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How Can I Tell My Family From Abroad That I Do Not Support Their Backwards Thinking?

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Answered by Ustadha Umm Umar

Question: Assalam alaykum,

I have recently had close relatives from abroad. They are very cultural. They are not used to seeing girls getting an education and working. The only thing they think is important to a lady is for to get married and have kids. They ask and tell me: “Why do you go to school? Just get married, have kids”.However, these are not my priorities as of right now.

How can I tell them respectfully that I do not support their backwards thinking?

Answer: Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

I pray this message reaches you in the best of health and iman.

There is a great wisdom in each of us living our lives in a manner that only we can choose for ourselves. Others may speculate about what we should or should not be doing, but at the end of the day, it is really your own opinion that really matters.

I would encourage you to consider what feelings might be behind their advice, such as:

-them wanting what they see as best for you
-trying to help you in the best way they can think of
-actually caring about your life and wanting you to find happiness
-concern for your future
-that they love you

These ideas are in no way wrong, in fact the opposite. Now days people are often wrapped up in their own lives to sincerely care for others and their future. Their expression of concern is in fact very sweet masha Allah. I know it can be difficult to have other people attempt to delve into your personal life, especially when you do not wish to consult them. I would advise you to handle this by:

-thanking them for their concern
-attempting to change the subject (a good way is by asking them for advice in another area to distract them, or by asking about a historical event in your family)
-holding them in a good opinion

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was someone who had the best character with every single person he dealt with. He often dealt with desert bedouins, who did not have the finer elements of etiquette that the more local Arabs of Mecca had. Yet the Prophet (peace be upon him) interacted with them in the best of ways, and persevered and remained friendly, even when their conduct left much to be desired.

Likewise, we ourselves need to be patient with others, as an expression of love for our greatest teacher. Also to show that as believers, we are called to the best of etiquette, even when we are provoked, or others are behaving in ways that we find annoying.

May Allah Most High put us all on the path most pleasing to Him,and may we all be exemplars of the best of conduct in our homes and communities, ameen.

Umm Umar (Shireen Ahmed)

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Defence Images

Ties that Bind: (30 Days, 30 Deeds), by Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 41:20 — 18.9MB)

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Ties that Bind: Reconnect with relatives who have become distant (30 Days, 30 Deeds), by Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes

30 Days, 30 Deeds
Sacred Acts to Transform the Heart

Every night, our scholars in residence explore one simple deed that could have a far-reaching spiritual impact on our lives – and the lives of others. Every day we’ll make the intention to put that teaching into practice. Whether it’s forgiving someone who’s wronged us or putting service to others at the top of our list of priorities, these powerful lessons will remind us of the great gift the Prophet ﷺ‎  gave us: the best of character.

Daily at 8:10 pm EST. Attend in person at SeekersHub Toronto or watch live. 

Let’s #GiveLight to Millions More

We envision a world in which no one is cut off from the beauty, mercy, and light of the Prophetic ﷺ example. A world where the dark ideology of a few is dwarfed by radiant example of the many who follow the way of the Prophet ﷺ. But we can’t do it alone. We need your support. This Ramadan, we need you to help us #GiveLight to millions more. Here’s how.

Cover Photo by Talisa

 

How Do We Maintain Family Ties With Bloodthirsty Relatives?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I have an extremely difficult relationship with my sister. Not only has she argued with me via phone and social media,but she also flirted with my husband.

I stopped talking to her. After that, she went around telling everyone that I called her an indecent woman.

What should we do with bloodthirsty family members?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah heal your sister and improve your relationship with her. Truly, nothing is difficult for Allah.

Boundaries

‘Abdullah bin Amr narrated that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Merely maintaining the ties of kinship is not adequate. But connecting the ties of kinship is when ties to the womb are severed, and he connects it.” [Tirmidhi]

Your sister sounds very unhappy and very unwell. With individuals like her, you must draw strong boundaries, but always with tact and balance. It is impermissible for you to completely cut ties with her, so you must maintain a minimum of contact e.g. send her emails, text messages and/or gifts, visit her for Eid. Do it for Allah’s sake. Expect nothing in return from her. Trust that Allah is All-Seeing and All-Hearing, and knows how painful this is for you. Think of this as expiation for your sins.

The talebearing that she has done about you is a major sin. Work on forgiving her, because a grudge in your heart only harms you. Please perform The Prayer of Need and ask Allah to grant you patience to bear with this trial until He lifts it from you.

Support

I strongly recommend that you see a culturally-sensitive counsellor who can help you cope with her emotionally abusive behaviour. Please describe your situation to your counsellor, and learn how to stand up for yourself in a respectful and confident way. Your priority is to protect your health and the harmony of your household.

