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What Should One Do If One Had Intercourse With One’s Wife While She Was Still Menstruating?

Answered by Ustadh Farid Dingle

Question: What should one do if one had intercourse with one’s wife and then later found out that she was still menstruating?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important and valued question.

In the Shafi’i school, it is recommended when one has intercourse with one’s wife and then later finds out that she is still menstruating to give away half an Islamic gold dinar in charity, or its monetary equivalent. (Asna al-Matalib, Zakariya al Ansari)

There is, of course, no sin on either party as it happened unintentionally.

The Islamic gold dinar is 4.235g. (Reliance of the Traveller, Nuh Keller) Today, half of that would roughly come out to 102 USD.

The reason for this ruling is the hadith, ‘If a man sleeps with his wife while she is menstruating, then if the blood is dark red, let him give a dinar in charity, and if it is light in color, let him give half a dinar.’ (Abu Dawud and others)

I pray this helps,

[Ustadh] Farid

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language

Re Previous Answer on Wife’s Conjugal Rights

Shaykh Jamir Meah clarifies certain aspects of a previous answer on a wife’s conjugal rights.

I am writing to inquire a further look at this portion from a previous answer: What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?

Islam already takes into account the fact that a woman may have times where she is physically or psychologically unable to fulfill her husband’s desire, and by doing so, her condition may worsen. In these cases, the husband would be prohibited from forcing the wife to have intercourse, and if he did so, he would be sinful.

I am concerned about whether the wording is intentional. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say that a man should never force his wife to have sex with him, and if she refuses he cannot force her to? I think the traditional definition of rape here still applies in that case, but I think that would also be an example of domestic abuse. This hadith is often misquoted by people to scare and demoralize Muslim women, in my experience. It would be good to see a lesson or article dedicated specifically to it.

Jazak Allah khayr, for all the good work that you do. Insha Allah that good only increases in the future.

Due to the question being predominantly about the wife’s conjugal rights and the husband’s neglect of it, the answer was mainly focused on this issue.

The “rape” section was in response to a very brief, almost passing, part of the question. (I think it was completely edited out from the final question published.) Hence my very brief response to it. I cannot remember the exact question, but it was not a direct or general question about forced sex within marriage, more about if the husband demands relations while the wife is unable to have relations, hence my specific answer on that.

I wholeheartedly agree that a specific and detailed article on this latter topic would be beneficial. For now, the relevant rulings and details, which concur with my own understanding and how I would address the issue, can be found in this excellent answer by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam: Can a Wife Refuse her Husband’s Call to Bed?

This is a sensitive topic that can be exploited by many, both men and women. For sure, we need to do more to educate and warn Muslim men about these rulings and to have proper conduct and care in marriage, but we must also be aware that there is currently a very strong feminist movement at work which has it’s own agenda, much of which is insidious.

Warmest salams,

Jamir

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Marital Inspiration in Silhouette Images

Shaykh Abdurrahmaan Khan clarifies the use of images for inspiration in marriage.

Would it be permissible to explore different sexual positions by looking at the silhouette of a man and women (only the body shape) in different positions?

Thank you for your question.

The ruling of gazing at any object with desire (shahwah) is haram or impermissible. Viewing sex positions from silhouette images could be done with one of two intentions. 1. With the objective of deriving pleasure from viewing the image and 2. Using the image as a medium towards enhancing sexual relations. Subsequently, sexual relations could be 2.1. conjugal or between spouses or 2.2. fornication or adultery.

Categories 1 and and 2.2 are undoubtedly impermissible. As for category 2.1, the current author feels that it would be permissible based on the maxim that “mediums receive the ruling of the objectives.” The objective here being the enhancement of conjugal relations.

I would further advise that these images only be viewed in the presence of one’ s wife so as to avoid falling into category 1.

And Allah knows best.

Abdurragmaan Khan

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

My Husband Does Not Want Marital Relations. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My husband is not interested in having marital intimacy with me no matter how much I beautify myself for him. When I try to talk to him about this, he becomes aggressive. But He spends a lot of money on me. Am I being ungrateful?

I left my studies and work to relocate with my husband after marrying me. Do I continue to observe patience?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Final decision

Narrated Anas: Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed.” People asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Sahih Bukhari]

Dear sister, have you completed performing the Prayer of Guidance seven times? If so, then observe how events have unfolded in your life. If your husband agrees to go to counselling with you, stops abusing you, or responds to your request for marital intimacy, then take this is a sign that your marriage is worth saving. However, if he persists in neglecting and hurting you, then please consider taking steps to end your marriage.

