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What Can I Do If My Parents Will Not Let Me Marry My Brother-in-Law’s Brother?

Question: 

What should I do if my parents will not let me marry my brother-in-law’s brother?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this frustration with your parents. It is heartbreaking, but I assure you that you will get through this, by the grace of Allah, Most High.

 

Appeal

Appeal to your parents’ wishes for you to be happy and communicate with them gently and politely. Give them time if they need it. Get your sister involved to help convince them, and if they listen to no one, get an elder or imam to talk to them. Also, perhaps the young man can come over and officially propose. This will force them to reconsider and finalize how they feel. You will need to procure their permission in order to marry him, so do not try to rush it or be rude in the process. Your father is essentially trying to protect you and wishes for the best for you.

 

Istikhara

Pray istikhara, and see if this man is really the best for you. Have you picked him based on his religion, or is it simply lust? Six years is a long time to plan to marry someone without telling your parents. If there was an illicit relationship, you will need to repent for it and then submit to what Allah has planned for you. Tell your suitor to pray istikhara as well, and if it is positive, you will both have to convince your parents. Please remember that you can only push them so far, and if you cannot, you must part ways.

 

Ease After Difficulty

Remember that after every difficulty there is ease, as Allah, Most High, has told us in His book, and that no matter what pain and hardship you go through now, it will just make you stronger and better. Always beware of your emotions because the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.“ [Abu Dawud] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next bless your union with whomever it may be.

 

Please See:

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obeying-parents-in-matters-of-marriage/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/marriage-dealing-with-parents/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Is It Sinful To Stay Up Late?

Question:

Is it sinful to stay up late?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.

 

Disobeying Parents

When one wants to understand if one’s parents should be obeyed, it is good to learn when they do not need to be obeyed. Parents do not need to be obeyed when their demands are in contravention of the shari`ah, extreme or abusive. Please see the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/maintaining-family-ties-obeying-parents/

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-may-parents-be-disobeyed-and-how/

 

Staying Up Late

Considering that staying up late is a bad habit, harmful, and contrary to the Prophetic Sunna, I would say that it could easily be counted as a sin to do this against one’s parents’ wishes. Well-meaning parents compromise with their children when they see how much they want to stay up. They might agree to a later bedtime, but if a child was to transgress that as well, it is just plain wrong. May we seek refuge in Allah from the evil or our own selves.

 

The Rank of Parents

Please see the link below and consider this hadith: Ibn Mas’ud narrated that a man asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, “What deeds are the best?“ The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace,   said: “1) To perform the (daily compulsory) prayers at their (early) stated fixed times, (2) to be good and dutiful to one’s own parents, (3) and to participate in Jihad in Allah’s Cause.” [Bukhari]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and make you a coolness for your parents’ eyes.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obedience-to-parents-when-they-are-being-difficult/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

How Do I Deal With a Mother Who Only Shows Me Affection When She Wants Something From Me?

Question:

The only time my mother talks to me nicely is when I do housework. I do respect her and treat her well, and I help out around the house as the eldest daughter, caring for my siblings, and run errands for her, but never once have I felt that she was ever grateful or even cared about me. She would only touch me to get me to do chores. When I cry in front of her out of stress or anxiety, she scolds me and backs away from me. Please give me advice.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that your mother is not affectionate and gives you the cold shoulder when you are upset.

 

A Person’s Experiences

Please understand that her life experiences made her into the person she is now. It may be that her parents were not loving, or it may be that they did not know how to show their love. She may have always been encouraged to suppress her emotions and show a tough shell. I am certain that your mother loves you, and I am certain that she is proud of the young lady that you have become.

 

Affection

The advice I am going to give you is what I learned from books on marital advice. As an adult, if you want affection, you must give it first. Start hugging your mother every morning when you wake up. Do it every day, and make it a habit without fail. She will be taken aback at first, but she will come to love it and expect it. If your mother is sitting down somewhere, do not hesitate to sit next to her or put your head in her lap. As the eldest, you will be averse to this, but these habits will change the course of your relationship, by the grace of Allah.

 

Time

Generally speaking, mother-daughter relationships improve with time, especially if you start good habits. When you are older, married or not, you will start being an example for her, and you can communicate to her that it is OK to be more loving and open with her feelings. This will benefit your siblings as well. Your test, for now, is to treat her in the way that is best for both of you. Show patience, encourage emotions, and try to bond with her by going out alone with her, doing her favorite activities with her, praying with her, or listening to her stories.

