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My Husband Married Me for My Visa and Abuses Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I realise that now my husband married me for my visa, less than a year ago. He has now broken every single agreement made for the marriage, some of which includes that he will support and help me finish my studies, yet from the second day of our marriage he pressured me into becoming pregnant. I can say with confidence that I have never wronged him. Why then must I also bear the pain of abuse?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Abuse

Dear sister, please do not put yourself through the agony of an abusive marriage for another 20 years. Alhamdulilah, you have the chance to set your life on a better path from now.

Please know that there is no excuse for your husband’s abusive behaviour. He is making a choice to belittle you. I urge you to get help from a culturally-sensitive counsellor, so that you can learn how to set better boundaries with him.

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance before making any final decisions. Please observe what Allah unfolds for you. For example, if your husband makes a sincere effort to change and make amends, then consider that a sign for you to work on your marriage. If he does not – and I suspect that this is a far more likely scenario – then please leave your marriage.

People do change, but only when they want to. From your description, it does not sound like is motivated to change his ways. I fear for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being, the longer you stay married to him. Everyone has limits, and your dignity matters to Allah.

Dunya

“Do people think that they will be left (at ease) only on their saying, “We believe” and will not be put to any test? Indeed We have tested those who were before them. So Allah will surely know the ones who are truthful, and He will surely know the liars.” [Qur’an, 29:2-3]

This dunya is a place of tribulation. This great test you are in is an opportunity for you to draw closer to Allah, or to pull away from Him. Instead of asking why this happened, reflect on what you can do to make this better. Learn from this experience. You are an adult, with choices, so make them wisely.

Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, as often as you can, and ask Allah to give you the strength to get through this trial.

Moving Forward

I encourage you to read Before You Tie The Knot. Choose your next husband wisely. Observe his character through how how he deals with others. Ask for character references from his friends, family members, and people who work with him. Listen to your intuition, and your istikhara.

Divorce

Abu Sa’id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience.” [Bukhari and Muslim].

Divorce carries a great stigma in most Muslim communities. Please know despite that, it is still permissible, and can be the beginning of a much better chapter of your life. If you choose this path, then please rally support from your family and friends. It will not be easy at first, so draw strength from remembrance of Allah.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Should I Leave My Husband Because of Religious Incompatibility?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

1) My husband works at his father’s restaurant, which sells alcohol. Is that permissible?

2) I live with my in laws. My husband does give his father money to roughly cover our costs and to contribute to the household but this is not an exact and clear amount. Is it haram for me to eat of the food here and benefit from the comforts of living in this home?

3) My father-in-law also often buys me gifts such as Eid clothes. Is it haram for me to accept?

4) My husband has a substantial amount of debt. Is it permissible for us to go on holiday despite this? We do not have much privacy because we live with his family.

5) Should I leave my husband because of religious incompatibility?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay. May Allah reward you for your patience.

Alcohol

Please refer to this answer – Does Working at a Place Where Alcohol Is Sold Make One’s Income Impermissible?

“If the work that he does is permissible, his income would be permissible, regardless of whether or not alcohol is served on the premises.”

If the work your husband does at his father’s restaurant is permissible, then his income would be permissible. As a general rule, you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions aside from your own.

What Are the Principles of Work and Assisting in Sin? [Video]
Can I Work for a Restaurant Serving Pork and Alcohol?

In-Laws

Please accept the gifts from your in-laws. It would hurt their feelings if you were not to do so.

You can assume that the permissible portion of your in-law’s income is what is used to feed and clothe you. Please make dua for Allah to guide them, and ensure that you at least are upholding prayer and other obligatory and supererogatory acts of worship.

Marriage

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar that the Messenger of Allah said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

I encourage you to do everything in your power to save your marriage and to consider divorce a last resort. I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Guidance and watch what Allah makes easier for you – staying in your marriage, or leaving.

Communication

Learning how to communicate effectively with your husband is a skill. It sounds like the way you are speaking to him is contributing to him feeling flooded, and then he shuts down.

Please learn how to soften your start-up.

Manage Conflict – Part 1
Manage Conflict – Part 2
Making Sure Emotional Flooding Doesn’t Capsize Your Relationship
Diffusing Difficult Conversations with Love

Tribulation

It may feel like your life would be easier without the interference of your husband and his family. However, the dunya is a place of tribulation, and there is no guarantee that your second marriage will be any easier. The lessons you fail to learn in your first marriage may be repeated in your second marriage.

