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What Can I Do About My Husband Who Does Not Communicate Well?

Question: I am heart-broken by my husband. It has been 16 years of married life, but there is such a big communication gap. When we argue, I am always the first one to talk about it and patch it up. My husband does not ever try to solve issues. He will not talk to me and after a few days pretends to be normal as if nothing has happened. And it is really affecting me now. He knows it hurts me, but he does not do anything about it.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  I empathize with your frustration and I see that you hurting very badly in regards to your relationship. Rest assured that every marriage can improve with time and effort, by the grace of Allah.
Please see this link first:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/cold/

 

Resources

I suggest that you both first take this free marriage course, in order to look at where you stand in the perspective of an Islamic Marriage. I assure you that this will benefit you, even though you are 16 years into the marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
Also, read these books and encourage your husband to read them too. They talk about love languages and how different people express themselves in a marriage. These are also key to understanding one another:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Read this excellent advice from a wife of 25 years:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/25-years-worth-of-marriage-advice/

 

Steps

-The first thing that you must do, when facing any problem, is to sincerely turn to Allah and ask him to help you. Pray the Prayer of Need and be prepared to sacrifice. Pray all your prayers on time, read some Qur’an every day with the meaning, and avoid the harams of everyday life as much as you can, in your food, your financial transactions, how you dress, and what you say.
-Try to read and learn from the resources above, and apply the tips in your life. If he can read and learn them with you, it is even better. It will take time and effort, but it will be well worth it, by the grace of Allah.
-Some of the tips are: sleep at the same time, go out together for a date night once a week (watching a movie together does not count as bonding), communicate honestly without blaming, be positive, smile, be kind, tell him how you feel, and do not accept silent treatment because it is abusive. See this link for dealing with silent treatment:
https://www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment#takeaway

 

Accept Him

After trying all of the steps above, and really this is a growing process that never ends but continues throughout the marriage, try to accept your husband for who he is. No one is perfect, and if he is an overall good person, you should see that in him and understand that some things can improve but not become perfect. May Allah reward you for striving to better yourself and your marriage and may Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can I Make Dua In My Own Language and Not In Arabic?

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani was asked if we may supplicate to Allah in a language other than Arabic, particularly as many are not fluent in the Arabic language.

His answer may surprise you – he says not only may we make dua in any language we are comfortable with, in fact, we should.

Explaining the Chapel Hill shooting to children

A moving and age appropriate guide for parents struggling to explain the Chapel Hill tragedy to their children, written by California-based teacher, Hina Khan-Mukhtar:

Many parents have been asking how to talk about the Chapel Hill homicides with their children. Here is what I wrote to a Facebook friend today. I am focusing on the lives of the three who were killed, not their deaths. I discussed this with my 7th graders today as well. I reminded them that death is inevitable whether we live five days, 25 years, or a 100. Every single one of us will experience death – it is a guarantee.

The point is what was the total sum of our lives? These three martyrs lived full lives of service and benefit to others in their “short” lives. There are many witnesses who testify to their inherent goodness. Their last FB posts were about feeding the homeless and taking care of refugees. Deah’s tweet was about wanting peace between Israelis and Palestinians. I shared the interview Yusor did with her Islamic school principal and pointed out how grateful and kind she was in her manners and in her speech. We talked about how do we want to be remembered? If we die tomorrow, what will our friends and our social media friends say about us? Will the poor and the hungry miss us? How many people will want to come to our funerals? Yes, we live our lives to please Allah, but how we affect people matters too.

I reminded them to pray for safety and to know that no one can harm us unless Allah wills it. People say that those three had “their whole lives in front of them” and that “their futures were taken from them”. No, they didn’t and, no, they weren’t. This is exactly how much life Allah had written for them. None of us know when our end is coming, but we need to prepare for that inevitable day when it does.

I told them that it is still our duty to do whatever we can to ensure that this type of heinous crime doesn’t happen again, insha’Allah, but in the end, we know that Allah has created both demonic people and angelic people, and we pray that we are of those people who are most pleasing to Him.

We are either benefiting people and the world or we are harming people and this world…there is no neutral ground. It’s one or the other. We have to all assess our own lives and see what kind of impact we are making on our friends, family, and society at large.

Hicks’ first wife left him, citing cruelty on his part (it’s in the official records). His neighbors say he was a belligerent man and many people had reported him to the apartment complex HOA as a nuisance. He loved those tools that can be used to harm and kill (i.e. guns).

Deah, Yusor, and Razan are spoken about by everyone with nothing but the highest of praise. Two were in dentistry and the other was in architecture. Their tools of choice (dental instruments and architect’s materials) were used to heal and bring beauty to people and the world. What do we love? What do ppl have to say about us? Will it be a relief to others when we are gone, or will the world mourn our passing?

 

Resources for Seekers: