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Told by Parents to Cut Ties with Brother

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil gives a detailed answer on being asked by parents to cut ties with a brother.

I have an older brother who is very dear to me (raised me and my sister very well). He is a really great guy, but recently he has “fallen in love” with a horrible woman. She had her eye on him when he was in relations with her cousin, and since then she had flirted with him and made him fall in love with her.

She is older and also has two young children. She always goes out and she shows my brother off as if they are married. She has sworn at my parents many times and called my family bad names, but my brother really wants to marry her and she won’t let go.

This has been going on for four years and my parents are very hurt by his actions. They have done everything to get him to stop other than agree to let him marry her. I am very lost and don’t know what to do. It’s like choosing between my parents and brother. I resent his girlfriend as well, I really don’t like her. My parents gave them two chances, They ruined both, but they won’t stop asking to get married.

My father said to my brother that he can go get married but we will cut all ties with him. Should we be cutting ties with my brother? In Islam, we are supposed to do everything for our parents, but we are also told not to cut ties, so I’m very confused on what to do at this point.

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Cutting off Ties

“If they strive to make you associate with Me anything about which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep their company in this life according to what is right.” (Sura Luqman 31:15)

I am sorry to hear about your troubled family situation. It is very difficult when your own brother wants to marry someone who has treated your family so poorly.

Even so, cutting off ties with your brother is impermissible. You are permitted to keep a reasonable distance from him and his future wife e.g. visiting them monthly instead of weekly, for example.

Even if your parents forbid you from visiting him, please know that there is no obedience in disobeying Allah.

Looking to the Future

Please know that if your brother has children, then they are innocent from the sins of their mother, and are still your nephews and nieces. Especially while they are young, the only way you can cultivate a relationship with them is through keeping on civil terms with your future sister-in-law. You do not have to like her, but you do have to treat her with respect and kindness.

Cultivating Influence

Connection brings about influence. Cutting off ties will render your parents and you powerless. The more you distance yourself from your brother, the more he will stay connected to the woman he wants to marry, instead of you and your family. If your parents cut him off, how will they get to know their future grandchildren? Choosing short-term relief will cause long-term pain. Choosing short-term difficulty (working on accepting a difficult daughter-in-law) will bring about long-term happiness, inshaAlah.

Wisdom behind This

Narrated Ibn ‘Umar (peace and blessings be upon her): Allah’s Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Keys of the unseen knowledge are five, which nobody knows but Allah.Nnobody knows what will happen tomorrow; nobody knows what is in the womb; nobody knows what he will gain tomorrow; nobody knows at what place he will die; and nobody knows when it will rain.” (Bukhari)

Allah Most High knows what we do not know. This whole difficult situation is a means to exercise patience and good character.

Perhaps your brother just needs to learn the hard way by getting married to this woman. Perhaps Allah has destined this woman to be the mother of his children.

Perhaps marriage will soften her heart. Being a single mother of two children is no easy task. Perhaps the security of marriage will help to bring out her kindness, and perhaps she will ask forgiveness from your parents. The question is whether or not your parents can find in their hearts to forgive her. In the end, she is the wife your brother has chosen.

In case his marriage does not work out, then it is all the more important for you to stay in touch with your brother.

Goodness to Parents

Narrated Ibn Mas‘ud, may Allah be pleased with him: A man asked the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him: “What deeds are the best?” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “(1) To perform the (daily compulsory) prayers at their (early) stated fixed times, (2) to be good and dutiful to one’s own parents, (3) and to participate in Jihad in Allah’s Cause.” (Bukhari)

It is indeed your personal obligation to be respectful and kind to your parents. However, this does not include obeying them in that which displeases Allah. Explain this to them calmly, with the utmost deference.

See Excellence With Parents: Muhammad Mawlud’s Birr al-Walidayn and Explained: Your Parents’ Rights and How to Fulfil Them.

Beneath your parents’ anger are probably deep feelings of helplessness, disappointment, grief, and so on. They are both probably so heartbroken that after everything they have done to raise your brother, he has turned his back on them by wanting to marry a woman of bad character. This is a great test for them.

