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Can I Give Money to My Father, Knowing That He Will Spend It on Drugs?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My father does not pray and indulges in forbidden activities. Can I give him spending money even if I know he will spend it on drugs?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Father

Dear questioner, I am sorry that your father is in such a difficult state. Please make dua for your parents, especially him, after every obligatory prayer.

Make sincere dua during the last third of the night, even if it’s 15 minutes before the entry of Fajr. Don’t underestimate the power of your dua. Allah can turn all hearts, and heal even your father’s.

Please remember to treat your father with respect and compassion, even if he is being extremely difficult. I encourage you to enrol in and complete Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.

In the meantime, please listen to podcasts such as Content of Character.

Oppression

Narrated Anas: Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari]

As I am not sure about the details of your situation, then I can only offer you general advice.

If your father cannot be trusted with money, then I urge you to manage his financial affairs. It is better for you to buy him his groceries, pay his electricity bills, and so on. Perhaps you can give him a very small stipend so that he can feel some measure of independence, but please ensure that it is a minimal amount, and not enough for him to purchase drugs.

Support

Please accompany your father and seek out medical and psychological help. Addiction of any kind requires professional support.

I pray that Allah grants your father and your entire family a complete healing.

Please see:

How Can I Help My Brother Who Is Addicted to Drugs?

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Can I Hate My Father?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

Can a you fear or hate your father because of some bad opinions your mother taught you from a young age?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Father

This is a difficult situation. I pray that Allah grants you a complete healing. I am sorry that your mother has turned your heart against your father. This often happens when there is spousal abuse.

As Anse Tamara Gray described – the Prophetic family is kind. Please strive to view your father through the lens of kindness, despite his many mistakes.

Spiritual support

Please wake up in the last third of the night and perform The Prayer of Need. Read Qur’an as regularly as you can, and reflect on its deep meanings. Think about the deeply troubled family of Nabi Yusuf (upon him be peace), and how Allah healed them all.

Listen to podcasts such as Content of Character to teach you how to beautify your character.

Healing

I encourage you to enrol in and complete the Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.

Please strive to understand the rank of parents, even the ones who make terrible mistakes and wrong their children.

Make dua for him after every fardh prayer, and give in charity in his name. Give him gifts. Do everything in your power to heal your opinion of him.

It is difficult to cherish a father who was been demonised, either through his own actions or actions of others, but it is still important to treat him with respect. When you treat someone with kindness and respect for the sake of Allah, then He can bestow true affection in your heart.

Trauma

I encourage you to look into Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) as a way of changing the way you feel and think about your father. Trauma can take time to heal. Consider seeing a culturally-sensitive counsellor.

Hakim Archuletta and Peter Levine are also excellent resources for trauma recovery. Hakim Archuletta teaches at the Zawiyah retreat in Rosales. I encourage you to save up and go, and consider this a beginning in your journey towards healing.

Please see:

How Does a Child Deal With Parents Who Fight Each Other?
How Should I Uphold My Family Ties?
How to Maintain Ties of Kinship Despite Hateful Siblings?

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Father Doesn’t Want Me to Marry My Best Friend’s Brother. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam alaykum,

I want to marry my best friend’s brother, but my father is not happy with this. His family approve of me, but my father doesn’t want anything to do with this. I am already in love with him. What do I do?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Wisdom

This is a delicate situation. I encourage you to be patient, and to use wisdom and tact while dealing with your father. He is your wali (guardian), and you need his blessings.

Marriage is so much more than two people in love. It is the joining of two families. Your family will be your rock as you navigate the early chapter of your marriage. It is far, far better to marry with the love, blessings and support from both your families, instead of just your future husband’s.

Father

What are your father’s fears? Many fathers feel that no man is good enough for their daughters. Does he know something about your best friend’s brother? Or did he have someone else in mind for you?

Can your mother speak to your father and understand his perspective? It can be very difficult to communicate to our parents about difficult topics, but please try your best to keep the lines of communication open.

Emotional regulation

You need to work on keeping yourself calm, grounded, and receptive to what your father has to say. I encourage you to read more Qur’an, learn how to meditate, make more dhikr, and other ways of finding your center.