Because of this, I encourage you to sit with your feelings of unhappiness and discontent, and reflect on what you can do to make it better. You cannot control your husband and your in-laws but you can do much to control yourself.

I encourage you to practice mindfulness. Speak to a culturally-sensitive counsellor. Ground yourself through somatic exercises.

Moving out

You have the right to your own quarters A Wife’s Right to Housing Seperate From Her In-Laws.

However, because your husband has a lot of debt, it makes more sense for both of you to continue living with his family. If you were to move out, then a substantial amount of his income would go to covering rent.

Living with in-laws is difficult, and taking regular breaks to recharge is important. Because of your financial constraints, I recommend that you do take regular breaks, but keep them affordable. Opt for local retreats instead of international ones, for example.

Ownership

Dear sister, you are an adult. You make choices and live with the consequences. Take some time to reflect on what kind of life you would like to lead.

I encourage you to reflect on why you chose to marry your husband. What positive qualities does he have? Does he treat you well? What kind of father will he be? If you change your communication style, will he be open to your influence?

If you exhaust all options and see that your marriage is not salvageable, then please ask for a divorce with a clear conscience. I pray that Allah guides you to what is most pleasing to Him.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Bringing Barakah Into Your Wealth and Life

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Is a Khulu’ the Solution to Leave an Abusive Husband? (Shafi’i)

Answered by Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum,

Since the beginning of our marriage my husband has been disrespectful by calling me derogatory names and does not stop until I breakdown or cry. He repeats to me almost everyday that he will do what he wants and will not grant me a divorce out of spite. A friend recommended me to ask about a Khulu’. What is it?

Answer: Wa alaykum al-Salam

May Allah bring ease to your situation. If your marriage is unbearable and seperation is your best your option and your husband refused to issue a divorce, then these are your options:

1. Annulment

Annulment requires you to approach an Islamic Judicial body and then to state the reasons why you believe you are entitled to an annulment. The judge presiding over the court would then do the necessary investigation and if the circumstance warrants an annulment, he would issue one. Certain cities may not have judiciary bodies, in this case please consult the local scholars of your city.

2. Tafwid

Tafwid is when the husband hands over the power of divorce to his wife. He thus says to her, “I permit you to divorce yourself from me” or “I hand over to you the power of divorce”. The wife then accepts immediately and says, “I divorce myself from you”. The wife has to do this immediately after the husband offers tafwid, she may not do so a few minutes later or the next day. This option is a good one where the husband doesn’t want his colleagues to look down upon him for divorcing his wife. She thus divorces herself from him.

3. Khulu’

Khulu’ is where the wife offers the husband a some of monies to divorce her. The husband would then say, “I divorce you for 100USD” and the wife then accepts.

May Allah guide you that which is best in this world and the next.

Wassalam
[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan
received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

My Husband Doesn’t Sleep Next to Me. What Can I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have three small children under the age of 5. Less than a year ago, my mother-in-law passed away, and from that day until now, he sleeps in his father’s room. My father-in-law is not sick.

I sleep in a separate room with our three children. I only sleep next to my husband when guests come over. Is my husband doing the right thing by me?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Father-in-law

Your husband sounds like a very concerned son, and that is praiseworthy. However, your rights are important too. It is obligatory for your husband to look after both his father as well as you, and your children. The key here is balance.

Husband

It is very important for you to communicate your unhappiness with your husband. Having three small children is incredibly exhausting, and one of the ways you can recharge is by nourishing your marriage by tending to your marital bed.

My Husband Neglects Me. What Do I Do?
My Husband Does Not Satisfy Me During Marital Relations. What Can I Do?
Building a Great Sex Life is Not Rocket Science

If your husband is not sleeping next to you, do you still have marital intimacy? This is a very important part of your marriage, and if neglected, can lead to bigger problems later on.

Communication

How open is your husband to your influence? Does he accept feedback well? Many spouses tend to go to the defensive, especially when you raise topics related to their parents.

Husbands Can Only Be Influential if They Accept Influence
Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage

Please of ways you can soften your start-up before bringing up this topic to your husband. Expect him to go on the defensive the first few times.

Date night

Do you and your husband have enough time alone? Please make it a point to nourish your marriage by spending quality time together on a regular basis.

