Posts

How Do I Deal With Having an Unfaithful Father?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My father has had a string of extra-marital affairs, and does not know that I know. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Support

Dear sister, you are in a very difficult situation. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Please reach out to a culturally-sensitive counsellor, therapist or psychologist. You need a safe and confidential place to process your strong feelings.

Ask your counsellor what the best approach is with your family, who seem to know the truth about his affairs. If it is beneficial for all of you to speak frankly about it so you can heal together as a family, then consider doing that. If you feel that coming clean about your father’s sins is going to cause more harm, then please refrain. If you are unsure about what to do, then please perform the Prayer of Guidance and watch how events unfold.

Prayer

I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, and beg Allah for relief. Commit to regular Qur’an recitation, connect yourself to authentic scholarship, give in regular charity, and have good company. Listen to podcasts like The Rawha, Why Islam Is True, This is Your Faith to inspire you.

Marriage

When it’s time for you to get married, then I encourage you and your prospective husband to seek pre-marital counselling. Also, please enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Family

“And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.” [Qur’an, 35:18]

You are not responsible for fixing this situation. Your father is an adult, and he will be called to account by Allah for what he did.

Your responsibility is to uphold good character, continue to treat your father with respect, and to be kind to the rest of your family. As heartbreaking as this situation is, please don’t let your father’s sins drive you to despair. You cannot control what he does, but you can make better choices for your own life.

Decision

If you feel that it is beneficial, then consider speaking frankly to your father. Tell him that you know, and that you are deeply worried for him.

If you fear that speaking to him about this will cause more harm than benefit, then refrain. If you are unsure about what to do, then please perform the Prayer of Guidance and watch how events unfold.

I pray that Allah eases your family’s pain, guides your father, and places serenity in your heart.

Please see:

What Should I Do When I Suspect My Parent Is Being Unfaithful?
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Wassalam.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

How Can I End an Extra-Marital Affair?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question:I got married in 200*. I thought I found the right guy. After a year or two, our love diminished. No sex, no communication, and no care.

In 200*, I met a Muslim guy at work and began dating him. I found all the qualities I was looking for in him. I am trying to get out from this relationship but he will persist to have me back again. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah make this tremendous trial easier on you. I am so sorry that you were abandoned by your first husband, and that your current marriage is not a refuge for you. The solution is not to seek intimacy outside of marriage, but to always, always work within the boundaries of the Shariah. Allah places restrictions on creation out of love for us. Everything in the Shariah is designed to preserve life, lineage, religion, wealth and dignity. By being in this illicit relationship, you are harming yourself and him.

Consequences

You are doing the right thing by deciding to end this affair. For as long as he is in your life, you are in a state of major sin. No man is worth the displeasure of Allah Most High.

“And do not even go close to Zina! Truly, it is a gross obscenity and an evil path (to go down).” [Quran, 17:32]

To help strengthen your resolve to end this affair, sit down and reflect about the consequences of your actions. Think of your son. Parents cannot teach their children what they do not have. Be a better example for him. How would you feel if your son found out about your affair?

What would you do if you fell pregnant with this man’s child? There is no quick-fix abortion solution for mistakes such as this. Please preserve what is left of your dignity, and walk away while you still can.

Accountability

The man you are having an affair with is an adult and is accountable for his own actions. Allah will ask him on The Day of Judgement about the error of his ways. You are not responsible for his happiness or his actions. You are responsible for your own well-being, and your own actions. For as long as you allow him to, this man may continue to try to emotionally manipulate you into staying with him.

Well-meaning women are often trapped in cycles of destructive, secret relationships because of low self-worth. You were created to know Allah, to attain closeness to Him, and to return to Him in a state of goodness. Right now, your heart is consumed by this tribulation. Free your heart of this, and return to your Most Merciful Lord.

I pray that Allah grants you the strength to sever ties with this man. Even if it means moving to a different state, country, please do so. Your well-being in this dunya and akhirah is worth more than whatever this man can offer you.

Practical steps

1) Start with sincere repentance, and balance hope in Allah’s Mercy with fear of His Wrath
2) Cut ties with this man, but do not meet him in person lest your conviction waver.
3) Change your number and block his.
4) If he does not respect your decision, consider placing a restraining order to prevent him from coming near you again.
5) Consider moving cities, or even countries if necessary.
6) Seek individual counselling to help you recover from this affair.
7) Attend marriage counselling with your husband to salvage your relationship.
8) Reconnect with Allah through regular acts of worship, especially tahajjud
9) Go on umrah, or Hajj, and beg Allah for forgiveness and a clean slate

In the end, if your marriage is beyond repair, it is better for you to be divorced than to carry on like this. Remember that no matter how terrible you feel right now, all emotion is temporary. Make the right choices now and endure short-term heartache. After this pain, lies the pleasure of Allah, inshaAllah.

Please refer to the following link:

Committing adultery in an unhappy marriage
What is Sincere Repentance?

Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani