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Can I Marry a Girl After Fantasizing About Her Mother?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I once had immoral and bad thoughts about my future mother in law and masturbated to those thoughts. There was no contact between me and my future Mother in Law. Can I still marry her daughter according to Shafi’i fiqh?

Answer: Assalam ‘alaykum. Jazakum Allah for your question.

Having immoral thoughts about your future mother in law is prohibited. However, it does not affect the permissibility of marrying her daughter.

Sincere Counsel

It is important that you first repent from your thoughts and actions, by praying two cycles of prayer with the intention of repentance. Ask Allah to forgive you and to help you overcome these thoughts and prohibited actions. Focus on your marriage and devote your love and desire towards your wife alone.

If you are struggling with addictions, especially if it has been long term, then start now by weaning yourself off bad habits, as they may affect your marital life a great deal.

Please refer to the various answers below, some of which contain very good practical steps and resources to help control urges and overcoming the issues:

Masturbation Archives

Once you have prayed tawba, be positive and strive to stay firm on the road to healing. If you fall on the way, just keep going. With the help of Allah, anything is surmountable.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

I Am Getting to Know a Man for Marriage, but He Tells His Mother Everything. How Should I Proceed?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am a very private person getting to know a man for marriage, but he tells his mother and friends everything we talk about, and he is easily persuaded by them. How should I proceed?

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Change

A good general rule is that people do not change after marriage, unless they are motivated to.

I am concerned that you are deeply private, yet are considering marriage to someone who does not know how to keep your confidence. Additionally, it sounds like he does not have the strength of character to make up his own mind. A husband is not only a companion, but he is also the leader of your household. These qualities do not bode well for a healthy and happy marriage.

So many marriages are troubled by interfering in-laws, or by spouses who have weak resolve. The fact that you have prior warning is a blessing. Choose wisely. Accept reality, and work with it, instead of fighting against it.

Communication

Please raise your concerns with your prospective husband after reading this helpful article Soften Your Startup.

If you find it difficult to do so on your own, then please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor for some pre-marital counselling.

Education

Please listen to this free downloadable lesson set, Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

When registration reopens, please enrol in and complete Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Istikhara

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times about how to proceed. If your heart softens towards him, or he shows commitment to change his ways, then that is your answer. If he does not see any problem with divulging personal information about you to his mother or his friends, then that is your answer.

In the end, this is your decision to make. I urge you to listen to your istikhara, and approach this with a calm head and heart. May Allah grant you what is best in both this world and the next.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam.

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

My Mother-In-Law Is Not Sunni. How Should I Maintain Ties With Her?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I live in a joint family system. My husband and I are Sunni, but my mother-in-law is Ahmedi.

The problem is even though I maintain a respectful relationship with my mother-in-law, I sometimes find it hard to ignore the clash between our beliefs. My husband has strictly told me not to argue with her.

How should I maintain my ties with her?

Answer: Assalam’aleykum,

Please refer to this amazing resource: Contented In-Laws. This website contains many gems about how to live harmoniously with your in-laws.

Your responsibility as a daughter-in-law is to treat your mother-in-law with respect and kindness. You don’t have to agree with her religious beliefs, nor does she have to agree with yours. It’s best to avoid talking about controversial topics, especially as your husband has made it clear that you are not to argue with his mother. A wise woman knows how to balance between pleasing her husband, her mother-in-law, while looking after her own needs. This takes time, practice, and a lot of mistakes will inevitably happen.

If your mother-in-law asks you to do something impermissible or makruh, then you need to use your wisdom and tact to politely decline. Please don’t make the mistake of giving into everything she asks of you, because then you will grow resentful. Instead, learn how to be assertive. Choose your battle wisely. Learn to give and take. Whenever you are in doubt, speak to your husband and ask for his insight.

Good opinion

“Verily! You (O Muhammad upon him be blessings and peace) guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided.” [Qur’an, 28:56]

None of us know our station with Allah. The wheel of life is always turning, and we all need to pray for Allah to keep us guided. Make dua for Allah to guide her. Remember that all guidance is from Allah, so make continual shukr that Allah bestowed belief upon your heart.

Please take it upon yourself to have a good opinion of your mother-in-law. Whatever is in your heart will manifest in your limbs and on your tongue, so make a conscious, daily effort let go of negative thoughts about her.

Good character

Abu Ad-Dardh narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.” [Tirmidhi]

Do your best to demonstrate good character with her, and be of service to her for the sake of pleasing Allah.

Please see:

Dealing with In-Laws With a Different Islamic Perspective

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi‘i fiqh, Arabic, Sirah, Aqidah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajwid. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

How To Manage Problems With In-Laws – Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

How To Manage Problems With In-Laws. A Muslim Perspective from Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

The closest relationship a person will ever experience in their lifetime is with their spouse. In this SeekersGuidance seminar, we learn how to cultivate this union to the fullest, how to overcome common hurdles, and how to maintain a high degree of moral conduct and excellent character.

