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A Married Man Wants to Marry Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

A married man wants to marry me. His first marriage was arranged by his parents, he has a young son, and his parents would disapprove because I am African and he is Indian. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Secrecy

Dear sister, I am very concerned for you.

Please speak to your parents, and seek their counsel. I would imagine that they would be very unhappy to hear about you being a secret second wife.

You need to accept that the man you love is bound by very strong cultural beliefs, none of which work in your favour.

Parents

Parents who resort to emotional blackmail, control tactics and so on to manipulate the lives of their children often do so out of fear. Please accept that this is the reality of his parents, and it is unlikely to change.

If you marry this man, then this will be the pain into which you marry. You will deal with the repercussions for the rest of your married life.

Character

The man you want to marry already has a wife, a son, and he wishes to marry you knowing that it would devastate his parents. What does that tell you about his level of commitment to honouring his parents, his wife, and being a good example to his child?

It is easy for him to be kind and protective to you now, while you are courting. The truth of his character lies in how he will treat you when you are married, far away, and without the support and blessing of your family and in-laws.

Love is not enough for a marriage to succeed. When registration reopens, please enrol and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

In the meantime, I encourage you to listen to podcasts such as Content of Character and The Rawha. Nourish your troubled heart with dhikr, recitation of the Qur’an, and daily istighfar and salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).

Second wife

Dear sister, although the final decision is yours, I strongly advise you against getting married to this man.

Please see:

The fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:

a) the harm to the first wife;

b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;

c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;

d) the harm to family relations;

e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…

Marrying another woman is not just a question of providing for both…

[Excerpt from Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?]

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times and watch what Allah unfolds for you. If Allah makes marriage easy for you, then that is your positive sign. If He continues to pile hardship upon hardship on your journey to marrying this man, then please, dear sister, heed this negative sign.

Wake up in the last third of the night, even if it’s 15 minutes before the entry of Fajr, and perform the Prayer of Need.

I pray that Allah grants you the courage and wisdom to choose wisely.

Please see:

Can the Man I Love Take Me as a Second Wife Despite His Mother’s Disapproval?
Is Polygamy really Allowed?
Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

Can I Marry My Wife’s Sister?

Answered by Ustadh Salman Younas

Question: I am married and I have happy family with 3 children. Alhamdulillah, I am financially very good. I have huge property, and planning to share it within my family. I am planning to get married with my wife’s younger sister who is unmarried. Is this permissible?

Answer: assalamu alaykum

It would be impermissible for you to marry your wife’s sister while you are still married to your wife. This is clearly mentioned in the Qur’an, which states when discussing those one is prohibited to marry, “and two sisters in marriage at the same time.” (4:23)

This is also clearly affirmed in the sunna. When Fayruz al-Daylami came to the Prophet (God bless him) inquiring about his being married to two sisters, the Prophet (God bless him) instructed him to divorce one of them. [al-Tirmidhi]

As such, there is agreement between the scholars that joining two sisters in marriage is prohibited.

Wassalam,
[Ustadh] Salman Younas

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadh Salman Younas graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Political Science and Religious Studies. After studying the Islamic sciences online and with local scholars in New York, Ustadh Salman moved to Amman. There he studies Islamic law, legal methodology, belief, hadith methodology, logic, Arabic, and tafsir.

What Is Considered Cheating on a Spouse, in Islam?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My husband and I were having issues in our marriage. It came to a point where my husband left. I have recently discovered that he has been speaking to another woman in regards to marriage, and found her to be unsuitable. When I found out about this, I tried to reconcile with him. He became defensive and said that he can have up to four wives. Then he stated that he is not interested in marrying her. Has he cheated on me?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Infidelity

Your husband going behind your back and speaking about marriage to another woman is already a form of emotional infidelity. I pray that Allah heals your heartbreak.

In our modern age, scholars are strongly opposed to polygamy due to the harm caused.

Counselling

It sounds like you and your husband are in need of serious marital counselling. I strongly encourage you to find a culturally-sensitive counsellor and have a mediated discussion about how to save your marriage. Even if your husband does not want to go to counselling, I urge you to go on your own to help you cope with your hardship. Please look after yourself in this time and seek out the support of your family and close friends. Perform The Prayer of Need in the last third of the night and beg Allah for His help.

Please complete this free course Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life to help you better understand the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage.

May Allah ease your tribulation, and grant you the best in this dunya and the akhirah.

Please see:

Is Polygamy really Allowed?
Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

Can the Man I Love Take Me as a Second Wife Despite His Mother’s Disapproval?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am in love with a man who is already married to his cousin. His mother is not letting him marry me, because she does not want her son to have two wives. What can we do? Does he have to obey his mother?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking an answer. Please forgive me for the delay.

Obedience

Dear sister, please tread carefully. Love is not enough to sustain a marriage, especially if you are a second wife. The fact that you are in love with a married man is a not a good sign of his faithfulness to his first wife. For your sake, please marry a man of good character and religion. A clear indicator of a man’s character and religion is his ability to remain faithful to his first wife, and not lead on another woman.

Please read and reflect on this: Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?

Your husband is free to do as he chooses. He is not obligated to obey his mother, but he is obligated to treat her with respect.

Consequences

If you go ahead and marry him, you risk earning the wrath of an unhappy mother-in-law, and an unhappy first wife. Is this the life you want for yourself, and your future children? Choose wisely.

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times to gain clarity on what to do next. If Allah makes the path to marriage easy, then that is your sign. If Allah makes it difficult, then that is your sign. The challenge is being open to what Allah makes clear to you, and that is difficult when you are already in love.