Good Character and Boundaries

It is a very big headache to feel stuck in between your parents and your brother and his future wife. So I encourage you to see it this way: the more they complain about each other to you, the less likely they are able to mend ties. They need to talk to each other, not about each other. This is, of course, easier said than done.

It is all the more important for you to show good character. This does not mean being a doormat, however. When you do attend your brother’s wedding and visit his family home, be kind and patient. If your future sister-in-law starts to badmouth your parents, then draw a polite and firm boundary, e.g. “Please do not speak about my parents like that.” Suggest that she raise her concerns directly with them, with a mediator.

Similarly, suggest that your parents find a wise elder/local scholar to mediate a discussion with your brother and his future wife.

Working with Reality

Four years of bad blood is a long time. Unless your brother’s future wife has an undiagnosed mental illness, I do not understand the motive behind her bad behavior towards your parents. Is she lashing out in response to feeling shamed?

She probably knows that she is not ideal wife material. It sounds like your parents would have preferred that your brother marry someone younger and a virgin, and perhaps someone of their choosing. Instead, he chose a culturally frowned upon older single mother. She didn’t “make him” fall in love with her – nobody has that kind of power. He freely gave his heart away and wants to marry her.

Growth Mindset

She is either a problem or an opportunity for growth – and she is not going away. I advise you and your parents to accept this reality, and to embrace her place in your brother’s life with open, forgiving hearts. At least she is Muslim. Reflect on that. She is openly sinful, but at least she is still Muslim. Imagine your brother wanted to marry a non-Muslim single mother.

I am not saying that what she is doing is right. I am merely stating this fact – she is not going away. So show her compassion and good character, in the hopes that she will soften, and perhaps one day ask your parents for forgiveness. I pray that your brother knows the responsibility he is carrying, by being a stepfather to two small children. Perhaps his kindness to them will help them be better in behavior than their mother.

However, for as long as he is angering your parents, then he is not in a good state with Allah. So I encourage your parents to find a way to forgive him for his foolishness, and his poor decision-making skills. He has many other virtues, from your description. It is better for your parents’ hearts, too, to let go of their understandable anger. May Allah elevate their ranks in Jannah for enduring so much. You all have a choice in how you respond to this tribulation. It has dragged on for far too long, so choose forgiveness, compassion, and mercy.

Reflection Exercise

Imagine the difference in these two scenarios:

Scenario A (what your parents are headed to): A wedding where your brother has none of his family with him, a heart full of rejection, anger and sadness, and a daughter-in-law who is even more sure that her in-laws do not want her, and stepchildren who will not know their stepfather’s family. Your sister-in-law is unlikely to want your brother’s unborn children to have a relationship with any of you. Rejection breeds more rejection.

Scenario B: A wedding with the blessing of your parents, and a joining of families. Your brother’s heart overflowing with love for all of you, your future sister-in-law softened by the acceptance of her in-laws, and her children knowing that they have a stepfather, new step-uncles and step aunties, and even step-grandparents. Your brother’s children will be happily embraced by your parents. Love brings about more love.

The choice is yours. I pray this has been helpful.

Please also see When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How? and Do I have to Obey my Parents if they Order me To Leave Sunnah Acts?

Raidah

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Parents’ Strong Refusal of Reverts

Shaykh Jamir Meah answers a question about marrying a revert who has been deemed unfit by parents.

I am a 26 year-old born Muslim female who still strives to be a better Muslimah every single day and am currently interested in a revert 33 year-old brother of two-and-a-half years in Islam. We met on a Muslim dating app since we both want to get to know our half of our religion as soon as possible, because we all know that we are on the suitable age.

I am a nurse working in Saudi Arabia and he is a smelter in another region of the Middle East. We haven’t chatted much in the application since he prefers to get to know the potential spouse in personal and of course with the presence of my wali.

We set the date and place, and I had my mother, uncle from my mother’s side, and his wife at the dining table. He came alone all the way from another region to my current place to seek permission from my parents. Unfortunately, my father was in the Philippines and was not amused about meeting a revert.

