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Should I Trust My Fiancé Who Has Drunk Alcohol?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

My fiancé drunk alcohol for the first time in his life due to some major problems. Next day he messages me telling me about this mistake and promised me that he will never do this again. Should I beleive him and still marry him?

Answer: Assalam alaykum. Thank you for writing in. May Allah grant you every good.

Marriage is a major step in life and choosing a spouse with the right qualities is essential to not only a harmonious relationship between husband and wife, but also in raising a pious family.

Qualities in a spouse

The Prophet ﷺ advised us that, ‘A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious.’ [Al Bukhari, Muslim]

The above hadith applies also the attributes to be sought in men. The first thing that both men and women should look for in a prospective spouse is piety and good character, the rest is all a bonus. A pious spouse will guide and inspire the family to good, and will be more likely to treat the family with respect and kindness through times of ease and hardship.

Looking for a spouse

One should take their time when choosing a spouse and enquire as much as possible into their character, religious outlook and practice, the company they keep, occupation, their likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc. One should also ask about the family and the upbringing of the children.

One should also involve and take advice from one’s own parents, and seek counsel from local scholars and others if appropriate, until one’s heart is at rest and a confident decision can be made.

Considerations

If something seems a bit amiss with a potential spouse, then it’s highly likely there is an issue there. While it is very commendable that the person in question regrets his actions, it is still a cause of concern that he turned to alcohol during his difficulties. We all make mistakes, and none of us are infallible, however, since the matter is one of marriage, when we get major warning signs, we have to proceed with cautiousness.

It is not really possible to know if this is the first time that her has drunk, or whether it is an ongoing issue, and indeed if there are other issues he has not shared with you, or how recent behaviour compare with the rest of his religious practice.

Therefore, I would sincerely advise you to make enquiries and seek advice from your parents and others. Be honest with yourself, and put aside any of your emotions and concern for his feelings. It is your religion and happiness that needs to be considered at this point.

If you have doubts and concerns in your heart, even if slight, then I would say it is safer not to marry then to proceed with doubt. And Allah knows best.

I wish you all the very best and that Allah grant you to a marriage with is full of blessings.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

My Fiance’s Mother Has Changed Her Mind. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

My fiance’s mother has changed her mind at the last minute, and no longer wants him to marry me because I am “not family”. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Culture

Certain cultures place a strong emphasis on marrying within family, especially upon migrating to the West. Even though the parents may think this way, often their children do not. This is a very common and painful generational conflict which plays out in the arena of marriage, over and over again.

In short, your future husband’s mother does not have a valid reason for disagreeing with his choice of spouse. It sounds like she is upset at the thought of losing her son, which is a common fear faced by a future mother-in-law.

Solutions

For the sake of your future marital happiness, I strongly encourage you and your future husband to do your utmost in winning over his mother. Make copious dua in the last third of the night. Perform the Prayer of Need. Treat her with impeccable adab. Send her gifts. Speak to elders who can advocate for you. Be infinitely patient with her. She is, after all, the mother of the man you wish to marry.

Education

I encourage you both to complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Learn about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage, and how to manage conflict like the one you are facing.

Balance

It was narrated from Ibn Abbas that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

If you have exhausted all avenues and your future husband’s mother is still unhappy, then it is permissible for you to get married without the consent of his parents. However, please prepare yourselves.

Expect the fallout that comes with him marrying against his parents’ wishes. You and your husband must be strong, and brave. He must continue to maintain ties with them, even if they threaten to cut ties, and so on. It is important for you to also treat them with compassion and respect. If they treat you poorly, then excuse yourself, and limit interaction with them. Make dua for them.

Even in worst case scenarios, the birth of a grandchild often smoothes things over.

I pray that Allah blesses your marriage and softens the heart of your future mother-in-law.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

A comprehensive collection of resources that offer clear and practical guidance on successful marriages. Based on the Qur’an, Prophetic teachings and scholarly wisdom, find out how we can all have marriages that fulfill the worldly and spiritual potential of what the Prophet ﷺ referred to as “half the religion.”

And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect. Qur’an [30:21]

Intention, Priority and Purpose

Overcoming Difficulties Before Marriage

Parents and Guardians

Overcoming Differences And A Troubled Past

Converts

Keeping it in the Family

Getting Married The Right Way

Staying Married

Related courses

Marriage in Islam video playlist, with Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, Habib Hussein as-Saqqaf, Ustadha Shireen Ahmed, Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes, Habib Umar bin Hafidh and many others.

If I have Sexual Thoughts About My Fiance’s Mother, Can We Still Get Married?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz A. Khan

Question: I masturbated while seeing a picture of a non-mahram family member (by marriage). I have changed completely since then. I am in love with her daughter and I’m going to marry her soon insha’Allah. I am crying badly at the thought of it not being allowed. So please keep in mind that I didn’t physically touch her,  I just masturbated to a picture of her while she wasn’t my mother in law yet. Is my marriage with her daughter valid?

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and states.

The Ruling in Question

What you did would not affect the marriage to her daughter: it is permissible for you to marry her.

Having said that, you must make tawba for that act: ask Allah’s forgiveness with sincere remorse, cease doing it (if you still do), and resolve never to do it again. Masturbation is sinful, and results in many problems, both worldly and spiritual.

An Important Consideration

Moreover, I would strongly advise you to make sure you have no sexual feelings towards the girl’s mother, as that can seriously affect your marriage — practically in terms of the relationship with your wife, and legally in the sense that according to the Hanafi school, a marriage is permanently dissolved by any one of the following acts between the husband and his wife’s mother: skin-to-skin contact with arousal from either side; either side looking at the other’s private parts with arousal; or actual intercourse.

[Nahlawi, Durar Mubaha]

This ruling is based on the statement of Allah Most High, “And marry not whom your fathers have married.” [4:22]

The word “marry” used in this verse is ‘nikah’, which in Arabic literally means to have intercourse. Furthermore, looking at private parts with arousal, touching with arousal, or kissing is normally a precursor to intercourse, and so they take its place in this ruling out of precaution (ihtiyat).

The ruling is also confirmed by some hadiths and statements of the salaf, of varying strengths of narration. It was also the position of many eminent companions, such as Umar, Ubayy ibn Ka`b, Aisha, and Ibn Masud; as well as the majority of the subsequent generation of followers (tabi`in). [Zayla`i, Tabyin al-Haqa’iq; Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i]

And Allah knows best.

wassalam
Faraz

Related Answer:

A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)