I pray that Allah blesses you with a righteous, loving and tranquil marriage, and the gift of righteous children.

Please refer to the following links:

Is Polygamy really Allowed?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Arian Zwegers

My Family Is Shia – Should I Be a Second Wife to a Sunni Brother?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I grew up in a Shia family, but I have embraced Sunni Islam. I was introduced to Sunni Islam by a male friend. I intended to marry him. But I know my family would never accept a Sunni proposal for me. Now he’s getting married to someone else.

I wanted to move on, but he asked me to wait for him as he would take me as a second wife. Should I wait?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah grant you clarity and ease.

Becoming a second wife

Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to grant you the gift of a happy and loving marriage to a righteous Sunni brother. Please perform the Prayer of Guidance too, up to seven times for clarity. The answer does not need to come in a dream. Rather, it will manifest in what unfolds most easily in your life. If Allah throws many obstacles in your way, then that is a sign that marriage to this brother is not khayr for you. If Allah makes it easy, then it is khayr.

My main concern for you, as for all second wives, is the fallout on you, should you choose to marry this brother. Does first wife knows about you? Or are you a secret? If you do go ahead and marry this brother, what will happen to your children? Both the first and second wife have equal rights to their husband’s time, wealth etc, but this very rarely plays out in the real world. With your family out of the picture, who will you turn to for support?

Fear of the unknown

It is part of human nature to fear the unknown. I can see why you feel you need to settle with this brother’s proposal – you fear that if any other Sunni brother comes along, your family will either say no or it will take a long time for them to be persuaded. Please don’t settle. Trust in the Generosity of Allah, who looks after you from moment to moment. Read Surah Al-Waqiah and ask Allah to increase your provision, especially in the form of a righteous husband.

As a general rule, I would dissuade you from being a second wife, particularly because your family is Shia, and you are Sunni. How would your family feel, knowing that you are the second wife of a Sunni man? All parents want good for their children, and they have every right to be concerned and unhappy with the thought of their daughter being in your situation. They would be a lot more likely to accept your marriage to a Sunni brother under the normal circumstance of being the first wife.

Reflection

It is natural to have a strong affinity with the person who helped to bring you into Sunni Islam. Love is one thing, but deciding what to do with it is another. It takes more than love to make a marriage work. Please complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life to give you a better understanding of marriage.

Take a break from your relationship with this brother. Go somewhere you can sit down and reflect, with a clear mind. Would you want this for your sister? Your daughter? Marriage already has so many challenges when it’s just one husband and one wife. Imagine the complications that can arise when you are a second wife.

Consultation

Please consult a local scholar and ask for his/her advice on your situation. Please ensure that you are sufficiently supported in whatever choice you decide to make.

I pray that Allah guides you to the decision which will bring about the most good in both worlds.

Please refer to the following links:

Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

A comprehensive collection of resources that offer clear and practical guidance on successful marriages. Based on the Qur’an, Prophetic teachings and scholarly wisdom, find out how we can all have marriages that fulfill the worldly and spiritual potential of what the Prophet ﷺ referred to as “half the religion.”

And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect. Qur’an [30:21]

Intention, Priority and Purpose

Overcoming Difficulties Before Marriage

Parents and Guardians

Overcoming Differences And A Troubled Past

Converts

Keeping it in the Family

Getting Married The Right Way

Staying Married

Related courses

Marriage in Islam video playlist, with Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, Habib Hussein as-Saqqaf, Ustadha Shireen Ahmed, Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes, Habib Umar bin Hafidh and many others.

Is Polygamy really Allowed?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam

Question: I am doubting Islam because I have been told that it allows secret marriages to second wives. How is this allowed? Why it is not adultery? Can a divorced women with children have a secret marriages to a man who is married with children meeting up at different places with no second home setup as she is at home with her kids and he is home with his kids and first wife?

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray that you are in the best of health and faith, insha’Allah.

The general ruling for polygamy in our times is that it is impermissible because of the inevitable harm which comes about from such relationships, particularly amongst those who are not accustomed to such practices.

Many a time, arrangements such as the one you mention are made by those who have a problem or two either in their current marriage or elsewhere in their life, and this is simply a distraction which oftentimes escalates the issue even further.

Learn the religion through qualified inheritors of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), and not by those who claim to represent him without any inward or outward proof.

People are known by the truth; the truth isn’t known by people.

See: Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?

And Allah alone gives success.

wassalam,

Tabraze Azam

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Can a Man Take His Current Wife’s Sister as a Second Wife?

Answered by Sidi Faraz A. Khan

Question: Salam alaikum, Can a muslim man, who  wants to marry the 2nd or 3rd time …marry the sister of his 1st wife?

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and faith.

It is prohibited for a man to marry his wife’s sister while he is still married to his wife, or during her waiting period (`idda) if they separate.

In Sura Nisa’ (4:22-24), Allah Most High lists all the categories of women that one cannot marry, which includes “That you have two sisters simultaneously.”

Once the waiting period of the first wife is over, he may marry her sister. He may also marry her sister if the first wife dies.

Please consult a scholar for specific cases.

And Allah alone gives success.

wassalam

Faraz A. Khan

Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question: Can a husband marry a second wife without his first wife’s permission?

Answer: Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

The fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:

a) the harm to the first wife;

b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;

c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;

d) the harm to family relations;

e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…

Marrying another woman is not just a question of providing for both…

Faraz Rabbani

Wassalam