However, my mom and I persuaded him that there is nothing wrong in trying to get to know the brother. At least he is meeting me with my relatives present and not alone. Mostly, my uncle and mom did the interrogation regarding how he reverted and why, and his family background, and such and such, and he honestly answered that yes, he was from a broken family and Alhamdulillah he had made his mother a Muslim.

He wanted a Muslim-born woman to marry since he wants to build a family that has a strong religious grounding. To be honest, it was also both our first time to gather folks in meeting or getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage to get away from the world’s fitnah.

At the end of the discussion or meeting, he once again thanked Allah and my parents and me for allowing him to be seen and that he wanted to state his purpose which is that he wanted me to be his wife, if permitted by my parents. And that he won’t force anything if it is against some laws of Islam.

Uncle advised us to pray istikhara first before deciding and we did. I usually don’t have signs but my heart is light when I think how inclined he is to Islam than to the Muslim-born men I have known. We were permitted to have a limited chat in messenger but never did. We call to hear each others’ voices or video call to see each other. Both our Facebook accounts are mainly all about Islamic reminders. No pictures of awrah shown too.

I wanted to pursue the marriage with him since what I have been praying for: a righteous man, disregarding the race or status as long as his love for Allah is much stronger than this dunya. The problem is, my father got angry when I told him that i wanted to do nikah with him.

The reasons both parents told me are, he is a revert. We don’t know his purpose. His family is still a Christian. Why can’t he find his own revert wife? He is from a broken family (the reason why he was 33 and never got married was because he was afraid of not being able to be responsible enough to be a father. That’s why he was lead to Islam and knew the importance of marriage). He was just a high school graduate. And my family’s ancestors only allowed revert sisters. Never a revert brother. That maybe he reverted because he wants many wives.

The brother was hurt and all he could do is feel hurt and said “It is only Allah who knows what’s in my heart, and mind and my intention in marrying your daughter is pure and clear. If I have the evil intention or you’re afraid i might go back to my own religion, then may Allah prepare the most severe punishment for me. I fear Allah for that.”

No matter how much I tried to persuade my parents and how the brother did too, never-ending sermons are received from my parents. What will people say, it’s not in our culture. You’re still young, don’t go to haste. All these are so worldly reasons. I was already prepare to get married to the brother and even had enough mahr to give in case they approved but no. My parents say never! Never a revert!

But he is whom I wanted my children to follow. Until the brother gave up and sent a long message to my parents asking for forgiveness for being only a revert and that we will be gladly to raise his hands and surrender me to my parent since he told me he don’t want the woman he wanted to marry to face having to break family-ties with my parents.

I cried but my parents only justify their cruel intentions by saying, “You see he is not for you.” I told them, he only respects you all, since it is not allowed to be judgemental and rude in Islam. We tried getting someone to persuade them but that only made it worse. How could such parents value culture and discrimination more than the teachings of Islam?

Now I don’t want to both lose my family and the righteous man I found but why does my parents told me that they only care for me? They say they don’t want my future children to be at the man’s side but the brother has already broken his ties with his non-believing families, for they are too engrossed in haram and could only send Islamic pamphlets and make dua. He was so in tears for Allah’s mercy to grant him his mother to become a Muslimah and next we want to stay connected with his father to let him embrace as well. Insha Allah. 

I need advice. Can a Muslim-born woman marry a revert even if it is against the rejection of the walis? Can I still pursue the nikah when I reach the age of 40 with the righteous man I have chosen? Since I am also willing to be a second or a third wife as long as I see the religion and religious man that fears and loves Allah.

Can I choose the man to get married with instead of my family, since they say they will disown me and kill us both if we both get married secretly? I was planning to wait until 30 and if he still inquires I would still, insha Allah, like to pursue the nikah with him in a far country and would still try not to cut connections since I fear Allah. Please do give me advice on this.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is obviously a very sensitive and difficult one. Normally, in these situations, we would advise that you get a third party involved to see if they can intercede. Perhaps there is a local imam or respected scholar who can speak to your family?  

While your parents may be being prejudiced against converts, I’m sure they are deeply concerned about your happiness and well-being. Older generations see culture differences as much more important than younger generations, and though this can sometimes be misplaced, their concerns should still be considered.  

