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I Love a Boy Who Is Muslim. What Should I Do?

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Answered by Shaykh Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan

Question: Assalam alaykum, I love a boy who is muslim but I haven’t confessed my love to him. Through my friends he knows that I like him. Should I confess my love to him directly, wait, or should I try to stop loving him. What is the solution for this?

Answer: Wa alaykum al-Salam,

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful,

The Islamic solution for a male or female that has an inclination towards the opposite sex is nikah or marriage. If you are interested in a prospective brother/sister then it would be perfectly fine to present a proposal to him/her.

In the case of a female, she may appoint another to speak to the prospective husband and determine whether he shows a similar interest. Thereafter, if he does, he would approach her father or any male representative.

Our mother, Sayyidah Khadijah radiyaLlahu ‘anha, when she developed a desire to marry the Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam, she sent her close friend Nafisah to the Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam who expressed to him her desire of marriage. The Messenger sallaLlahu alayhi wasallam thereafter spoke to his family and they consequently arranged to meet the male representatives of Khadijah’s family and concluded the marriage.

In the case of the male, he would speak to the prospective bride’s male representatives as mentioned above.

These are the Islamic guidelines, whomsoever follows them will find felicity, love and contentment.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam

[Shaykh] Abdurragmaan Khan

Shaykh Abdurragmaan received ijazah ’ammah from various luminaries, including but not restricted to: Habib Umar ibn Hafiz—a personality who affected him greatly and who has changed his relationship with Allah, Maulana Yusuf Karaan—the former Mufti of Cape Town; Habib ‘Ali al-Mashhur—the current Mufti of Tarim; Habib ‘Umar al-Jaylani—the Shafi‘i Mufti of Makkah; Sayyid Ahmad bin Abi Bakr al-Hibshi; Habib Kadhim as-Saqqaf; Shaykh Mahmud Sa’id Mamduh; Maulana Abdul Hafiz al-Makki; Shaykh Ala ad-Din al-Afghani; Maulana Fazlur Rahman al-Azami and Shaykh Yahya al-Gawthani amongst others.

My Parents Want Me to Finish My Studies Before Getting Married. What Do I Do?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I have been engaged to my fiancé for three years but he lives in a different country. My parents are insistent that I need to finish my education and get a job first. They feel my fiancé’s visa needs to be sorted first as being away from each other after marriage would be difficult. I really want to be with my fiancé. What should I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Marriage

This is a difficult situation. On one hand, you feel ready to get married. On the other hand, your parents want you to wait.

It is important for you to handle this with wisdom and sensitivity. Consider this a test of your character.

Even though I do not know you or your parents, would it be safe to say that they are concerned for you and want to protect you from harm.

A woman has more at stake to lose when a marriage goes sour. Your education is incredibly important, and so is your ability to earn your own money. Marriage, especially when overseas, can be a complex and challenging situation.

I encourage you to read ‘ Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples‘
and listen to ‘ Getting Married with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani‘

Parents

I encourage you to do this course to better understand the rank of your parents: Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents

It may be difficult for you to understand their perspective, and this is a test for most children. Perform the How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)? for both Allah to soften all of your hear and for Him to grant you greater understanding of each other

Is there any way for you to work together with your parents to solve this together, as a team?

Mediation

Is there an elder in your community or your family who can help to speak to your parents on your behalf? Elders often respond better when they are given counsel by other elders.

Prayer of Guidance

Please perform the Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance as many times as you need to for clarity. Watch what Allah unfolds for you, and what He makes easier.

For example, a clear sign that marriage is good for you is your parents changing their minds. A clear sign that marriage is not good for you is continual hardship in your path to getting married.

Support

Who do you have for support? Do you have close friends and family members who can support you?

Is there a culturally-sensitive counsellor you can speak to? I urge you to wake up in the last third of the night and perform tahajjud. May Allah give you both patience, wisdom, and a way out of your tribulation.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Should I Reveal to My Future Spouse the Fact That I Have Donated One of My Organs?

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Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: My son has donated one of his kidneys to his mother for her transplantation surgery. Now he is planning to get married. Doctors have told me that one kidney is sufficient for a healthy life and living with one kidney is not a physical deficiency. Should he tell this to the girl or her family?

Answer: assalamu `alaykum

This is not something that you would have to reveal from a strictly religious perspective, since, as you mention, it is not a defect nor something required to make an informed decision on marriage.

With this said, your family would be the best judge as to how withholding such information would be perceived of in the future following the marriage. If it will cause problems, it may be best to inform the other side as spouses value openness. When it comes to these issues, one has to look at what is most conducive to a smooth and happy marriage as opposed to the minimal dictates of religious law.

Salman

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

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A comprehensive collection of resources that offer clear and practical guidance on successful marriages. Based on the Qur’an, Prophetic teachings and scholarly wisdom, find out how we can all have marriages that fulfill the worldly and spiritual potential of what the Prophet ﷺ referred to as “half the religion.”

And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect. Qur’an [30:21]

Intention, Priority and Purpose

Overcoming Difficulties Before Marriage

Parents and Guardians

Overcoming Differences And A Troubled Past

Converts

Keeping it in the Family

Getting Married The Right Way

Staying Married

Related courses

Marriage in Islam video playlist, with Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, Habib Hussein as-Saqqaf, Ustadha Shireen Ahmed, Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes, Habib Umar bin Hafidh and many others.

How Much Should I Reveal When Asked About the Character of a Prospective Spouse?

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Answered by Ustadha Sulma Badrudduja

Question: A family member of mine recently married a women of good character; unfortunately, I feel his character makes him an unsuitable spouse (even though he is a practicing Muslim in an outward sense).  Although it’s after the fact, I still wonder if I should have spoken up instead of turning a blind eye like others in my family.  If your advice is that one should in fact reveal these types of concerns when it comes to marriage, how do we juxtapose this with the idea of keeping a person’s past or their weaknesses a secret.

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

I hope you are doing well inshaAllah. Thank you for your important question.

When one’s advice is sought about the character or religiosity of a prospective spouse, one should be honest. If one is acting as a go-between or messenger in a prospective match, they should inform the inquiring party about the person’s religious concern, character, personality, manners, taqwa, and company. One should know how diligent the person is in their prayers and whether they have any addictions, such as improper internet usage.

These things are necessary to reveal because they are current or ongoing considerations that one must know about in order to make the correct decision in marriage. This differs from past sins or past bad habits, which are necessary to hide. For more on this, see: Pursuing Marriage With Someone Whose Family is Against it Due to an Illicit Relationship In My Past

Sheikh Nuh Keller writes in regards to inquiring about a prospective spouse that, “In Islam, to mention a sin is itself a sin… [This] refers to sins now finished, as opposed to ongoing habitual problems or addictions, which the person asked about must truthfully disclose to a prospective marriage partner, since, like defects in a spouse that permit annulment of marriage, addictions ruin marriages, and partners must know about them in advance to reach an informed decision.” [Sea Without Shore]

Wassalam,
Sulma