Posts

Is It Permissible To Be Alone With the Children’s Nanny?

Question:
Is it permissible to be alone with the children’s nanny?
Answer:
Dear questioner,
Thank you for your important question.
May Allah, Most High reward you for your desire to increase in knowledge.
A man should never be in seclusion with a strange woman, and a woman should never be alone with a strange man.
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.” [Tirmidhi, al-Sunan]
“No man should be alone with a woman except when there is a Mahram with her.” [Muslim, al-Sahih]
The legal ruling of seclusion is lifted when there is a family member of the woman present, another man is present, or there is a barrier between them. The presence of children does not lift the ruling of seclusion.
It is permissible for you to be in the same house with the nanny as long as you are in different rooms.
[Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]
When there is a need to speak to the nanny, you should do so by phone or while you are in different rooms. Let the nanny know of your preferences so that it becomes an easy process for both of you.
Outwardly, this may seem like something quite difficult and overbearing. However, Islam seeks to prevent all possible harm before it can occur.
Having someone other than the parents look after the children is a big step. Please see:
And Allah alone knows best,
[Ustadh] Omar Popal
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

How Do I Distance Myself From Someone Who Has Fallen in Love With Me?

Question:

How do I distance myself from someone who has feelings for me?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Your feelings are correct, and it was wrong to allow your friendship to go so far. The poor guy probably wants to marry you, and now his heart will be broken.

 

Gender Interaction

Please see the rules of gender interaction here. Following these rules ensures that relationships do not develop unnecessarily and end up in broken hearts. Islam is eager to squash temptation to avoid sin at the very outset, and this applies especially to online friendships and digital communication. Please see the details of the gender interaction rules here:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-are-the-principles-of-gender-interaction-in-islam/

 

Cut Him Off

Cold turkey is the best way to go. The pain that you cause him now will be forgotten with time, but dragging it on will make him suffer more. Tell him that you appreciate the friendship but that you want to restrict yourself to only female friends. He will most likely respect you for that and then propose, so you should tell him clearly that you are not interested.

 

Istikhara

However, pray istikhara before rejecting him. It may be that this man is the best for you, and you do not know it. Does he fulfill all the requirements? Does he pray and have a good job? Not being emotionally attached is a tremendous advantage, and you should consider the possibility. Oftentimes people do not know what is right for them until another points it out! May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

What Is the Ruling On Complimenting the Beauty Of a Potential Spouse?

Question: What is the ruling on complimenting the beauty of a potential spouse?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate,

The general ruling with regards to interacting/speaking with the opposite gender is that the interaction must be done  (a) when there is need or likely benefit and (b) to the extent of the need and in a formal manner.

Due to the above principle, speaking to a potential spouse is indeed a need with likely benefit. However, the interaction must not become too informal or lighthearted that could lead to the stirring-up of desires and flirting.

Thus, if the above guidelines are not upheld, such interaction may be considered a precursor to fornication. All precursors to fornication are prohibited by the explicit verse of the Qur’an. [Ibn ‘Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]

Allah Most High says, “Do not go near adultery. It is truly a shameful deed and an evil way.” [Qur’an; 17:32]

Here Allah Most High not only prohibits adultery itself but He prohibits going near adultery. From this, the scholars have extended the prohibition to anything that could potentially lead to adultery/fornication. [Abu Sa’ud, Tafsir Irshad al-‘Aql al-Salim]

 

Formal Does Not Mean Harsh

Though the discussion between potential spouses should be kept to formal discourse with regards to the style and topics of discussion, it is permissible to speak in a manner that customarily constitutes good etiquette and comportment.

Thus, certain niceties will be allowed if such niceties are not customarily considered flirting. If however, such statements are customarily used flirtatiously, one must refrain from doing so.

I hope this helps,
Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he then completed four years at the Darul Uloom seminary in New York where he studied Arabic and the traditional sciences. He then traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he stayed for three years studying in Dar Al-Mustafa under some of the greatest scholars of our time, including Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Kadhim al-Saqqaf, and Shaykh Umar al-Khatib. In Tarim, Shaykh Yusuf completed the memorization of the Qur’an and studied beliefs, legal methodology, hadith methodology, Qur’anic exegesis, Islamic history, and a number of texts on spirituality. He joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.

Is It Haram To See a Woman’s Face?

Question:  Assalamu ‘alaykum. I have heard that it is haram to look at the faces of women. If so, how can I find a wife? What about if I am not wanting to marry someone, but I see her face?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

 

Looking At Potential Spouses Is Permissible

No, it is not haram to look at the face of someone you are considering for marriage. In fact, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) advised Mughira b. Shu’ba to look at a prospective spouse saying, “It is more likely that there will be an intimate connection between you two.” [Tirmidhi]

 

Looking At Non-Potentials

As for ladies, one is not intending to marry, such as someone you see on the bus or at the supermarket checkout, merely seeing them is not a sin. A repeated lustful gaze is sinful. As for seeing someone in your field of view or someone you have to interact with, such as a colleague, it is not sinful.

If one fears that there could be some attraction then modest, dignified behavior is needed. One should lower the gaze as much as possible in a dignified way.