I would also say that it is important to remember that you have only known this man for a short space of time and communication is limited. I am sure he is a good person, but it is very difficult to ascertain the good character and piety of a person until one has spent more time with them (such as having more arranged meetings) or at least inquired about the person’s character from others who know him well on a personal level. Ideally one would do both.  

Using religious words and speech doesn’t always translate to good character and suitable spouse material in private practice. Even when a person is practicing and comes across as having firm faith, it does not necessarily mean that they are ready to marry, to live with another person with love, compassion, and patience. This applies to men and women.  

Do you feel that you know enough about him to feel he is an ideal match for you? That he will treat you with kindness and make you happy? You may well do, but do consider these matters carefully before you set your heart on only one person and waiting years to marry him.  

Given that your family said that they will disown you and even kill you both, though this is incorrect and deeply concerning, it seems that not pursuing this offer of marriage is best at the moment, at least until you can talk them round.  

Lastly, do not forget that everything is in Allah’s hands. Whatever is meant to be will be, and if this man is meant to be your husband, it will be. Make use of the Prayer of Guidance (istikhara) often and the Prayer of Need (haja).  

Please also refer to these answers for further advice: 

Convert Marriage Archives

I wish you every happiness,

Jamir

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Having to Wait for Nikah

Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat gives advice on marriage and the consent of parents.

Question:

Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa baraktuh.

I have met a practicing man I wish to marry. We have been trying to get his parents to agree for almost nine months now and, alhamduliLlah, by the grace of Allah Most High, they have finally started to come to terms with it and his mother has called my mom. Their only concern is that nothing should happen until we both graduate, which is what my parents want as well.

The issue is that he graduates in three years, and keeping ourselves free of sin is really tough. We were wondering if it was possible to sign a nikah without telling our parents, just to free ourselves from further haram as the desires we have are very great. We would not let anyone else know (aside from the ones performing the nikah) and we would let our parents take their time in getting to know one another while we finish school, while secretly married.

Please advise us on what to do. We were hoping to follow Hanafi fiqh in this regard due to the lack of wali needed in some cases.

Jazak Allah khayr.

I pray you are well.

Turn to Allah

It is a huge blessing from Allah that the parents from both sides have agreed to the marriage. You should thank Allah profusely for this blessing. Thanking Allah is a means to an increase, because He Himself swore an oath saying, “[I swear], if you show thanks I will certainly give you an increase.” (Sura Ibrahim 14:7) Thank Him for this blessing and all others and you will certainly see more of what you like coming your way.

You should also turn to Allah with dua, and ask Him to facilitate matters in the best way for you. Allah answers all prayers – but according to His schedule, not ours, and in the way He deems best, not what we plan (Ibn ʿAtaʾillah, al-Hikam).

The Sunna of Marriages

In Islam, the sunna is that once a suitable match has been found, the nikah should take place as soon as possible. All the necessary discussions should take place first, and then when both parties are happy to proceed the nikah should be conducted.

The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “O Ali, three [particular] things do not delay: the [obligatory] prayer when its [time] comes; the [funeral prayer over] the deceased when [the body comes]; and [the marriage of] a lady when you have found her a suitable match.” (Tirmidhi).

You should try yourselves, or ask someone of authority in the community to convey this point to the parents on both sides.  Perhaps they can be persuaded.

A nikah does not mean that you have to move in together. It finalizes the contract and shuts the door for the devil to play any games with anyone. The rest of the marriage plans can follow the schedule agreed upon by both sides.

Prolonged engagements go against this sunna.

No Secret Marriages

Secret marriages are not something which should even be considered. Marriage is more than the union of two individuals. Both families are bound to each other through it, which is a blessing from Allah.

Also, many parents would feel extremely hurt and betrayed if they found out that their child had secretly entered into a marriage – even if it was with someone they had already approved of. In many cultures parents see the marriage of their child as a responsibility, which makes this a serious matter. Do not go down this route.

In some cases, the agreement can be called off, and if the prospective couple have secretly married, they find themselves in a very difficult position: neither family approves of the marriage – yet they are married. Revealing the matter means risking family ties being severed, and keeping it a secret can only go on for so long.

