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Is it haram to keep secrets from your parents?

Question: Is it haram to keep secrets from your parents?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Secrets vary in nature, so there is no black and white answer for this.

If one has been entrusted with a secret, it is considered an ‘amana, a trust, and one may not betray it. Betraying trust is a characteristic of hypocrites, and one must do one’s duty to fulfill one’s trust and teach one’s children to do this as well. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks he tells a lie; whenever he is entrusted he proves dishonest; whenever he promises he breaks his promise.“ [Bukhari]

That being said, there are some secrets that absolutely should not be kept from parents. If one knows about a certain abuse or problem taking place, one must rush to one’s parents or authorities to help the victim, while keeping it a secret could even be impermissible (haram). I pray that Allah blesses us all with such wise judgment and protects all Muslims from harm. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?

Question: 

How should I handle abusive parents?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long-run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.

 

Resources

First, the best thing I can advise for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers,
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/

 

Excellence Towards Parents

It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence to your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellence. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.

 

Communicate

As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually and communicate. Explain to them that you need to study or work, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are hurting your feelings and that you need some positivity from them. If you feel that you cannot tell them, write a letter to them and have them read it. Remember that the degradation of a child never was and never will be the Prophetic way, and many Eastern parents need to learn this.

 

Temporary

It sounds like you are coming to the age of independence and want to make your own decisions, while your parents want to hold on to you as though you are a child. Rest assured that you will move out one day and marry, perhaps sooner than you think, and things will get easier, in sha Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children. Just be sure not to repeat the cycle of emotional abuse when you have your own children.

 

Steps

-Turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness and guidance to a solution. He will surely come to your aid.
-Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and pinpoint what is bothering you and what you need.
-Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you.
-Exercise, take your supplements and get very fresh air every day. Do not ever let your physical health suffer.

 

Patience

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.

Filial Piety: Being Dutiful Towards One’s Parents: A SeekersGuidance Reader

Filial Piety: A Collection of Trusted Resources on Being Dutiful to Your Parents

SeekersGuidance Readers provide the seeker with a purposely curated list of articles, answers, podcasts, and courses from SeekersGuidance on a particular topic. These guides serve as a gateway to knowledge and guidance. 

My Father Was Smarter Than I Though – By Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

It is a central Islamic virtue to be thankful to one’s parents, for everything they have done and continue to do for us. Allah Most High says,

“And We have charged man concerning his parents — his mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning was in two years — Be thankful to Me, and to thy parents; to Me is the homecoming.” (Qur’an, 31:14)

Thankfulness arises from recognizing another’s favor upon one. Allah emphasizes in the above verse that, like Allah’s favor, the favor of one’s parents simply cannot be repaid. After all, they were the reason for our existence and took care of us when we were helpless.

This recognition of parental favor entails both being thankful for what our parents did for us and also learning from their positive points. It isn’t easy being a parent in these rushed times — where so many matters vie for our precious hours and minutes.

But few matters are more important than our precious children and their proper upbringing. There are invariably positive lessons we can learn from in how our parents raised us.

Read the full article here: My Father Was Smarter Than I Thought – Faraz Rabbani

Articles

Parents Matter More Than Peers – Shaykh Hamza Karamali

Parents – Your Door to Allah’s Acceptance, by Ustadh Uthman Bally

Serve Your Parents Now Before It’s Too Late, by Ustadh Salman Younas

Prepare Yourself for Your Parents Old Age – Advice from Imam Tahir Anwar

Daily Qur’an Reflections: (15) Call to the Highest Virtues, Excellence with Parents, Human Honour, and Keeping the Best of Company

Supplication of Excellence to Parents – Du`a’ Birr al-Walidayn

The passing of Habib ‘Umar’s mother

Reconnecting With Family–Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil 

Can I Pay for the Hajj of My Parents? 

“To Mothers” – Moving Poem by Baraka Blue

The Passing of the Father and Grandfather of Ustadh Salman Younas

 

Questions and Answers

On Marriage

A sampling of some of the answers to questions about issues with parents in regards to spouses.  For more information about this subject please see our  Guide to Marriage: SeekersGuidance Reader.

