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Cheating Husband

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: Should I seek a divorce if my husband has been cheating on me?

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

Dear questioner, may Allah relieve you of your emotional pain, and reward for the disloyalty that has been shown to you.

If he is clearly trying to change, and your can emotionally bear living with him, you should try your best to stay married to him for the sake of you both, and for the sake of the children.

When to forgive and forget

The default modus operandi for a Muslim is to forgive and forget, even when cheated on by one’s spouse. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Whosoever covers up the faults of others, Allah will cover up his faults on the Day of Rising.’ [Bukhari and Muslim] This even applies to a spouse being unfaithful, because it does not involve anyone else’s rights.

That said, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said, ‘The believer is not stung from the same hole twice.’ [Bukhari and Muslim] Therefore, if your husband is not showing any real signs of change and you suspect he is continuing in his bad ways, you should seek a divorce.

This would also obtain if you just feel that you can’t live with him anymore given the gross level of his betrayal.

The right to divorce

According to many scholars, a woman has the right to ask for a divorce if she is being emotionally abused by her husband. They distinguish between a one-off major form of abuse and a one-off lesser form of abuse. [al Sharh al Kabir, Dardir and others]

In order to unilaterally enact a divorce, you would have to agree with your husband to go to a Muslim arbitrator. The arbitrator–ideally a mufti–would decide whether or not there are grounds to enact a divorce without your husband’s concept on the mere basis of what he has done.

Otherwise, you could just simply convince him to divorce you by telling him that you cannot live with him anymore.

Feeling down

Allah created us only knowing Him. Then we entered this world and turned our hopes and attention to other than Him. If He loves a slave of His, He turns him back to Him by sending him blessings or by calamities, or by sending both. What you are going through right now is that very thing: Allah is turning you to Him through a very difficult trial.

The only way to pass the trial and escape the pain of what others do to one is to turn completely to Allah and make Him your one goal. This isn’t easy, but it will change your life forever. Allah Most High says:

So flee to Allah. Indeed, I am to you from Him a clear warner. [51:50]

Please also read: Prayer For Mental Well-Being

Upshot

Ask yourself if you have the strength and willingness to live the rest of your life with him, and try to see if he has genuinely changed and has turned his back on his bad past. If it is just impossible, then just seek a divorce.

Allah Most High says:

And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of a settlement between them. And settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah, then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted. [4: 128]

But if they separate, Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise. [4: 130]

Please also have a read of this: Unfaithful Husband Working Overseas

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

Divorce via Text Messages

Ustadh Tabraze Azam is asked if divorcing three times in anger over the phone is binding.

A friend of mine approached me saying that he had a misunderstanding with his wife, who is not staying with him, upon visiting her at her place.

He left her place and on the way, because he couldn’t reach her on her phone, he sent a text message saying that he divorced her three times. An act he later regretted.

He would like to know if the divorce is binding or not?

The question is quite unclear. Statements of divorce are utterances of serious consequence, and judgements cannot be made on transmissions of what was said. If the person in question would like a specific answer, he needs to explain the situation with clarity and then state exactly what he said.

Otherwise, the basis is that the overwhelming majority of scholars deem the clear utterance of three divorces to count as three, and accordingly the marriage would be over. It is imperative that everybody who marries learns the rulings of marriage and divorce so they can avoid harmful outcomes.

Please also see The Ruling on Divorcing While Angry and Pronouncing Three Divorces.

And Allah Most High knows best.

Wassalam,

Tabraze Azam

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/have-i-divorced-my-wife/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/has-my-husband-divorced-me/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/pronouncing-talaq-anger-valid/

Have I Divorced My Wife?

Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan untangles doubts about a divorce pronounced in anger.

I have issued my wife with Talaq three times during a single incident.

This was following an argument where I became so angry that I wanted to strangle her but instead I picked up the kettle and swung it, dropping all the water and hitting a de-icer bottle on the work top. In the anger, I said, “Talaq, talaq, talaq.” The whole incident lasted a matter of 10-20 seconds.

This is not the first time I have lost control of my temper and almost instantly flown of the handle. On numerous previous occasions I have abused my wife, charged at her, made threats, got in her face, and been physically violent.

My family knows I have a problem with my temper and I have in the past had sessions of hypnotherapy for it with intentions of attending anger management.

I lost control of my senses and did not consider the consequences. I deeply regretted my actions that same day in what I can only describe as a moment of complete madness driven by loss of my emotions and reason.

I have three children and I would like to know if I am able to take my wife back?

Thank you for writing to us.

