My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind
Question: My mom has an illogical and weird approach toward things, and often uses bad abusive language with me. I’m trying my best to hold on with her but I don’t know how long I can. I’m having mental breakdowns, now. It would be great if you could quote any dua about this matter.
Answer: Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your honest question. I understand that you are suffering from your mother’s mistreatment towards you. Her behaviour is causing you harm and it isn’t permissible for her to abuse you, call you names or react badly to you. That being said, everyone will be responsible in the hereafter only for how they behaved, and not how their mother behaved.
Allah says, “No burdened soul will bear the burden of another: even if a heavily laden soul should cry for help, none of its load will be carried, not even by a close relative. But you [Prophet] can only warn those who fear their Lord, though they cannot see Him, and keep up the prayer- whoever purifies himself does so for his own benefit–– everything returns to God.“ [Qur`an, 35:18]
Talk to your mother with a renewed intention
I urge you to talk to your mother first and apologize for any mistreatment of her from the past. Tell her that you want to turn over a new leaf, and start your relationship with her anew. Tell her that you will be patient and ask her to do the same. Tell your mother that it hurts your confidence when she calls you names and tell her that you will never force her to do anything in Islam that she doesn’t want to. Try to help her with cooking, cleaning, and errands and make her feel that you are involved. Make her a drink, take her out.
Realize her rank in Islam
Allah, Most High, says, “We have enjoined on man, kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth“. [Qur`an, 46:15].
And He, Most High, says, “Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood’ “[Qur`an, 17:23-24].
Paradise is beneath your mother’s feet. Mu’awiyah ibn Jahima reported: Jahima came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, and he said, “O Messenger of Allah, I intend to join the expedition and I seek your advice.” The Prophet said, “Do you have a mother?” He said yes. The Prophet said, “Stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.” [Al-Nasa’i]
Although it may be difficult, try to recall her rank at all times and know that Allah is watching and is pleased with you for dealing with her. You may only come to fully realize the status of a mother when you have children of your own. It’s a real eye-opener.
It is dangerous and unhealthy to be abused, especially if you are abused to the point of having breakdowns. Please see a therapist that can help you cope when issues arise and teach you conflict resolution. A therapist can also teach you how to respectfully disengage your mother when things get difficult.
If things don’t improve much with your mother, keep yourself busy with good activities. Pray on time, take a course for personal obligatory knowledge, on respecting the rights of parents, and many other courses that are available on Seekers. Do not hesitate to follow your Islam correctly, she will eventually get used to it. Exercise, get fresh air, travel, develop a skill set that can help you earn a living, or get a healthy and beneficial hobby, maybe pay one of the household bills. May Allah give you all the best and make you and your mother the best of friends. Please see the following link for more excellent information.
How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
I also recommend these du`as from the Qur`an.
“My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good thing You may send me.“ [28:24]
“Moses said, ‘My Lord, forgive me and my brother; accept us into Your mercy: You are the Most Merciful of all who show mercy.“ [7:151]
“Our Lord, give us good in this world and in the Hereafter, and protect us from the torment of the Fire.“ [2:201]
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.