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I Am Getting to Know a Man for Marriage, but He Tells His Mother Everything. How Should I Proceed?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am a very private person getting to know a man for marriage, but he tells his mother and friends everything we talk about, and he is easily persuaded by them. How should I proceed?

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Change

A good general rule is that people do not change after marriage, unless they are motivated to.

I am concerned that you are deeply private, yet are considering marriage to someone who does not know how to keep your confidence. Additionally, it sounds like he does not have the strength of character to make up his own mind. A husband is not only a companion, but he is also the leader of your household. These qualities do not bode well for a healthy and happy marriage.

So many marriages are troubled by interfering in-laws, or by spouses who have weak resolve. The fact that you have prior warning is a blessing. Choose wisely. Accept reality, and work with it, instead of fighting against it.

Communication

Please raise your concerns with your prospective husband after reading this helpful article Soften Your Startup.

If you find it difficult to do so on your own, then please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor for some pre-marital counselling.

Education

Please listen to this free downloadable lesson set, Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

When registration reopens, please enrol in and complete Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Istikhara

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times about how to proceed. If your heart softens towards him, or he shows commitment to change his ways, then that is your answer. If he does not see any problem with divulging personal information about you to his mother or his friends, then that is your answer.

In the end, this is your decision to make. I urge you to listen to your istikhara, and approach this with a calm head and heart. May Allah grant you what is best in both this world and the next.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam.

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.