  1. Most divorces are issued in anger and are valid. The scholars would generally only consider a divorce issued in anger as invalid when his anger has reached such a state that he is not aware of what he is saying or doing. Thus he is similar to a madman (majnun) or legally intoxicated (gayr muta’addi bisukrihi). Based on your question, it would not seem that your anger reached such a state and you would thus be liable for your words.
  2. A valid divorce requires one to address his wife saying, “You are divorced” or “I divorce you,” emphasis on “you.” In your question, you mentioned that all you stated was, “Talaq, talaq, talaq” or “Divorce, divorce, divorce.” If it is such as you described, then the divorce was not valid and you are still married.
  3. Islam stresses respect and honor of women. Being abusive to one’s spouse under the pretext of having anger problems is not an excuse. I strongly suggest that you go for anger management or counseling sessions.

May Allah protect us all, Amin.

Abdurragmaan Khan

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Has My Husband Divorced Me?

Shaykh Jamir Meah clears up confusion regarding whether a divorce has in fact happened.

My husband said to me: “I will say three words. Talaq, talaq, talaq.” He didn’t say: “I divorce you,” and I didn’t know what his intentions were, but later on he said he didn’t divorce me.

Has our divorce happened as my husband said, “I will say three words.” He said that over the phone. I don’t know if he was giving a threat to divorce me or divorcing.

I pray you’re well insha Allah.

Using the gerund “talaq” (“divorce” or “divorcing”) by itself is considered an implicit statement of divorce (kinayah). Implicit statements of divorce require an intention of divorce when the statement is said in order for divorce to be effected. If no intention was made at all or the person did not intend divorce, then no divorce occurs.

Therefore, if your husband said, “Talaq, talaq, talaq” and did not intend divorce by it, then divorce has not occurred.

If he did intend divorce, then a three-fold divorce will have occurred, unless when he uttered these words, he specifically intended by the second and third “talaq” only an emphasis of the first “talaq” stated, in which case one divorce would be effected. You would have to confirm with him his intention when he said the words to you.  (Tuhfat al-Muhtaj, Iyanat al-Talibin)

On an additional note, your husband should be careful about threatening you with divorce if he does not wish to lose you. If you are having marital issues then do try to get outside help to intervene and find solutions.

I wish you all the best.

Warmest salams,

Jamir

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Uncertainty in Marriage (Shafi‘i Fiqh)

Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan answers questions about uncertainty concerning marriage and divorce.

Question:

Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa baraktuh.

I need help. Sometimes I feel very sad. My husband and I have argued many times throughout our marriage and sometimes I wonder if we are still husband and wife. He has even joked about a conditional divorce once. He said “If there is violence, we’re over.” At first he said he didn’t mean divorce but when I asked him again, he said Yes. He said that he said “Yes” so that I would listen and stop asking. Is that now a conditional divorce? Can you change the intention of a past sentence?

Please help me, I just want to move on with my life.

Thank you.

Thank you for writing to us.

  1. Arguing, no matter how excessive, does not constitute a divorce, unless a divorce is clearly pronounced.
  2. Your husband’s statement, “if theres violence, we’re over” will only be considered a conditional divorce if he intended divorce by his words, “we’re over,” as is the case with all figurative speech. In the case at hand, he consistently seems to be saying that he did not intend divorce, which effectively means that there would be no divorce even if violence was to occur.
  3. One may not change his intention that he had when pronouncing a particular formula or sentence. By way of example, if he intended divorce while uttering the above words, it remains as such and he cannot change the intention that he had at the time of uttering. Similarly, if he did not intend divorce, his intention cannot change subsequently.
  4. In short, you are not divorced from your husband, even if violence may have occurred after his utterance of the above statement. In addition, it would be advisable that you and your husband go for counseling and try and determine what is the root cause behind all quarreling and arguing within your marriage. Many a times, the solution is rather simple and can easily be identified by and experience counselor.

May Allah bless your marriage and remove all difficulties and challenges, Amin.

And Allah knows best,

Abdurragmaan Khan

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Am I Divorced?

Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: I had been separated from wife for a few years but met on several occasions. However, one day my wife said it was over and I gave my wife a Talaq but she later wanted to get back. And when my wife again said that the marriage was over, feeling anxious and stressed, I gave her a Talaq. However, I regretted it immediately and told my wife that I wanted her back. Am I divorced? 

Answer: Wa alaykum al-Salam

From your question it appears that you gave your wife two valid divorces, and after the second divorce, you almost immediately took her back as your wife (raj’ah). If the above is correct, then you are still married to your wife.

Note that if you were to give her a third divorce, you will not be able to take her back as a wife unless she marries another man, consummates the marriage with him and thereafter he divorces her. You would then have to wait till her waiting period expires and then marry her in order for her to be halal for you again.

And Allah knows best
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Note: Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdurragmaan received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.