How Can I Save My New Marriage?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I married in Oct/2020 but I have a very depressed marital life. There was a girl and we both wanted to marry each other but we could not. She married elsewhere and is also unhappy there, and then I married by my family’s choice but failed to settle.

Now I feel very sinful and depressed that I can’t give proper rights to my wife and it seems beyond my control. I pray to Allah for love between us, a year has passed, and still no love. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain, but you have to make yourself forget about the girl from your past and do your best with your wife. Keep trying, a year is nothing.

Out With the Old, In With the New

The first thing that you must do is completely cut off the girl from your past. Her presence is poisoning you and you will never attain complete peace until you no longer think of her. Delete her contact, unfollow her everywhere, and ask her not to call you. Leave her in your past where she belongs.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah during your time of need, and ask Him to open your heart to your wife. Pray the Prayer of Need, and supplicate to Allah that He help you overcome your emotions so that you can connect with her. Try all the following resources, especially take the course on the spirit of an Islamic Marriage. Start by taking baby steps. Give her a hug for no reason, do something small for her like, pulling out her chair before she sits or opening the car door for her, and the goodness will spread like wildfire, by the grace of Allah.

Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.