When you learn how to better manage your emotions, then you will feel better about surrendering to the will of Allah. You will also be better ta communicating with your family.

Consultation

Is there a compassionate local scholar or elder who can speak to your father? He or she could help to mediate discussions with your family.

Education

When registration reopens, please enroll in and complete Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. I encourage your prospective husband to do the same.

I pray that Allah grants you what is best in this life and the next.

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

How Do I Deal With Having an Unfaithful Father?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My father has had a string of extra-marital affairs, and does not know that I know. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Support

Dear sister, you are in a very difficult situation. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Please reach out to a culturally-sensitive counsellor, therapist or psychologist. You need a safe and confidential place to process your strong feelings.

Ask your counsellor what the best approach is with your family, who seem to know the truth about his affairs. If it is beneficial for all of you to speak frankly about it so you can heal together as a family, then consider doing that. If you feel that coming clean about your father’s sins is going to cause more harm, then please refrain. If you are unsure about what to do, then please perform the Prayer of Guidance and watch how events unfold.

Prayer

I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, and beg Allah for relief. Commit to regular Qur’an recitation, connect yourself to authentic scholarship, give in regular charity, and have good company. Listen to podcasts like The Rawha, Why Islam Is True, This is Your Faith to inspire you.

Marriage

When it’s time for you to get married, then I encourage you and your prospective husband to seek pre-marital counselling. Also, please enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Family

“And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.” [Qur’an, 35:18]

You are not responsible for fixing this situation. Your father is an adult, and he will be called to account by Allah for what he did.

Your responsibility is to uphold good character, continue to treat your father with respect, and to be kind to the rest of your family. As heartbreaking as this situation is, please don’t let your father’s sins drive you to despair. You cannot control what he does, but you can make better choices for your own life.

Decision

If you feel that it is beneficial, then consider speaking frankly to your father. Tell him that you know, and that you are deeply worried for him.

If you fear that speaking to him about this will cause more harm than benefit, then refrain. If you are unsure about what to do, then please perform the Prayer of Guidance and watch how events unfold.

I pray that Allah eases your family’s pain, guides your father, and places serenity in your heart.

Please see:

What Should I Do When I Suspect My Parent Is Being Unfaithful?
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Wassalam.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Parents – Your Door to Allah’s Acceptance, by Ustadh Uthman Bally

Sometimes a door to Allah is opened in the form of a good deed, such as praying or giving charity but then the door of acceptance is still closed. Through parents, this final door can be opened. parents the door to acceptanceUstadh Uthman Bally recounts story upon wonderful story of how the relationship with our parents can have a major effect on our futures.

From a companion of the Prophet who couldn’t say the kalima on his deathbed until his mother forgave him for his harsh tongue, to the grandson of the Prophet who would never share a plate of food with her mother for fear that he would take a piece that she wanted. Then there’s the people who gave joy to others that their joy became angels that praised God until the Day of Judgement, and the man who gave away his one good deed.

“You might do a very small act, which then becomes your opening.”

We are grateful to Ha Meem Foundation for this recording

Resources for Seekers

Is It a Must for My Father to Be There When I Will Marry My Wife?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: Assalam alaykum

Is it a must for my father to be there when I will marry my wife?

I have left my father in very bad terms a while ago.

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

Yes, it is possible to have a valid marriage without parental approval, yet this is normally very problematic. In any case, I’d advise consulting with some local scholars because such situations can be sensitive.

Please also see: Obeying Parents in Matters of Marriage and: Marriage & Obedience to Parents and: When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?

And Allah Most High alone knows best.

wassalam,

[Ustadh] Tabraze Azam

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Tabraze Azam holds a BSc in Computer Science from the University of Leicester, where he also served as the President of the Islamic Society. He memorised the entire Qur’an in his hometown of Ipswich at the tender age of sixteen, and has since studied the Islamic Sciences in traditional settings in the UK, Jordan and Turkey. He is currently pursuing advanced studies in Jordan, where he is presently based with his family.