Allah does not wish for you to be target practice. Passively taking your sister’s destructive behaviour is harmful to your spiritual, emotional and physical health. You are a Muslimah, and your dignity is sacred. Telling her to treat you with basic courtesy is an excellent start. Follow it up with minimal interaction. Hold up your end of the relationship, and Allah will take care of the rest.

Please refer to the following links:

What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?
My Sisters-In-Law Belittle Us and Their Parents. Do I Need to Maintain Ties With Them?
A Reader on Family Ties
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Martin Cathrae

How Should I Deal With Inappropriate Behaviour on Whatsapp?

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Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: Our family has a Whatsapp thread in which we all keep in touch with each other. There are male cousins on both sides, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws etc. How can one keep participating in conversations where male cousins often jab, provoke, flirt with the female cousins/sister-in-laws on the thread?

Answer: assalamu alaykum

The Basic Ruling

In terms of having a Whatsapp group of this kind, the basic ruling is that it is not prohibited to have such a group in essence as it neither involves actual physical seclusion (khalwa) nor virtual seclusion that may lead to the impermissible.

Rather, the group you describe is composed of a number of family members, some of whom are of marriageable kin (non-mahram), such as cousins and in-laws, and others of unmarriageable kin (mahram), such as brothers, sisters, wives, husbands.

Your Circumstances

Yet, the manner of communication mentioned in the question is contrary to religious dictates. Flirtatious behavior is unacceptable. The same is the case with things like the “heart emoticons” (between other than siblings, spouses, etc.).

While our religion does not prevent people from being courteous and friendly with family members, it does prescribe guidelines regarding how gender interaction should occur, particularly when it relates to those of marriageable kin (non-mahram).

For more details on these guidelines, please see: A Reader On Gender Interaction

How to Respond

Regarding how you should respond, simply disengage when such conversations are taking place. If they do occur in the course of a conversation and you are unable to control it, simply pull back and do not be a part of it.

This does not necessarily mean that you have to leave the group entirely especially if it will cause problems between family members, but the least you should do is disengage when the conversations shifts in this direction.

It is also important here to take note of the principles governing promoting good and prohibiting that which is unacceptable. This would only be necessary if you feel that people will listen to you and your advice will not lead to a more negative consequences.

If you are reasonably sure that it will have a negative and harmful impact on others, then it is probably best to avoid advising these people.

You may, of course, try to discuss the issue in private with other family members who share the same concerns with you and then try your best to uphold a manner of conversation that is respectful, courteous, friendly, and within the limits of the religion.

Salman

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Can I Attend My Nephew’s First Birthday Party When There Is Alcohol Being Served?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My non-Muslim family often have events where alcohol is the main feature of parties and get togethers. Most recently my brother is having a first birthday party for his son with alcohol on tap.

What should I do? We are often put down for our beliefs and feel like outsiders.

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer which pleases Allah, and heal the rifts within your family.

Non-Muslim family

This is delicate situation. A gathering in which alcohol is present is not a place for a believer. However, they remain your family, and it is important to keep family ties in a manner which pleases Allah.

I would suggest that you apologise and explain that you are not comfortable being at events where alcohol is served. Instead of attending your nephew’s first birthday party, offer to take them all out for a meal, or a picnic at a park. Provide an alternative setting for them to enjoy your company. Be steadfast on this, and ask Allah to grant them understanding.

Boundaries

Boundaries are important in facilitating harmonious family ties. Make it known to them, calmly and respectfully, that you do not expect them to agree with your religious beliefs, but you do expect them to treat your Muslim family with basic respect.

If you do not stand up to them respectfully, they will continue to think it is acceptable to put all of you down. Your dignity as a believer is sacred. Be an example for your children to follow. Being assertive takes practice, and if you need to, see a counsellor, life coach or psychologist to help you.

Good character

‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb reported from his grandfather that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Shall I tell you about who among you I love the most and the one who will be seated closest to me on the Day of Rising?” The people were silent, so he repeated that two or three times. Then the people said, “Yes, Messenger of Allah.” He said, “The one among you with the best character.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

As challenging as it can be with your non-Muslim family, try your best to have good character when you are with them. Treat them with kindness, be patient with their shortcomings and make dua for Allah to guide them. The wheel of life is constantly turning, and it is not difficult for Allah to guide your entire family, if He wills.

Be assertive when you need to be, and always follow it up with acts of love and kindness. InshaAllah, through your patience with your family, your heart is being constantly polished. May your interaction with your family grant you a heart which pleases Allah, on the Day you meet Him.