4 Ways Parents Can Balance Couple Time and Family Time

Self-care

Do you have enough support in your daily life? The daily care of three small children is exhausting, so please reach out for help. Even if it’s once a week, please ensure that you have some time to yourself to recharge alone.

I pray that Allah brings you and your husband closer together.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Husband Neglects Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I sometimes feel neglected by my husband. He is a good man who works hard, but does not reciprocate my acts of love for him. I greet him lovingly when he is home, I shower him with sweet words and compliments, I buy him gifts…

I have brought this topic up twice, and as a result, my husband will make an effort for a few days but this does not last. What should I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Marriage

It is only natural for you to long for your husband to show you love in a way you can appreciate.

When registration reopens, I encourage both of you to enrol in and complete this course – Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Please listen to this free downloadable lesson set – Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Communication

It can be very challenging to learn how to communicate effectively within a marriage. You and your husband are still newly married, so please give yourselves time.

I encourage you and your husband to read these articles and work on implementing them:

Dr. Gottman’s 3 Skills (and 1 Rule!) for Intimate Conversation
Weekend Homework Assignment: Intimate Conversation
Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage
3 Steps to Reconnect When You Feel Disconnected From Your Partner

Love Language

What is your main love language, and what is your husband’s? I am guessing that because you show him love through words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts – then you would like him to do the same. However, his way of showing love is through acts of service. This is why you are so frustrated by the mismatch.

I encourage you to share the love language website with him, purchase the book, encourage him to read it and express how important it is for you . Bear in mind that you cannot force him to change. All you can do is open the door towards his change. He has to choose to walk through it.

Counselling

If you struggle to communicate your concerns calmly and effectively to your husband, then I suggest that you both see a qualified and culturally-sensitive marriage counsellor. If your husband becomes very defensive when you bring up the possibility of marriage counselling, please stay calm. His response is a common one.

Self-care

You do not have control over your husband’s behaviours and feelings. You do, however, have the ability to work on your own.

What, who, and where else can you draw comfort from? What is meaningful in your life? Do you have strong connections to your family and close friends? What is your study of the deen like?

Allah

There is a space in your heart that belongs solely to Allah. Your husband, and no human being, can fill that. Reflect on this. Wake up before the entry of Fajr and pour your sorrow out to Allah. Perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to nourish your marriage, and to comfort you.

Commit to daily Qur’anic recital. Enrol in a SeekersHub course, explore the podcasts, and commit to a regular listening/study practice. Be of service to your family, and if you can, the wider community. Make your heart and your life full of love, compassion and service, and I pray that your husband will learn from your good character.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Husband Refuses to Spend Time With Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I keep wanting to spend time with my husband, but he is not keen. He’s always okay to go out with others, but when it comes to me, he says no or makes a face or tells me to go. It’s difficult to spend alone time with him because we live with his family. How do I make him my best friend?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Marriage

I encourage you to enrol in this course to better understand the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage – Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Communication

It sounds like your husband and you have a problematic relationship dynamic. I encourage you to do what you can do improve your end of this relationship.

Manage Conflict: The Six Skills

The Four Types of Supportive Behavior And How To Identify The One You Need

I recommend that you read ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer by Hal and Jenny Runkel.

Self-care

I encourage you to spend more time and effort looking after yourself. You cannot control your husband’s behaviour, but you can work on managing your own emotions and behaviour.

Weekend Homework Assignment: Physiological Self-Soothing

Self Care: Cherishing Yourself And Your Relationship

Love Language

What is your husband’s love language? What is yours? In the absence of your husband’s loving attention, how else can you nourish yourself? Do you have a hobby that you enjoy? Do you have close friends you can lean on?

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to help comfort you and heal your marriage. Find comfort in the Qur’an, especially Surah Yusuf.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Kids. What Can I Do?

Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: Assalam alaykum

My husband has changed his mind about having kids. It has been a very traumatic experience for me as I love him dearly and I want to have a family with him.

1. My husband argues that there is nothing in Islam that says that a married couple must try to have children. Is it true?

2. If I am unable to convince him, is it haram for me to go off birth control without his permission and pretend to have an accidental pregnancy?