I once came across a case where a couple performed a secret marriage whilst waiting for the wedding date the families had agreed on to come, and in the meantime the husband divorced his wife three times. Imagine explaining that one to the parents.

May Allah facilitate what is best for you. Amin.

Abdul-Rahim

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Is It Valid to Marry in Secret?

Ustadh Salman Younas answers a question about the validity and rightness of wanting to marry someone without the parents’ knowledge and consent.

Question:

Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

I love someone and I want that relationship becomes halal. Right now I want to marry her without telling anyone just to make it halal, and it is not possible right now to take permission from my parents neither from her parents.

If we marry each other will it be legitimate? And if we do not get involve in any physical relation before the marriage with the permission of our parents will it be legitimate?

Answer:

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.

According to the Shafi‘i school, in order for a marriage contract to be valid the following must be present:

    1. 1. The bride’s guardian (wali)

2. Two upright Muslim witnesses

3. The groom

4. The offer and acceptance.

Without these being present, the marriage contract would not be valid. As you can see, “secret” marriages executed without the knowledge and consent of the bride’s legal guardian are not valid in our school. (Tuhfatul Muhtaj, Nihayatul Muhtaj)

Hanafi School

Although the Hanafi school holds that the bride’s guardian is not a legal integral for the validity of the marriage, when there is no serious need to take this position, marriage without your parent’s knowledge and consent would be highly discouraged.

While your feelings towards each other are strong right now, please do not forget your respective mother and fathers, their feelings, and everything they have done for you both. Marriage is a huge step and one that takes a child away from the family home forever. Do your best not to break their hearts and cause them unnecessary anxiety, for in many cases, couples that do so later regret it and wish they had done things differently.

For more detailed answers to the Hanafi position and related concerns, please refer to these answers, particularly the second answer: What Are the Minimum Steps That Must Be Taken for a Marriage to Be Valid? and Can We Get Married Without Involving Our Parents?

Relationships

Whether one is in a physical relationship or purely an emotionally attached relationship, either way, it would not be permitted to continue. Allah has commanded us:

وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الزِّنَى إِنَّهُ

And do not come near to adultery. (Sura al Isra 17:32)

Coming near zina includes every inclination of the heart, every loving gaze, every touch, every word spoken with intent of affection, with someone one it is not permitted to do so with. These tender emotions are guarded and preserved for after marriage, which makes the marital bond that much sweeter and pure.

There is a saying in Egypt which goes something like, “The one who walks through the door is respected, the one who climbs through the window is not.” In other words, the man who does not go through the proper means of asking for a bride’s hand in marriage, i.e. the father or guardian, deserves no respect, while the one who goes through the correct channels, regardless if his acceptance is accepted or not, is still respected and his dignity and reputation remain intact.

Don’t forget, by marrying this girl, you are essentially taking someone’s daughter away from them. This is hard enough for parents when their child gets married with their consent, let alone behind their backs.

Conversely, from the bride’s point of view, she should not give her affection to anyone easily, rather she should deem herself worthy, and accept only a man who is respectful, dignified and who carries out his affairs with principles and correct conduct. This not only earns the respect of the family, but the woman herself will value and respect him more, and he respect her more.

Though it may be hard to put your relationship on hold until a solution can be found in regards getting married, put it on hold you must. You should take the lead and show strength and resolution.

In this time, I suggest that you both work on your relationship with Allah Most High, for whom your love should be more than anyone else. When you truly love Allah, step by step, you will both desire what is pleasing to Him, and naturally forgo what you want and accept whatever Allah has in store for you both.

Solutions

Marriage is a celebration of two people coming together lawfully, and it is important that it is made public for many reasons.

Try to resolve the issue by following the helpful suggestions mentioned in this answer: Can I Marry Without My Parents’ Consent?

Be patient and true, and you’ll find that Allah will open up things for you in ways you never would have expected.

Warmest salams,

Jamir

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.


How Do I Marry Someone My Parents May Not Approve Of?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

My parents are seeking a boy for me to marry. But there’s this one boy I really like. I wish to marry him. He does the same but we know it can’t happen since my family will call it a love marriage if I give them his suggestion and wouldn’t be very pleased if I came forward on my own.