Please refer to the following links:

Is Christmas Haram? Being Muslim in a Non-Muslim Family
What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Joey Gannon

My Sisters-In-Law Belittle Us and Their Parents. Do I Need to Maintain Ties With Them?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: How do I deal with my sisters-in-law who boldly disrespect their parents and their brother? They often criticize, correct & belittle their parents, their brother, me and my small children.

Am I obligated to keep ties with them and if so, to what extent?

It has started to interfere in our relationship with my husband’s parents because they live there.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah lift this tribulation from you. Being tested by family members is very heartbreaking. Trust that Allah hears your dua.

Family ties

‘Abdullah bin Amr narrated that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Merely maintaining the ties of kinship is not adequate. But connecting the ties of kinship is when ties to the womb are severed, and he connects it.” [Tirmidhi]

As painful as this might be for you to hear, yes, you are still obligated to maintain ties with them.

Solutions

1) Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to lift this tribulation from you.
2) Keep contact with your sisters-in-law to a minimum. For example, visit them during the two Eids and break your fast with them at least once in Ramadan.
3) Send them gifts with the intention of pleasing Allah. Try your best not to expect acknowledgement or gratitude from them.
4) Instead of visiting your family’s home, arrange to have a meal with your parents at a local cafe or restaurant, or invite them over to your home. If your parents ask why, explain that you’d like a more pleasant visit.

Children

Please take the time to comfort and guide your children. It is so sad that they have become afraid of their critical aunties. May Allah heal this rift, and fill all of your hearts with sincere love and concern, for His sake.

If your children ask why their aunties are behaving this way, tell them what Ustadh Usama Canon explained: “Hurt people, hurt people.”

Please use this hardship as a learning opportunity. Explain to your children that although what their aunties is doing is wrong, they are still family, and the Prophetic response is to maintain family ties. That being said, emphasise that their safety and dignity is important, and teach them how to stay safe. Help them to be assertive, while remaining respectful.

If they are old enough, role play what they can say to their aunties, and what they can do, the next time they are belittled. If they are still too young, then please advocate for them, and make it clear to your sisters-in-law that it is unacceptable for them to treat your children like that. If they resist, then minimise your children’s exposure to them.

Explain that there is an adab to giving advice to others, and share stories of how kind and gentle the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) was when he gave counsel to others.

Children who are exposed to verbal and emotional abuse from their family members begin to expect it from others outside their family. This makes them vulnerable to future abuse from other people. Please keep this in mind, and watch out for red flags as they face challenges in school and beyond.

Please refer to the following links:

A Reader on Family Ties
The Criteria of Enjoining Good and Forbidding Evil

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Kham Tran

How Should I Deal With My Disrespectful Younger Sister?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am fifteen. I have a younger sister aged ten. My sister is very disrespectful to me, and more importantly, very disrespectful and rude to my parents. How should I go about dealing with her? I am finding it very difficult to remain patient with her.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for wishing to mend family ties. This is a tremendously important aspect of our religion.

Family ties

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah created all the creatures and when He finished the task of His creation, Ar-Rahm (ties of relationship) said: ‘(O Allah) at this place I seek refuge with You against severing my ties.’ Allah said: ‘That I treat with kindness those who treat you with kindness and sever ties with those who sever ties with you.’ It said: ‘I am satisfied.’ Allah said: ‘Then this is yours”. Then Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Recite this Ayah if you like: ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight”. (47:22,23). [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

Remember this hadith when you begin to feel impatient with your sister. As upset as you may be with her, strive to uphold good character, and make sincere dua for her.

Sister

Do you know why your sister may be acting in this way? The youngest sibling often feels neglected, intentionally or unintentionally. Reflect on what you may have done to contribute to this trial. She is old enough to discern when her company is unwanted.

As difficult as she might be right now, put yourself in her shoes to help you understand why she is behaving this way. Think of her as being the best test of your good character. Sometimes, the ones who are hardest to love are in greatest need of it. She may even teach you something about yourself.

Advice

It sounds like giving her direct advice is not working. Try a different strategy. Ensure that you and your parents are enforcing consistent boundaries. In addition to that, all three of you must do your best to set a good example to her.

Love language

What is your sister’s love language? Please refer to this website to check. Ensure that her ‘love tank’ is being filled by you and your parents, in a way that resonates best with her. It could be receiving gifts, spending quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch.

Education

I strongly encourage you and your parents to complete this online course Islamic Parenting: Raising Upright Children. This course will equip all of you with the tools you need to nurture your sister, inshaAllah.

