Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
My husband and I have been married for six years, and we have two children under the age of five. We have had a rocky relationship since having children, but we always worked it out, alhamdulillah. He’s got anger issues, but he has calmed down over the years. He gets annoyed if I don’t tidy the house, which I am working on. I homeschool too.
My eldest had a meltdown recently, and my husband threw his toy when he wouldn’t stop crying. When I told him to go to his room to calm down, he shoved me, shouting and swearing that I shouldn’t ask him to go but tell the child to go. I’ve always told him that if he touches me in anger, I will leave, but now I’m unsure what to do. What do you advise?
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for trying to diffuse the situation with your family and for taking your time to think things through.
First, here is a small sample of what an Islamic marriage should look like, and this is every married person’s ultimate goal:
Allah Most High says in the Quran, “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most perfect of faith of the believers is the best of them in good character – and the best of you are those are best to their wives.” [Tirmidhi]
Another hadith relates, “Any woman who dies with her husband happy with her will enter Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]
It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything concerning herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]
Your question is a tough one. For example, I know one family where a husband shoved his wife once but never did it again, and they turned out very happy. On the other hand, your husband’s shove, coupled with his anger issues, could be the first sign of a life of abuse. You must pray istikhara on this issue and seek guidance from Allah on how to do this. It may prove very useful to leave for a few days, and showing your seriousness may prevent a future problem. Forgiving him on the spot may not be enough of a wake-up call for him.
Communicate and Donate
Consider all avenues, but start with an open discussion with him. Communicate how it made you feel and tell him what you are thinking. Remind him that emotional abuse is not acceptable either. Read his reaction and ask Allah to guide you to do and say the right thing to him. Give charity during this process as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]
I also urge you to turn to Allah, not miss your prayers, read Quran daily and be sure that nothing haram is happening in your home so that you make your situation more conducive to His aid.
Please see these links as well:
Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
My Husband and I Argue a Lot in Front of Our Small Daughter, and It Scares Her. What Should I Do?
A Little Fiqh on Controlling One’s Anger
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.