What can I do?

Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. Thank you for writing in. I pray you are in this finds you in the best of states.

Though sometimes we feel very strongly that we need something in our lives that will bring us happiness and that nothing else will compare, we must nevertheless remember that everything in life, including marital spouses, are provisions that have already been allotted to us. Whatever will be will be and whatever was not meant to be will not be.

However, Allah Most High has told us to ask Him for what we want, as ultimately, all matters return to Allah. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said, ‘If you ask, then ask Allah, and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah.’ [Arba’in al Nawawi].

When we want something, there are three basic steps we must take:

1. We should supplicate to Allah for that which is best for us in this life and the next
2. Take the means to get what we want
3. Be grateful and patient whatever the outcome

Supplication to Allah

The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Du’a is a weapon of a Muslim, a pillar of religion, and the light of the skies and earth.’ [al Hakim]

Du’a is the most powerful tool we have to fulfil our needs, and we should not get tired of making du’a, even if it seems that God has not answered our supplications, for the Prophet ﷺ also said,

‘There is no Muslim who makes a supplication, in which there is neither sin nor severing ties of kinship, save that Allah will grant because of it one of three things, either He will grant him a prompt response, or accumulate it for him in the Hereafter, or avert from him an equivalent harm.’ [Musnad Ahmad]

We mentioned that du’a is a weapon of the believer, and like all weapons, the person utilising it must train themselves to use the weapon to full potential, for even the best weapon can miss the target if the person using it isn’t trained

The training of the believer then, is that they should strive to refrain from sins, perform obligations, and fulfil other’s rights due to Allah and others. This includes avoiding close friendships with others which are not permitted in Islam. In this way, the du’a will be more potent and more readily acceptable.

Taking the Means

While continuing to make du’a, if you cannot speak to your parents directly about the situation, then perhaps consider these options:

1. Get him to ask his parents to approach you parents about the marriage. They don’t need to mention that you have been friends, but can just say he saw you and enquired about you.

2. Get an understanding elder, teacher or similar person to approach your parents and suggest the possibility of marriage.

3. Get the young man himself, preferably with an elder accompanying him, to approach your father directly, and ask for your hand in marriage.

You should also pray Salat al Hajar for your needs, the details of which can be found here.

Leaving outcomes to Allah

In the end, we have to leave the results to Allah. Insha’Allah if it was meant to be it will happen. However, if in the end Allah has not willed for you to be together, then do not be broken-hearted, nor argue with your parents, for everything Allah does is with perfect wisdom, as Allah says, ‘But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.’ [2:216]

You may also find the following answer helpful:
What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?

May Allah grant you ease in all your affairs. I wish you all the best and every happiness.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

I Want to Marry Someone Despite My Family’s Opposition. Should I Move On?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I was involved in an affair during college, but have cut off contact with her and repented as my parents are against a marriage due to the social status of her family. I still want to marry her as I cannot forget her. I am praying for that. Should I move on?

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer which pleases Him.

Istikhara

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times about whether or not to pursue marriage with this young woman. Observe what Allah opens for you. If He softens your parents’ hearts and makes them accept her, then that is a sign for you to pursue marriage to her. If their hearts remain closed off to her, than that is a sign for you to move forward.

Dua

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The slave will be answered so long as his du’a does not entail sin or severing of family ties, and so long as he is not hasty.” It was said, “What does being hasty mean?” He said, “When he says, ‘I made du’a and I made du’a, yet I have not seen any response,’ so he gets frustrated and stops making du’a.” [Muslim]

Please be honest with yourself, because Allah does answer all of our duas, but it may not always be to our liking. Everything from Allah is good, but we often lack the wisdom to see that.

Contentment

It sounds that you are still in love with her. May Allah grant you contentment with His Decree. Trust that if He has blocked off this door, then He will open a better one for you. Beg Allah to heal your heartbreak, and to help you move forward and leave this chapter of your life behind. I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Need.

Trust that Allah can lift all pain and sadness, even when your heartbreak feels unbearable. Continue to do things that nourish your soul, and strive to have a good opinion of your Creator.

Marriage

When registration reopens, I strongly encourage you to enrol in Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life.

