right reason to get married again. I encourage you to restrain your gaze and to follow the rules of gender interaction when you are at work, lest the Devil occupy you with thoughts of a second wife. I also encourage you to rekindle your relationship with your wife and try new things with her. One must be willing to adjust and change in order to improve one’s marriage and drive away any thought of other women.

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.