Look at how religious, righteous people interact with the opposite gender and base your interaction on that.

 

Please see:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-are-the-principles-of-gender-interaction-in-islam/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/istikhara-prayer-for-marriage/

 

May Allah facilitate all matters for you.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

How Can I Avoid Falling In Love?

Question: I am a growing child, and I have never fallen in love with anybody, but as I am growing, teenage thoughts and desires keep coming into my head. I read ”Astaghfar” and continue to resist, but the thoughts and the desires are too strong. I have fallen in love with a Christian boy and I don’t know how to escape love, I have told myself not to fall in love but the feelings are always growing deeper.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,Thank you for your question. What you are feeling is very normal and natural. Allah created man and woman to have temptation toward each other, but He put limits on it so that it results in beautiful matrimony that grows with love, piety, and children.

 

Gender Interaction

Do not blame yourself for these thoughts, they are not your fault. But, now that you have recognized them, I want you to work hard to ignore them and say “A’udhu biLlahi min ash-Shaytan ir-rajeem“ when they arise. It is the job of the Devil to take the little flicker of emotion that you have, and pour gas on it so that you gaze, touch, talk, hang out, and eventually fall into sin.  Please see the rules of gender interaction here:

 

Reality

Because you mention that the boy is Christian, you know that you could never marry him, as this is not valid or halal. Please turn to Allah with dhikr and du’a every time that thought arises and the Devil will tire of you because his inciting you to evil only ends up in remembrance of Allah. The best thing for you is to get your mind off of him as quickly as possible. Ask Allah to help you.

 

Focus

At your young age, instead focus on learning your religion here at Seekers with free courses on obligatory fiqh, seerah, Arabic, and the halal and the haram. Focus on school, and focus on learning useful and beneficial hobbies, sports, or activities that can whip your body and mind into good shape. Anytime, you feel stressed or desires creep up, you have something permissible to turn to.

I also encourage you to spend time with good, positive religious sisters. They can point you in the right direction, remind you of the right things, and be there for you as friends that take your mind off of men. Also diminish your time on the screen, for this always has a way of conjuring up desires in young people. May Allah give you every good and reward you for your sincerity in this world and the next.

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Are Acts Such As Kissing and Touching  Someone Considered Zina?

Question: Assalamu ‘alaykum. Are fondling, kissing on the lips, and other similar acts with a  non-mahram an act of zina which is lesser than penetrative sex? If so, what is the proof? 

Answer: 

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatulllah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Yes, zina is of two types: literal and metaphorical. This is how Imam Nawawi explained it regarding the following hadith:

“The son of Adam has his share of zina decreed for him – it certainly reaches him. The zina of the eyes is looking; the zina of the ears is listening; the tongue’s zina is speech; the hand’s zina is touch; the foot’s zina is walking [towards where it will be done.] The heart loves and yearns. The privates make it happen or not. [Muslim] [Nawawi, Sharh Sahih Muslim]

Penetrative sex is considered to be the literal zina, and it is an enormity (kabira). The other forms are not the same, but repeatedly committing them becomes an enormity.

We ask Allah to protect us from all forms of this sin which is harmful to individuals, families, and societies. One narration from the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) states, “It is better for the head of the one you to be stabbed with an iron pin than for him to touch a lady who is not permissible for him.” (Tabarani, al-Mu’jam al-Kabir)

Imam Munawi commented on this saying, “This is just for a touch that happens without desire, so how about what is worse, such as kissing or lying with each other unclothed?” (Munawi, Fayd al-Qadir)

May Allah protect us from what displeases Him. Amin.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

What Constitutes Seclusion With the Opposite Gender?

Question: What constitutes seclusion with the opposite gender? Are there exceptions to this rule if it is for work?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate,

 

What is Considered Seclusion?

Seclusion with the opposite gender is prohibitively disliked. Seclusion occurs when an unmarriageable man and woman are alone in a secluded private place such that a third-party is not expected to enter or cannot enter. [Ala’ al-Din Abidin, al-Hadiyya al-‘Ala’iyya]

 

The Prophetic Guidance

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Let not any man be secluded with a woman for Shaytan is the third of them.” [Tirmidhi, Ahmad]

Commentators of this narration have said, “Shaytan is the third of them” means that he is with them, stirring up each’s desires, casting love for the other in each’s heart till eventually leading them to fornication.” [al-Zidani, al-Mafatih Sharh al-Masabih]

 

Real Estate Agent and Seclusion

It is prohibitively disliked for your husband to be alone in a house with another marriageable woman if there is no possibility or likelihood of a third party entering unannounced. [Ibid.]

 

Advice

If there is any way that your husband can bring a third party along when showing houses to an individual woman, he must do so. Furthermore, if he can let the individual woman enter the home and explore on her own while he remains near to open entrance or outside, this is not seclusion.

The fact that the seclusion occurs due to work does not affect the ruling at hand.

I hope this helps,
Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

How Do I Deal With My Sister-In-Law As We Live In the Same House?