 

Turn to Allah

In the meanwhile, turn to Allah with supplication, for He sees and appreciates everything that you do. Give in regular charity, even if only a little, be the best Muslimah that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask for mercy and kindness to be put between your hearts. Make the intention to be a loving and affectionate parent yourself. See the extent of Allah’s mercy below. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily, Allah created, on the same very day when He created the heavens and the earth, one hundred parts of mercy. Every part of mercy is coextensive with the space between the heavens and the earth, and He out of this mercy endowed one part to the earth. It is because of this that the mother shows affection to her child and even the beasts and birds show kindness to one another, and when there would be the Day of Resurrection, Allah would make full (use of Mercy).” [Muslim]

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Who Becomes the Owner of a Jointly-Owned Business Between Spouses After the Death of One of Them?

Question:

If a husband and wife are legally joint owners of a business or real estate and one of them dies, does the remaining spouse become the sole owner of the property/business, or does all or a portion have to be divided according to inheritance laws?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

Upon the death of one of their spouses, all of their assets are divided amongst the heirs of that individual according to the Islamic laws of inheritance. Some will go to the spouse, some to the parents, children, etc. The surviving spouse’s share in the business or real estate is not affected.

Please ensure that everyone who has a right receives that right. This is very important for the safety of those who distribute financial rights like this on the Day of Judgement. Not doing so can also ruin relationships permanently in this life.
May Allah grant you the best of both worlds.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

Does Breastmilk Produced Through Artificial Means Bring Shari’a Rulings Into Effect?

Question:

A one-year-old baby was given breastmilk that came through consuming tablets. Is baby now the foster daughter of the woman who breastfed her? Do other rulings apply?

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh.

I pray you are well.

 

The Mother’s Family

Yes, the child is now the foster daughter of the lady who breastfed her. See it is her having been placed within the family of the lady who breastfed her. She does not have to cover in front of the foster mother’s brother or son – unless, at some point, there is the fear of this leading to inappropriate interaction from either side. In that situation, she would have to cover.

Otherwise, it is as though she is a biological daughter of the foster mother when it comes to the mother’s direct relatives. The normal rules of clothing and interaction between siblings and near relatives apply here too.

 

The Mother’s Husband

However, the husband of the foster mother is not considered her father as the milk as produced through artificial and not natural means. She child would have to cover in front of him after reaching puberty. [Maydani, al-Lubab]

Try to promote good relationships between her and the rest of the family, always; and even amongst the family members. Having good relationships is highly emphasised in Islam, and it is the means to religious and worldly success.

May Allah grant you the best of both worlds.

[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History he moved to Damascus in 2007 where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital and he was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.

How Do I Deal With My Toxic Parents Who Give Me Constant Stress?

Question:

I am an 18-year-old girl, who has been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused due to my toxic and overcontrolling parents since I was six. They often play the Muslim parent card, and I find it hard to communicate with them as I fear talking to my dad, and my mom tries to brainwash me with her emotions. It has been tough for me to focus on my studies and other things. I am often forced to do anything they please, and I recently lost my patience to deal with them.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.

 

Resources

The best thing I can tell you for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers, first:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/#
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/

 

Excellence towards Parents

It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence towards your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellent. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.

 

Harm

As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually. Explain to them that you need to study, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are asking too much of you and that you need a bit more free time. Perhaps you can discuss their expectations of you and write them down, so it is clear and agreed upon.

 

Patience

Your age is the most difficult age when it comes to dealing with parents. You are coming to the age of independence and making your own decisions, while your parents have to learn to start letting go of their little girl. Rest assured that you will move out one day, and marry, maybe sooner than later, and things will get easier, by the grace of Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children.

 

Turn to Allah

In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslimah that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness. He will surely come to your aid.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation.

Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you. 

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can I Play Video Games To Keep Family Ties Strong?

Question:
Can I play video games to keep family ties strong?
Answer:
Dear questioner,
 May Allah bless you and increase you in good.
One of the most important things in the life of a Muslim who is striving to be a good Muslim is about the company one keeps.
Good Company
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
 “A person is on the religion of his close friend, so let him carefully examine whom he befriends.” [Tirmidhi]
This hadith lays down the foundation of good. Muhammad Mawlud, a great West African scholar, says in his famous Matharat al-Qulub, “The foundation of all good and evil rest in the same source, companionship.” I recommend you keep the company of those who remind you of Allah and whom you enjoy their company because it enriches you and leaves you a better Muslim after your time with them.
Temptation 
Temptation and Shaytan’s ploys could be tricky. The devil will try to find subtle ways to delude you. So take caution!
“Satan is an enemy to you, so treat him as an enemy. He only invites his gang to be among the inmates of the Inferno.” [Qur’an 35:6]
 Playing one game sometimes to keep the kinship bond may lead to more games, which opens up that trap-door for you once again.
We do not need to do anything that jeopardizes our relationship with Allah to please others.
Have a meal together, buy them a gift, have some tea or coffee together, maybe even pray together! There are many ways to keep kinship bonds ties strong without video games.
As for the actual ruling of video games, refer to this answer:
May Allah bless you and keep you strong on your faith. 
[Imam] Yama Niazi
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

How Do I Divide My Estate Amongst My Children?

