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Re Previous Answer on Wife’s Conjugal Rights

Shaykh Jamir Meah clarifies certain aspects of a previous answer on a wife’s conjugal rights.

I am writing to inquire a further look at this portion from a previous answer: What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?

Islam already takes into account the fact that a woman may have times where she is physically or psychologically unable to fulfill her husband’s desire, and by doing so, her condition may worsen. In these cases, the husband would be prohibited from forcing the wife to have intercourse, and if he did so, he would be sinful.

I am concerned about whether the wording is intentional. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say that a man should never force his wife to have sex with him, and if she refuses he cannot force her to? I think the traditional definition of rape here still applies in that case, but I think that would also be an example of domestic abuse. This hadith is often misquoted by people to scare and demoralize Muslim women, in my experience. It would be good to see a lesson or article dedicated specifically to it.

Jazak Allah khayr, for all the good work that you do. Insha Allah that good only increases in the future.

Due to the question being predominantly about the wife’s conjugal rights and the husband’s neglect of it, the answer was mainly focused on this issue.

The “rape” section was in response to a very brief, almost passing, part of the question. (I think it was completely edited out from the final question published.) Hence my very brief response to it. I cannot remember the exact question, but it was not a direct or general question about forced sex within marriage, more about if the husband demands relations while the wife is unable to have relations, hence my specific answer on that.

I wholeheartedly agree that a specific and detailed article on this latter topic would be beneficial. For now, the relevant rulings and details, which concur with my own understanding and how I would address the issue, can be found in this excellent answer by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam: Can a Wife Refuse her Husband’s Call to Bed?

This is a sensitive topic that can be exploited by many, both men and women. For sure, we need to do more to educate and warn Muslim men about these rulings and to have proper conduct and care in marriage, but we must also be aware that there is currently a very strong feminist movement at work which has it’s own agenda, much of which is insidious.

Warmest salams,

Jamir

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Marital Inspiration in Silhouette Images

Shaykh Abdurrahmaan Khan clarifies the use of images for inspiration in marriage.

Would it be permissible to explore different sexual positions by looking at the silhouette of a man and women (only the body shape) in different positions?

Thank you for your question.

The ruling of gazing at any object with desire (shahwah) is haram or impermissible. Viewing sex positions from silhouette images could be done with one of two intentions. 1. With the objective of deriving pleasure from viewing the image and 2. Using the image as a medium towards enhancing sexual relations. Subsequently, sexual relations could be 2.1. conjugal or between spouses or 2.2. fornication or adultery.

Categories 1 and and 2.2 are undoubtedly impermissible. As for category 2.1, the current author feels that it would be permissible based on the maxim that “mediums receive the ruling of the objectives.” The objective here being the enhancement of conjugal relations.

I would further advise that these images only be viewed in the presence of one’ s wife so as to avoid falling into category 1.

And Allah knows best.

Abdurragmaan Khan

Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

My Wife Refuses Marital Intimacy With Me and I Feel Unwanted. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My wife and I have been married for a decade. Since the birth of our first child she makes me feel unwanted. I know that she has invited a man over to her home and she prevents me to come home on weekends. Every time I try to initiate intercourse with her she rejects me. Should I move on?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah grant you ease in your challenging circumstances. I am so sorry to hear that you have been blocked out of your own home on weekends, and that your role as a husband and father has been reduced to a weekday-only babysitter. May Allah heal your marriage, soften your wife’s heart, and grant you a marriage filled with respect, love and intimacy.

Childbirth

It is very common for a wife’s libido to drop significantly after childbirth. Hormonal changes, sleep deprivation and the exhaustion that comes with childrearing play a major role. However, with the passage of time, it is reasonable to want regular marital relations again. It may not be the same as it was before children, but a compromise can be reached. Difficulty in the bedroom is often symptomatic of deeper issues in your marriage. Until you solve these underlying issues, it is unlikely that you will get to have regular marital relations with your wife.

Counselling

I’m alarmed to hear that your wife has been communicating with and inviting non-mahram men to your family home on weekends. May Allah guide her, heal your marriage, and protect your children from harm. This is definitely a sign that you both need professional help.

Please invite your wife to marital counselling, and do so for the sake of repairing your marriage, first and foremost. Focusing on getting marital intimacy won’t get you very far because your relationship has fractured. Please work with a compassionate and culturally sensitive counsellor who is able to help you both express what you want, and how you can both get there together. It will take time, so please be patient with the process.

Education

Please complete the course Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life.

Please read John Gray’s book “Mars and Venus In The Bedroom”. According to the book, the challenge for every couple lies in the different make-up of men and women. Women need an emotional connection before wanting to have sex, whereas men feel emotionally connected through sex. This paradox can only be solved through mutual respect and compassion, for the sake of pleasing Allah.

Please read this useful article: Turning On Your Crockpot.

Solutions

1) Wake up in the last third of the night and beg Allah to help lift this tribulation from you. Perform the Prayer of Need.
2) Give in sadaqah, and make dua for ease.
3) Make regular istighfar every morning and evening.
4) Fast as much as you can to help manage your libido. Start with every Monday and Thursday. If you need to, perform the fast of Nabi Dawud (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) on alternate days, e.g. fast on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, with non-fasting days on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
5) Find a healthy physical outlet for your sexual frustration, e.g. exercise, gardening etc.
6) Every day, do acts of kindness for your wife to help her feel more connected to you.

When to move on

Divorce is hated by Allah, but is permissible as a last resort. Please exhaust all avenues before going down this path, and please perform the Prayer of Guidance up to seven times before deciding what to do.

If you do decide to divorce your wife, please do not say, “I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you.” Even in anger, this would count as an irrevocable divorce, and you cannot remarry her except in the unlikely scenario of your wife remarrying, consummating her marriage and then divorcing. One pronouncement of talaq suffices.

If you choose this path and marry another woman later on, please learn from the mistakes from your first marriage. Happy marriages are hard work – it takes continual communication, sacrifice and a spirit of giving more and taking less.

I pray that Allah grants you ease, and guides you to the best possible path.

Please refer to the following links:

What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.