Can I Change My Last Name Because It Reminds Me of Severe Childhood Abuse?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I have undergone extensive trauma therapy to recover from a childhood that has scarred me for life. I have confronted my father about my painful experiences and it was a disaster. Since this confrontation,  my last name has triggered anger and resentment because it is associated with my father.

Can I change my last name given the above situation?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, I am so sorry to hear about your severe childhood abuse. Wounds like yours run deep, and I applaud you for choosing the path of healing. I pray that when you marry and have children, you will be a wonderful mother and loving wife. May Allah grant you complete healing, and help you stop the cycle of abuse.

Last name

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani has concluded that in exceptional circumstances such as yours, it is permissible for you to change your last name.

May Allah continue to bless your journey of healing. Please keep in touch.

Please refer to the following link:

Can a Woman Take Her Husband’s Surname?
Is it Necessary to Change One’s Name after Becoming Muslim?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Randy

My Father Teaches a Problematic Version of Islam in the Local Mosque. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My father has a deep aversion to the scholars of Islam. Despite this, he has persisted in teaching at the local Sunday School at the mosque. He spreads his strange ideas but his eloquence lends him an outward appearance of authority and people are swayed by him.


1) What are his rights over me should I call him to to an authentic understanding of Islam?

2) Is it obligatory for me to have the mosque prevent him from teaching?

3) Given my father’s state, if he asks me to forgo marriage to a less ‘cultured’ girl is it obligatory for me to do so?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for having such sincere concern for your father, and may Allah guide him to an authentic understanding of Islam.

Father

Many parents do not like being advised by their children, especially in matters of religion. If the direct approach upsets him, then try a different strategy. Model good character in your day-to-day dealings with him. Be of service to him, enquire about his health, and offer to run errands for him.

Perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night and ask Allah to guide him. Have hope in Allah, for He is the Turner of Hearts.

Masjid

It is obligatory for you to warn the masjid that he is spreading false teachings about Islam. Tenets of Islamic belief must only be taught by someone who has a chain of authentic knowledge, stretching back to the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace). It sounds like your father is a self-taught man who lacks a fundamental understanding about the basics of our religion. His eloquence and ignorance make him a danger to vulnerable children.

Please ask the masjid board to treat this situation with tact, wisdom, and confidentiality. Your father will be angry and deeply hurt if he finds out about your role in his potential dismissal. If the masjid board does not take action, then please ask for help from trustworthy scholars in your local area.

Marriage

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Qu’ran 17:23]

It is not obligatory for you to obey your father in his choice of bride for you. It is obligatory for you to treat him with respect and kindness.

Your father wants what is best for you, and in his mind, he feels that a ‘cultured’ bride will be better for you. If you choose someone who does not fit his criteria, then both of you must strive to win him over through patience and good character. I pray that Allah grants you tawfiq in this.

I strongly encourage you to complete this course – The Rights of Parents.

Please refer to the following links:

VIDEO: How To Develop Meaningful Relationships With Parents (Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, Shaykh Zahir Bacchus & Shaykh Rami Nsour)
Do I Have to Marry Someone Within My Caste to Please My Family?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Can I Still Speak to My Non-Practising Daughter, Who Chose to Be Artificially Inseminated?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My daughter is not a practicing Muslim and does not want to talk about Islam. She chose to be artificially inseminated. Her divorced mother supports her. She did this because she did not find the right man. What is my status, as her father? What can I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you patience and draw you closer to Him through this trial.

Status

Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said, “Whoever has taqwa of his Lord and maintains ties of kinship, his term of life will be prolonged, his wealth will be abundant, and his family will love him.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Even though your daughter has sinned, the child she bears is innocent. However, this child will be born into a home which is currently far from Islam. This makes it even more important for you, as the child’s grandfather, to keep strong ties with the child as well as her/his mother. InshaAllah, you will be a positive role model for your grandchild.

Wisdom and tact

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Three supplications are answered without a doubt: the supplication of someone who is oppressed, the supplication of someone on a journey, and the supplication of parents for their children.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

Although it must be extremely heartbreaking to see your own daughter wilfully disobey Allah, please continue to make dua for her. Your duas for her are inshaAllah accepted, even if you do not see them answered immediately.

