Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I have strong feelings of hatred towards God that He made these laws and legislations but I don’t act upon it. I have worries, and thoughts that even if I fulfill the Islamic duties, I would get punished for the feelings I had.
Is this how I’m tested by God? How can I learn to have patience in this matter? I want to learn how to accept something I don’t like. Or, it is has He decided To test my patience like this? By adding these laws and legislations, and then To bring me into existence?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa bakaratuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Narrated Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him):
Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” [Bukhari]
Difficulties are part of life in this dunya. These are all opportunities for you to turn towards Allah, instead of away. It is not easy to uphold the obligations Allah has placed upon us, especially when you live in the West, and have non-Muslim family members. Please know that the harder you try, the more reward you will have.
Feelings of anger against Allah
No matter how you have sinned against Allah, the door of repentance is always open. You are still beloved to Allah.
Instead of feeling anger at Allah for legislating His laws, perhaps you can explore what lies underneath your anger. Do you feel ashamed that you struggle so much? Please know that it is human to sin.
Obsessive Thoughts About The Past
Dear questioner, it sounds like you are very troubled by your hurtful past, and need compassionate, spiritual and professional help. Please reach out Sidi Zuhair Girash of Aafiyah Healing. InshaAllah, holistic healers like him will help you learn how to stay firmly grounded in the present. You have so much more to live for.
Perhaps you can begin with a daily gratitude exercise. Every day, practice writing down 10 things you are grateful for. It will be very challenging at first, but once you do this for at least 40 days, it will become a habit and you will rewire your brain.
Source of pain
Until you address the root cause of your pain, your obsessive thoughts and fears will not go away. They will simply take different forms.
You sound very miserable, but you also sound very used to being miserable. Change is difficult, but it is the beginning of something better for you.
Do you want to live differently? Are you willing to risk temporary discomfort, to break through old habits? Or do you feel that it is easier to just remain like this?
May Allah grant you the courage to take proactive steps to change.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.