Can You Advise Me on Dealing With My Husband’s Strictness and Coldness?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

It has been only been 13 months since I married, but during this period, my husband and I went through an emotional roller coaster. I have stayed with him for 6 months as we were separated the rest of the time.

It bothers me that he is way too rigid with Islamic law when it comes to me. He doesn’t like me to go to my parents’ place. He thinks according to Hanafi madhhab, a wife can visit her parents’ place just once a week. I feel bad and lonely staying home constantly. My parents only live 10 minutes away.

He abuses me emotionally a lot. Now he says he doesn’t feel happy with me.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I’m sorry that you are going through this turmoil with your husband. I pray that you can work things out if you feel that is what you want.

Ruling

A woman can visit her parents as often as she wants, not being restricted to once a week, but she must go with her husband’s permission. A husband is expected to treat his wife with mercy and kindness, and offer her the same freedom that he would like his daughter to have when visiting him.

Please see this link for more details:
Can a Man Prevent His Wife From Visiting Her Parents?

Staying Together

Forgive me, but if you have only lived with him for half the time that you have been married, your marriage is not doing well. You don’t need to leave him for that much time, and this is why resentment is building up inside him. Not being together also prevents a couple from bonding, from facing life together, and from coming up with ways to cope and learn about one another.

Work It Out

My advice for you is to try and work it out and become this kind of wife: “It was said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best?’ He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]

Please use all of these resources and see if you can refresh your communication and understanding of each other, in sha Allah, you will find that if you change yourself, he will respond with change as well:

Course Suggestions:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
How Do I Deal With a Controlling Husband Who Seldom Lets Me Leave the House?
Is a Man Permitted To Keep His Wife Cooped Up at Home?
Is It True That a Man Can Prevent His Wife From Leaving the House for No Reason?
How Do I Deal With an Unhappy Marriage?
Am I Destined to Suffer in an Unhappy Marriage?
Should She Stay In an Abusive Marriage?
Should I Stay Married Even Though I Hate My Husband Because of His Bad Character and Irreligiousness?

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.