It is far, far easier to marry with your family’s blessings, than it is to marry without. Think about the long-term ramifications. It takes more than love for a marriage to work. That being said, if Allah has written that you and this young woman are to be married, then nothing in creation can change His Decree. Please refer to this: What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?

I pray that Allah accepts your repentance, turns your bad deeds into good deeds, and blesses you with the gift of marriage.

Please see:
Can I Marry Without My Parents’ Consent?
When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community – Mental Health 4 Muslims Blog
Why Doesn’t Allah Answer My Supplications?
Some Prophetic Supplications for Difficulty and Distress
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: jwltr freiburg

Should I Move on from Marrying a Girl My Family Does Not Approve on, or Do I Keep Hoping in Allah?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I was in a relationship with a girl for a few years. I taught her more about Islam and made her religious.

Recently, I told my parents about her. But they are not at all satisfied with her.

I believe that Allah will help me and reply to my prayer but I have not seen any change in my parents’ attitude. Should I move on?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you a clear answer and contentment with His Decree.

Istikhara

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up to seven times to help you decide. The answer does not need to come in the form of a dream; look at how events unfold. If your family is still resistant to the idea of you marrying her, then this is a negative. If your family’s attitude shifts into one of openness and acceptance, then this is a positive.

Allah will absolutely respond to your prayer. Just remember that His answer might not be the one you want.

Timeline

Give yourself a realistic timeline. If your istikhara is negative after seven times, then as hard as it may be, please let go and move on. Perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to heal your heartbreak and send you a righteous wife.

It might be unimaginable for you to envisage marrying anyone else, but as so many people can attest to, we are all built to survive heartbreak. Learn the lessons behind this experience – ‘accidentally’ falling in love with someone can lead to serious repercussions. Speak to your family about what kind of wife they want for you. Be open to their suggestions. Be patient with Allah’s Decree.

Reality

The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!”. [Bukhari and Muslim]

In addition to marrying a woman for her deen, remember that marriage is about two families coming together. From what you have described, it sounds like your parents feel that she is not a suitable match for you for various reasons. When you are in love, these differences do not matter. You may feel that love can conquer all.

In reality, a successful marriage takes so much more than love. The stresses of new marriage can cause it to crumble, especially without the support of your family. However, if your istikhara is positive, then Allah can grant you ease and success in your marriage, despite your family’s disapproval. Ultimately, you are the one who is getting married.

Education

When registration reopens, please complete this course, Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. Please learn what an successful Islamic marriage is before you get married. This will inshaAllah help guide you to make a wiser decision.

May Allah make things easier for you, facilitate what is best for you, and grant you the blessing of a loving and righteous spouse.

Please refer to the following links:

What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community – Mental Health 4 Muslims Blog

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Parental Approval to Travel to Seek Knowledge

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question: If one is only interested in studying Islamic Law, but one’s parents would rather the child get a degree first, how should a child deal with this situation?

 

Answer: In the name of Allah, Most Merciful.

Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

This returns to the rulings of obedience to parents, which has been mentioned a few times.

1. In terms of permissibility, if going to seek Sacred Knowledge would somehow impinge on the fulfillment of parents’ rights, such as financial support if they are unable to support themselves or care if they are unable to take care, or cause them undue fear (such as going to an unsafe, war-torn country to seek knowledge), then it would not be permitted to go.

2. If traveling to seek Sacred Knowledge would not impinge on their immediate rights, and not cause undue fear, then it would be permitted to do so.

3. However, there is far greater blessing (baraka) and wisdom in convincing one’s parents and getting their permission and approval, when this is possible, because one of the greatest doors to Allah’s pleasure is pleasing one’s parents.

Often, it is hard to weigh the various considerations involved in one’s particular situation in delicate cases like this. We should follow the Qur’anic imperative and seek the guidance of the people of knowledge.

[cf: Shaybani/Sarakhsi, Sharh al-Siyar al-Kabir, 1.192-194; Nawawi, Majmu`, 8.315; al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 5.366; Haskafi/Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar `ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar (K. al-Jihad) 4.125-126]

And Allah alone gives success.

Wassalam,

Faraz Rabbani