Although divorce is the most hated of permissible things to Allah, this may be a mercy to both of you. Even if he doesn’t want to end your marriage, you have the right to, if you wish. You can request for a khula’ (separation) and return your mahr to him. If your husband resists, please speak to a compassionate local scholar and seek his assistance. MashaAllah, you are an educated and capable woman, and your provision is with Allah.

Emotional needs

Wanting love, affection and intimacy from your husband is not an unreasonable request. You are not being ungrateful. Please take comfort in that. Please continue to see your counsellor, especially if you choose to end your marriage. There is an unnecessary amount of stigma surrounding divorce in the Muslim community, so take heart in knowing that even the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them all) divorced and remarried.

Libido

To help with your feelings of sexual frustration, I encourage you to fast, and refrain from things that inflame your desire. Cut down on red meat, and have more cooling foods in your diet. Consult a naturopath for dietary advice.

Please forgive me for my bluntness, but if you are ever tempted to commit zina out of frustration, then you are permitted to masturbate to avoid that greater sin.

Support

I am sorry that you have struggled to find support from fellow Muslims. Alhamdulilah for the help you receive from non-Muslims. May Allah gift them with guidance.

Please look after yourself during this difficult time and reach out to your loved ones for support. A decision like divorce is a difficult one, and it is during times like this that you will find out who your true friends are. Remember that Allah Most High is always with you, no matter how much creation lets you down.

I pray that Allah grants you an opening, lifts your tribulation and rewards you for your steadfastness.

Please see:

Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse: “In Islamic law it is absolutely unlawful to abuse a wife, injure her, or insult her dignity.” – Allahcentric
Problems in the bedroom department play a huge part in the failure of many marriages.

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

I Suspect That My Wife Does Not Pray. Do I Stay or Leave?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My wife and I have been married for over several years, with two kids. I rarely see her pray. If I ask her, she wouldn’t give a clear answer but gets angry that I don’t trust her. Since the situation has persisted for a long time and I’m perpetually miserable, I feel that separating is the only course of action. We don’t even share a bedroom anymore.

Should I continue giving her the benefit of the doubt for the sake of maintaining our shaky marriage?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant the steadfastness to endure until He sends you an opening.

Balance

They key is to strike a balance between having a good opinion of her, encouraging her to good, while forbidding wrong.

It is praiseworthy that you are deeply concerned for your wife’s prayer. However, it sounds like your marriage is on its last legs, and you lack the rapport to positively influence your wife in matters of deen.

Resolving differences

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? If not, I strongly urge you and your wife to do so. Please think very carefully about divorce. That is your last option, and not your first. Even though it has reached a point where you are no longer even sharing a bedroom, I pray that there is still hope for reconciliation.

Although a happy marriage with your wife might seem unimaginable for you right now, please remember that anything is possible through Allah’s help. Please perform the Prayer of Need during the last third of the night, and beg Allah to heal your marriage. Please perform The Prayer of Guidance to help you decide how to move forward.

Please read this book – The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee – so you have a better idea about how divorce will impact on your children. If Allah wills for you to divorce, then nothing can prevent that. However, being aware of its fallout on your children will help you support them better.

Good character

Abu Ad-Dardh narrated that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.” [Tirmidhi]

There is so much reward in showing good character because it can be so difficult. Focus on your own behaviour, instead of your wife’s. What is her love language? A wife whose love language is words of affirmation would be very irritated by a husband who nags her to pray. Can you think of ways to create happier memories with your wife? Buy her flowers, leave her loving notes on the fridge, thank her for preparing your meals, go out to a cafe with her etc. She will be suspicious at first, but persist in showing her kindness. Please do these acts not as a way to manipulate her into praying. Focus on saving your marriage by helping her feel loved.

After establishing more rapport through these acts of loving kindness, do what you can to make prayer more inviting to her. When you are at home during the evening, invite your family to pray with you. If your wife refuses, make excuses for her. Perhaps she prefers to pray on her own to help increase her concentration.

Children

Please do not use your daughter to check on her mother’s prayer. Children know when something is amiss between their parents. It is important that you model a healthy relationship, and not cause your daughter to think poorly of her mother and pick sides. Triangulation of any kind is not healthy.

Education

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Reflect on the example of the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace), who was the epitome of patience with his wives. Reread the Sirah to remind yourself about how he treated his household.

I urge you and your wife to complete this course: Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. Suggest it to her, and if she doesn’t want to, complete it first to help you understand the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage.

Please refer to the following links:

Staying Connected to Your Purpose Even When Your Marriage is Rocky, by Ustadha Anse Tamara Gray
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Positive Spiritual Thinking: Choosing Mindfulness (taqwa) and Embracing Trust (tawakkul) by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
Bringing Barakah Into Your Wealth and Life

Wassalam,
[Ustadha]Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.