Answer: Assalamu alaykum

1. Having children is certainly something encouraged by our religion as evidenced in the Qur’an and sunna. The Qur’an, for example, describes the Prophet Ibrahim (blessings be upon him) as supplicating to God, “My Lord, grant me a child from the righteous.” (37:100)

Similarly, the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) instructed some of his companions to marry those who would bear them children stating, “I will be proud of your great numbers.” [Abu Dawud]

Having children is not only following in the footsteps of past prophetic figures, such as Ibrahim and our Messenger (blessings be upon them), but it is also a blessing in a number of ways. Children are a means for one’s salvation, they are a source of sustenance, and also a form of continual charity for parents. Importantly, having children can be an expression of one’s love for the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) when done with the intention of making him proud of his communities size in the next life.

2. The majority of scholars have stated that a wife’s consent is necessary for any form of birth control – even simple acts of withdrawal (i.e. coitus interruptus). One of the reasons for this is clear: a wife has a right to have children. This is, in fact, one of the main purposes of marriage and for a husband to deny his wife this right is potentially a sin.

As such, your choosing not to carry on with birth control is your decision. With this said, I cannot give any specific advice regarding whether you should simply cease taking birth control without telling your husband. A healthy marriage is based on mutual respect and an openness that is conducive to a healthy relationship. You should speak to your husband openly and stress that having a family is both something the shariah encourages and is a right of yours. He also needs to understand how you feel and the manner in which this will effect the future of your marriage. A third party, such as a reliable marriage counselor and scholar, may also prove helpful in this situation.

If things do not change then you will have to decide what course of action you wish to take. Keep making du`a to God to bless your marriage and facilitate matters for you. You should also perform the istikhara prayer given the seriousness of your situation.

Also see:

The Virtues of Having Children

Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance

[Ustadh] Salman Younas

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Salman Younas graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Political Science and Religious Studies. After studying the Islamic sciences online and with local scholars in New York, Ustadh Salman moved to Amman. There he studies Islamic law, legal methodology, belief, hadith methodology, logic, Arabic, and tafsir.

How to Deal With a Husband Who Doesn’t Practice?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

My husband is not fasting this year citing work as reason. But even on holidays, he refuses to fast saying that it will alter his routine. He is not regular in prayer’s as well. He just prays on friday. Sometimes he eats non-halal. I am losing my patience. How should I deal with this situation?

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. Jazakum Allah khayr for reaching out.

Shared religious orientation and practice is extremely important in a marriage for the simple fact that religion is the most profound basis to nurture love, respect, and build for the future. When couples don’t share a mutual religious outlook, not only does it directly affect the relationship, but it also holds the other spouse back from being able to nurture their individual faith and grow as a Muslim.

Despite the general niceties and good qualities of a spouse, these are not qualities that can provide religious fulfilment and the respect that comes with that. When faced with a situation as you have described, one must assess what can be done, what they expect from the marriage, and what is the reality of the situation. To answer these, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband, as well as reflect on your own.

What to do

Perhaps the following will be of help to you:

1. Before anything, try to see what may be holding your husband back from practicing the religion. Bring the question up in a gentle and non-confrontational way. Avoid getting angry and hear him out. If there are specific problems or concerns he has, then try to find solutions, such as arranging to speak to a local, reliable scholar, or consider taking courses together, such as the Marriage in Islam course offered here at SeekersHub.

If he is struggling with practicing, or feels that practicing means changing his whole life around, then if he is willing, then discuss how to make small changes slowly by only observing the absolute obligations of worship. Tell him that he doesn’t have to change everything suddenly, change the way he looks, or his friends etc. It is fine to stick to the 5 pillars for now. That is a good place to start.

2. Having crystallised your own thoughts and expectations beforehand, make it clear to him how you feel and what you want from the marriage. Explain to him that having a marriage based on Islamic principles is important for you, and that him not practicing jeopardises your marriage, and your love and respect for him. Perhaps this may make him realise the gravity of the situation and how you feel about the matter.

3. If it becomes apparent that there is no specific issue holding him back from practicing, but rather, he just does not want to practice, and it becomes obvious that he is unlikely or unwilling to change, then unfortunately, there is not much you can do and the ultimate decision will return to you and what you want from the marriage.

You may find the following answers also useful:

My Husband Does Not Practice. What Do I Do?
Am I Accountable if My Family Doesn’t Practice Islam?

