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How Do I Get Rid of My Desperation to Get Married?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am a single 28 year old woman. I have not dated anyone before. It is so upsetting that I have ended up feeling unwanted at this age. How am I supposed to be happy knowing that no matter what happens, my singlehood persists? My mind keeps going back to how nothing ever really happens despite asking God.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah lift this turmoil in your heart and replace it with tranquility.

Contentment

A shaykh once told me to make this dua: “O Allah, make me want what You want.” Make this dua as much you can, to help you surrender to the Decree of Allah.

Read Surah Yusuf to help lift your sadness. Make daily istighfar and send salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).

Dua

Abu Huraira reported that Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said:
The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and says: “I supplicated but it was not granted.” [Sahih Muslim]

Please continue to make dua for a righteous and loving spouse. Trust that Allah will send you what you need, at the best possible time. In addition, please perform The Prayer of Need before the entry of Fajr. It is not our place to demand Allah to hurry – instead, beg Allah to soothe your heart, for He is the Turner of Hearts.

Dating

Dating in the Western sense (flirtation, being in seclusion with a non-mahram man, engaging in physical contact etc) is impermissible. Alhamdulilah for you not having committed this sin before. May Allah keep you steadfast on this, despite the rising trend of young Muslims going down this troubling path.

It is tempting for you to believe that because you have not dated, you are not wanted by anyone, therefore inherently unlovable. This is nothing more than waswasa by the shaytan, who wants to fool you into despair. Don’t buy into his lies. Never place your worth in the hands of your romantic partner. This puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Marriage

When registration reopens on February 8th, please complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. This will give you a clearer idea of what marriage calls you to.

Hajj and Umrah

Have you performed Hajj and Umrah yet? If not, please save up and go with a trusted mahram or a group of trustworthy women. When you first see the Ka’bah, make the dua of Imam Malik and ask Allah to answer all your duas. Then proceed to ask Allah for a righteous husband and children. Alhamdulilah, that’s what I did when I was in my twenties. I’m in my thirties now and have a husband and a baby daughter. Once, this was unimaginable for me. Truly, Allah is Generous and Wise.

Good opinion of Allah

Trust in Allah’s Wisdom. There is a reason why He is delaying marriage for you. Perhaps there are still character traits you need to develop. Developing patience with Allah’s Decree will serve you well throughout your marriage. You may find yourself tested by common trials such as finances, in-laws, communication difficulties, children, health issues etc. Use the time you have right now to practise gratitude for what you do have, and work on the parts of yourself that need refining.

I pray that one day, you will have the blessings of a husband and children who love you dearly. In the meantime, trust that you already have the love of your Creator.

Please refer to the following links:

Why my Singlehood Seems Endless and Why is it So Difficult to Bear?
Difficulty Getting Married Leading to Resentment and Depression
Advice for Those Who Are Still Single After Trying to Get Married for Years
Single Muslims – Why Can’t We Get Married?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Single Muslims – Why Can’t We Get Married?

Single Muslims

Why are single Muslims having difficulty finding a spouse? What do they bring to the table when looking for an ideal marriage? What is the Islamic backdrop to this search?

This open, flowing discussion took place in SeekersHub Toronto, in the company of Imam Tahir Anwar and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani. Chaired by Dr Bano Murtuja.

..but first, further resources for single Muslims:

Listen to the Podcast now

The Dowdy Muslim – Novid Shaid

The Dowdy Muslim
By Novid Shaid, September, 2010

There once was a dowdy Muslim
whose face looked clumsy and cold.
She would waddle down the street,
looking down at her feet,
covered up in flowing dark folds.

When she trudged on through the markets
or stood in queue like a dull figurine,
the other women so dashing,
with bodies like mannequins,
considered her image obscene!

There once was a dowdy Muslim,
whom the men and women thought glum.
“If I looked so poor
I’d lock myself indoors.
She most definitely has no fun!”

This woman, she behaved so different,
wrapping her body, shying away from men.
When they peered at her dress,
they thought her oppressed:
“How old-fashioned! And so out of trend!”
There once was a dowdy Muslim,
whom the world around misunderstood.
While the people from her town
gave her disapproving frowns,
in secret she wished them nothing but good.

In the night when all were dozing,
she would rise and implore the skies.
Praying for security,
for her cruel community;
gentle tears flowing from her eyes.

There once was a dowdy Muslim
whose neighbour was particularly mean,
so offended and repulsed
by this Muslim’s impulse
to obscure herself from being seen.

This neighbour was a proud professional,
an aerobics queen, with a facelift.
She went out with a doc,
who made a living from Botox.
Every Friday they went out and got pissed!

There once was a dowdy Muslim,
whose neighbour had a startling dream.
She witnessed her own fate
and awoke in a state,
letting off an ear-splitting scream!

This neighbour dreamed she was standing
on a plain with the rest of the world.
Feeling like a silly kid,
she stood there stark naked,
but none noticed or even said a word.

But as she stood and gazed around there,
someone caught her eye, standing so tall.
Beautiful as a pearl,
surrounded by whistling angels,
more delightful than a princess at a ball.

Now the neighbour was extremely curious,
there was something so obvious and familiar.
So she left her place
from the rows of the human race;
the curiosity was nearly killing her.

When she reached this towering individual,
angels turned to her, so surprised.
They looked at her, up and down
giving her ridiculing frowns:
“Why ever have you left your line?”

“Excuse me, but do I know you?”
Gasped the neighbour, up to this glistening head.
When the figure turned it face,
the neighbour’s heart raced
and her spirit was engulfed with dread.

For the figure was no other than the Muslim;
her neighbour, the sad, dowdy one.
Now she stood with such grace
pearls and jewels beautifying her face,
as if she were a chosen one.

“Where on earth am I?” shouted the neighbour.
“Why am I here, and how come you are suddenly so fine?!”
“Truth has conquered falsehood,”
said the Muslim as she stood,
“inner beauty wins at the end of time.”

Then the angels encircled and gambolled
with the Muslim, around and around.
Quick and gentle little sprites,
weaving circles of light
Singing: “she’s the best in town!”

“The best!” Woosh!! Woosh!!
“The best”, Woosh!! Woosh!!
“The best in town!”
With a dance and a giggle
And waddle and wiggle,
The holy angels sang: “The best in town!!!”

So, there once was a dowdy Muslim,
whom her people cackled:  “What a complete clown!”
But little did they know
of her deep, inner glow
as the hidden voices sang: “The best in town!!!”

“She’s the best!” Woosh!! Woosh!!
“The best!” Woosh!! Woosh!!
“The best in town!”
With a dance and a giggle
And a waddle and a wiggle,
the holy angels sang: “The best in town!”