The Virtues of Parents

Supplication of Excellence to Parents – Du`a’ Birr al-Walidayn 

The Noble Intention of Parents

Parents – Your Door to Allah’s Acceptance, by Ustadh Uthman Bally

Highest Virtues, Excellence with Parents

10 – Umm Ayman – The Prophet’s Mother After His Mother

Prayer of a Concerned Father, Surat al-Baqarah (verses 127-128)

How Can I Guide My Parents to the Right Path?

The Close Proximity of Single Mothers to the Prophet 

Authenticity of Hadith Stating That Paradise Lies Beneath the Feet of Your Mother

Navigating Common Problems

Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents 

How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way

I Have Bad Dreams About My Late Father. What Can I Do?

How Should I Deal With a Mentally Ill Mother?

My Mother Is Not Muslim. How Can I Help Her?

My Mother Makes Supplications Against Me. Will Her Duas Be Accepted?

Can I Give My Zakat to My Father?

To What Extent Should I Obey My Mother? 

Should I Listen to My Husband or My Mother?

How Can I Advise My Mother to Come Back to Islam? 

How Can I Deal With My Elderly Mother Who Refuses Assistance

My Mother Does Not Want Me to Read up on Death and Judgement

How Can My Husband and I Should Split Time Between His Parents and Mine?

Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

My Father Is Emotionally Blackmailing Me to Get Married. What Do I Do?

What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?

How Can I Convince My Parents That I Am Not Ready For Marriage?

Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?

 

Difficult Relationships With Parents

Am I Wrong to Not Want to Speak with My Parents?

How Do I Deal With My Toxic Parents Who Give Me Constant Stress?

My Parents Emotionally and Physically Abuse Me. Can You Help Me?

To What Extent of a Boundary Can I Have with Dysfunctional Parents?

My Parents Are Angry with Me and Hit Me What Do I Do?

My Parents Are Always Fighting. What Do I Do?

Do I Have to Obey My Parents If They Stop Me From Listening to Religious Talks?

 

General Questions On Excellence Towards Parents

Am I Sinful For Always Making Mistakes That Displease My Parents?

Can I Treat My Adopted Parents As My Real Parents?

Which Child Takes Care Of the Parents?

How Can I Take Care Of My Parents?

How Do I Obey My Parents If They Follow a Different Madhab?

Should I Wear the Hijab? – My Parents Don’t Agree

Rights of Parents

Promise to one’s parents

I Am a Convert and Live With My Adopted Parents. What Are My Obligations to Them?

Do I Have to Live with My Parents?

When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?

 

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How Do I Deal With Parents Forcing Me To Marry a Man That I Do Not Like?

Question: 

How do I deal with parents forcing me to marry a man that I do not like and cursing the convert that I love?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Nobody can force you to marry anyone, and I pray that you can come to an understanding with your parents. The best advice that I can give you is here, please read the link in full:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-father-is-emotionally-blackmailing-me-to-get-married-what-do-i-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-to-do-when-my-parents-reject-my-choice-of-spouse-because-of-cultural-reasons/

 

Communicate

The best and only way forward is to communicate your feelings to your parents. They feel that they are better equipped to choose a spouse for you, but they should not be ignoring your feelings. Please have an elder, relative, or local imam speak to them on your behalf, perhaps they will listen. The reality is that you might not end up marrying either man if you and your parents do not come to compromise. Be prepared for anything. Rest assured, that what was always meant to happen will happen, and you have to navigate it in the best way that you can. May Allah make it easy.

 

Istikhara

Ask your parents to pray istikhara, at least, so they can have some direction from Allah, and not just from themselves. Pray istikhara yourself as well, and tell your parents how it turns out. Ask Allah to open everyone’s heart to what is right for you and to facilitate the whole process. You should also pray the Prayer of Need and supplicate before dawn, asking Allah to help you through this.  Keep a distance from the man you want to marry so you do not fall into any sin.

 

Turn to Allah

In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, give in regular charity, even if only a little, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He can’t solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness.

I am quite concerned about your thoughts of suicide, and I pray that you can seek out a helpline, therapist, or even speak to your doctor about the matter. You should not be spending time alone right now and please stay in the company of loving friends and family. Get fresh air and exercise daily and take your vitamin D regularly. Please read the advice here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/my-son-is-suicidal-what-can-i-do/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/how-can-i-deal-with-fears-and-suicidal-thoughts/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Am I Sinful For Always Making Mistakes That Displease My Parents?