Question: How do Interact with my sister in law? I live in the same house as my parents, and sometimes I am required to pick up my sister-in-law, who is a doctor, from her workplace when it gets late, as my brother lives in another country for his work. How do I manage this?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. It is true that you are in a tough spot. The best thing for you is to help your sister-in-law when it is necessary, as in the case that you mentioned, but maintain Islamic gender interaction all the time.

 

Gender Interaction

You will find the rules in the links below, do your best to follow them, and ask Allah to help you. The most important aspects are lowering your gaze, never being alone with her, never touching her, and never approaching her private quarters. The conversation should always be respectful but limited and cordial, even sitting together alone in the family room should only be limited to a few minutes.

Please see:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-are-the-principles-of-gender-interaction-in-islam/

May Allah reward you for your sincerity and help you achieve this delicate balance.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Do I Handle My Feelings For My Wife’s Sister?

Question: My wife’s sister and I have developed feelings for each other, and we have been living this secrecy for 3 years. This is affecting my marriage as my wife has suspected this, but we have denied it. I need to do right by both women as I feel my love for my wife has been affected. I do not want to take steps to divorce and then marry her sister because there would be sin for us both.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I will attempt to clarify this for you, honestly and boldly.

 

Cut Her Off

You have absolutely no choice but to cut her sister off. You must not speak to her, you must eliminate all contact, and you must be a man. You must not get her hopes up, you must not pretend that you can make her sister happy. You must run away as though your house is on fire. There is no other way. I want to remind you that there is no way to marry her either because it is prohibited to be married to two sisters at once.

 

Respect Your Wife

Give your wife some respect and love. Bond with her. If your love for her has been compromised, you are mostly to blame, and I suggest that you start taking action to become close to her, communicate better, and spend more quality time together. Never tell her about your illicit feelings as this would be heartbreaking and foolish.

Please consider the effect that your behavior will have on your children. You would be a role model of cowardliness, selfishness, foolishness, and you would teach them to follow their whims instead of being loyal, faithful, and honest. Consider how you would feel if your son-in-law did this to your daughter? Would you support your son-in-law’s newfound love for your other daughter? Or would you chase him out of the house with his tail between legs?

 

Gender Interaction

Allah put the rules of gender interaction into this world for this very reason. The in-laws were specifically mentioned in hadith and this is exactly the pit that you have fallen into. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Beware of entering upon the ladies.“ A man from the Ansar said, ‘Allah’s Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?’ The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, replied ‘The in-laws of the wife are death itself.'” [Bukhari] This hadith also applies to the in-laws of the husband.

Please see the rules of gender interaction and resolve to apply these rules with any non-mahram lady that you ever meet in the future, no matter who she is. Please see the links below:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/a-reader-on-gender-interaction/
https://seekersguidance.org/tag/falling-in-love/

May Allah reward you for looking for direction and for striving to do the right thing.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can a Married Man Have Close Female Friends?

Question: What is classed as adultery, and is it ok for a husband to have close female friends, even if the wife disapproves? How should I deal with this situation?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. This sounds like a very frustrating and annoying experience for the wife, and I pray that you can come to an agreement with your husband.

 

Gender Interaction

Allah has placed rules of gender interaction for a good purpose. A man is never encouraged to become close to a marriageable member of the opposite sex for obvious reasons. This is especially inappropriate for a married man who has a wife waiting to spend his free time with her.

As for family members or colleagues, one should treat them cordially, politely, and keep a respectful distance. Close friendships, beyond the scope of work and family, with the opposite gender, are frowned upon, and exceptions are not made for old school friends or Facebook friends.

Please see the rules of gender interaction in these excellent answers:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/guidelines-for-interacting-with-the-opposite-sex/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-a-young-man-and-women-be-platonic-friends/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-my-husband-having-female-facebook-friends/

 

Communicate

My advice to you is not to nag, get angry, or to give ultimatums because men do not respond well to this kind of behavior. You should openly tell him how you feel in a very brief way and then wait a few days to expand on the conversation. Let him think about and even if he does not agree with you, base your argument on emotion. Do not tell him that it is wrong or haram, but tell him that it hurts you and that is why you want him to stop.

 

Steps

-With any problem in life, ask Allah, Most High, to help you first. Turn to Him wholeheartedly with excellence in your worship, your own repentance, and sincere dua.
-Pray the Prayer of Need and ask Him to change your husband’s heart and make him understand how you feel.
-Bond with your husband when you are able so he enjoys spending time with you and craves it more often.
-If worse comes to worst, and you absolutely cannot change his mind, I suggest that you befriend all of his female friends, so they hear from you both as a couple and communicate with you both. Your voice (or messages) should always be in their ear, too, and they should know that you both come as a package, not just his friendship alone. This will make you feel a little better.
-Generally speaking, my advice is that you not let jealousy get the better of you. Fighting with your husband over jealousy is wrong and you should convey your disapproval without it turning into a fight. In one case, I have seen a woman get angry with her husband for being hit on. It was not his fault!

May Allah reward you for your patience and may He help you in guiding your husband to what is best for his marriage and his worldly and other-worldly affairs.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.