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What Should I Do After Raising My Voice Against My Parents?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: As salam alaikum

If one raises their voice in the heat of the moment against their parents or other elders, are they required to seek forgiveness directly from the individual? What if one was making a valid point but by seeking forgiveness, their point is diminished or even dismissed?

Answer:Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

Generally, if you hurt another person in some way, it is proper that you ask to be excused for your mistake. This applies more seriously with respect to parents because of the duty to do good to them. Hypothetically, if voices need to be raised to make a point, you should consider (a) the actual need in making the point, (b) the soundness of it, and (c) if it can be made in a more reasonable and positive way. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Verily Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness in all matters.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Consider taking the following free class: The Rights of Parents

And please also see: How Can I Be a Dutiful Son While Maintaining Independence from Controlling Parents? and: When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How? and: A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)

And Allah Most High alone knows best.

wassalam,
[Ustadh] Tabraze Azam

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Tabraze Azam was born and raised in Ipswich, England, a quiet town close to the east coast of England. His journey for seeking sacred knowledge began when he privately memorized the entire Qur’an in his hometown at the age of 16. He also had his first experience in leading the tarawih (nightly-Ramadan) prayers at his local mosque. Year after year he would continue this unique return to reciting the entire Quran in one blessed month both in his homeland, the UK, and also in the blessed lands of Shaam, where he now lives, studies and teaches.

Do I have to Obey my Parents if they Order me To Leave Sunnah Acts?

Answered by Ustadh Shuaib Ally

Question: Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

Since the beard is sunnah and not wajib in the Shafi’i madhhab, I was wondering what the ruling was for following/performing sunnah acts when parents forbid it without a good reason?

Answer: Assalaamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah,

Dealing Righteously with Parents

Dealing well with one’s parents is an Islamic principle; dealing poorly with them, sinful. The Qur’an says: Worship Allah; do not join anything with Him, and be good to your parents (4:36); and: Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say no word that shows impatience with them, and do not be harsh with them, but speak to them respectfully. Lower to them the wings of humility towards them in kindness and say, ‘Lord, have mercy on them, just as they cared for me when I was little’ (17:23-4).

The Prophet (peace be upon him), in a Hadith narrated by Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), also described the major sins as associating others in worship with Allah, and dealing poorly with one’s parents (Bukhari).

General Principle of Obedience

The general principle is to obey one’s parents in matters that do not entail disobedience to Allah or His Messenger: ‘If they strive to make you associate with Me anything about which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep their company in this life according to what is right…’ (31:15).

There are, however, other situations in which it is permissible to disregard parental orders:

Recommended Acts

It is better to not leave off recommended acts if your parents order you to do so – such as keeping the beard in the Shafi’i school, or other sunnah acts. That being said, this should be done while maintaining mutual love and kindness.

Permissible Acts

It is better to obey one’s parents if they order you to do, or leave off, something that is permissible. It is, however, not considered sinful disobedience to disobey or disregard a parental order or prohibition regarding something that

– Does not harm or does not entail negative consequences for the child, or;
– Falls under the general rubric of advice or preference, or;
– Is generally considered silly or unreasonable, or;
– Doesn’t have a very good reason behind it
– Disobeying it would not be considered to constitute undue hardship for them

An example of an order that does not have to followed in a permissible matter is a parental order to divorce one’s wife. An example of a prohibition that does not have to be followed is preventing one from traveling for the sake of knowledge.

Additional Guidelines

The above constitute general guidelines. Disregarding parental advice, if one must, should be done in a manner that is respectful, maintains ties, and seeks to please. It is not permissible in a manner that is harsh, disrespectful, or abusive.

Furthermore, interpersonal relations are highly dependant on time, circumstance and custom. Different scenarios will necessarily demand varying courses of action, which can only be determined by knowing these circumstances, as well as a healthy dose of common sense.

Source: Al-Zawajir

Shuaib Ally

Dealing With Difficult Parents and Keeping Promises

Answered by Saira AbuBakr

Question: Assalamu alaikum

I find it hard to keep some of my promises and I live with a father who is sometimes cruel. I’m trying to find a way to stay on the right path, but it is hard.  Could you please advise me?

Answer: Walaikum salaam wa RahmatuAllah,

May Allah ease your situation for you and give you well-being in this World and the Next.

Dealing With Your Father

Know that prophets have been tested with difficult families and it is a sign of righteousness and expiation of sins, to be tested with those closest to us, especially parents. Make dua that Allah grants your father righteousness and facilitates ease for you in your patience with him.

Maintaining a Promise

Most of us, at some point or another in our lives, have broken promises, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

If one was sincere at the time of making the promise but was unable to fulfill it due to unforeseen circumstances, then one is not sinful in the matter. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) is reported to have said,

“Actions are by intentions and each person has what he/she intended….” [Imam AlBukhari and Muslim]

If one feels one has intentionally not kept a promise then the sunnah is to follow-up a wrong action with a good one. The former is erased by the latter.

The Prophet (Allah blesse him and give him peace) is reported to have said,

“….follow-up a wrong action with a good one, it will (the good action) erase it (the bad action). [Imam alTirmidhi]

Also,

” All Children of Adam are sinners and the best of sinners are those who repent often”. [Narrated by Imam al-Tirmidhi, Ahmad and others].

And Allah knows best.

Saira

Related Answers:

Ridding Oneself of Depression and Suicidal Thoughts

Dealing With Depression Caused by Unemployment and Loneliness

Breaking Promises and Repentance

Does the Qur’an Mention OCD or Waswasa (Baseless Misgivings) Being Caused by Jinn?

Advice to a Young Man with OCD and Struggling with Pornography and Other Major Sins

Should I Let My Daughter Spend Time With Her Non-Muslim Father?

Answered by Dr. Bano Murtaja

Question: I am a woman who embraced Islam when my daughter was 4 yrs old. She is now 14yrs old and wants attention from her non-Muslim father. She lacks understanding of being a Muslim but accepts our decision and devotion for Islam. Should I allow her to spend time more time with him? I fear that she will be exposed to situations without the proper guidance.

 

Answer: As salam alykum wa rahmatullahi,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and states.

We are guided to be good to our parents, regardless of their faith. With this in mind, it is important your daughter is able to maintain a strong and healthy bond with her father.

Given that your daughter’s father accepts the faith of you and your daughter, you could speak with him about the parameters that he should maintain around her. InshaAllah a joint approach to parenting will also provide a more stable environment for your daughter also.

Given that your daughter is now 14 you may also consider discussing the appropriate parameters with her. Presumably her upbringing in the US will already have given her a good understanding of how to navigate parameters between her Islamic faith and spending time with those who have a different belief.

One of the SeekersGuidance family, Br. Anik Misra is a convert, and shares some of the things he has learned about dealing with non-Muslim parents here, that may help your daughter.

A Convert Dealing With Non-Muslim Parents

May Allah grant you ease and facilitate the best for you, your daughter and her father.

Ma’salam
Bano