Question:  I have been making my parents displeased with me since I was little. I used to be very rude. Was that a sin? I always seem to get on their nerves. I have tried to do things right, but I figured I will always get things wrong. I stopped making a concerted effort to make them happy. Is that a sin? I have tried again, but I keep on getting things wrong. When I get some things right,  I get other things wrong. I have a reputation for this now, can I change?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time, but I urge you not to give up on yourself. The devil has a way of dissuading a person from good, don’t let him.

 

Mistakes

People are not born perfect, and we make mistakes all the time. I, personally, make mistakes every day of my life. Everything that I do, I most certainly could do better. I do not want you to think about your mistakes, but I want you to be grateful to Allah for everything that you have, and I do not want you to feel guilty. Listen to this for more details:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9tzjqtSYvA

 

Intentions

Your intention is what matters. If your intention is to please Allah and your parents in everything that you do and if you take a little longer to learn to do things than others do, your reward will be commensurate with your efforts.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, Allah does not look at your forms or your wealth, rather He looks at your deeds and your hearts.” [Ibn Majah] Please take this hadith to heart and know that Allah is only interested in your sincerity and not how nimble you are.

 

Sin

It is not sinful to “stop trying“ or “to put less effort“ in what you do, but it is sinful to despair in Allah’s mercy. Believe in yourself, do not tire of good works, and leave the rest up to Allah. Please see this excellent answer for more details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/everything-going-wrong-life/

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Can I Convince My Parents to Accept My Desired Spouse?

Question: I told my parents who I want to marry, but they immediately rejected him because he belongs to a lower caste. My grandparents spoke to him and his parents and then tried to convince my parents. My mother said that the guy’s family is from the same city as us, so what will we tell people about marrying her to a lower caste? He is from the same city, but he has been living in Canada with his family for a very long time. He is becoming a surgeon there. His family is decent and gives me much respect and love.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. The absolute best answer that I can give about marrying someone for their caste is here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/do-i-have-to-marry-someone-within-my-caste-to-please-my-family/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-the-decision-for-marriage-be-taken-only-considering-somebodys-caste/

 

Istikhara

The single most useful and trustworthy method for making big decisions is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (Istikhara). I pray that you do not take this gift for granted and ask Allah if this man is right for you and worth pursuing.

Forget about your parents for just a minute and ask yourself whether you followed the Prophet’s advice. The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and grant him peace,  said, “A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religious inclination, choose the one who is religious (or) you will be ruined.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

On what basis have you chosen him?  It is looks or love? Is it religion? If you feel that you have followed the Prophet advice, please pray your Istikhara with the etiquette mentioned in these links and go from there:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

 

Compromise

Once you have prayed it, and if you have found it positive to keep trying, you must be able to face your parents ask them to compromise. I know it is difficult but try to read them and see if they will ever budge. You could wait it out, or you could get a third party to speak to them. Either way, you need their permission.

 

Ask Allah

Turn to Allah during this difficult time and ask Him to help you through this. Be the best Muslim that you can be by praying all your prayers on time and reading a bit of Qur’an with the meaning every day. I know that caste is a big problem in the sub-continent, and I pray that people can understand Allah’s words, “Surely the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. [Qur’an 49:13]

 

Learn and Prepare

If your parents do agree, or even if you find someone else, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your marriage is to take a free course at Seekers about marriage. Learn your rights and responsibilities and intend to uphold an Islamic marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Can I Do About Parental Abuse?

Question: I am having difficulty concentrating on my studies because of parental abuse. It has completely damaged me, and it makes me feel to seek revenge against my parents who ruined my life. It is mentally and emotionally affecting me and my studies to a point that I want to either commit a homicide or suicide. I am extremely scared to know Islamic solutions to my problem because Islam is biased towards parents and neglects children.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Please do not think that Islam is biased towards parents, rather it is merely culture that has made you think that children can be neglected, in reality, there is a perfect balance.

 

Abuse

I am sorry that you have gone through abuse and suffering from your parents. Rest assured that they will be asked about this and must repent. It is not permissible to insult, humiliate, neglect, or abuse children of any age, in any form whatsoever, and any parent should be ashamed of doing so unless he is ignorant, careless, or a fool.