Hope and Patience

“And obey Allah and His Messenger, and do not dispute (with one another) lest you lose courage and your strength depart, and be patient. Surely, Allah is with those who are As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).” [Qur’an, 8:46]

Have hope in Allah’s ability to change hearts, even that of your sister’s. Nothing is impossible for Allah. InshaAllah in the near future, your sister will be loving and respectful to your parents and you, and perhaps even a good friend to you.

Please refer to the following links:

Fostering Love and Sympathy Between Siblings – Ustadha Shireen Ahmed
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Photo: Johanan Ottensooser

How Do I Mend Ties With My Estranged Brother and His Family?

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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I live abroad and I am unable to visit my parents regularly. I feel that they are being neglected by my other siblings who live in the same city. My sister-in-law has completely cut herself off from my parents. I have tried to speak to my brother about this, so she has cut me off as well. Am I under obligation to keep ties with her?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for this delay. May Allah make a way out for you during this difficult time.

Dua

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “There is not a man who calls upon Allah with a supplication, except that he is answered. Either it shall be granted to him in the world, or reserved for him in the Hereafter, or, his sins shall be expiated for it according to the extent that he supplicated – as long as he does not supplicate for some sin, or for the severing of the ties of kinship, and he does not become hasty.” They said: “O Messenger of Allah, and how would he be hasty?” He (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “He says: ‘I called upon my Lord, but He did not answer me.’” [Tirmidhi]

Please have hope in the power of dua. Although it looks like things are not changing, trust that Allah will answer your dua in the best way possible.

Siblings

It must be upsetting for you to see that your siblings live so close to your parents, yet do not visit as often as you would. Have you had an honest conversation with them? Share your concerns with them as calmly as you can.

Remember that you are unable to control their actions. All you can do is express your concerns, suggest solutions, and leave the outcome to Allah. They, like everyone else, will answer to Allah, and you are not held responsible for their actions. Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to set things right in your family.

Mending ties

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Merely maintaining the ties of kinship is not adequate. But connecting the ties of kinship is when his ties to the womb are severed and he connects it.” [Tirmidhi]

In normal circumstances, it is impermissible to sever family ties. This applies even to difficult family members. As hard as it must be for you right now, trust that Allah is the Turner of Hearts, and that nothing is impossible with His help. You do your part by reaching out to your sister-in-law in a way which you can handle. You do not need to sit down and chat with her. This may not happen for a while. But you can send gifts.

I pray that you see the fruits of your effort in this life. Rest assured that nothing is lost with Allah, and that inshaAllah, even if you don’t see a pleasing outcome in this life, you will in the next.

Give gifts

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Give gifts and you will love one another.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

If you are afraid to call your sister-in-law, then post her gifts instead. Include a thoughtful note if you feel that will help. As you post her gifts, make your highest intention that of pleasing Allah. Ask Him to make this gift a means of mending ties with her.

Patience

“And obey Allah and His Messenger, and do not dispute and [thus] lose courage and [then] your strength would depart; and be patient. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” [Qur’an, 8:46]

Above all, have patience. Think of the trial of Nabi Yusuf (upon him be peace) and how he suffered at the hands of his own brothers. He remained patient, as did his father, Nabi Yaqub (upon him be peace), and Allah rewarded them for it. Read Surah Yusuf as a means of reminding yourself, and as a way to lift the sadness from your heart.

Trials with family are indeed difficult to bear. I pray that Allah eases your sorrow, and draws you closer to Him through your tribulation.

Please refer to the following links:

A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
How Should I Uphold My Family Ties?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Should I Return a Christmas Gift?

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Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: Assalam alaikum,

I have recieved at work, as a christmas gift, a 10£ gift voucher.

Can I accept it?

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray that this message finds you well, insha’Allah.

There is no harm in accepting such a gift as it is merely a social custom and not a specifically religious action.

Please see: Giving & Recieving Christmas Gifts

And Allah alone knows best.

wassalam,
Tabraze Azam

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Can I Go to My Non-Muslim Sister’s Birthday?

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Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question: Assalam alaykum,

My non-Muslim blood sister has invited me to her birthday. Is it allowed for me to go?

Answer: Walaikum assalam,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and spirits.

Birthdays are social—not specifically religious—customs. As such, it is permitted to participate in them, if they are free of fundamentally impermissible activities.

Given that it is your sister, you should also be intended upholding family ties (silat al-rahim), which is one of the great virtues a believer has been commanded to uphold, by Allah and the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him).

Please see also: Fasting on One’s Birthday and: Innovation (Bid`a) and Celebrating the Prophet’s Birthday (Mawlid) and: Should Converts Break Ties With Non-Muslim Family Members? and: A Reader on Anger Management and Good Character

And Allah is the giver of success and facilitation.

wassalam,

Faraz Rabbani