For more info and FREE registration for our upcoming seminars – wherever you are in the world, visit SeekersGuidance Toronto.

Cover photo by Azlan DuPree.

I Live With an Abusive and Depressed Mother-In-Law – Should I Leave My Husband?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My husband is a good man. I have lived with my in laws, and not a day goes by where my mother-in-law does not fight with my husband over me. If I sit downstairs, she makes horrible remarks about me.

I have now come back to my parents’ home; I feel so much happier. Am I being impatient in my marriage? I want to leave my husband.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Dear sister, may Allah lift this tribulation from you, and grant you tranquility and ease. What you are going through is all too common, and very heartbreaking.

Living conditions

Islamically, you have rights to your own separate quarters. Please read A Wife’s Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari and share this with your husband.

One of the keys to success in a happy marriage is balance. It sounds like your husband has a faulty cultural understanding of the duty of a daughter-in-law. The solution to ignorance is sound knowledge.

When registration re-opens, please complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life, and encourage your husband to do the same. Understanding the spirit and law of a successful Islamic marriage will help you both be on the same page.

Consultation

The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce. “ [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Although divorce might seem like your only way out of this hardship, please exhaust all avenues before you decide on ending your marriage.

Is there a trustworthy local scholar who can help mediate matters between you and your husband? Is there a marriage counsellor who can help you both reach an agreement?

You have described your husband as a good man, so please give him a chance before you decide. I pray that he understands how difficult your living situation is for you, and that Allah inspires him to work together with you to find a solution. If your mother-in-law is unable to see the error of her ways, then for the sake of your sanity and your marriage, I hope that you are both able to move out.

Solutions

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times to help you decide what to do. If Allah makes the way easy for you to reconcile, then this is your answer. If Allah makes easy for you to leave your husband, then that is your answer.

Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night (before Fajr enters) and beg Allah for help.

Repentance

The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Whoever persists in asking for forgiveness, Allah will grant him relief from every worry, and a way out from every hardship, and will grant him provision from (sources) he could never imagine.” [Ibn Majah]

Make constant istighfar every day and trust Allah will make a way out for you.

Perspective

As immersed as you are right now with the trial of your mother-in-law, don’t lose sight of the One who is sending you these trials. Allah is the Turner of hearts, even hers.

Even if you were to live in your own home, the first year of marriage is often a stressful adjustment. I cannot imagine how much more difficult it is for you, while living under the constant stress of your depressed mother-in-law. Please look after yourself in this time, and reach out to loved ones who support your final decision.

Please refer to the following links:

What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Dealing With an Ill-Tempered Mother in Law
How to Handle Mean In-Laws?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Dealing with In-Laws With a Different Islamic Perspective

Answered by Dr. Bano Murtuja

Question: I have been engaged for a year to a man who I really like. However, his father and stepmother have been a problem within our relationship. They truly dislike my family have accused us of following false Sheikhs, of engaging in Kufr because we do tasbih, or we say our dua’a out loud etc. They accuse of of bid’a and have negative opinions of Muslims unlike them. My fiance has defended us against them, but he seeks to please them and he doesn’t put his foot down hard enough. What should I do?

Answer
: Wa’laikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakathu,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and states.

May Allah (Exalted be He) bless your union with all that is good, and make it a means to gain closeness to the All Loving and His beloved (upon him be peace and blessings).

Relationships with in laws can often be difficult to navigate, particularly if their understanding of Islam is different from one’s own.

The best example we have for dealing with those who disagree with us is in the actions of the Prophet (Peace and blessings be upon him). He (Peace and blessings be upon him) was unfailingly noble in his treatment of those who disagreed with him. He (Peace and blessings be upon him) would increase in excellent character the more he was subjected to bad character. This beautiful trait turned many hearts towards him.

It is not necessary for your future in laws to be in agreement with your approach. InshaAllah through you demonstrating good character, they will eventually come to accept and respect that this is simply a difference of opinion. As long as their opinion does not impact your ability to perform the obligatory, the best way to approach it is not to argue, rather, wherever possible remain silent and maintain the best of etiquette with them.

With regard to communicating with your future husband, it is important that there are boundaries set as to how you are treated. That said, asking him to do so in absolute terms may in the long term do more harm. If possible, explain to him how their opinion makes you feel and the course of action you feel is best, but at the same time be open and understanding of the fact that he knows his parents best and will be able to navigate that relationship with this understanding.

Your continued patience and good character will, inshaAllah, increase you in your relationship with your future husband.

May you be granted ease and facilitation in all of your affairs.

Ma’salam

Bano

Dr. Bano Murtuja is the Managing Director of SeekersHub Toronto, unique learning foundation that connects transformative knowledge and spirituality with actionable community service and social engagement. It is open and welcoming to individuals of all ages, religious beliefs and walks of life, with equally diverse programs and activities offered at no cost.