 

Revenge

I am concerned that you are considering committing a crime from what you have gone through. Revenge, generally speaking, is reserved for Allah, Most High. His name “Al-Muntaqim“ means The Avenger,  The Disapprover,  The Inflictor of Retribution, and He seeks revenge for us so that we do not have to. I ask you to leave it in the hands of Allah, because if you take this matter into your own hands, you will never be satisfied, let alone the fact that it will be criminal and you will be wrought with remorse.

 

Healing

Instead of revenge, take the road to healing. Please consider some kind of therapy that you are comfortable with. Start with talking to a friend, an elder, an imam, and work up to a psychiatrist, or another professional that might help you. It might even make you feel better to communicate with your parents about it. Give them a chance to apologize or at least recognize that they hurt you.

Writing down your feelings can help reduce the intensity of your feelings, and help lessen your deep-seated desire for revenge. If you do not like to write your feelings down on paper, try talking to someone about your emotions.

Take steps to get yourself into a better situation. Can you live apart from them? Can you spend more time with religious and positive people? Can you find a tutor to help you get past your problems with your studies? Can you find a way to argue with them less and spend more time focusing on self-care, such as exercising, or taking up a beneficial hobby or skill in your free time?

 

Goodness To Parents

Ibn Mas’ud, Allah be pleased with him, narrated, “A man asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, ‘What deeds are the best?‘ The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said,‘ (1) To perform the (daily compulsory) prayers at their (early) stated fixed times, (2) to be good and dutiful to one’s own parents, (3) and to participate in Jihad in Allah’s Cause.’“ [Bukhari]

It is your personal obligation to be respectful and kind to your parents, and I urge you to find the ability to do so. This does not condone what they did to you, but it shows Allah that you fear Him and that your parents cannot come in between you and Allah, no matter what.

 

Turn To Allah

One of the best things that you can do in your life, especially when you have big problems, is to turn to Allah with your mind, body, and soul. Ask Him to help you, pray to Him regularly and on time, and channel your emotions into supplicating to Him. Verily, Allah does not neglect a victim.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.” [Tirmidhi]

May Allah help you through this difficult time and may you use it to empower yourself and make you stronger.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?

Question:  I am really in love with a kind-hearted, pious gentleman whom my parents are not accepting. His parents are divorced and remarried to other partners, and he is not wealthy. What should I do?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this pain and frustration with your parents. It is never easy to convince your parents when they feel they know what is best for you. I pray that you come to a compromise.

 

Two options

Your options are very simple but difficult. You might wind up hurting someone either way. Your first option is to persist with your parents, even if it takes time. You will have to be patient, kind, maintain good etiquette and character, and pray every step of the way. Ask Allah to facilitate the matter for you and let them get to know the man. You may face rejection, but at least you tried instead of wondering if you tried hard enough.

Your second option is to trust your parents, walk away, and not look back. Moving on will be difficult, but possible, and every day is easier than the last. Know that marriage is an institution that you enter into for the sake of Allah, and it should be easy and blessed from beginning to end. If you are already facing the obstacle of consent, without which you cannot marry, then perhaps you should reconsider the whole thing.

 

The reality of financial constraints

I want to mention that numerous couples that I know have split due to financial problems, so it seems to me that your parents are protecting you from a very big problem in the future that they foresee, but you do not. Living in a situation where there never seems to be enough money for school fees, groceries, and good quality items or services takes a huge toll on health, spirituality, and marriage. Your parents genuinely understand this, so try to see it from their perspective.

Can your suitor go back to school, or can he change his career, or get more training? Can he get higher education in order to better support you? Please consider these options.

 

Istikhara

Before deciding whether to pursue or not, pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara) about what to do. Also, pray the Prayer of Need:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-does-one-perform-the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-haja/

 

Prepare yourself

It is very easy to get married but not easy to be a good wife. My advice to all single Muslims, such as yourself, is to take a free course at Seekers on Islamic Marriage so that you can learn your rights and responsibilities and act accordingly. Preparing oneself for marriage is the greatest thing that you can give your spouse, and I hope that Allah sends you what is best for you and that you place your trust in Him.