I pray that Allah guides your husband to the religion and eases your affairs.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

My Husband Let Us Starve. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam Alaykum,

I am the second wife and have two small children. My husband has not given me or my co-wife enough money to even buy clothes in years. Every time I ask him for money, he says there isn’t any, yet he gives so much to community organisations. How do I make my husband own up to his responsibilities?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Financial Support

Narrated `Aisha: Hind, the mother, of Mu’awiya said to Allah’s Messenger (upon him blessings and peace), “Abu Sufyan (her husband) is a miser. Am I allowed to take from his money secretly?” The Prophet (upon him blessings and peace) said to her, “You and your sons may take what is sufficient reasonably and fairly.” [Bukhari]

You have the right to take what you and your children need, from your husband, without his permission.

Communication

I do not know the details of your marriage, but it sounds like your difficulties have escalated over time. Does he still listen to you? If so, please appeal to his sense of honour. Help him see how much you and your children are suffering.

If that does not work, then who does your husband respect and listen to? If your husband will not listen to you, then perhaps he will listen to a trusted friend/advisor.

Community

As the imams of your community have let you down, then do not go to them. Instead, speak directly to trustworthy members of your community. Let them know that while they take from your husband, you and your children are starving. It is their responsibility to stop taking money from him.

If your husband continues to financially neglect you and your children, then please arrange for these community members to give you his donations. Their money is rightfully yours.

Please do so with tact, in a way that will not bring harm upon you and your children.

Judge

If your husband refuses to change his ways, then I urge you to take him to a judge. It is better for him to be accountable for his neglect in this world, instead of the next.

Divorce

Narrated Anas: Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari]

Dear sister, look at the state of your marriage. Your husband is knowingly allowing you and your children to starve. This is not a man who will own up to his responsibilities. You cannot make him come to his senses. The longer you stay married to him, then the longer you allow him to oppress you and your children. There is no excuse for him abusing you and your children like this. You can break this cycle.

Please do not waste years of your life, and that of your children, waiting for him to change. Take your life back into your hands. Please ask him for a divorce, and if he is unwilling to give you one, then ask for a khula’ (return your mahr in exchange for your freedom).

I urge you to perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times about leaving your husband. If, by some miracle, he changes his ways, asks you and your children for forgiveness, and begins to financially support all of you, then that is a sign for you to stay and work on your marriage. However, if he continues to neglect all of you, then please take that as a clear sign to leave.

Trust in God

“If Allah helps you, there is none to overcome you. And if He abandons you, then, who is there to help you after that? In Allah the believers should place their trust.” [Qur’an, 3:160]

Single motherhood is often a long, lonely and painful road. However, your husband has already financially abandoned you and your children. Please return to the safety of your family, heal, and start anew. Trust that Allah will always look out for you, and send you the help that you need.

May Allah grant you the courage to free yourself and your children. Please keep in touch.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Du’a – Supplication for one whose affairs have become difficult

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Husband Wants Marital Relations Every Day, and Washing My Hair So Often Makes It Fall Out. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam alaykum,

I used to pray before I got married, and even performed tahajjud daily. However, my husband wants to make love daily, and I am unable to wash my hair every day because my hair falls out. I cannot say no to him, but I want to pray. He is a loving husband, but doesn’t pray at all. Do I have to wash my hair for ghusl?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Prayer

Dear sister, I pray that Allah grants you the strength and courage to return to your obligatory prayers, and to tahajjud. Establishing your prayer is the most important thing you can do in your life.

Please make your repentance, and strive to do everything your power to return to your prayer. You will need to pay back all the prayers you have missed. Please make a timetable and commit to it.

Ghusl

It is obligatory for you to wash your hair when you make ghusl. I encourage you to think of creative solutions. Is it possible for you to cut your hair?

Please see your doctor and a nutritionist. Perhaps you are lacking in certain vitamins and minerals, especially if you are breastfeeding. Please find out what supplements you should be taking.

Marriage

“And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward.” [Qur’an, 8:28]

When registration reopens, please enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

I pray that this course will help you gain a better understanding about the foundation of a successful Islamic marriage – sincere concern. This concern does not stop at the dunya, but it extends all the way to the akhirah.

Because of this, please make dua for Allah to guide your husband. Establishing his prayer is extremely important. Please be a good example for him. Be a woman of tahajjud again, and be that example for your child. Ramadan is coming soon, so prepare for that by establishing your prayers.

Connection

How can you nourish your connection to Allah? Could you give in regular charity? Listen to and read more Qur’an? I encourage you to listen to podcasts such as Content of Character and The Rawha.

I pray that Allah grants you the courage and wisdom to return to prayer.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.