Question:

If someone gives his property to his children and then has more children, do the new children also get their portion of the property?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Thank you for your important question.

If someone gives his property to his children and then has more children, the new children do not get a portion of the old property because it is no longer their parent’s.

For example, a man has three sons and three houses. He gives his three houses to his three sons and the property is legally transferred to their names (or they or their legal representatives take complete physical charge of the property). At this point, the properties no longer belong to the father. [Minhaj al-Talibin, Nawawi]

Thereafter, he has another son, and then the father dies. Should the new son have his portion of the properties that were once owned by his father but are now the property of his brothers? No. Inheritance only applies to the property and wealth that one actually has upon death.

Okay, so what about being fair to each of one’s children in gifts? Again, that only applies to property that still belongs to one. Once one has given property away, this no longer applies.

Now, if it was merely a promise/agreement that he would give them the property, but no valid gift contract (hiba sahiha) occurred, and (importantly) no legal or physical transfer of ownership happened (the title deeds were not changed for example), then the property would remain as the father’s property and would be divided between all of his heirs upon death.

I pray this helps.

[Ustadh] Farid Dingle

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Farid Dingle has completed extensive years of study in the sciences of the Arabic language and the various Islamic Sciences. During his studies, he also earned a CIFE Certificate in Islamic Finance. Over the years he has developed a masterful ability to craft lessons that help non-Arabic speakers gain a deep understanding of the language. He currently teaches courses in the Arabic Language.

How Do I Deal With Hateful Family Members Who Take Advantage of My Kindness?

Question: 

How do I deal with hateful family members who take advantage of my kindness?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I understand that you are going through pain and suffering regarding your sisters, and I pray that you can protect yourself and still improve your relationship with them.

 

Kindness

Although it is of good character to be kind, loving, and helpful to your sisters, it is not of the sunna to be used and abused. I feel that you have done plenty for your sisters, and I feel that you should move forward with caution. Pray for them, keep in touch with them in a minimal way, and give them gifts on ‘Eid.

 

Protect Yourself

Moving out was the right step, and I pray that you do eventually get along with your older sister. You should tell her the reason that you left and send her the contact of a therapist that might help her. Do not fight about it, just tell her that you love her and that you are both healthier and happier when you are apart. As for your younger sister, encourage her to work or study, and do not get on her case about it. She needs to wake up and you cannot do that for her.

 

Finances

You should be straightforward with your older sister about finances, and tell her exactly how much you can help her, even if you just send her 20$ a month. I feel that you should not completely stop giving her anything, because this small connection shows her that you still care. Living away from her will still give you some peace of mind.

 

Turn to Allah

The most important thing for you here is to trust in Allah and turn to Him. He has a plan for you, and you must submit to His plan while praying for the best outcome. Supplicate to Allah to guide you to mend your relationship when you feel mentally stable and healthy. Give Allah what he wants by being an obedient and devoted servant and striving to practice His religion in the best way. Ask Him to always send you good, positive, and encouraging people in your life who will help you and not take advantage of you.

May Allah reward you for your sincerity and give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

 

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

Can My Mother Force Me To Babysit My Siblings Year After Year?

Question:

My mom forces me to babysit my younger siblings for years now. It is wasting my time, and I do not get paid. Is this allowed to force your kids to do this?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration at your mother forcing you to babysit and use up all your free time for this. I pray that you can open the doors of communication with her and work out a happy solution for both of you.

 

Obedience to One’s Parents

Please see these details below for the general ruling on obeying parents and when they may be disobeyed:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/when-may-parents-be-disobeyed-and-how/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/do-i-have-to-obey-my-parents-if-they-stop-me-from-listening-to-religious-talks/

 

Forcing You To Babysit

Your mother loves you and wants the best for you and you, as a young adult, need to grow, learn, and develop skills that will help you in a career and/or marriage. The best action for you is not to throw rulings in her face, but rather to communicate. You must sit her down and tell her that you love her and that you want to help her, but that it is time to cut down on the babysitting. Tell her of your endeavours, your passions, your dreams and your goals. She will be much more sympathetic to your situation if she knows what is going on in your head.

 

Come Up With a Plan

Make a list of options so that she does not lose you altogether but starts seeing a way for both of you to be independent. Can you babysit just once a week? Can she start paying you? Can you help her find someone else to babysit? I encourage you and your mother to learn about Islam, fulfill your obligations to Allah, and commit yourselves to living an Islamic lifestyle, based on knowledge, faith, and taqwa. May Allah give you both the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.