May Allah give you tawfiq, ease, and happiness in your marriage process, with whomever it may be. Please see this course:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

My Non-Muslim Parents Want Me To Marry a Non-Muslim

Learn a Short Surah

Question: Idolatrous parents don’t approve of their daughter’s marriage because her suitor doesn’t believe in idol worship. Instead, they want her to marry an idol-worshipper. She does not currently believe in idol worship and believes firmly in Almighty God. What should she do in light of the Quran and hadith?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  This must be a difficult time for you since your beliefs are very different from your parents’ beliefs. I pray that you can reconcile with them with ease and good character without undue pain and hardship to either party.

Marrying a non-Muslim man

Please see this answer about why a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man, there is simply no room for it in the shari`ah and there is unanimous consensus about its impermissibility.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/muslim-woman-not-allowed-marry-non-muslim-man/

Non-Muslim father to act as a legal guardian

If your parents are non-Muslim, while you are Muslim, your father may not act as your guardian for your marriage contract. In such a situation, you would ask an imam or other reliable legal upright Muslim man to act on his behalf.

In addition, you would not need his permission to marry the man of your choice. Please see these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-a-convert-and-ready-to-marry/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-to-overcome-the-hardships-of-getting-married-as-an-hidden-convert/

Family and Wisdom

With the understanding of the above rulings, you should proceed with love, tact, and wisdom. Your parents brought you into this world and they should be involved in attending the wedding and being informed every step of the way. Explain to them gently that what they want from you is not possible.

Respect their views and hear their advice, even if you disagree and will not act upon it. Tell them that you appreciate any marital advice that they can offer after the marriage has taken place and that you hope and expect that they will be active participants in your children’s lives.

Du`a

Ask Allah after your daily prayers and during the last third of the night to facilitate this matter and that your parents be patient and accept your differences. It may take time, but I am certain that they will continue to love you and respect your choices in life. Read some Qu’ran every day with the meaning and learn your obligations in your daily Islamic practice and as a Muslim wife.

Consider taking these free courses:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/introduction-to-islam-what-it-means-to-be-muslim/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Marrying My Boyfriend

Prophetic Parenting

Question: I was born and raised in UAE and lived there for 14 years with my family and then we shifted back to Pakistan. Now that I am 18, my family is planning to shift back to the UAE. I have been in a relationship for 3 years here and when I told him about us shifting, he proposed a nikah so that our relationship would be accepted and halal. I want this, too, but how do I talk to my parents as they won’t let me marry at 18 years old.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I commend you for willing to make your relationship halal and for wanting to step out of the sin that you are currently committing. May Allah reward you for your intention and open a way for what is best for you.

Talking to parents

There really is no way around it. You will have to speak to your parents and tell them that you have found someone that you believe suits you and your family. You don’t need to reveal your illicit relationship to them, as that would break their hearts, and Muslims may not reveal their sins to others.

You may even consider asking a third party to sit down with your parents and recommend this boy to them so that it’s not only coming from you. Another option is for the boy to come directly to your parents with his father, and they officially propose. Or, his mother could call your mother and tell her that she would like to propose marriage. Involving the parents would be the most honorable way. Of course, his parents would have to be convinced, first.

Then if your parents were to accept, both parties could agree on a timeline for a nikah and wedding reception. An immediate nikah would be optimal so that the relationship becomes halal, but you would have to wait for your parents’ permission. A delayed nikah is better than nothing and you should consider yourself blessed if they agree, even if they make you wait.

If they refuse

If your parents refuse this official proposal, first discuss the reasons with them. If they want you to complete university, promise them that you will. Perhaps you can meet halfway. Complete half of your degree, and then marry, and then complete the other half. If they feel they don’t know the boy, perhaps you can have them sit down and get to know each other. If they have some other concerns, try to address it and use politeness and good character to convince them.

If they refuse, even after many discussions, then you are left with no choice. You will have to move on and allow your heart to heal and find someone else at the right time and in the right way. If this happens, don’t ever tell your future spouse about him.

For now

For now, you should repent and cease all physical contact with him. You both have to make a major decision and there is no sense in dragging this on if it will not lead to fruition. Get serious, stop seeing him, make a good intention, and start working on convincing your parents. If it doesn’t work, make the painful break and start the healing process. Don’t ever allow yourself to be used and disrespected in this manner again. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best decision.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better” [Musnad of Ahmad].

Please see the link below:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-in-an-impermissible-but-healthy-relationship-what-should-i-do/

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.