In addition to that, please spend time with her, and treat her with love and compassion. Do not preach about Islam if this will bring about more harm than good. Show your sincere concern for her in other ways. Support her in her pregnancy, be there for her when she is faced with the reality of caring for a newborn, and do so with an attitude of sincerity and warmth. InshaAllah your good character will soften her heart towards Islam.

Divorce

Please try your best to uphold good character when interacting with your daughter’s mother. The way you treat her will impact on your daughter’s opinion of you. Having divorced parents can be painful even for adult children, and it is even harder when there is still hostility.

Hope

“Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, ‘When (will come) the Help of Allah?’ Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near! “ [2:214]

Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to grant guidance to your daughter and your unborn grandchild. Never lose hope in the Mercy of Allah. Have a good opinion of Him, and trust that everything happens for a reason. Our role is not to ask why, but to respond in ways which are most pleasing to Him.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother will change your daughter on many levels, inshaAllah. I pray that giving birth and raising a child will bring her closer to Allah.

Please refer to the following links:

What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Should I Support Financially the Illegitimate Child of My Deceased Father?
Can I Claim a Child from an Illicit Relationship?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

What Are the Financial Responsibilities of a Man Regarding His Children From a First Marriage?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: As salam alaykum,

A man marries and has 2 daughters from this marriage but later divorces this first wife – taking no financial responsibility or responsibility of any sort for the two daughters. He then marries a second wife and has three daughters from this second marriage. Are the daughters from the first marriage Islamically eligible for a share in the father’s wealth/will although he never supported them after divorce from the mother?

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray that this message finds you well, insha’Allah.

Yes, the basis is that the father is responsible for the financial support (nafaqa) of his children.

Allah Most High says, “and clothing and maintenance must be borne by the father in a fair manner. ” [2.233]

What is Financial Support (nafaqa) in this Context?

The required maintenance or support is that of food, clothing and shelter, as is the case with all such support when mentioned in the works of law. Here, it should be sufficient to fulfil their needs, and commensurate with the state of the father.

Who Must it be Given To?

Before they become adult (baligh), the father must support his children whether they are male or female. Thereafter, he is responsible for the financial support of his female children until they marry, upon which the duty transfers to her husband. (Details with respect to the male children can be given upon request.)

However, if, after she becomes an adult, she is able to earn a living by means of a safe, dignified job, then she could be sought to support herself through her own income. In the case that she does so, yet her income is insufficient, the father would need to supplement it so that it fulfils the remainder of her needs.

What if the Father Does Not Pay?

In a traditional setting, the wife would have raised her case to the Islamic court from the moment her husband left, and thereafter, the judge would have ruled that the father must pay, even if he doesn’t do so immediately.

But in the absence of such a system, the mother can forward her case to the local authorities if they will be able to assist her. Yet, even if it cannot be legally enforced by the courts, the father would still be sinful for his neglect of the financial rights of his children, and thus the duty to repay the wife for her expenditure upon the children would remain.

As for the amount she can claim from him, having records of payments would be ideal, yet in the absence of such paperwork, it is possible that she could use the measure of something similar to the “child’s benefit allowance” in order to determine an approximate figure.

What if the Mother was at Fault?

Nevertheless, if the mother was at fault in this scenario, by having taken the children and severed ties with the father, for example, then the matter would be different, and it is possible that she would not be due anything.

The underlying assumption in such a case would be that she decided to support the children on her own and without the father’s wealth, and that he could not have paid even if he wanted to do so. Therefore, she wouldn’t have a right to make a claim later in life, particularly as the basis is that there is no make up [payments] (qada’) for overdue financial maintenance as it is not considered to be a legal debt.

[Ibn `Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar `ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar; Ibn `Abidin, Minhat al-Khaliq `ala al-Bahr al-Ra’iq; Qadri Pasha, al-Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya, with Abyani’s Commentary]

Please also see: Rights of Children in Detail

And Allah alone knows best.

wassalam,

Tabraze Azam

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani