intimacy

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Asslamu Alaykum

I have been married for 10 years and have three children. I have suffered verbal abuse throughout the marriage and some physical abuse during the early years. My children witnessed many incidents. I have tried my best but I am unhappy. Although his behaviour has improved, I struggle to forget the past and feel bitter within. I despise all forms of physical contact. Every time I leave or try to leave I return for one reason or another, for example, financial, stability, kids, etc. Even when I applied for divorce, my certificate was issued and then revoked. Is it Allah’s Will that I remain like this? How do I figure out?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Trauma

Narrated `Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her): Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn.” [Bukhari]

Dear sister, it sounds like you have accumulated a huge amount of trauma over your marriage. Your pain needs to be released in a healthy way, or you will continue to suffer. Your children also need healing, after what they have witnessed.

I recommend seeking out a compassionate holistic therapist such as Hafsa Hasan. Book in a consultation with someone like her. Another option is Aafiyah Healing.

Please know that you are human, and you have your limits. Be gentle on yourself. You and your children have gone through so much pain.

Destiny

Hudhaifa b. Usaid reported directly from Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) that he said:

“When the drop of (semen) remains in the womb for forty or fifty (days) or forty nights, the angel comes and says: My Lord, will he be good or evil? And both these things would be written. Then the angel says: My Lord, would he be male or female? And both these things are written. And his deeds and actions, his death, his livelihood; these are also recorded. Then his document of destiny is rolled and there is no addition to nor subtraction from it.” [Sahih Muslim]

Allah Most High has a plan for all of us, yes. He already knows how our lives will unfold. That being said, please do not feel helpless. Your duas make a difference.

I recommend that you continue to perform the Prayer of Guidance until you get the clarity that you need. Allow Allah to facilitate whatever is best for you, while exerting every effort to improve your life. Whatever Allah facilitates is easier for you is a positive answer to your isitkhara. Whatever Allah makes difficult is a negative answer to your istikhara.

Marriage

Do you believe that your husband has made his repentance? You describe that his behaviour has improved, but what does that mean? Has he stopped hitting you, but still verbally abuses you? Or has he stopped abusing you?

If you wish to stay in your marriage, then you and your husband must attend culturally-sensitive counselling. He must learn how to control his temper, and both of you would benefit from learning how to deal better with conflict.

V is for Violence

Divorce

Why was your divorce certificate revoked by the Shari’ah council? Is it possible for you to apply again? Could http://seekershub.org/ans-blog/2018/01/12/can-husband-forgo-payment-khula-agreement-shafii/ be an option for you? I am concerned that he could still harm you.

Moving forward

I strongly recommend consulting with a Muslimah life coach, and/or a culturally-sensitive counsellor. Work with someone who can help empower you, remind you of your values, and better design your life. For as long as you are alive, you have choices.

Finances

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be financially reliant upon a husband who has abused you. This would understandably make you reluctant to separate from him.

Is there anything you can do to become more financially independent? Again, please brainstorm solutions with a life coach or counsellor. The transition will be difficult at first, but I pray that the long-term benefit of financial independence and peace of mind will make it worthwhile. Please see Bringing Barakah Into Your Wealth and Life.

May Allah grant you ease in this difficult time. Please keep in touch.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
My Husband Is So Controlling. What Do I Do?
My Husband Married Me for My Visa and Abuses Me. What Do I Do?

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

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